The Heart of Darkness

So, for the last few weeks I have been getting up at 4.00am, two or three times a week, to do 5.00 - 7.00am lessons.
The first fifteen minutes are on rural roads, with no lighting, then we get into Elgin (or 'El-jin' as my satnav pronounces it, as though it is a Spanish gin). Town or country, it really is a different world at that time of night/morning. I always have The Specials 'Ghost Town' going round my head when we get to Elgin.
In many ways, the pupil benefits from lessons at this time because the roads are almost empty so we cover more ground. The main disadvantage is that they don't get the same practice dealing with meeting, crossing and emerging.
Now, it could be the headlights in our mirrors, but it seems that vehicles follow much more closely at this time. And there is much more speeding. OK, with empty roads you expect cars/vans to be going faster than usual, but not that fast.
On the other side of my area darkness causes other problems. Deer are a common hazard on the roads but, some roads, such as the A835 between Inverness & Ullapool, can seem full of deer in places. A few years ago I was giving a lesson at night when I saw the reflection of our headlights in a pair of eyes. I covered the brakes, a good thing too, as the deer sprung out into the road. We both went for the brakes and stopped within 2 metres of the animal.
A couple of weeks ago, someone who passed with me last year wasn't so lucky. She came round a corner near Loch Glascarnoch and hit a deer. She is the complete opposite of a boy (or girl) racer, but just got caught out.
Obviously we practiced many emergency stops in our lessons, without problems, but, in a real situation, those quick reactions become vital. I don't know exactly what happened -maybe she doesn't know herself - but sometimes reactions are delayed due to a split-second denial of what is in front of you.
It affected her confidence initially, but she was forced into repeating the journey when a colleague dislocated a shoulder and she had to drive her 60 miles to hospital.
The horror, the horror! (cine-literary joke).

Lucky dip

A somewhat embarrassing incident the other morning:
I often carry a small, pale blue backpack in my car with me. It contains my laptop, lunch, a few documents and various bits and bobs.
My pupil was asking about changing her address on her driving licence. Because my own driving licence was in my backpack I reached into the back seat to get my backpack. I opened the main compartment and rummaged through, looking for my appointments diary (which contained my licence). It didn't seem to be in the main compartment, which was worrying, so I looked in the smaller front compartment. Not there either so, getting quite anxious at the thought that I had mislaid my licence and my diary, I rummaged through the main compartment again. It must have been 20 seconds before I realised that I was looking in my pupil's pale blue backpack - not mine! I hastily zipped up her bag and spluttered an apology. She didn't really say much, but she certainly didn't seem bothered.
I still shudder at the thought of her wondering why I was looking through the contents of her bag. Hopefully not a mistake I'll make twice.

Open all hours

One of the bonuses of being self-employed is that I decide what hours I work. Having said that, I try to be flexible and do my best to fit in with what my pupils/customers want. A few years ago a pupil, who had her test the next morning, called me to ask if she could fit in another lesson that night. I tried to reassure her that her driving was easily good enough to pass, but she really wanted an extra lesson. As a result, I fitted her in at 9.30pm, so I didn't get home until nearly 11.00pm.
Then, last year, another pupil, with an 8.40am test, wanted a two hour lesson before his test, so I set off to work at 6.15am that day.
A couple of weeks ago, a new pupil had her first lesson and we were trying to arrange the next few lessons. 
I remember trying to arrange a lesson with someone who asked me for a morning lesson. I offered her 11.30am (it was the only slot I had left). "No, that's too early for me. Have you got anything later?" she asked. Not really my definition of 'morning'.
So when she asked me "Do you do mornings?" I wondered exactly what time she had in mind.
"What time would you like?" I asked.
"Five O'clock?"
"A.M?"
"Yes. Can we do 5.00 - 7.00am two our three times a week?"
Slightly shocked, I agreed.
The first morning I was cursing myself for agreeing to such an early start (especially as my alarm was set for a mere five hours after flying back from Birmingham). But, now, I quite like these early lessons. Elgin is almost completely empty at this time, so we get so much done in those two hours. And it is quite nice getting two hours work under my belt, then going home for breakfast to set me up for a full day's work.
I might change my mind again next week when her colleague starts lessons with me, meaning three 5.00am starts and two 6.00am starts in one week.

The mild wild West

It was a black night. The landscape was black, the rain was black and the sky was very black. I was even dressed in black. The rain was unrelenting and bounced back angrily from the pavement while lightning cracked the sky.
I stood facing the building for a few second, had a quick glance around, then pushed open the door. A dozen pairs of eyes turned to look at me while the barman looked down at the glass he was polishing. I ordered a drink and took a seat in a corner.
The door opened again and all eyes turned to look at the four figures, all dressed in black, who stood surveying the scene. Their eyes met mine and I stood to face them.
That was as dramatic as the whole evening got. Joan, Robbie, Pam and Effie - the other four members of 'Way Out West', our quiz team from The Argyll, Ullapool - were in town. We were in South Queensferry for the Scottish final of the Great British Pub Quiz.
Although it obviously increased our chances of winning, I was actually disappointed with the fact that there week weren't dozens of rival teams. Anyway, you can only beat what's in front of you and, like a cerebral Mo Farrah, we stretched our lead as the night went on. We won an unusually tasteful trophy and some cash. But, more importantly, it meant we qualified for the Grand Final of the Great British Pub Quiz in Villa Park, Birmingham.  And so it was, that last weekend, we flew from Inverness to Bristol, then caught the train to Birmingham to stay overnight in an hotel - all for a quiz.
The final was very different to the Edinburgh final. A quite grand affair, in Aston Villa's function suite, with professional lighting, a full Audio-visual set-up, electronic buzzer rounds, a whole team of people collecting and marking answer sheets, a rather impressive buffet and free beer! The whole thing was very organised and professional, and was co-hosted by Mark 'The Beast' Labbett (from ITV's 'The Chase'). The only trouble was, there were (gulp) 25 teams.
Well, it was a fun event, but we didn't exactly excel. There were a couple of buzzer rounds, which proved to be our downfall. One was a gamble round where there were big points to be won for gambling on an answer as early as possible, but you would lose points for an incorrect answer. We just played it too safe and waited too long to be sure of not making a wrong answer, but missed out on the big points. As a result, we finished a rather lowly 18th. However, we were made a big fuss of by the hosts and the organisers, simply because of the 1000 mile round journey we had made, and consequently, when we were presented with our regional champions trophy at the end of the night, we probably received the biggest cheer of the night.
So, congratulations to The Lions (who won), and 'thank you' to the hosts and to Punch, who sponsored the quiz and made such a big fuss of our team.
We almost didn't bother going to the final, because it was such a long journey, but we agreed it was all worthwhile in the end and hope to get through to the final again in the future.
Way out West will ride again. Yee Ha!

The drugs don't work

Whilst I'm not exactly Brad Pitt, I am not usually concerned about showing my face in public. Not this morning though; I could do with a big paper bag to put over my head before I venture out in public. I am hideous.
A few days ago I felt a painful twinge as I bit into a ginger nut (nothing to do with Prince Harry in Vegas). My usual reaction to any bodily imperfection is just to ignore it. This twinge turned out to be an abscess that is currently growing to the size of an orange. Consequently, the left side of my face now looks like an unholy contortion of Timothy Spall, Marlon Brando in 'The Godfather', Monty Python's Mr. Creosote and a puffer fish. In my teens I could never have been a Goth because I couldn't suck my cheeks in enough, but at the moment I just look ridiculous.
I'm all for telling Jane to see a doctor if she is not well but, hypocritically, I won't take such advice myself.
Over the past few days my pupils have looked at me anxiously as my face continued to swell, and I have abstained from ginger biscuits. My personal philosophy is to 'grin and bear it'. Unfortunately, it has got to the point where, even if I could grin, I would probably look like some grotesque Halloween pumpkin and, last night, it got to the point where I could no longer bear it.
At the Argyll Quiz last night a member of our team looked me over.
"Looks nasty. Is it painful?"
"It's OK," (I'm such a martyr) "I've got some painkillers."
"Are they working?"
"No."
She looked around the room, "Here," she whispered, "try some of these." and she handed me a strip of pills.
"What are they?" I asked.
"They'll take away the pain." she answered vaguely.
Another member of the team went to the bar and came back with a whisky.
"Sloosh it around your mouth." she suggested.
"Can't I drink it?"
"Yes, but sloosh it first."
The whisky tasted very nice, the pills were disgusting. Neither did anything to take the pain away.
So, after grimacing my way through the first lesson, I was straight on the phone to the NHS dental hotline. I would like to have called a vet and asked them to put me down, but I was fairly sure they wouldn't oblige.
"Can you get to Lochinver?" they asked. I could, but it was nearly an hour further north, meaning I would be 2½ hours away from my afternoon lessons. There is no alternative. I will have to go.

(Later in the day) So I drove to the dentist at Lochinver. And very good they were too. I don't know what they injected me with, but it must have been pretty strong. I was aware of him applying considerable force to pull my tooth out, but I couldn't feel even the slightest twinge of pain..
..until the drive home.
The Assynt scenery between Lochinver and Ullapool is surely amongst the finest in the world. The sky was pure blue, the sun was shining brightly. I was as happy as could be, relieved that my toothache had gone. Then the numbing effect of the injections began to fade. JESUS! THE PAIN!!! I don't ever remember pain like it. The pain gradually increased until I was seriously wanting to turn around, go back to the dentist, and ask him to put the tooth back in... Anything to take away the agony. I stopped the car, I just couldn't concentrate on driving. I popped two of my painkillers and two of the pills that I had been given last night. I just wanted to curl up in the back of my car and sleep until the pain went. But I had lessons to get to. The sensible thing would have been to cancel the afternoon's lessons, but two of them were brand new pupils, so I really didn't want to.
Fortunately, as I neared Forres, the pills were finally kicking in. I explained to my new pupils that I don't normally look like this, but I didn't care what they thought I looked like, I was just relieved that I was able to concentrate on the lessons.
Never again. I'm not religious, but I'll believe in any god you like if it means I never have to go through that again. Either that or I find a quiz team with some decent drugs.

Get out of my way!

I vaguely remember, when I was training with BSM to become a driving instructor, all these different acronyms. POM (Prepare, Observe, Move) was one. MSM was the most well known, although this was often broken down into Mirror, Signal, Position, Speed, Gear, Look. And this was sometimes further complicated with the addition of LADA (Look Assess Decide Act). I quite like POM, but I don't really use any others because I, personally, don't find them helpful.
But I was reminded of LADA yesterday. It can be useful when approaching pedestrian crossings, meeting situations, and overtaking. The reason I was reminded of it was because, in the space of a few hours, I encountered three other drivers who ignored the Look - Assess part, and predetermined that they were going to overtake.
The first one was with a relatively new pupil in Ullapool. She was going carefully along a narrow road, with parked cars lining one side of the road. Quite correctly, she was going at a speed that she felt comfortable, given how close the parked cars were. The grey Fiesta behind us was getting uncomfortably close but I reassured my pupil that her speed was fine - the worst thing she could do would be to accelerate. A blind right-hand bend was approaching, but we discussed the possibility of making progress and picking up the speed IF the road after the bend was clear. As we came round the bend we could see a parked car on our side so she checked her mirrors, indicated and moved out to pass the parked car. I was horrified to see the following car had already decided to overtake, before they could have seen the road ahead and, when we indicated to overtake the parked car, I could see him throwing his arms in the air and shaking his head. Prat. I assume, from his reaction that he expected us to wait behind the parked car while he overtook, even though there was no way he could have seen it was safe to overtake. Later, after the lesson, I was hoping I would see the driver somewhere in the village so that I could suggest that the head-shaking should have been directed at his own driving.
Later, as I was driving to Inverness on a 60mph road, I came up behind a car that was going at approximately 50mph. Although the road was slightly winding, it was safe to get up towards the speed limit. As I waited, knowing that some safe overtaking opportunities were a few minutes ahead, a red Saab convertible came quickly up behind me. He immediately sat on my shoulder, with his right indicator on. There was absolutely no way he could safely overtake for at least half a mile because of the bends in the road, but he was arrogant enough to tell me he was going to overtake long before he knew whether it was possible. When a short straight appeared he overtook us both. Fifteen minutes later, as I neared Contin, I could see the red Saab, just three cars ahead, but with several cars and two lorries ahead of him. Once again, he had already decided he was going to overtake, and took a risky chance to do so..... just as a police car came round the corner. I wish I could have seen his expression.
Perhaps the sun had got to some people's heads because a very similar thing happened just a few minutes later. I thought the whole point of the Toyota Prius was to keep fuel costs and emissions to a minimum. That is all very commendable, unless you drive it like an idiot. Lots of heavy acceleration and braking (even in a Prius) means that you will use a LOT of fuel.
When you have a lot of flowing traffic ahead of you (especially in a single carriageway where the traffic is travelling at the speed limit), it is pointless overtaking. It is a bit like sitting at the back of a train and gradually making your way through the whole train to the front carriage, just so that you can get through the ticket inspection slightly ahead of other people.
I could see this Prius driver overtaking the odd car behind me, then me, then a few cars ahead of me - each time, he would accelerate hard, then have to brake hard to get back in his lane. Twenty minutes later he had got past maybe 7 or 8 vehicles. This would have cost him a lot of excess fuel but at least he will have reached his destination 30 seconds earlier than he would have done if he had patiently sat in the traffic flow.
I had a Pass Plus session with Catherine the other day and she described how, in the week since she passed her test, she had been frustrated by people driving far too slowly for the conditions. It is frustrating and you should overtake when it is necessary and safe to do so, otherwise a queue will begin to form. But when there are endless vehicles ahead, all traveling at (or close to the speed limit), ask yourself "What will I achieve if I try to overtake all these vehicles?" Answer: a quickly emptying fuel tank. Although, admittedly, your ambulance driver won't charge you for the final part of your journey.

Ironing out the wrinkles

Bugger. You would think that, in mid-July, I would be quite comfortable in a short-sleeved shirt. Having said that, you would think that I had the sense to keep a fleece or light waterproof in the car 'just in case'. 
It's not particularly cold or wet, but, compared to the tourists in their coats, fleeces and goretex jackets, I feel very under-dressed. 
No test centre in Ullapool so, once again, I go for a walk, or find a cafe, when my pupils are out on test - and I have six consecutive tests today. 
It is quite a unique situation in these remote test centres. In Inverness and Elgin I occasionally get 2, or even 3, tests on the same day. It is unlikely that test candidates will know the other pupils talking their test and they nearly always get an hour's lesson prior to their test. In Ullapool however, the only pupils I can guarantee an hour's lesson before their test are the ones that book the first test of the day, or the one immediately after lunch. For the others, as is the case today, they have to meet me at the Fire Station (where the test begins and ends) and, if we are lucky, they will get a ten/fifteen minute 'warm-up' drive before their test. Then, after their test, they are often left to make their own way home as I will invariably have another pupil waiting for their warm up drive. Sometimes test days can feel a bit like a conveyor belt.

The other thing is that most of my Ullapool pupils know each other so, not only do they get anxious about their own tests, but they can sometimes worry about their friends' too. Last month, a pupil taking the last test of the day asked "How has everyone else got on today?"

"Would it help if I told you they all passed or they all failed?" I replied.

"No, you're right. I don't want to know."

Another thing is that, as much as I am confident that they should all pass, it is natural that I will be more confident in some rather than others. And it is often down to how much they have put into it themselves. As much as I try to make them as good a driver as possible, you can often get pupils who reach a good standard in relatively few hours. The problem with that is that I have less time to see how they deal with various situations. If then, during the test (or worse, after they have passed their test), a situation arises that they don't know how to deal with, then they could be in trouble. In theory, if they apply their knowledge to any situation, they should be fine, but you just never know for certain. I have had pupils who, on their test, have had to drive along a pavement to get around a lorry that was unloading. Or have had to reverse back along a narrow road from a T-junction because a lorry had blindly swung into the junction without checking into the road first. Both pupils passed, but nothing like that ever occurred during their lessons.

So, as a pupil approaches their test, I like to try to engineer situations that are going to be difficult for them. My philosophy is that, if they can deal with really difficult junctions/situations, then 99.9% of driving (and, hopefully, the driving test) will be really easy in comparison. I am trying to iron out all possible wrinkles, or polish them to perfection.

Unfortunately, sometimes a wrinkle unexpectedly occurs. My first test pupil of the day was someone who I struggled to find any fault in her driving. The photo on the right is of West Terrace, Ullapool. The 'pavement' is the area between the wall/fence and the white line. For the purpose of a turn in the road, the examiner is quite happy for the pupil to cross the white line, but, otherwise, it should be considered as a pavement. In her test, my pupil was driving on the other side of the road (towards us, as far as this photo is concerned), with numerous parked cars on her side. Another car, approaching her from ahead, had already starting encroaching on the 'pavement', to give both cars as much room as possible. My pupil should have pulled in to the left slightly and waited behind a parked car, to enable to the oncoming car to return to the correct side of the white line. But, because the oncoming car had already made room for her, she continued. And failed as a result. The ironic thing, as far as she is concerned, is that her awareness of 'meeting traffic' situations is usually perfect, so it was the last thing I would have expected her to fail on.

Later in the day, I had a pupil who had got through her teens and early twenties without learning to drive. It was only when one of her younger sisters (who had passed with me last year) bought her a voucher for driving lessons, that she decided to take the plunge. Her lessons have been quite concentrated, over a period of a few weeks and I think it was the short time span that made her doubt her ability to drive. After all, it was only a couple of months ago that she had not driven at all. So, in the run up to her test, she was having lessons almost every day. To try to eliminate her doubts I tried to work on any problem that occurred, making the 'wrinkles' smaller and fewer, until, a week before her test, it got to the point where I struggled to find a single fault in her driving. And this is by far the best way to combat pre-test nerves. Some people try various (legal) drugs, one person even tried hypnotism, but the best way is to develop your driving to the point where you KNOW you can drive, and can drive well. 

She became one of those pupils who, last week, I thought could be my first pupil to pass with no minor faults. I have now had several pass with just one minor fault/driver error, but the perfect pass had so far eluded us. Apparently, less than one in ten thousand pass with zero faults, but I do get pupils who I think "They could be 'the one'." As it turned out, she did pick up 3 minor faults, but, in a test situation, that is fantastic. So, very well done Catherine - you and Alasdair (her boyfriend, who passed with me in Inverness last month) can now have a private contest to see who is the better driver.

The rest of the tests went equally well. Piotr had failed a couple of times with a previous instructor, which didn't help the nerves, but also passed with 3 minor errors. Bethany, Erin and Olivia were all taking their test for the first time and made me very proud by all passing with just 3 - 5 minor errors. Congratulations to all five of you.

A few days earlier, Aaron took his driving test in Inverness. He had booked a block of twenty hours and his parents helped by giving him extra practice. In the latter lessons we worked hard on any weakness in his driving. He had developed his control of the car early on, but we needed to work on awareness and planning. By the day of his test I was very confident for him and was slightly surprised when he asked if I could sit in on the test. As the test progressed I couldn't find anything I could fault him for - so far. I was unusually relaxed - sitting in on a test is not usually a relaxing experience - and, as we approached Inverness test centre, I was thinking of what a good drive it had been. I knew he had passed, and the examiner confirmed it when he praised him on such a nice drive. But it still caught me by surprise when he said "I'm pleased to tell you that you have passed - and with no driver errors." !!!! We had done it! Or, more correctly, Aaron had done it. Aaron had joined that very exclusive club of a faultless drive in a test. 

I won't stop there. I'll try to get every pupil passing with 0 driver faults. It won't happen, of course, but it is a good target to aim for.

It is not just a target for me. Passing the driving test is really just the minimum standard. Everyone should always try to think of ways of improving their driving. Aaron has already asked about taking the Pass Plus course, and Catherine has already booked her Pass Plus course for next week. If they are looking to improve their driving, despite only having 3 minor errors between them, then it should serve as a lesson for everyone else.

Good golly Miss Molly!

I have to say, my pupils are very polite; I currently have three different pupils who call me 'Sir'(!). And they are all so restrained. I struggle to think of any pupil that swears. Actually, there is one. On the face of it, she is very polite and restrained but, if anyone steps out in front of her, or doesn't give way when they should, she lets fly with language which would make Chubby Brown blush. But she is very much the exception.
Funnily enough, the boys don't swear at all. If they do something wrong (or if another road user does something wrong), they tend to quietly grumble, at worst. Mostly they just don't react, emotionally.
The girls do tend to be more vocal with their thoughts about other drivers/cyclists/pedestrians, or their own mistakes. But very rarely is it anything stronger than 'Crap!' or 'Bugger!'
I have one pupil whose language really tickles me. She is only 17 but she uses such old-fashioned language. She will say 'Crikey!', 'Blimey!' 'Gosh!' and, best of all, 'Oh my giddy aunt!'; language that even my grandparents would have found old-fashioned. But, strangely, it sounds very natural when she says these things, it doesn't sound even slightly false. Sadly (from a very selfish point of view), she passed her test last week, so I am now denied the pleasure of her language. But, very well done Jodie. I have rarely seen anyone as shocked at passing their test (and at the first attempt) as you, but I will miss your exclamations. Congratulations also, to Conner and Robbie, who passed their tests on the same day. It was an almost identical day to the previous day: 5 tests, 3 passes and 8 driver errors between them.

When thing go wrong, either a mistake my pupil has made, or another road user has made, we talk about the consequences of such an error and, if it is our fault, we discuss how to remedy it so that it doesn't happen again. I like other drivers doing stupid things because it gives us a chance to analyse these real situations, rather than just in theory. But, after 7 years of instructing, I finally lost my temper the other day...

Take a close look at the road in this photo. It is Castle Terrace in Ullapool. If you look carefully you will see that is only wide enough for one car - the parked cars are actually parked on the pavement. I was with a relatively new pupil, doing some basic junction work. Castle Terrace is only 200 -250m long and has a bend in it that, because of the  narrow width of the road, should be approached at no more than jogging speed. She negotiated the bend nicely then a black Ford Focus, with German plates, appeared close behind us. She started bring her speed up, but no point in accelerating too much with the end of the road only 100m away. The German tourist behind us couldn't wait a matter of 15 - 20 seconds and, to my horror and incredulity, I saw that he was trying to overtake us by going on to the pavement. Ok, it is a dipped curb, and there were no pedestrians, but it is probably the most utterly stupid piece of driving I have ever seen (and that is saying something!). I immediately took the wheel, because there must have been mere centimetres between us, and braked to a stop - I didn't want him cutting too sharply back in front of us. My temper finally snapped and I gave a long, long blast on the horn.
I apologised to my pupil. I explained that I should not have used the horn like that but I just wanted the other driver to know that he was a complete...... That he was in the wrong. My knowledge of German is rubbish. I can say "That is my stick of chalk", or "That is an umbrella" in German, but I don't know how to say "Excuse me, my good man, do you know what 'adequate clearance' means?"
I wonder what Jodie would have said? I don't think "Crikey!" would have sufficed.

The longest day

According to my calendar the longest day of the year is next week. I love this time of year. It is now nearly midnight and there is still plenty of light in the sky.
According to my diary however, today was definitely the longest day..... Ever... No less than 5 tests, plus 7½ hours of other lessons in Ullapool.
Ross, Lauren and Paul did themselves (and me) proud by all passing, with a respectable eight driver errors between the three of them. Sadly, my other two tests weren't as successful, but we'll put it right next time.
A slightly strange feeling having all those tests then, at 3.30pm, realising I still have five more lessons to go. When I finally finished, at nearly 9.30pm - 13½ hours after my day started - I was really looking forward to a pint. But the best moment of the day came when, as I parked my car, Paul pulled up alongside. In the ten hours since passing his test he had bought himself a car and taken his girlfriend out for a day out in Inverness. His expression was a combination of relief, delight and, most of all, achievement.... It made my day.
Tomorrow won't be quite as demanding: Only (another) five tests and five other lessons. But, if it is half as rewarding as today, I will be the happiest instructor in Scotland.

Red, white & bloom

I caught some of the (slightly excessive) coverage of the Jubilee. I'm not the most patriotic person, but I'm always in favour of seeing hundreds of thousands of people enjoying themselves. Just a shame that the weather made everything look reddish-grey, grey and greyish-blue.
As far as the weather was concerned, it was the opposite here. And this coincided with the Highlands at perhaps their most colourful. In addition to the usual blues and greens, the scenery is awash with splashes of almost every other colour imaginable.
The trouble is, I am useless at remembering plant names. I know that the yellows are Gorse, Broom and Laburnum, and I think lots of the mauve stuff is Rhododendron, or is it Azalea? And the green bits are definitely grass.
No, botany is not my bag. Jane knows it. She puts loads of time and effort into our garden and tries to educate me in these matters, but, for some reason, I find it hard to absorb all this knowledge she has. Ask me what was the b-side of Tommy Gun by The Clash? In which geological period was Portland stone formed? Which 1975 film won the 5 major Oscars? What is the formula for calculating the volume of a sphere? What is the capital of Bhutan? Who scored the winning goal in the 1971 FA Cup final? Twin Peaks centered on whose murder? And (hopefully) which is the only circular British road sign with three arrows on it? I could answer all of these for you. But ask me what a Begonia looks like and I wouldn't have a clue.
I often join one of the teams in the weekly quiz at The Argyll, Ullapool, where, fortunately, there are very few gardening questions. In the last couple of months the quiz has had an extra frisson of competitiveness because, in addition to the usual prize (a pizza), the top team over a period of 8 weeks will go forth to some quiz final in Edinburgh in August. We had a sticky couple of weeks, where The Pact, a team of schoolteachers, beat us, but, overall, we, Way out West, qualified to represent Ullapool in the capital. I shall keep you informed of our progress.
Many locals pretend to eschew the Queen and the Jubilee but, in last night's quiz, the highest scoring round for most teams was...... The Jubilee. I did have one panicky moment when the questionmaster asked 'Who has recently appointed as the manager of Liverpool FC?' Everyone on the team turned to me (Liverpool are my team), but I had a mental block and I couldn't think! Luckily, it came to me before the end of the round. At the moment, the name Brendan Rogers doesn't have the same resonance as Shankly, Paisley, Dalglish, or even Benitez, so perhaps I could be forgiven.

Sunshiny days

Non-stop rain seems to have been temporarily replaced by non-stop sunshine. The sky is the bluest of blues, the sun dazzles from above and from the trillion reflections on the water. Everyone is happy, so far, but I'm sure it won't be too long before I hear people complaining that it is 'roastin' and that we need some rain.
My mum is currently on holiday in Portugal. She sent me a text telling me what a lovely time she is having and made a point of telling me how it is hot at 8am. I resisted from replying that it is the same here, in the north of Scotland.
I recently bought a cast-iron grill thing. Over the last few days this has seen continuous use on the barbecue. Char-grilled Sea Bream, Squid with chilli, asparagus, grilled polenta... whatever it is, it all tastes fantastic cooked outside, and with TMS on the radio, the garden in full bloom and not a cloud in the sky, it couldn't possibly be more Summery.
Last week, the change in weather seemed to have disrupted everyone's immune system because I have never known so many of my customers to have colds. I caught one too. My daughter sent me a text recommending various pills I should take. I replied, saying that I had bought 17 satsumas for vitamin C and 4 cans of Guinness for iron. The good thing about Guinness, I added, was that I could put it in a paper cup and my customers would assume it was cappuccino. She was quicker than usual to realise that I was joking.

Seven tests this week. Five passed; so congratulations to Ashleigh, Tom, Jean, Beth and Lewis. The other two surprised me, as I had no doubt about their ability to drive. A bit too much rush rush cost them this time, but I'm sure they'll be fine next time.

It's been very busy of late. The other regular instructor in one of the areas I cover has moved away, so I have inherited lots of new pupils. If I get a pupil who has had lessons with another instructor I never try to 'undo' what they have previously learned, I just try to build on it. However, sometimes I do find certain aspects baffling: One of these new pupils was having a lesson the other day and I asked him to pull over. He checked his mirrors, indicated, then, as he moved towards the curb, messed up his position because he was too busy cancelling his indicator.
"Why did you want to cancel your signal?" I asked.
"Because my (previous) instructor told me not to indicate if there was no-one around."
To be fair to the other instructor, it could have been a misinterpretation of what he had said, but there was clearly a lack of understanding about the use of signals.

There was one sour note to the week: I had a pupil with a test booked last Tuesday. She had been very hard-working and dedicated in her lessons. A couple of weeks ago she cancelled, saying that she couldn't get back from the hospital in time. The next week I had no replies to the two texts I sent. Then, last Friday night, she sent me a text apologising for not replying and explaining that, only a couple of weeks ago, her sister had been diagnosed with cancer. Sadly, her sister died last week. No wonder that driving lessons had been the last thing on her mind. Understandably, she wanted to cancel her test.
It was too late to move the test to a different date without having to pay the fee again. However, I had another pupil, Jean, who had a test booked in June, but who really wanted a test as soon as possible. So I thought I might be able to swap the two tests. That way, the DSA wouldn't have a vacant test slot and it would suit the needs of both my pupils. I called the DSA. They could cancel the Tuesday test and move Jean to that slot, but my other pupil would have to pay her fee again because it was too short notice.
I emailed the DSA. I understand the reasoning behind no refunds for late notice cancellations, but I was hoping for some discretion. After all, I have known pupils who have been not been able to get to the test centre due to snow at their house (although the test centre was clear of snow and still conducting tests), or a bridge being closed (preventing her from getting into Inverness). Those pupils had their tests re-arranged without being charged. But if an immediate family member dies, well, as far as the DSA is concerned, that is just tough.

Texting and driving

Don't do it. It's bad.

I have found a useful little app to handle incoming texts. Called, simply, 'Driving text answering machine'. It uses the GPS on a phone to detect your speed. You can then select a speed - say 10mph - then, if anyone texts you when you are traveling above that speed, e.g. when driving, it will send an automatic text reply explaining that you are driving and cannot immediately reply. You can tailor the reply message to say whatever you want. Very simple, but it takes away the temptation to read the text while driving.
I use a slidey wipey keyboard thing (SlideIT) on my phone. Once you get used to it, it is very fast. But you have to be careful because it doesn't always predict what I am trying to say with 100% accuracy (as you may have noticed in previous posts). I was emailing a pupil about his test. I typed "Contact the DSA to book your test for a date in July." Or at least that is what I thought I had typed.... What was on my screen was "Contact the DSA to book your test for a dare in July."
Not really a message to inspire confidence.

It could be worse though... On my old Nokia, whenever I typed 'Inverness' it would try to correct it to 'Governess'. So I had to be really careful if ever I thought about sending the following text to my wife... "Will be late home. Currently in a very wet Inverness."

Silly season (part 2)

In my temporary absence from here, I have had more pupils passing their test. A bit irrelevant to go into all the details now, but congratulations to Emma, Nicola, Kelly, Jasmine, Jim and Sarah on passing their driving tests during the last few weeks.

In my last post I referred to the 'silly season'. But lack of braincells doesn't just apply to people enjoying themselves on holiday. The other day I was teaching a pupil who needed a bit of improvement on their clutch control. Usually, I start off with full, step-by-step instruction on how to do something. Then, as they improve, we move on to prompted instruction - "At the end of the road, turn right..... What's the first thing you need to do? What speed and gear will you want?, etc." If that goes well, we can progress to independent driving, where I shut up and just watch to make sure they are doing everything they need to be doing.

I have a few pupils whose English isn't perfect. That's ok, because my Dutch, Polish, Slovakian and Bangladeshi isn't great either. So, sometimes in these cases, I skip the prompted instruction. I give them lots of fully-guided instruction then, when I think they are beginning to do things before I ask them, I back off and leave them to it (hopefully).

Anyway, my pupil was struggling with clutch control, so I had planned a route which included some hills leading up to give-way junctions. He found it difficult. There is one particular give-way which is at the top of a steep slope and is a blind junction - you cannot see what is coming until you have already started creeping out into the new road - your clutch control has to be very precise. Quite scary for any driver, let alone a learner. Gradually, with lots of repeated attempts, with full instruction, he was beginning to 'get it'. We were nearing the end of the lesson and I wanted a couple of attempts with no instruction. I wanted him to do it by himself.

As we approached the junction, we overtook a parked driving school car (with just the instructor in the car). I was watching my pupil check his mirrors, indicate, brake progressively........ so far so good..... when I noticed in my mirror the other instructor move off and accelerate towards the back of our car (and the junction). 

I have to say, most other drivers had been very good throughout the lesson and, appreciating the difficulty of the junction, had kept back from us when we were negotiating the manoeuvre. You expect the odd car to approach too quickly, or too closely, but not a driving instructor. I had my feet poised over the dual controls. If my pupil brought the clutch up too much, or too quickly, we risked shooting forward into a road we could see (or stalling). If he didn't bring the clutch up enough, or too slowly, the car would come to a stop and possibly roll back into the car behind us. 

So it was a combination of pride, relief and annoyance that I experienced when my pupil judged the speed and clutch control perfectly and safely emerged from the junction.

I know that the other instructor reads this blog, so I have a question for you: What were you thinking?

Silly season

I know. I'm sorry. I've been busy. What can I say?
Almost a month since my last post. Must try harder.
Often, I'll be driving along, and I'll think of something that I want to write about. Then I'll get busy with lessons or something and I'll forget what it was that was. Other times, I will start typing, save it, then, when I return to finish the post, I'll think 'No, I don't think I'll bother with that.'
So, my May resolution is to get here a bit more regularly. "Little and often" as one of my (pub) customers used to be fond of saying.

As we approach the end of April, I hope I am safe in saying that we were lucky with the weather this winter. We had some snow, but nothing like the previous two years. In fact, there has been fresh snow this week, but, a month ago, we had temperatures up to 23 - 24C. There has been many a day when, in one lesson, we'll have the car windows down and shades on, but in the next, the heater will be on with the windscreen wipers pinging backwards and forwards.
But, whatever the weather, silly season is approaching... sorry, I meant 'tourist season'.

We have these things by the side of the road called 'pavements' (or 'sidewalks' if you prefer). They are usually quite flat and ideal for walking on (unless you live in Xi'an in Northern China  - see video). Then we have these other things, called 'roads', which lie inbetween the pavements, and are useful for driving or cycling on. Sometimes people get confused. Sometimes people cycle on the pavements, sometimes I have the occasional pupil who seems to want to drive on the pavement, and often, pedestrians walk on the roads.

The 2012 tourist season has only just started, but I have already lost count of the number of times we have had to slow down, or stop, because pedestrians are walking in the road (despite there being a perfectly good pavement just a few inches away). Not only that, but it seems that many people are now using cameras without a zoom. Let's take the Fowler Memorial Clock in Ullapool as an example. It is situated on the (nice, safe) pavement, at the Argyle Street/Quay Street crossroads. It is a very nice clock. So nice, that people like take photographs of it. But rather than stand anywhere on the pavement (or even on the other side of the road and use the zoom on their camera), people do seem to like standing in THE MIDDLE OF THE CROSSROADS to take the picture.
Last summer, during a lesson, my pupil was driving along Shore Street, towards the ferry. Ahead, we could see a group of 5-6 people, standing in the middle of a crossroads having a chat. We checked our rear mirror and gradually slowed, waiting for them to step a couple of metres to the side. Nothing. We had now slowed to 2 or 3mph, but trying to keep moving to make our intentions clear. Eventually we had to stop. They had looked at us and resumed their conversation. "What planet are you from?!"  I wanted to yell at them. But we politely smiled and waved as we slowly passed them, once they had finally stepped aside. Ok, Ullapool does not have the same traffic density as say London, Bangkok or even Little Piddleton-in-the-sticks, but motorists (and cyclists) do like to use the roads to get from A to B, and they prefer not to be delayed by photographers or chinwaggers.
Last week, one of my pupils (who hasn't got the best grasp of the English language) was having a lesson. We were approaching a group of three men who, for some reason know only to them, were walking in the middle of the road, when there was an empty pavement next to them. Again, I instructed my pupil to slow down, hold back, and give them time to realise that we were there and step out of the road. They didn't seem to be in any rush to move, so I was just about to suggest that he looked for a safe opportunity to drive around them when BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!! He had given them a long blast on the horn before I could stop him! I have just had my logo put on my car (see photos), so there was absolutely no mistaking who we were. The three men gave us very dirty looks as we drove past and I gave them a very embarrassed wave of apology. I asked my pupil to pull over and tried to explain that, yes, the horn can be used to warn others of our presence, but sometimes we just need to be a little more patient.

Mum's the word.

After the temporary (I hope) blip with those two tests on the previous Tuesday, normal service was resumed the following day (and not even a hint of sandstorms).

Kerry was taking her test - her first attempt - and Inverness was enjoying beautiful blue sky and very pleasant temperatures. Although you can never be absolutely certain, I am always confident that my pupils should pass, I wouldn't be letting them take their test otherwise. With Kerry I just knew. The hour lesson before was so comfortable, perfect weather, windows open and a relaxing drive - I even had the radio on quietly, something I do very rarely in lessons.
Kerry obviously kept the standard up during her test, passing with just a couple of driver errors. Very proud of you Kerry.
Kerry had held firm against pressure from her friends who had been badgering her to reveal the date of her test. I would always recommend this course of action, it takes some of the pressure off. However, as soon as she passed, she couldn't wait to tell her friends and family by phone and Facebook.

Tuesday brought another test. When one of my pupil passes I usually add to their congratulation messages on Facebook and I often mention it on this blog. They passed easily but, afterwards, they asked me if I could not mention it on Facebook.
"Of course." I replied, and I assume they don't want me to mention their name here either. I didn't ask why, but I would never ignore such a request.
I was curious though. Had they been offered a job as Getaway driver for a gang of Bank robbers? Or maybe they were worried that all their friends were going to pester them for lifts? Possibly they just wanted to keep it secret for a few days before surprising someone. Over the years I have had several customers who have taken their lessons in secret, so that they could surprise their husband/girlfriend/parents etc when they passed.
A couple of years ago another driving instructor, Daniel, who also has a blog, asked how my customers/ pupils felt about being named. I have to confess, I had mentioned pupils by name many times, even when it was not always congratulatory, and had perhaps not given it as much thought as I should have. After Daniel's query I reconsidered mentioning people unless it is complimentary or I know they are happy about it (or even request it).

No such thing as Facebook, or even texting, when I passed my driving test. And, although I don't remember going around telling loads of people, I was keen to tell my family and friends.
The very next day I had more tests, this time in Ullapool. Congratulations to Oonagh White and Sandy Urquhart - two excellent passes, with just five driver errors between them. Within the hour they had posted on Facebook, saying how pleased and excited they were to have passed
I have never forgotten my reaction to passing my test, and I see that same reaction (sometimes even more excited) on almost every pupil when they pass their test. If I was 17 and having to go through it all again I am sure I would be straight onto Facebook after passing (or maybe after a cheeky solo drive first), but I'll always respect anyone's request for privacy.

Opinions expressed here are not necessarily to everyone's liking.

Why do I write this blog? I'm not really sure. I enjoy it (usually), it gets me thinking about various things, it is an informal way of passing on information and advice (particularly on driving matters), and it is a harmless way for me to let off a little steam occasionally. But it is a personal thing. It is not the definitive word on driving or anything else. It is just my personal slant on odd things that grab my attention. It is not to be taken too seriously.
Consequently, I found it laughable  when a couple of other driving instructors threw their toys out the pram, a couple of years ago, because I bemoaned the over-reliance on reference points. I then found it ridiculous when one of them took it so personally that they paid solicitors to threaten me with legal action unless I removed that particular post, even though it was a general rant rather than a specific (or personal) one.
A similar thing happened this week. Whilst at a test centre, waiting for my pupil, another instructor knocked on my car window.
"Why did you slag off my car in your blog?" he asked (he has a Peugeot 207).
I was quite taken aback by this and denied any such action. A few weeks ago, in a post on this blog about swapping my Clio for the Fiesta, I had briefly discussed various cars I have given instruction in. I only had the Peugeot for a few weeks while my Clio was being repaired after being hit by a bus. I actually liked it, and said so at the time. But, as I wrote in the blog post, and as I repeated to this instructor, my pupils and I were happy to get the Clio back. This is not necessarily a reflection on the Peugeot, we were obviously accustomed to the Clio. In fact one pupil, who had been happy with me for months, had her test approaching and preferred the Clio so much that she swapped to another instructor, who had a Clio. This was her PERSONAL choice. No doubt there are plenty of people who prefer 207s to Clios, and plenty of people who prefer the 207 to the Ford Fiesta. They are perfectly entitled to their own opinion and I wouldn't even think of disagreeing with them.
He asked me to remove the remarks about the 207. My initial thoughts were something along the lines of WTF? But I aim to please and, as he has no doubt ascertained, the 'offending' comments have been removed.
Perhaps that's not enough? Perhaps I should redress the balance with more positive comments about the 207 (not that they were negative in the first place):
It is quite a nice looking car. I like the way the wheels are symmetrically positioned on either side. The fuel cap is conveniently positioned on the side of the car to allow easy filling. The steering wheel is an attractive round shape. The seats support from both below and behind. There is a convenient little slot to the right of the steering wheel to hang your car keys. And it comes in some lovely colours.
Strangely, I am far more positive about Peugeots than I am about Manchester Utd, the Conservative party or the pondscum who tailgate my pupils, but I have never had anyone asking me to remove my comments about those.
I guess he felt that prospective customers might read my blog and be so influenced that they would be swayed away from him. (Scratches head), Silly me, I thought potential pupils would be more interested in the quality of instruction, rather than the car, but what do I know?

Simple pleasures and sandstorms

Ulysse Speedo app

SpeedView app

It's the little things that please me. I finally have a car with DAB radio. This morning, after Beth's lesson, I started fiddling with it to ensure that I could get BBC 6 Music and I was rewarded with the station playing 'Run run run' by The Velvet Underground. As I said, it's little things like that which make me happy.
Slowly, but surely, I am tinkering with my car to get it set up exactly how I want it. No, I'm not talking about suspension or anything technical like that, I'm talking about linking my phone to the entertainment system via bluetooth and having it secured in a convenient position. Now I can switch from BBC 6 Music to my MP3 library to answering phone calls by voice command to listening to audiobooks stored on my phone. Another little thing that pleases me is how Google Maps displays a photo of the building as I near my destination - very useful when going to my first lesson with a new pupil. All clever stuff.
One thing about the Fiesta is that it is impossible to see the left side of the speedo from the passenger side. It reminds me of when my dad had a Cortina MkIII, which had dashboard dials so deeply recessed that they must have been almost in the engine. I can usually sense how fast my pupil is driving, but it is nice to know exactly. After all, too slow is almost as much a problem as too fast. You can spend money on independent HUD (Head up display) units, which project the car's speed on the windscreen, and most SatNavs will tell you the speed, but in small digits. So I speculatively searched for 'speedo' (nothing to do with swimming trunks) in the Android app store and found a couple of really good GPS speedo apps.
The first one I tried was Ulysse speedometer. This looks great and has lots of options.
The second one I tried was Speedview. It looks quite boring in comparison, but is easy to read and, although I can't quite put my finger on the reason why, I prefer it to Ulysse. The displays on both are clear and easy to read, but both have HUD options.
Sadly, it's not all fun and games. Last year was a bumper year as far as driving test results were concerned: I had a 75% pass rate in Ullapool and a 77% pass rate in Inverness; not quite as good in Elgin, but very happy on the whole (I almost forgot, 100% in Alness - but that was just one test). I would have been on big bonuses if I had still been with BSM (do BSM still have pass rate bonuses?). Anyway, this year's pass rate took a knock yesterday. Two tests, two fails...
The first one was just careless: He was on a 60mph road with a T-junction ahead and the examiner faulted him for his approach speed. "But the examiner didn't say which way we were going," he protested to me afterwards.
"All the more reason for bringing your speed down in plenty of time?" I suggested.
The second test was bizarre. While parts of England suffer drought conditions and hosepipe bans, it is an understatement to say that we have not had the same conditions up here. In fact, while we have been thankfully spared the snow that recent winters have brought, it has been rather wet. So much so, that Loch Glascarnoch has been so full that the dam at Aultguish has sometimes overflowed. However, yesterday, my pupil and I would have killed for a few more spots of rain....
A combination of dry weather and strong winds meant that the topsoil was becoming quite dusty. During her test, on the same 60mph road that my earlier pupil had failed on, the wind whipped the sand and dust into clouds that swirled across the fields and roads. Unfortunately she just got a but ahead of herself and, instead of braking first, she wasted valuable time considering whether or not to put the fog lights on and the examiner judged that she had been going too fast for the conditions.
Later, when I got home, Jane asked about my day and I told her about my pupil's tests.
"Did you not teach her about driving in sandstorms?" she asked.
Silly me, it must have slipped my mind.

This year's love

So I turned my back on my Clio and walked away, not looking back.

And I walked straight to my new car; a brand-new, very shiny white 12 reg Ford Fiesta.
I could not be accused of two-timing, I had finished with my Clio before I started with the Fiesta, but I must confess that I did have my eyes on the Fiesta as soon as I realised that things were coming to an end with the Clio.

The weather was a wee bit too wild and chilly to spend too much time admiring her from outside, so I got straight into the cockpit. The first thing I noticed was that I felt much more that I was sitting 'in' the seat, rather than 'on' them. In fact, there is a general feeling of the car being wrapped around you, which, if I'm being harsh, makes the Clio feel slightly 'agricultural' in comparison.
As I drove out of the car-park, the first thing I noticed was the steering; the Clio's steering was slightly 'slow', but the Fiesta's is razor-sharp, not quite as sharp as the Fiat's, but a turning circle more than a metre smaller than the Clio - that should be good for manoeuvres.
The gears are very nice. I used to think the Clio's gear selection was good, but the Fiesta's feel even more slick. And there is no effort to select 5th - the spring on the Clio was slightly too firm, resulting in anxiety for some learner drivers the first few times they tried to select 5th gear. Even better, thankfully, is that there are no problems at all in selecting reverse. So no more panics in the middle of a turn in the road because they can't get it into reverse.
The integrated entertainment and communications system all looks a bit complex, and I haven't got round to exploring that properly yet, but I have worked out how to make and receive calls on my mobile using voice command, which should save me having to pull over every time someone calls me.

A good few years ago, someone was considerate enough to crash into my parked car (a story I shall have to tell you sometime) and I put the insurance payout towards treating myself to a Mazda RX7 (which reminds me of other stories that perhaps I won't tell you). Anyway, this car was FAST. The following weekend, I drove up to see my friend, Molly, at Culzean, and I took some obscure B roads to enjoy the journey. My favourite was the B6277 from Barnard Castle, through Middleton-in-Teesdale, to Alston. Weaving my new car around that twisting road it felt like something from a car television advert. Loved it. Well, I had that same feeling again with my new Fiesta as I took the B9007 from Carrbridge, over the Dava moor, to Forres; a glorious, winding road, with no other vehicles. The car was a real pleasure to drive, feeling completely assured on every bend.

I still notice and admire Renault Clios coming towards me, but do I regret changing to the Fiesta? Not a chance.

Old Faithful

I see that many people have found this blog after searching for information about the Renault Clio. I have now had my Clio for 20 months, so what do I think of it?
I have to be honest, it wasn’t my first choice. Having had several Vauxhall Corsas when I was with BSM I knew that I didn’t want another Corsa. My last BSM car was a Fiat 500, which I personally loved, but it wasn’t too popular with my customers.
Leaving BSM meant that I could choose whatever car I wanted. I read loads of reviews, had some test drives, and plumped for the new Ford Fiesta. But a misunderstanding over the end of my BSM contract meant that I had to cancel the Fiesta I had ordered. Then I ……… oh, it’s a long, boring story, but I ended up choosing my Renault Clio.
Fantastic. I loved it, but more importantly, my customers loved it. It wasn’t as much fun to drive as the Fiat 500, but it is a very easy car to learn to drive in. The clutch is very forgiving, the engine is very flexible, it has good all-round visibility, the brakes are excellent (almost too good) and it has a pleasing, uncluttered driving environment.
But what don’t I like about it? Tough question, my answer is “not a lot”. The seats aren’t the best - you feel a little like you’re sitting on them, rather than ‘in’ them. I don’t feel comfortable with having a ‘tyre inflator’ instead of a spare wheel. The steering isn’t quite as sharp as I would like it to be. Renault extended the wheelbase on the current model and (especially after the Fiat 500, which was as responsive as a Go-Kart) the steering felt a little unresponsive. The only other thing I can fault is reverse gear; there is no button, trigger, push , pull, or other mechanism to prevent accidental selection - it simply won’t let you go from a forward gear straight into reverse. This is fine most of the time, but every now and then it gets stuck and you have to go through the faff of putting it back in neutral, clutch up, clutch down, then it will go into reverse. These extra couple of seconds can add extra pressure in the middle of a parallel park or turn in the road.
But these are very small niggles. The Clio is an excellent tuition car. When a bus rear-ended me last year, the insurance company provided me with a Peugeot 207. Although I liked how it looked, my pupils... (passage removed because it caused offence) ...and we were all pleased when, a few weeks later, we got the Clio back.
But, as Echo & The Bunnymen once sang, nothing lasts forever. My relationship with my Clio seemed to lack the spark it once had.
After 20 months, 76,000 miles and over 100 pupils, we had been through a lot together.  But where I once used to lovingly polish her body, these days I am more likely to call her names when my pupil struggles to get it in reverse gear. Perhaps it was time to move on. She was to be binned, dumped, given the elbow, ditched, tossed aside, drop-kicked and given the big heave-ho.
And so, last Tuesday, I took her for one last spin. I drove down to Glasgow. She was as lively as ever; steady and assured on the winding roads, but responsive when I wanted her to overtake. Each time I saw another Clio heading towards me I would look at the styling, look at the smile on the driver's face and wonder whether I was doing the right thing. Perhaps the Clio and I were made for each other.
We reached Glasgow, where I was to say goodbye to her. It felt less like a relationship break-up, but more like taking a favourite dog to the vets and leaving her there.

If you have come to this site after searching for information on the Renault Clio, then I can only praise it. It's not perfect, and I believe they are bringing out a new model later in the year, but every time I see someone driving one, I think "What an intelligent person."

It's a thin line between love and hate.

It didn't all go to plan last week.
I have one pupil who, clearly, can handle a car. He is so tall that, when sat in the driver seat, his knees are as high as his hands. Whether it is a result of being influenced by how others drive, or whether it is just overconfidence, I'm not sure, but we have spent a lot of time just slowing things down, especially on the approach to junctions. He has put a lot of effort in and I was very confident that he would pass his test with ease.
Wednesday morning, especially with his test being around the time of children going to school, I reminded him that the driving test is not a race, he needed to demonstrate complete control, awareness and safety. Perhaps I put too much emphasis on this because he failed for not getting up to speed when appropriate - he was doing 45mph in a 60mph road. Ironic, as it was on the road where he lives. But, with several hours of rain before his test, we had discussed the fact that 60mph would not be an appropriate speed in such conditions. So I feel especially responsible, although maybe 45mph was a bit slow.
Like many aspects of driving, it is quite a skill achieving the correct balance. There is a fine line between being cautious and being hesitant. And there is a similarly fine line between being confident and being cocky.
When I have very new, nervous pupils, I try to build up their confidence on quiet roads where it is not so important that we get up to an appropriate speed. But, although my pupils are my priority, I always try to consider the vehicles coming up behind us. So, when we start venturing out onto busier roads, we usually work on 'making progress' (looking for safe opportunities to get quickly up to an appropriate speed).
I had a lesson with Beth this afternoon that could not have gone more to plan. She has had about 5 or 6 lessons, and all is going well, but I just felt that we could get going a wee bit more when it is safe to do so. So we talked about the concept of 'making progress' and the consequences of not getting up to speed when it was safe to do so. She worked hard on this and, as we neared the end of the lesson, she was accelerating more confidently, getting up through the gears, and quickly reaching 'appropriate speeds'. As we were heading home we came up behind a Mercedes doing about 15 - 20mph on a clear 30mph road. The slightly winding nature of the road meant that overtaking was not an option. But it was interesting watching how Beth's uncertainty over the car ahead began changing to irritation at the fact that she was forced to go at a speed slower than she would have liked (a speed she probably would have been happy with at the start of the lesson). A queue of 5 or 6 cars had built up behind us and I reassured Beth that this was not her fault, but she could now understand why 'making progress' was important. We pulled over as the road opened up and watched as the queuing cars all accelerated above the speed limit to overtake the Mercedes.
 A week or so ago, I wrote about the futility of overtaking streams of traffic travelling at appropriate speeds. But today was a good lesson in understanding why going too slow is equally inconsiderate and potentially dangerous. 

You can dance.

I met Madonna last night, it was for a television show. The last couple of years the BBC have had a show called 'So you think you can dance.' They have scrapped it this year, but are doing something called 'So you think you CAN'T dance' instead. The idea is to take someone who can't dance and train them to be good enough to be one of Madonna's dancers for the UK dates of her world tour.
Now, one of my family or 'friends' put my name forward. I was slightly hurt by this. It's been a few years since I used to throw caution to the wind and let loose on the dancefloor. But I do bust a few moves to James Brown, et al ,when I am cooking, and I did take one of the leading roles during the 'I got a feeling' pod dance for my brother's wedding.... Perhaps that's it... Perhaps someone from the wedding sent a video of that dance into the BBC? Anyway, I was selected to be one of the eight people to make it to the television show. Very nervous, but very exciting.
So last night we went to the studio for the first time and I met the other seven. Most of them seem very easy to get on with, and I'm surprised that not all are younger than me. Then Madonna came in. We weren't expecting that. She was very personable, charming and beguiling. She is also surprisingly informal, yet still very professional.
We were going to take it in turns to dance in front of her - VERY scary. We had to wait in a waiting room with a table overflowing with buffet food - which I thought very odd. Anyway, by the time it was my turn, Madonna had gone home and Louis Spence had taken her place. I immediately walked out. And then I woke up.
Very weird. What was particularly weird about the dream was how unbelievably clear and detailed it was. I remember production staff trying different footwear on me; I remember different foods on the buffet table; and I remember the look on Louis Spence's face when I walked through the door.
Sorry. There are few things more boring than other people's dreams, but I still can't get over how real it was. Worrying.
Fortunately the rest of my week was far less camp. In fact, it was a very full-on week, as far as lessons and tests were concerned. Congratulations to Mhairi, Fergus and James, who all passed their at the first attempt this week. Mhairi was supposed to have taken her test last December and was understandably disappointed when it was cancelled due to snow. She rebooked for January but had to cancel that one due to school exams. But, to her credit, she didn't give up on her lessons and it paid off when she passed with just one minor error. An excellent drive.
 Congratulations also to Marcus, who passed his test this week. He was so close to passing when he took his first test, but signalled too late on a 60mph road = 1 serious fault.  A much better feeling for him after this week's test.
The week finished of with some very exciting news..... But I can't tell you about it just yet.... Maybe next week.
Sweet dreams.

Rat race.

Once again, a bit of snow seems to be bringing havoc to the roads.
It's funny how a few inches of snow in England becomes HEADLINE NEWS when far worse conditions north of the border rarely get more than the briefest of mentions. The reporter on Breakfast just now said "Here, in Worcestershire, we had half a centimetre of snow overnight." that's not news! That barely even qualifies as 'weather'.
Driving is all about reading the road ahead and making adjustments for the conditions. 'Conditions' include traffic and road conditions, not just weather.
One of life's little pleasures is watching other drivers NOT reading the road ahead. Admittedly this is morally dubious, like watching Alex Ferguson's blood pressure rise when things aren't going his way.
The A96, the road linking Inverness and Aberdeen, is great for Bad Driver watching. In general, it is a fairly free-flowing 60mph road (apart from the occasional tractor driver who is less considerate than most tractor drivers). In a perfect world, with good weather conditions, everyone would be driving at 57 - 60mph on the straights, easing of the accelerator in good time for the bends and roundabouts, and keeping a minimum of a 2 second gap between them and the vehicle ahead....... "in a perfect world". But, as we are reminded every day, this isn't a perfect world. There are plenty of drivers that drive at speeds significantly less than appropriate. But, who knows, maybe they are transporting something fragile? Maybe they....... (I'm struggling to think of other valid reasons for driving far too slow for the conditions). And, of course, there are plenty of drivers who think that speed limits do not apply to them, as A & E units (and undertakers) around the country will testify.
Almost every day I travel along the A96. What fascinates me is wondering what on earth its going on in the heads of some of the drivers? Early morning and late afternoon, there will usually be a continuous stream of vehicles in each direction, at consistent speeds of 50 - 60 mph. Let's take the 16 mile journey from Nairn to Inverness as an example:
In a perfect world, with everyone travelling at 60mph (and ignoring the slowing down for the three roundabouts), it would take 16 minutes to complete the journey. If, heaven forbid, you had to 'endure' sitting in traffic at 55mph, you would reach your destination a mere 87 seconds later. Even if the flow of traffic was down to 50mph, your journey would still only take a fraction over 3 minutes longer. I am sure that no-one would ever mind setting their alarm clock 4 minutes earlier (so they could allow a few minutes extra for their journey), yet so many people seem to hate sitting in steadily flowing traffic, a touch under the speed limit. Consequently, I watch with fascination/ horror/ amusement as drivers take sometimes considerable risks (and use a lot more fuel) to overtake a car or two, wait a couple of miles for another overtaking opportunity, overtake another car, wait for another opportunity etc. It so often happens that the Audi (and other cars), sitting right up behind me as I head out of Nairn, is maybe 5 or 6 vehicles (= 20 seconds) ahead of me as we reach Inverness.
Even if, like some Audi drivers, you don't believe the speed limit applies to you and you raced to Inverness at 70mph, you would only arrive just over 2 minutes before someone sticking to the speed limit. Meanwhile, you have used significantly more fuel, risked a fine, points on your license and, most importantly, risked the lives of others.
I love driving. I love the sensation of speed. And I will overtake when it is safe and necessary to do so. But I also love getting to my destination early simply because I allowed plenty of time of time for the journey, not because I risked overtaking every vehicle in front of me.
Do yourself a favour - leave a few minutes earlier and leave the anxiety and blood pressure to Alex Ferguson.

Should you drive differently in your test?

Rory wasn't the only test this week.
I have no idea about the statistics, but it seems to be accepted that, the younger you are, the more quickly you learn. Sometimes it can even be shocking how quickly 17 year-olds learn. But, somehow, it does mean that it can be more rewarding teaching more mature pupils.
My 2nd pupil on test is no longer 17 (as is also the case with Rory). She actually started with me a couple of years ago, but combining work with her family and a degree course meant that she found learning to drive just one commitment too much. But moving 10 miles further up the loch meant that learning to drive became a necessity.
Possibly, part of the reason it can harder to learn is that, at 17, people often have less fear and more confidence. Julie's biggest hurdle was her self-confidence. So, although I was confident she was ready for her test, she seemed less so. In fact, in the lessons running up to her test, she made regular comments about 'expecting to fail' and 're-booking her test as soon as she got home after failing'.
She asked me to sit in on the test. An emergency stop right at the start of her test clearly unsettled her and she stalled at the next junction. After a slightly messy couple of minutes, she got it together and began to drive as well as I know she can. But the stall and the messy driving was obviously still on her mind because she seemed completely shocked when the examiner told her she had passed.
Something else that added to Julie's lack of confidence was the fact that she had hardly any private practice outside of her lessons. Seoras was almost the opposite. His parents gave up their time so that he could practice his driving most days. Consequently, his driving became very assured and natural. But, a few bad habits, such as not checking his mirrors adequately, were beginning to creep in. So my job changed from telling him how (and why) to do things, to what could happen if he didn't do these things. As a result, Seoras passed with just a few driver errors, making it three first-time passes out of three tests for my pupils on Wednesday.
 The very next day I had another test. This pupil had also benefited from practice with parents and has become a very good, considerate driver. She also asked if I could sit in on her test. It was possibly the most comfortable I have ever felt when sitting in the back. As the test progressed I began thinking that she might complete the test with 0 driver faults. She was approaching a crossroads, with three cars parked on her side of the road, close to the junction. She checked her mirrors and started moving out to pass the cars. Just as she did so, a car turned into our road. She slowed down and the oncoming car slowed too. Unfortunately, she assumed the oncoming car was giving way to her (they probably were) and released her brake. The examiner recorded this as a serious fault and it cost her her test. It was a very split-second decision and, if she had just held back a fraction more than she did, she would have been fine. It just goes to show that EVERYTHING we do when driving should be done to cause as little inconvenience to others as possible.
Bear that last statement in mind when reading the following:
Another pupil, who has his test approaching, was talking to one of his school teachers, who has been having lessons with another instructor. She told my pupil "My instructor said that, on your test, you should slow down and go into first gear at every junction." Now, either my pupil misunderstood his teacher, or his teacher misunderstood her instructor, or her instructor is an idiot....
Imagine if you are following a vehicle and you see that vehicle indicating to turn into a side road. You would probably expect that vehicle to slow to a speed that they could check the junction is clear and negotiate the turn. If that vehicle then slows right down to below walking speed (and selects 1st gear) you will be forced into braking harder than you originally expected. This is potentially dangerous. Sure, some junctions are so tight, or so blind, that 1st gear might be appropriate, but not EVERY junction. And, as a side note, why would you ever do anything different on your test to what you would usually do? (answer: you wouldn't).
 As a driver, every day you will encounter other drivers, cyclists and pedestrians that cause you problems. Sometimes it is accidental, often it is due to ignorance, arrogance or stupidity. Whatever decisions you have to make while driving, it should always consider what causes the least problems for others.... And that includes the vehicles behind you who are braking furiously because you unnecessarily selected 1st gear.
Just in case you are left in any doubt, the answer to the question in this post's title is 'Don't be so bloody stupid!'

How refreshing.

Well I seem to have cracked that stupid solve-a-mathematical-puzzle-to-turn-the-alarm-off thing on my phone. It turns out I was answering the questions correctly but not pressing some other button. How was I supposed to know that?!
You may laugh, or sneer (but a sneer is not a flattering look on you) at the thought of my alarm shenanigans, but they are effective. So far I have found that the best tunes to rouse me are 'I fought the law' by The Clash, or 'Lust for life' by Iggy Pop - the galloping intros of either send me jolting from my pillow, arms flailing like an electrified octopus to turn the alarm off.
While my alarm helpfully tells me what day it is, the weather is not very helpful in telling me what month it is. The fact that, the other day, it was -8C and I had thick ice on my windscreen merely suggests that there is an 'r' in the month. This is further confused when, later the same day, it was +13C and I had the car window open for the first time in months.
Of course, my customers pay me for the finest and sharpest instructional mind available, so it is not too encouraging if they read about me not knowing what day, or what month, it is. They need have no fear though, for, by the time their lesson starts, I could not possibly be more awake. This was especially the case this morning...
Anyone above a certain age may remember television adverts for Skol lager. I am not sad enough to remember them precisely, but they showed people being dunked on a water wheel, or being caterpaulted into a snow bank, then declaring that it wasn't as refreshing as a pint of Skol... Or something like that. I was reminded of that advert this morning; I had an 8AM lesson to start with. Although not particularly cold, it was still dark, raining, and there was a gusting north-westerly wind. My car was parked facing North-West. The amount of grit and muck on the roads meant that keeping the car clean is a never-ending process and I get through gallons of screen wash. Last night I could tell the screen wash was getting low, so I decided to fill it before the day's lessons. Naturally, the weather decided that that was the perfect moment to deteriorate. The wind picked up, trying to take my bonnet with it and causing the horizontal rain to pelt my back. Stupidly, I wasn't wearing a coat and, within seconds, my back was soaked with Atlantic rain. It certainly refreshed me more than a pint of Skol ever could. No time to change my shirt, so I drove to Rory's, the whole journey leaning forward so I didn't get the seat wet and make him wonder if I had perspiration problems.
Matters were further complicated by the fact that Rory had his driving test at 8.40, his first attempt. So, not wanting to dampen the examiner's seat, I had to continue leaning forward until I felt my shirt had dried sufficiently - not the best health & safety practice.
Another instructor in one of the areas I cover put a statement on his website declaring that he won't spend time sat by the side of the road, he will give you as much driving as possible etc; then he added something like 'unlike some instructors - you know who you are!'. Apart from me, there is only one other instructor that covers that area, so maybe he was having an uneducated dig at me. Who knows, who cares? Anyway my (laboured) point is that, often, aspects of driving cannot be covered on the move. I always aim to give my pupils maximum value from their lessons, so I do like to get them driving as much as possible, but time spent with my sketch pad, drawing quick diagrams and explaining things is equally important.
I don't think I have ever spent as much time with a pupil, sat by the side of the road, discussing and analysing aspects of driving, as I have with Rory. It wasn't that he wasn't 'getting it', it was just that he always wanted to learn more. He is always asking me "What would happen if....?" and "What would be the best thing to do if.....?" I wish all my pupils were as inquisitive. Often he would get in the car at the start of a lesson and immediately ask "I was thinking, last night, 'what should I do if....... happened?" And the analysis would go on until, ten minutes later, I would get anxious that neighbours might think I spend too much time sat by the curb instead of driving.
In his test this morning, Rory was waiting at a crossroads to turn right when a lorry approached the junction from the road opposite. The lorry put a right indicator on, then cancelled it, so Rory had to assume it was going straight ahead and thus had priority. But the driver was waving Rory on, but he couldn't go because of other traffic. A few minutes later, Rory was on a narrow, downhill road, approaching a very blind T-junction to turn left. Suddenly a bin lorry turned in to his road, without checking that there was room for him to do so. Rory had the presence of mind to secure the car, select reverse gear, find the biting point and check over both shoulders to ensure it was safe before reversing back to a point where the bin lorry could safely pass. Perhaps if we had spent more time whizzing around the village and less time by the side of the road, analysing his driving, he might have rushed, made bad choices and not passed his test. Very well done Rory, I'm very proud of you.
So, if you are learning to drive and you don't FULLY understand something, ask your instructor if you can pull over, switch off the engine and have him/ her explain it to you. Or find a better instructor.

(and remember to bring a coat if you are going to the Highlands).