Silly season

I know. I'm sorry. I've been busy. What can I say?
Almost a month since my last post. Must try harder.
Often, I'll be driving along, and I'll think of something that I want to write about. Then I'll get busy with lessons or something and I'll forget what it was that was. Other times, I will start typing, save it, then, when I return to finish the post, I'll think 'No, I don't think I'll bother with that.'
So, my May resolution is to get here a bit more regularly. "Little and often" as one of my (pub) customers used to be fond of saying.

As we approach the end of April, I hope I am safe in saying that we were lucky with the weather this winter. We had some snow, but nothing like the previous two years. In fact, there has been fresh snow this week, but, a month ago, we had temperatures up to 23 - 24C. There has been many a day when, in one lesson, we'll have the car windows down and shades on, but in the next, the heater will be on with the windscreen wipers pinging backwards and forwards.
But, whatever the weather, silly season is approaching... sorry, I meant 'tourist season'.

We have these things by the side of the road called 'pavements' (or 'sidewalks' if you prefer). They are usually quite flat and ideal for walking on (unless you live in Xi'an in Northern China  - see video). Then we have these other things, called 'roads', which lie inbetween the pavements, and are useful for driving or cycling on. Sometimes people get confused. Sometimes people cycle on the pavements, sometimes I have the occasional pupil who seems to want to drive on the pavement, and often, pedestrians walk on the roads.

The 2012 tourist season has only just started, but I have already lost count of the number of times we have had to slow down, or stop, because pedestrians are walking in the road (despite there being a perfectly good pavement just a few inches away). Not only that, but it seems that many people are now using cameras without a zoom. Let's take the Fowler Memorial Clock in Ullapool as an example. It is situated on the (nice, safe) pavement, at the Argyle Street/Quay Street crossroads. It is a very nice clock. So nice, that people like take photographs of it. But rather than stand anywhere on the pavement (or even on the other side of the road and use the zoom on their camera), people do seem to like standing in THE MIDDLE OF THE CROSSROADS to take the picture.
Last summer, during a lesson, my pupil was driving along Shore Street, towards the ferry. Ahead, we could see a group of 5-6 people, standing in the middle of a crossroads having a chat. We checked our rear mirror and gradually slowed, waiting for them to step a couple of metres to the side. Nothing. We had now slowed to 2 or 3mph, but trying to keep moving to make our intentions clear. Eventually we had to stop. They had looked at us and resumed their conversation. "What planet are you from?!"  I wanted to yell at them. But we politely smiled and waved as we slowly passed them, once they had finally stepped aside. Ok, Ullapool does not have the same traffic density as say London, Bangkok or even Little Piddleton-in-the-sticks, but motorists (and cyclists) do like to use the roads to get from A to B, and they prefer not to be delayed by photographers or chinwaggers.
Last week, one of my pupils (who hasn't got the best grasp of the English language) was having a lesson. We were approaching a group of three men who, for some reason know only to them, were walking in the middle of the road, when there was an empty pavement next to them. Again, I instructed my pupil to slow down, hold back, and give them time to realise that we were there and step out of the road. They didn't seem to be in any rush to move, so I was just about to suggest that he looked for a safe opportunity to drive around them when BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!! He had given them a long blast on the horn before I could stop him! I have just had my logo put on my car (see photos), so there was absolutely no mistaking who we were. The three men gave us very dirty looks as we drove past and I gave them a very embarrassed wave of apology. I asked my pupil to pull over and tried to explain that, yes, the horn can be used to warn others of our presence, but sometimes we just need to be a little more patient.

What sort of driver are you?

The other day an acquaintance drove Jane and I into Inverness. He has been driving for years. I see bad examples of driving every day, but it was very strange being in the car at the time and not saying anything or doing anything about it. We got to our destination and back in one piece, but I’m not sure how. Gear changes seemed completely random, his clearance of other vehicles was alarming, and his speed into bends and junctions was just stupid. I have already confessed to being a reckless driver when I was younger, but it was quite an eye-opener seeing such a bad driver up close.

Last night, I had just finished reading Cloud Atlas for the third time and I needed something else to read. The only thing handy was the Style section of The Sunday Times, which Jane had been reading. Not really my cup of tea, apart from the restaurant review, but then I found a quiz to determine my attitude to fashion. You know the type of thing, you answer a series of multiple-choice questions and, from your answers, you are told what type of person you are. It turns out I am ‘in fashion denial’ and have less interest in fashion than even Mrs Ed Miliband. Doubtless you are not too concerned about my sartorial stance, but it gave me an idea…. I could set you a quiz to find out what sort of a driver you are. Ready?

1. You are taking a journey along a rural road with a 60mph speed limit, then through a village with a 30mph speed limit, then another rural road with a 60mph. You should
a. Drive, within the speed limit, at an appropriate speed, subject to road, traffic and weather conditions.
b. Maintain a steady 40 - 45mph throughout the whole journey.
c. Get there as fast as possible, but why do these other drivers keep getting in my way?

2. You should use your indicators
a. Early enough to indicate your intentions, but not so early so as to confuse.
b. When I work out where I should be going, but it is usually not worth bothering by then.
c. What are indicators?

3. The driving test
a. Should be considered as the minimum requirement to allow you on the road, but you should always strive to continuously improve your driving.
b. We didn’t have driving tests in my day Dear.
c. Is for wimps. Learner drivers should be kept off the roads until five years after they have passed their test.

4. You notice that someone is in the process of overtaking you. You
a. Check your mirrors and the road ahead and maintain a constant speed, but watching out for the possibility that the overtaking vehicle may move quickly back in.
b. Brake and swerve to the left to avoid the maniac.
c. Accelerate - Who do they think they are, trying to overtake me?!

5. You are approaching a roundabout and you want to go straight ahead, taking the second exit. You
a. Check mirrors and keep to the left lane, but looking out for road signs or markings which would indicate otherwise. You bring your speed down progressively, selecting the appropriate gear. When it is safe, you enter the roundabout, keeping to your lane, indicating left as you pass the first exit.
b. Hedge your bets by approaching over two lanes. Stop at the roundabout so that you can work out which way to go. Decide to go anyway (despite the oncoming traffic) and work out which way to go while you are on the roundabout.
c. Obey the Euclidean postulate that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

6. You are on a 60mph single-carriageway, with few safe overtaking opportunities. Ahead of you there is a convoy of 15 vehicles, all maintaining a safe separation, being held up by a car driving at 45 mph. Your destination is 4 miles away. You
a. Maintain a safe separation from the vehicle ahead, dropping back further if the vehicle behind gets too close. Even if was safe to overtake all the vehicles, we would only get to our destination approximately one minute earlier, so it is pointless considering it.
b. Are the vehicle doing 45mph at the front of the queue.
c. Floor it, overtaking as many vehicles as you can, trailing a cloud of fumes behind you and thinking that all the drivers you are overtaking must think you have a great car and are the world’s greatest driver. You brake and squeeze into the gaps that these vehicles have left when oncoming lorries flash their lights at you, giving them the finger as they avoid you by inches.

7. You are driving in the Highlands when you see the most spectacular view. You
a. Look for somewhere safe, legal and convenient to pull over and take a look.
b. Slow down or even stop right there. Take some photos from the window of your vehicle, then drive off just as the following vehicle is overtaking you.
c. I haven’t got time for ‘views‘.

8. You hear an emergency vehicle siren. You
a. Check your mirrors to see how close the following vehicle is, then try to establish where it is coming from. If it is on your road you try to decide if the best course of action would be to slow down or stop. Then, as they pass, you look for the possibility of there being more emergency vehicles before considering whether an indicator would be necessary or helpful.
b. Panic and stop.
c. Wind the window up because the noise is interrupting your phone call.

9. A learner driver is stopped at an uphill traffic light in front of you. You
a. Keep a good separation distance, allowing for the possibility that the car may roll back or stall.
b. Stop right behind the car and panic when the learner starts rolling back.
c. Stop millimetres behind the car and blast your horn within 2 seconds of the lights changing to green.

10. You are on a winding single-track road with occasional passing spaces. You
a. Drive at an appropriate speed, keeping an eye on where the passing spaces are. When you see an approaching vehicle you check the situation behind you and look for an opportunity for you or the other driver to safely keep to the left. You acknowledge the other driver as they pass and consider whether a signal would be helpful.
b. Wonder why the vehicle in your way is having to reverse.
c. Expect any approaching vehicle to bow down to your superior vehicle and get out the way.

How did you get on? If you answered
Mostly ‘B’s - You are a tourist.
Mostly ‘C’s - You are an Audi driver (or possibly a Subaru Impreza, or a 1997 Vauxhall Corsa pimped to the max).
Mostly ‘A’s - You are a liar. (although I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are one of my pupils).