Matthew's big day

Matthew's test was scheduled at 9.37am; a nice time, I think, after rush hour, but before Inverness' traffic really gets going. So we could afford to have a relaxed start to the day, with tea, bacon sandwiches and (not so relaxed) The William Tell Overture (The theme from The Lone Ranger) to liven us up.
There have been all sorts of roadworks and changes to the road system in the area around Inverness test centre recently, so we wanted a relaxed drive around the area before the test. With fifteen minutes to go it was time to turn the car round in the road and head towards the test centre. Matt seemed fine, but I was the one getting nervous, and this wasn't helped by the amount of traffic delaying his turn in the road.
"What time is my test?" asked Matthew, at 9.30am, as we approached the test centre.
"We've got plenty of time." I reassured, but anxiously aware that we only had a few minutes to spare. 

With every test I always get a little...... not nervous, but concerned. I only bring a pupil to test if I am confident that they are fine driving on their own. They don't have to be perfect (like Sarah last month), but they have to make me feel relaxed and confident in their ability. Matthew certainly drove like that. I had no doubts at all about his ability to drive but...... It is a test. And you never know what someone will do in test conditions.

For those of you who might not know, I'll explain the procedure: Matthew meets the examiner, who checks both parts of his licence and asks Matthew to sign a declaration that the car is insured and that he has lived in the UK for 6 out of the previous 12 months. The examiner then asks Matthew if he would like me to sit in on the test (he did). We walk out to the car park and the examiner checks his eyesight by asking him to read a number plate from 25 - 30m (the requirement is 20m). Then we approach the car and the examiner asks him two 'show me/tell me' questions. An incorrect answer incurs a 'driving fault' (Matthew answered both of his correctly). You will pass your test if you make 15 or fewer driving faults and no serious (or dangerous) faults. A dangerous fault is one that involves actual danger to anyone (including you and the examiner) or to any property. A serious fault is one that could potentially have been dangerous. A driving fault is one that, at the time, was not considered potentially dangerous, but making the same driving fault throughout your test could become a serious fault. Once we are all sat in the car, the examiner explains that the test will last approximately 45 minutes and that he is to follow the road ahead unless road markings or signs indicate otherwise. If the examiner wants you to turn left or right he will ask you in good time. For me, sitting in the back, I have to keep quiet and can have no influence. Sometimes the examiner might include me in the conversation, but, as a rule, I have to sit tight and shut up.

The examiner decided to get the reversing manoeuvre out the way and asked Matthew to pull out to the left or the right, straighten up, then reverse back into a bay. He is looking for control, accuracy and effective observation. This had been Matthew's least favourite manoeuvre, but he executed it perfectly.

He drove off and I began to relax. Really nice driving. Good approach to junctions and hazards. Over halfway through the test and absolutely nothing he could be faulted for; slightly over-cautious in a couple of meeting situations, but I would far rather he was cautious than take chances. We then came to a reasonably straight 30mph road with a bin lorry emptying the bins up ahead. Just beyond was a parked van on the other side of the road. If he acted quickly, he could comfortably overtake the bin lorry and safely return to his side of the road before the van became a problem. He hesitated and held back, just a fraction. The opportunity was then lost as the bin lorry neared the van and we had to wait until another gap appeared when the bin lorry had passed the white van. Hmmm. The examiner did not register anything on his sheet, but he might wait until later. It was certainly nothing serious though. 

Matthew continued to drive very nicely, dealing with some tough situations. The examiner asked him to pull over, then explained that the next section would be when he wanted Matthew to drive independently. For this part, they can either ask you to follow road signs (for example, 'follow road signs to Fort William'), or they can give you a series of directions (as opposed to step by step directions). He gave Matthew a combination of both. "I would like you to turn right at the end of the road, turn left at the next two roundabouts, then follow signs to Aberdeen." He then asked Matthew to repeat the instruction. There was a few minutes between the two roundabouts and, approaching the second, I thought his indicator was a touch early. Although there was no road between us and the roundabout, indicate too early and it could look as though you are parking. For the first time, I noticed the examiner put something on his marking sheet. Even though I thought the signal was only slightly early, I still worried that the examiner might have viewed it as serious. Ridiculous, because I knew it wasn't potentially dangerous, but I still worried.

I guess it was partly because there was definitely slightly more pressure on Matthew and me than usual. There is pressure on every test, if only because no-one wants to spend another £62 on a second attempt, but failing your test is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. You have waited at least 17 years to get your licence. so it really is no big deal if you have to wait another few weeks (Ten working days is the minimum, but, in practice, it can be a lot more before you get another attempt). With Matthew, he was flying back to England the next day and, although his driving was easily good enough to pass wherever he chose to take his test, we really had been building up to this moment. And I know that his parents (my brother, Chris, and his wife, Sondra) would not have given it a thought if he doesn't pass but.......... I guess that, whenever someone doesn't pass, I always wonder if I have missed something in their instruction.

So now we were following signs to Aberdeen, through the busy Raigmore Interchange, and heading east on the A96. The examiner then asked him to follow signs to Culloden and Balloch. This took him right on a roundabout and into a slightly unusual road. Unusual in that it had regular streetlights, but was in fact a 60mph road. As he came off the roundabout he seemed to be slow getting the car going. With slight alarm I realised that he presumed that the street lighting mean that it was a 30mph speed limit. I could do nothing. I sat there, siliently urging him to look ahead where, in the distance, I knew there would be a reminder speed sign. fortunately he saw it, checked his mirrors to make sure that no-one was about to overtake, and put his foot down to get it up towards the speed limit. Eek. How would the examiner view that? Any vehicle behind would have expected him to accelerate towards 60mph after the roundabout, and may have been tempted to overtake when he was slow to do so. But, he had seen the first reminder sign and, importantly, had checked his mirrors before accelerating. I thought it could be viewed as a driving fault, but surely nothing serious?

Not far from the test centre now, but the bin lorry and the failure to see the national speed limit sign were heavy on my mind. As far as I was concerned, they were not serious, but I was not the one examining Matthew. Back at the test centre, he pulled carefully into a bay and the examiner asked him to switch off the engine. He looked down at his sheet and said "I'm pleased to tell you, Matthew, that you have passed." After the formalities of handing over the provisional licence and the paperwork, he quickly explained that he had recorded just two driving faults; one for hesitation at the bin lorry, and the other for indicating too early for the roundabout. He was obviously happy with the way Matthew realised that he was initially too slow, and corrected it, after the Culloden roundabout.

Matthew was delighted. It had been a very competent drive and to pass, first time, with just two driver errors is an excellent result. But it was well deserved. He had driven in every area I cover, from Elgin in the east, right up to Ullapool in the north-west, all of which provided different challenges. Jane rewarded him by taking him to sunny Findhorn for a walk on the beach and lunch outside the pub, overlooking Findhorn Bay, while I continued with quest to bring all my pupils to Matthew's standard.

Ironing out the wrinkles

Bugger. You would think that, in mid-July, I would be quite comfortable in a short-sleeved shirt. Having said that, you would think that I had the sense to keep a fleece or light waterproof in the car 'just in case'. 
It's not particularly cold or wet, but, compared to the tourists in their coats, fleeces and goretex jackets, I feel very under-dressed. 
No test centre in Ullapool so, once again, I go for a walk, or find a cafe, when my pupils are out on test - and I have six consecutive tests today. 
It is quite a unique situation in these remote test centres. In Inverness and Elgin I occasionally get 2, or even 3, tests on the same day. It is unlikely that test candidates will know the other pupils talking their test and they nearly always get an hour's lesson prior to their test. In Ullapool however, the only pupils I can guarantee an hour's lesson before their test are the ones that book the first test of the day, or the one immediately after lunch. For the others, as is the case today, they have to meet me at the Fire Station (where the test begins and ends) and, if we are lucky, they will get a ten/fifteen minute 'warm-up' drive before their test. Then, after their test, they are often left to make their own way home as I will invariably have another pupil waiting for their warm up drive. Sometimes test days can feel a bit like a conveyor belt.

The other thing is that most of my Ullapool pupils know each other so, not only do they get anxious about their own tests, but they can sometimes worry about their friends' too. Last month, a pupil taking the last test of the day asked "How has everyone else got on today?"

"Would it help if I told you they all passed or they all failed?" I replied.

"No, you're right. I don't want to know."

Another thing is that, as much as I am confident that they should all pass, it is natural that I will be more confident in some rather than others. And it is often down to how much they have put into it themselves. As much as I try to make them as good a driver as possible, you can often get pupils who reach a good standard in relatively few hours. The problem with that is that I have less time to see how they deal with various situations. If then, during the test (or worse, after they have passed their test), a situation arises that they don't know how to deal with, then they could be in trouble. In theory, if they apply their knowledge to any situation, they should be fine, but you just never know for certain. I have had pupils who, on their test, have had to drive along a pavement to get around a lorry that was unloading. Or have had to reverse back along a narrow road from a T-junction because a lorry had blindly swung into the junction without checking into the road first. Both pupils passed, but nothing like that ever occurred during their lessons.

So, as a pupil approaches their test, I like to try to engineer situations that are going to be difficult for them. My philosophy is that, if they can deal with really difficult junctions/situations, then 99.9% of driving (and, hopefully, the driving test) will be really easy in comparison. I am trying to iron out all possible wrinkles, or polish them to perfection.

Unfortunately, sometimes a wrinkle unexpectedly occurs. My first test pupil of the day was someone who I struggled to find any fault in her driving. The photo on the right is of West Terrace, Ullapool. The 'pavement' is the area between the wall/fence and the white line. For the purpose of a turn in the road, the examiner is quite happy for the pupil to cross the white line, but, otherwise, it should be considered as a pavement. In her test, my pupil was driving on the other side of the road (towards us, as far as this photo is concerned), with numerous parked cars on her side. Another car, approaching her from ahead, had already starting encroaching on the 'pavement', to give both cars as much room as possible. My pupil should have pulled in to the left slightly and waited behind a parked car, to enable to the oncoming car to return to the correct side of the white line. But, because the oncoming car had already made room for her, she continued. And failed as a result. The ironic thing, as far as she is concerned, is that her awareness of 'meeting traffic' situations is usually perfect, so it was the last thing I would have expected her to fail on.

Later in the day, I had a pupil who had got through her teens and early twenties without learning to drive. It was only when one of her younger sisters (who had passed with me last year) bought her a voucher for driving lessons, that she decided to take the plunge. Her lessons have been quite concentrated, over a period of a few weeks and I think it was the short time span that made her doubt her ability to drive. After all, it was only a couple of months ago that she had not driven at all. So, in the run up to her test, she was having lessons almost every day. To try to eliminate her doubts I tried to work on any problem that occurred, making the 'wrinkles' smaller and fewer, until, a week before her test, it got to the point where I struggled to find a single fault in her driving. And this is by far the best way to combat pre-test nerves. Some people try various (legal) drugs, one person even tried hypnotism, but the best way is to develop your driving to the point where you KNOW you can drive, and can drive well. 

She became one of those pupils who, last week, I thought could be my first pupil to pass with no minor faults. I have now had several pass with just one minor fault/driver error, but the perfect pass had so far eluded us. Apparently, less than one in ten thousand pass with zero faults, but I do get pupils who I think "They could be 'the one'." As it turned out, she did pick up 3 minor faults, but, in a test situation, that is fantastic. So, very well done Catherine - you and Alasdair (her boyfriend, who passed with me in Inverness last month) can now have a private contest to see who is the better driver.

The rest of the tests went equally well. Piotr had failed a couple of times with a previous instructor, which didn't help the nerves, but also passed with 3 minor errors. Bethany, Erin and Olivia were all taking their test for the first time and made me very proud by all passing with just 3 - 5 minor errors. Congratulations to all five of you.

A few days earlier, Aaron took his driving test in Inverness. He had booked a block of twenty hours and his parents helped by giving him extra practice. In the latter lessons we worked hard on any weakness in his driving. He had developed his control of the car early on, but we needed to work on awareness and planning. By the day of his test I was very confident for him and was slightly surprised when he asked if I could sit in on the test. As the test progressed I couldn't find anything I could fault him for - so far. I was unusually relaxed - sitting in on a test is not usually a relaxing experience - and, as we approached Inverness test centre, I was thinking of what a good drive it had been. I knew he had passed, and the examiner confirmed it when he praised him on such a nice drive. But it still caught me by surprise when he said "I'm pleased to tell you that you have passed - and with no driver errors." !!!! We had done it! Or, more correctly, Aaron had done it. Aaron had joined that very exclusive club of a faultless drive in a test. 

I won't stop there. I'll try to get every pupil passing with 0 driver faults. It won't happen, of course, but it is a good target to aim for.

It is not just a target for me. Passing the driving test is really just the minimum standard. Everyone should always try to think of ways of improving their driving. Aaron has already asked about taking the Pass Plus course, and Catherine has already booked her Pass Plus course for next week. If they are looking to improve their driving, despite only having 3 minor errors between them, then it should serve as a lesson for everyone else.

Simple pleasures and sandstorms

Ulysse Speedo app

SpeedView app

It's the little things that please me. I finally have a car with DAB radio. This morning, after Beth's lesson, I started fiddling with it to ensure that I could get BBC 6 Music and I was rewarded with the station playing 'Run run run' by The Velvet Underground. As I said, it's little things like that which make me happy.
Slowly, but surely, I am tinkering with my car to get it set up exactly how I want it. No, I'm not talking about suspension or anything technical like that, I'm talking about linking my phone to the entertainment system via bluetooth and having it secured in a convenient position. Now I can switch from BBC 6 Music to my MP3 library to answering phone calls by voice command to listening to audiobooks stored on my phone. Another little thing that pleases me is how Google Maps displays a photo of the building as I near my destination - very useful when going to my first lesson with a new pupil. All clever stuff.
One thing about the Fiesta is that it is impossible to see the left side of the speedo from the passenger side. It reminds me of when my dad had a Cortina MkIII, which had dashboard dials so deeply recessed that they must have been almost in the engine. I can usually sense how fast my pupil is driving, but it is nice to know exactly. After all, too slow is almost as much a problem as too fast. You can spend money on independent HUD (Head up display) units, which project the car's speed on the windscreen, and most SatNavs will tell you the speed, but in small digits. So I speculatively searched for 'speedo' (nothing to do with swimming trunks) in the Android app store and found a couple of really good GPS speedo apps.
The first one I tried was Ulysse speedometer. This looks great and has lots of options.
The second one I tried was Speedview. It looks quite boring in comparison, but is easy to read and, although I can't quite put my finger on the reason why, I prefer it to Ulysse. The displays on both are clear and easy to read, but both have HUD options.
Sadly, it's not all fun and games. Last year was a bumper year as far as driving test results were concerned: I had a 75% pass rate in Ullapool and a 77% pass rate in Inverness; not quite as good in Elgin, but very happy on the whole (I almost forgot, 100% in Alness - but that was just one test). I would have been on big bonuses if I had still been with BSM (do BSM still have pass rate bonuses?). Anyway, this year's pass rate took a knock yesterday. Two tests, two fails...
The first one was just careless: He was on a 60mph road with a T-junction ahead and the examiner faulted him for his approach speed. "But the examiner didn't say which way we were going," he protested to me afterwards.
"All the more reason for bringing your speed down in plenty of time?" I suggested.
The second test was bizarre. While parts of England suffer drought conditions and hosepipe bans, it is an understatement to say that we have not had the same conditions up here. In fact, while we have been thankfully spared the snow that recent winters have brought, it has been rather wet. So much so, that Loch Glascarnoch has been so full that the dam at Aultguish has sometimes overflowed. However, yesterday, my pupil and I would have killed for a few more spots of rain....
A combination of dry weather and strong winds meant that the topsoil was becoming quite dusty. During her test, on the same 60mph road that my earlier pupil had failed on, the wind whipped the sand and dust into clouds that swirled across the fields and roads. Unfortunately she just got a but ahead of herself and, instead of braking first, she wasted valuable time considering whether or not to put the fog lights on and the examiner judged that she had been going too fast for the conditions.
Later, when I got home, Jane asked about my day and I told her about my pupil's tests.
"Did you not teach her about driving in sandstorms?" she asked.
Silly me, it must have slipped my mind.

How refreshing.

Well I seem to have cracked that stupid solve-a-mathematical-puzzle-to-turn-the-alarm-off thing on my phone. It turns out I was answering the questions correctly but not pressing some other button. How was I supposed to know that?!
You may laugh, or sneer (but a sneer is not a flattering look on you) at the thought of my alarm shenanigans, but they are effective. So far I have found that the best tunes to rouse me are 'I fought the law' by The Clash, or 'Lust for life' by Iggy Pop - the galloping intros of either send me jolting from my pillow, arms flailing like an electrified octopus to turn the alarm off.
While my alarm helpfully tells me what day it is, the weather is not very helpful in telling me what month it is. The fact that, the other day, it was -8C and I had thick ice on my windscreen merely suggests that there is an 'r' in the month. This is further confused when, later the same day, it was +13C and I had the car window open for the first time in months.
Of course, my customers pay me for the finest and sharpest instructional mind available, so it is not too encouraging if they read about me not knowing what day, or what month, it is. They need have no fear though, for, by the time their lesson starts, I could not possibly be more awake. This was especially the case this morning...
Anyone above a certain age may remember television adverts for Skol lager. I am not sad enough to remember them precisely, but they showed people being dunked on a water wheel, or being caterpaulted into a snow bank, then declaring that it wasn't as refreshing as a pint of Skol... Or something like that. I was reminded of that advert this morning; I had an 8AM lesson to start with. Although not particularly cold, it was still dark, raining, and there was a gusting north-westerly wind. My car was parked facing North-West. The amount of grit and muck on the roads meant that keeping the car clean is a never-ending process and I get through gallons of screen wash. Last night I could tell the screen wash was getting low, so I decided to fill it before the day's lessons. Naturally, the weather decided that that was the perfect moment to deteriorate. The wind picked up, trying to take my bonnet with it and causing the horizontal rain to pelt my back. Stupidly, I wasn't wearing a coat and, within seconds, my back was soaked with Atlantic rain. It certainly refreshed me more than a pint of Skol ever could. No time to change my shirt, so I drove to Rory's, the whole journey leaning forward so I didn't get the seat wet and make him wonder if I had perspiration problems.
Matters were further complicated by the fact that Rory had his driving test at 8.40, his first attempt. So, not wanting to dampen the examiner's seat, I had to continue leaning forward until I felt my shirt had dried sufficiently - not the best health & safety practice.
Another instructor in one of the areas I cover put a statement on his website declaring that he won't spend time sat by the side of the road, he will give you as much driving as possible etc; then he added something like 'unlike some instructors - you know who you are!'. Apart from me, there is only one other instructor that covers that area, so maybe he was having an uneducated dig at me. Who knows, who cares? Anyway my (laboured) point is that, often, aspects of driving cannot be covered on the move. I always aim to give my pupils maximum value from their lessons, so I do like to get them driving as much as possible, but time spent with my sketch pad, drawing quick diagrams and explaining things is equally important.
I don't think I have ever spent as much time with a pupil, sat by the side of the road, discussing and analysing aspects of driving, as I have with Rory. It wasn't that he wasn't 'getting it', it was just that he always wanted to learn more. He is always asking me "What would happen if....?" and "What would be the best thing to do if.....?" I wish all my pupils were as inquisitive. Often he would get in the car at the start of a lesson and immediately ask "I was thinking, last night, 'what should I do if....... happened?" And the analysis would go on until, ten minutes later, I would get anxious that neighbours might think I spend too much time sat by the curb instead of driving.
In his test this morning, Rory was waiting at a crossroads to turn right when a lorry approached the junction from the road opposite. The lorry put a right indicator on, then cancelled it, so Rory had to assume it was going straight ahead and thus had priority. But the driver was waving Rory on, but he couldn't go because of other traffic. A few minutes later, Rory was on a narrow, downhill road, approaching a very blind T-junction to turn left. Suddenly a bin lorry turned in to his road, without checking that there was room for him to do so. Rory had the presence of mind to secure the car, select reverse gear, find the biting point and check over both shoulders to ensure it was safe before reversing back to a point where the bin lorry could safely pass. Perhaps if we had spent more time whizzing around the village and less time by the side of the road, analysing his driving, he might have rushed, made bad choices and not passed his test. Very well done Rory, I'm very proud of you.
So, if you are learning to drive and you don't FULLY understand something, ask your instructor if you can pull over, switch off the engine and have him/ her explain it to you. Or find a better instructor.

(and remember to bring a coat if you are going to the Highlands).

More tests, Morris Dancing, mad weather and a little bit of luck

After my less than comfortable excursion to Gairloch, it was a welcome relief to get back to my own pupils in Ullapool. It was like putting an Aretha Frankin CD on after spending the morning listening to X Factor auditions.
The next day I had four pupils taking their test:
We started at 7.30am. My first pupil first had driving lessons twenty odd years ago, but had been put off driving until one of her colleagues recommended me to her. I think she had reached the stage where she assumed she would never drive. As a result, she seemed in deep shock when she passed, first time, with just four driver faults. Very well-done Karen. Have fun with your new Suzuki and thank you very much for the bottle of Laphroaig.
Lawrence had the 9.37am test and also passed at his first attempt. Surprising how easy driving is when you give yourself time.
A wee bit of pressure on me for the 10.44am test. A few months ago Effie, one of our crack quiz team, said that her son's girlfriend had booked her test and could I help her out? Well I would be delighted to help, but would it affect our quiz team dynamic if we weren't successful?
I eased the pressure by going to The Tea Store for a Big Hot Roll and a pot of tea. The manageress and I chatted about learning to drive and it transpired that she had learned to drive near where I grew up. When the conversation came around to my pub, The Cross Keys in Totternhoe, she said "I used to dance there!" She then went on to explain that she was one of the founder members of Caddington Blues, a Morris Dancing troupe.
"You should found a Morris Dancing troupe here." I suggested.
"Hmmm. Maybe we could do something for the Ullapool dance festival next year? So I can count on your participation?"
I hadn't expected that, "Er..... er....... Sure. Yes. Count me in."
We shall see. Meanwhile, if anyone else fancies jigging about with sticks, bells, funny hats and hankies, then make yourself known at The Tea Store.
Tea and Big Hot Roll polished off, I walked back to find that Julia had also passed with just four driver faults. Very well done Julia, good luck with your interview (which you can now drive to.
At the start of October I got an email from someone asking if they could have a semi-intensive course with me in Ullapool. She would be moving back to Glasgow in January and hoped to pass her test before then. She confessed that she had initially approached another instructor in Ullapool but he only offered her lessons on the very days she said she couldn't do. Good for me though. She put the time and effort in but, unfortunately, she couldn't get a test in Ullapool, so she booked her test in Inverness. We drove to Inverness (only her third lesson there) and, despite going a different direction to that which the examiner asked, passed well with 5 driver faults. Very well deserved Zoe. See you in two weeks for your Pass Plus.
A very successful day then; four tests and four passes AND an invitation to become a Morris Dancer!

The transition from Bob to Noel at the Argyll quiz was seamless. It was as though Noel had been doing it for years. However, we have been on a bit of a winning run recently and, with one round to go, we were half a point behind. The last round is the Wipeout round. You get points for every correct answer, but if you don't know an answer you should leave it blank because one wrong answer wipes out your score for that round. The temptation though is that, if you answer all ten correctly, you get five bonus points. We were pretty confident about 8 of the 10, but we decided to gamble on going for the whole lot. Which company has a black 'M' in a white circle as their logo? We put Morrisons, but it turned out to be Motorola. We therefore wiped out and finished fourth. FOURTH?!?!? 'Bring back Bob' I say!

Now I can normally sleep through anything. Many years ago, when I was running a pub, I had such a bad hangover one day that I  was convinced I was going to die. Unfortunately, the door to my flat was blocked by a table of people in the restaurant, so I couldn't go and die in the comfort of my bed. I staggered through to the lovely cool cellar and the only space I could find to lie down was on top of a chest freezer. I thankfully fell asleep and the staff and my mother took great pleasure in showing the pub regulars me sleeping on the freezer. Thursday night however, not even I could sleep through the howling wind, rain, thunder and lightning in Ullapool. The next day it continued. In addition, we also had snow down to low hill levels, bright sunshine, sleet and thick hail. Sometimes it was so loud we could not hear ourselves talk in the car. Winter was on its way. But it was reassuring to see the snowploughs already out.

Saturday morning I had my fifth test of the week, ok, sixth, I was trying to forget the one in Gairloch. This one also in Inverness, and another first-timer. My pupil asked the examiner if I could sit in the back during his test. A bit of a nervous start, but no errors. We were coming downhill on Tower Road, down to the T-junction with Barn Church Road. It's a bit of an unusual junction; turning right is controlled by traffic lights, but turning left is a give-way. My pupil was asked to turn left. The traffic lights (for turning right) were red, but I could see that it was safe for him to proceed at the junction. He began slowing to a stop. "Noooo!" I thought. Luckily, there was nothing behind us or he would certainly have incurred a serious fault. He realised, just in time, that he should be ignoring the lights, and only picked up a driver (minor) fault for 'planning'. He only had one other driver fault and thus passed with just two faults. So, apart from those couple of seconds where you had me squirming, it was a very good drive. Congratulations Robert, enjoy all that extra time you will have now you don't have to rely on public transport.

It's always a bit strange when you spend time with people such as Robert, Zoe, Julia, Lawrence and Karen, and then go on to pupils who are still struggling with aspects of their driving. The thing is to treat each person as an individual. Solutions for one pupil may not work for another, that is where the core competencies are so vital (for those of you doing Pt 3 training). It may take a matter of weeks (such as in Zoe's case), or it may take months, but they all get there in the end.

Aural torture

The other day I was driving home, listening to the radio, when I heard a fantastic track. I didn't catch the title, but it was by Etta James. I love her version of 'I would rather go blind' and am now kicking myself for not catching the song title - it has been ages since I have heard something that had such an impact on me.
Amazingly, the next night, another track also had a big impact on me. Unfortunately, not in a good way. We were watching BBC's Children in need and they introduced 'The Collective' performing the 2011 Children in need single, Teardrop. My jaw dropped as 'The Collective' proceeded to massacre Massive Attack's song. Ok, I may be a tad biased, as Elisabeth Fraser was the vocalist on the original, but Tulisa's vocal was unbelievably bad in comparison. The next morning I was waiting at a garage when the same track came on the radio. On the single Tulisa's voice was slightly improved by autotune, but I was almost hopping round in anguish, being forced to listen to it.
Saturday night was apparently 'movies night' on The X Factor. One of them sang a cover of Aretha Franklin's Think, from The Blues Brothers (and also, apparently, from Bridget Jones' diary). Tulisa, now in her role as 'singing judge' declared that it was "a bad song choice" because 'she had never heard that track' causing my jaw to drop for the second consecutive night. It was a bit like a film critic saying they had never heard of Jaws. 


Wednesday night saw the end of an era when Bob hosted his last ever quiz at The Argyll in Ullapool. He is moving to Edinburgh in the pursuit of true love and we wish him well. Apparently Noel will take over the mic, I wonder whether he will continue the actress/bishop 'jokes' and the abuse of teams with unimaginative names.

Monday afternoon I received a text enquiry from someone asking if I gave lessons in Gairloch. The short answer is 'no, I don't.' Gairloch is 92 miles (over 2 hours) from me and 56 miles (an hour and a quarter) from Ullapool. I have taken pupils for test there when they have been unable to get a test in Ullapool, but I have to charge them for every hour, so it's not a cheap option. The person then called me and said that he had seen on this blog that I have taken pupils for test in Gairloch. I explained the logistics and he said that he would be willing to pay for my time because 'his test was the next morning'! I politely declined and suggested he call Kenny, the only instructor I knew of that covered Gairloch.
A while later he called back and said that Kenny could not help. I did not have to be in Ullapool until 12pm, so, with his test being at 9.37am, it was just possible to get over to Gairloch, let him take his test, and get to Ullapool in time for my afternoon lessons, but it would mean setting off at 6am, so I calculated what it would cost him. But, before we agreed, I needed to know if he was ready for his test. So I quizzed him on his experience.
"I have had over 30 hours of lessons in London and I have taken one test, but I failed because I didn't cancel my indicator. And now I am in Gairloch."
Now, I have plenty of experience of driving in London and some experience of driving in Gairloch. I thought that, if he had been close to passing his test in London, he should be ok to take his test in Gairloch.
"Ok," I agreed, "I should be in Gairloch about 8.15 - 8.30, giving us a good hour to have a look at anything you're not sure about."
"I'm staying in Inverness tonight. Can you pick me up there?"
"That's fine," Inverness is on the way to Gairloch from where I stay, "I'll be there at 7am."
So, 7 o'clock Tuesday morning, I arrive at the address in Inverness, check his licence and tell him that he can drive, to give him a chance to get used to the car. We set off and..... something's not quite right.....
He can't drive...... Ok, an exaggeration. He can drive a bit, but not well. And certainly not well enough to pass his test. Do I refuse to take him and waste my entire morning? Or do I carry on, give him as much instruction as I can in the next two hours? It is too late now to question him further on his previous driving experience, I just have to teach him what I can.
"So what brought you to Gairloch from London?" I ask.
"To take my driving test."
"Yes, but why did you move to Gairloch?"
"No, I live in London. But I see that Gairloch has the highest test pass rate in the country, so I decide to take my test there."
I wanted to bang my head on a wall. He had come all the way to the Highlands to take his test (in an area he had never even seen before), purely because he had learned Gairloch had a high pass rate. He had not considered that it might be because Kenny might be a very good instructor. Kenny gets sick of other instructors bringing their pupils to Gairloch for a supposedly easier test, and I don't blame him. Yet, here I was, conned into doing the same.

Gairloch coos 

As we neared Gairloch, the hills became steeper and he couldn't cope with it. He couldn't hear the engine struggling in 5th gear and reacted far too slow to my instruction to change down. We came to a stalling stop - on a 60 mph road.
I'll cut the story short: We got to Gairloch. I had done my best, but his driving was still poor. I shouldn't present someone for test unless I am confident they are going to be safe and in control without me. It's a waste of everyone's time and not a pleasant situation for the examiner (even if my car does have dual controls - the examiner does not want to use them). I was kicking myself for agreeing to let him take his test without an assessment of his driving. I did the only thing I could do. I hid. I took my ADI licence out of the window and removed my signage. We drove to the narrow lane where the test starts from. I told him to go into the fire-station to meet the examiner and I would return at the end of the test. So, while the poor examiner was presumably subjected to 40 minutes of buttock-clenching discomfort, I sat in the cosy Mountain Coffee cafe, enjoying a fine coffee and a delicious (and substantial) ginger and date scone (I had hoped for one of their excellent marmalade scones, but they had sold out).
Eventually, I watched my car return and I trudged up the hill to see how he had got on. 'You never know', I thought, 'he may have pulled it all together'. I was deluded. Although he seemed quite happy that he had 'Only got 11 driving faults. That's less than last time', he had 3 serious faults (steering, gears and approach speed to junctions - poor examiner).
I told him where he could catch the bus back to Inverness but he asked if he could go with me to Ullapool. I had no immediate reason to refuse. Damn. Big mistake.
His initial acceptance of the test result soon changed to one of anger.
"I can't believe he failed me."
I try to be diplomatic, "Perhaps you didn't quite convince him that you will be fine on the roads?" I suggested, imagining white terror on the examiner's face.
"But how can he fail me in Gairloch? It has a 70% pass rate."
I tried to explain that that meant 30% of people fail, but I didn't add that most of those are probably much better drivers than him. But I am glad he failed. Coming all the way to Inverness and Gairloch (plus my fee) would not have been cheap. He obviously thought it would be a cheap way of obtaining his licence, which backfired badly. However, I admit that I was wrong to take him without assessing his driving first and I apologise to the examiner.
The drive from Gairloch to Ullapool is breathtaking. It was a beautiful clear day and the drive should have been a real pleasure. Unfortunately, he spent most of the journey ignoring the scenery and telling me how wrong the examiner was and how it didn't matter anyway because he had friends who could get him a dodgy Zimbabwean driving licence which would be valid in the UK. I am not au fait with Zimbabwe/UK licence matters so I didn't comment - I'm sure he would not have listened to any alternative I may have suggested, such as 'take more driving lessons and get your licence legally'.
Thankfully, he started to fall asleep after an hour, so I tried to drive ultra carefully so as to not wake him and listen to more rubbish. I had already heard enough rubbish this week, whether from deluded learner drivers or X Factor judges.

It never rains......

Loopallu has been and gone, more of my lessons include the use of headlights and X Factor and  Strictly... are beginning to dominate the television schedules. These are the modern indicators of Autumn; it would be impossible to tell from the weather because it is just as wet and windy as the Summer.
I feel sorry for the tourists this year - they have not seen the Highlands at its finest. In Ullapool this morning the weather was atrocious and tourists sat huddled in hotels and cafes wondering why they decided to come here in the first place. It is bin day in Ullapool and the empty wheelie-bins being blown over only added to the miserable scene. But never mind the tourists, I have my pupils to think about.
Unusually, I only have one pupil on test today (lots of pupils waiting for tests though). If you read my previous post, you may remember that I tempted fate by saying I was 99.9999% sure he would pass. As his test began the weather was worsening. It was bad enough in the relative shelter of Ullapool, but, as they drove out to Ardmair bay, the mass of rain in the wind made for awful driving conditions. So, extra credit to Alexander O'Neil (no, not that one - much to my wife's disappointment) for passing with 3 driving faults. And extra relief for me because I was beginning to regret my last post.
Not much else to report at the moment. I had a quick check on my stats for this blog and for my 'professional' website. I have bored you with this before, but it is sometimes puzzling what search terms people use to find my sites. After mentioning Jedward in a previous post I received dozens of hits from people searching for talentless twosome. Inshes roundabout always generates lots of views, it is obviously of concern to Inverness drivers (and not just learners). Someone had come to my blog after searching for 'L1pps on plenty of fish' ????? No, I have no idea what they were really after. Someone from Russia decided my blog was THE place to read about 'розовая машина' (I wish I knew). And, most bizarrely, yesterday someone clicked on this blog after Googling 'dogging grantown tonight'. I'm not sure whether I am relieved or disappointed that I was 29th in the list of results. But dogging in Grantown? Haven't they seen the weather out there?!

A new term

It feels a little like a new term here on Planet Farle. Over the last 9 days I have had 9 pupils taking their final exams, just as a sudden influx of new pupils begin their studies.
I've already mentioned Holly's test and the less successful test the same day. I have already decided that I will no longer be giving that pupil lessons. Her attitude stinks; no-one is entitled to a driving licence, you have to earn it. Losing her business is a small price to pay. Another instructor can have the aggravation if she decides to continue driving. Rant over.
The following day started with another unsuccessful test. The difference being that, this time, the pupil did deserve her licence, based on her driving ability and her attitude to her training. After starting her lessons in Ullapool, they moved to Inverness and, when we both agreed the time was right, they booked their test. Having a mathematical inclination, they are a bit of a perfectionist. No bad thing, in fact, it's quite refreshing for me to have a pupil who will not accept 'good driving', they want to be a 'perfect driver'. So, when they started their test and got asked to complete a reverse park into a parking bay, they decided that the first attempt wasn't good enough (it was in the bay) and pulled forward to perfect it - 1 driving fault. And that was their only driving fault. Unfortunately, they picked up one serious fault - As they were preparing to stop at a traffic light controlled T-Junction the lights changed to green. So they released the brake and was just about to accelerate when they hesitated because the approaching traffic in the new road were still slowing down (not yet stopped). Of course, the vehicles behind would have expected them to go and would have had to brake because of their hesitation. The examiner was almost apologetic and suggested that it probably only have been a driver fault if there had been no vehicles behind. Next time, no problem.
Day three and another pupil taking their test for the first time. At least, their first British test, and their first manual test. Jennifer had already passed her test in an automatic car, in her native Canada. Then, earlier this year, she moved to Nairn to be with her boyfriend and he has a manual Mini. It's often interesting giving lessons to someone who can already drive. She picked up the clutch and gears very quickly but it was the roundabouts that challenged her - "Why don't they just have traffic lights?" was her view - particularly the spiral roundabouts. But we conquered them in our lessons and she breezed through her test with just three driver faults, and one of those was for the vehicle checks ("He asked me how I check the engine oil level; I heard the word 'engine' and just thought 'engine coolant'. He suggested it was not a good idea to put engine oil in the radiator.").
Congratulations also to Hazel for passing her test, again at the first attempt, on the same day. Have a great time in Australia.
Day four and it was over to Elgin for Laura's next attempt. A thoroughly miserable day, with lashing rain punctuated by bright sunshine, making for quite challenging driving conditions.Laura had come so close on her previous attempt and I have rarely seen anyone less upset at failing their test. When I asked why, she replied that 'she knew that she can drive and would definitely pass next time'. And so it proved, as she passed easily with four driver faults.
Day five was not the most straightforward. My pupil had an 8.40am test in Inverness and we had arranged for me to pick her up from Nairn at 7.30am, enjoy an easy 25 minute drive into Inverness, then spend half an hour going over anything she wanted reassurance on before her test. As I pulled up at her house she came out and told me that she could not find the paper part of her licence. I always remind my pupils, in plenty of time, to make sure they both parts of their licence ready the night before. 
"Don't panic. You must have had it for your theory test. We have plenty of time. I'll wait here while you find it."
I waited. And waited. She came back out to tell me she still couldn't find it.
"You need it. It will be somewhere. We're still ok for time. You just need to think where it could be."
The clock ticked on. I listened to the eight o'clock news, then the sport. It got to 8.10am and, with a 25 minute drive to the test centre we had run out of time. I would have to knock on the door and tell her she would have to re-book for another day. Just at that moment she came running out, clutching both parts of her licence. I didn't want to panic her, so I let her drive and would consider calling the test centre if it looked like we weren't going to make it. Luckily her driving is fine, so I can concentrate on the clock. 8.30am now and we still have a few miles to go.
We get there with 2 minutes to spare - deep sigh of relief - and she reverses into one of the DSA bays. One good thing about not arriving too early for a test is that we don't have to wait too long, letting the anxiety build, before the examiner arrives. Anyway, off she goes and I sit there wondering whether the frantic nature of the last hour will affect her.
It didn't. At least, not enough to put her off her driving. She passes with five driver faults but is still too wound up by her morning to completely enjoy the experience of passing her driving test. But well done Kim. I look forward to seeing you for the Pass Plus course (and you will need your licence for that too, so keep it safe).
Day six and yet another first attempt. Unfortunately, she stalled at a set of traffic lights ("You never stall!" was my reaction) and, after re-starting, did not check that the lights were still green before attempting to move away. One of those mistakes that you only make once.
 The week was completed when Louise passed her test, first time, on my seventh consecutive day of tests (not counting the weekend), making it 6 (including 5 first-time) passes out of 9. Her driving was helped by the fact that she lives in the midst of a narrow one-way system then has to negotiate Inverness' nastiest roundabouts within minutes of leaving her house. Having being forced to cope regularly with that, I hope she found the test comparatively easy.
Only one more test on the immediate horizon - I shouldn't tempt fate, but it is one I'm 99.9999% confident about - then a bit of a break before a bunch of tests next month. What is the collective noun for driving tests? A Panic of tests? A Perspiration of tests? A Tremble of tests?
Meanwhile, a clutch (or is it a 'nervousness' or an 'excitement') of new pupils are just starting, or about to start. Hopefully, they will all be like Holly, Jennifer, Hazel, Laura, Kim and Louise in attitude, and a LOT, LOT less like the woman who threw a hissy fit because her examiner dared to fail her.

A piece of cake

A busy day today, but I have half an hour now before my next lesson. But the day began with two tests; one in Elgin, one in Inverness. The words ‘chalk’ and ‘cheese’ spring to mind.
My first test was at 8.40am in Elgin, so it was an early start. I have been getting increasingly casual about what I eat during the day; ‘lazy’ is perhaps more honest. Rather than preparing a balanced lunch, I have been going to cafés or grabbing supermarket sandwiches. It’s not so much the calorific content, but if you add up how much it all costs over a week/month it is rather worrying. So, last night, I had good intentions. I decided I would, in the morning, prepare myself a lunch to enjoy whilst my Inverness pupil was on test (assuming she did not want me to sit in on her test - I don’t think it would have created the proper professional impression). But I forgot and, just as I was dashing out the door, I remembered and grabbed a big slab of fruitcake that Irene, our next-door neighbour, had kindly baked for us.
My first pupil began lessons with me after I had started teaching her son. Her son was not the most natural driver I have ever seen, but he was very dedicated and always determined to improve. He passed his test a few months ago with barely any driver faults and she is very proud of the way he drives.
 The mum, however, is….. ‘inconsistent’. Perhaps, deep down, I knew she wasn’t ready. I have mentioned her before and moaned about how she constantly said ‘Well, that’s not what my last instructor told me.’ She would drive along, painfully slowly; the reason being because she was spending more time continually checking her mirrors rather than reading the road ahead.
“Why are you checking your mirrors so much?” I asked.
“Because my last instructor told me to.”
“But WHY should you check your mirrors?”
“I don’t know.”
That was a typical exchange. We had another one the other day: I asked her to pull over because her pedal control did not seem as good as usual…
“Try moving your seat back a notch or two.”
“Why? What am I doing wrong? (Very defensive)
“Nothing, but I think we can improve your control. You seem to be hesitant in bring the clutch up and a bit sharp on the brakes.”
“Well my last instructor never told me that.”
She was full of things that a previous instructor had told her to do, but with no understanding of ‘why’. She works several miles from home and has to rely on public transport. With a reduction on bus services she decided that she had to pass her test, so she went ahead and booked it. I know, I know, I know…. It should be me who decides when she takes her test. I know. But I sympathised with her transport problem and perhaps my ego thought I could get her to a good standard in time. My ego was wrong.
Her test wasn’t good. When she relaxes she can drive well, but as soon as something goes wrong it dominates her thoughts and her concentration goes. Whether it was the pressure she put herself under of having to pass, or whether she made an early mistake I don’t know, but it was probably the least successful test I have had in years.
The examiner was honest in their assessment of her driving, but not rude. I didn’t catch all of the conversation but my pupil had obviously tried to argue her way to a pass. Now let’s make this clear: The examiners do not want to fail you. If, in those 40 minutes, you can convince them that you are safe, in control, are considerate of other road users and have a degree of confidence then you will pass. Once you have passed your test you will be in solo control of a potentially lethal weapon. The examiners will not change their mind and pass you just because you ‘need’ your licence.
Your driving instructor is the best judge of when you are ready for your test, not you, not your husband, wife, mum, dad, boyfriend, girlfriend or even the man in your road who used to be a driving instructor. But whatever your instructor thinks, it is the examiner you need to convince, and you do that by driving well in your test.
I had no time to dwell on the matter, or even arrange her next lesson; I had another test to get to, 40 miles away in Inverness.
Over the rest of the day, the pupil who had just failed sent me a succession of texts, all moaning about how unfair the examiner had been and asking if there was a form that she could fill in to complain about the examiner. I answered her first text, initially apologising that it had not gone to plan (after all, it was partly my fault for letting her take her test) and explaining that the examiners need to ensure that new drivers are safe drivers. But I advised against complaining about the examiner. But after that first text I didn’t bother replying to the others.
This next pupil, as I suggested earlier, could not have been more different. She undertook a fairly concentrated course of 25 hours of lessons, but went out driving regularly with her dad. Whenever I felt there was something she could work on she would ask me to write it down and she would go away and work on it (if we had not completely fixed it in her lessons). So I was as relaxed as I could be when she set off on her test.
Disaster though! I had left my chunk of Irene’s fruitcake in the boot of my car!
Meanwhile, another deluded text from my first pupil came through, still ranting about the examiner and now turning her attack on me. She said that “…doesnt say much for you because (the examiner) made it clear I wasting money and everybodys time!”
My initial reaction was to text back and remind her how well I had taught her son and perhaps the best thing she could do was to spend time in the car with him, watching how he drives. But, it would have been a waste of a text. And sometimes I can be a nice person, so I decided not to aggravate her already bad day.
My pupil returned from her test, passing well with just two driver faults - a fantastic result. Holly and her dad, who was waiting, were thrilled. I was equally pleased, especially as I could now, finally, have my cake and eat it.

Putting the theory into practice

When I was a teenager riots had proper soundtracks (Ghost Town by the Specials, as opposed to Nero, or whatever was No.1 at the time), the most sophisticated piece of mobile technology was the Sony Walkman and there was no theory test.
Instead, the examiner would, at the end of the driving test, ask a few questions about the Highway Code. I have no idea how this worked. If you had driven badly were you saved by knowing your road signs? And, if you had driven perfectly, could you still fail if you didn’t know what shape the sign for a roundabout was?
I can’t remember if I have written about this before but, at the end of my driving test I was so convinced I had failed (because I had stalled three times) that I didn’t see the point of the examiner asking me the Highway Code questions. Couldn’t he just get on with it and put me out of my misery? As he turned out, he must have been satisfied with my driving because I don’t think I convinced with my answers to the questions. I vividly remember the last question:
Examiner: “When should you check your mirrors?”
Me: “Um…..” (I had no idea) “Um…..” (I’ll take a guess) “…Every ten seconds.”
Examiner: (Sits there looking at his watch for ten seconds) “That’s quite a long time.”
Me: “Oh…..um…. Every five seconds?”
Examiner: (Looks at his watch for five seconds - it still seemed a long time)
Me: Um… quite often.
I didn’t know whether “quite often” was the precise answer he was looking for, but a few seconds later he was telling me I had passed.

So we had it easy compared to anyone who has had to go through the stress of sitting the Theory Test. These days they are expected to know how many centimetres to compress the chest when trying to resuscitate the victim of a traffic accident (4 -5 cm) and how many compressions per minute (100). They are expected to know where to send their appeal if they think their driving test was conducted unfairly. And they are expected to know exactly what to do if, while driving through a tunnel, they realised their vehicle was on fire. Admittedly, it is quite important that you do DO SOMETHING if your vehicle is a 60mph fireball underground and there are no Fire Stations handy, but I doubt that many people have their plan all worked out in advance.
Although it doesn’t cause as much nervousness as the driving part, I have had many pupils who have been very anxious about the theory test.  I guess this is mainly because tests/exams in general tend to make people nervous, but it could be partly because this is the hurdle they need to overcome before they can apply for their test. I have had quite a spate of pupils taking their theory recently. I saw one of my pupils, Seumas, on Facebook, saying that he was nervous about his theory test the next day. One of my former pupils, Andy, gave him some valuable advice about driving 'Make sure you always drive on the left'. (Although I may sometimes be a bit of a pedant, I did restrain myself from pointing out that this does not necessarily always apply). But maybe Andy's advice helped because Seumas passed the next day. Congratulations also to Emma, Jorine, Judith, Julie, Karen and Lawrence on passing within the last week.

The second part of the Theory Test is Hazard Perception. I have to confess, I thought this was a bit of a gimmick when they first introduced it, I don't anymore. To a brand new learner driver, the idea that cars could pull out in front of you, oncoming vehicles could stray onto your side of the road, pedestrians could walk out in front of you and cars could stop dead in front of you with no warning, it all seems a bit far-fetched and exaggerated. This week, in particular, we have seen pedestrians and drivers doing such STUPID things, that I am wondering whether they have been filming a whole new batch of hazard perception clips here.
This morning, Jorine, was driving along Shore St, by Ullapool harbour, and ahead of us, we could see five people having a nice chat IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROSSROADS. I asked her to check her mirror and gradually slow the car as we approached. That would give them time to realise that perhaps they should move. She brought her speed down nice and slow, 2nd gear.....1st gear.... clutch down..... holding the brakes..... still no recognition from the people in the road (it must have been a fascinating conversation they were having).
"Should I toot the horn?" She asked.
"Yes, possibly, but just give them a few seconds." I was sure they would finally realise that they should move.
After another five seconds, with a car approaching us from behind, my patience evaporated and I gave sharp toot on the horn, They just stood there looking at us before finally moving to the pavement.
And it has been like that all week! Twice I have cars approaching us on our side of the road. The first one was (almost) understandable - some Italian tourists turned right out of a petrol station towards us, but forgot that they should be driving on the left (they obviously hadn't see Andy's advice on Facebook). The second car, some Dutch tourists, were heading towards us on the wrong side of a long, straight road - with no junctions for some time previous, it is scary to wonder how long they had been driving like that.
On Wednesday, just as my pupil was about to turn in to Ullapool 'test centre' for her driving test, another Dutch car approached a 'Give way' on our left. The driver saw us (we were maybe three car lengths from the junction) and STILL pulled out in front of us! At least it gave my pupil a chance to practice her emergency stop before the test.
The worse one was on the same road as the chatting pedestrians. My pupil was approaching the Ullapool - Stornaway ferry terminal. Cars waiting to board/exit the ferry have to give way at a crossroads, but usually a policeman directs traffic. As we approached the policeman was giving us a hand signal to stop. We were still a short distance away, so my pupil was just slowing down to a comfortable slow jogging speed. The policeman then clearly gave a 'stop' signal to the cars waiting to board the ferry and waved us on. Just as my pupil went back on the accelerator a (British) car, waiting to board the ferry, ignored the policeman and the 'give way' line and tried to quickly pull out in front of us. Yet another impromptu emergency stop! The policeman yelled at the other car, complimented my pupil on her stop, then returned to the other driver to give him a bollocking. I like a bit of excitement every now and then, but, this week, I think I have had too much.

And all that was before the tests!
Wednesday saw the return of driving tests to Ullapool after, for some reason, having a break in July. It is disappointing that they had only scheduled six tests for the day. Government cut-backs are obviously now extending to DSA examiner overtime. Anyway, I had four pupils on test and, with an extra month to polish their driving to super-shiny perfection, I was very confident in them all passing.
Congratulations to Kyle Menzies on passing, first time, with four driving faults. He had the 8.40am test and asked if I could sit in 'just in case it goes wrong'. Being a slightly damp, very still morning, there were quite a few midges about and, as we all got in the car, about 28 midges joined us. When I accompany a pupil on test I have to sit quiet in the back and not do anything that could be construed as help. But when midges are buzzing around your face, it is very difficult to remain completely still.

13 of the midges remainined in the car by the time Eilidh's MacFarlane's began her test. But I had got used to their company by then, so I did not mind when she also asked me to sit in on her test. A wee bit wizzy round some of the twisting turns on the Ardmair road, but not wizzy enough to worry the examiner, who passed her with just three driving faults. Very well deserved Eilidh. I know how disappointed you were not to pass last time, but I hope you now think it has all been worth it.

Alas, my third pupil did not pass. She will not get another chance for a while as she is returning to university, but I hope she re-books for her next holidays. You were very close yesterday...... Next time.

I have been teaching two sisters from Achiltibuie for the last few months, one in Ullapool and the other in Inverness. There had been some friendly rivalry to see who would pass first. Yesterday it was Tricia MacLennan, who beat her sister to a full licence. Despite your apparent conviction that you wouldn't pass (you are just like your sister), you proved yourself wrong and passed first time. So very well-done Tricia.

To all of you who passed yesterday, don't forget, drive on the left.

Anarchy and alliteration

In the light of recent events, I am keeping a watchful eye for any signs of agitation and anarchy in Auldearn, disturbance and disorder in Dyke, or upheaval and unrest in Ullapool. In truth, it is hardly likely.... it just isn't the weather for riots and rampaging. All the Highland hoodies are sensibly at home, only causing chaos and carnage on their Playstations.
In fact, the only signs of anti-establishment behaviour are coming from parents of my pupils. I'm exaggerating of course - my pupils' parents are all wonderful people (who just so happen to pay me money) - but one or two of them have dared to question my methods...

Last week, at the end of a lesson, one of my pupil's mum arranged to pay for a block of lessons in the remaining weeks before his test. "And you're teaching him all the test routes, aren't you?" she asked.
Until last year, the DSA published the test routes for each driving test centre. Consequently, many instructors seemed to teach almost exclusively on these routes. You could almost guarantee that a particular road would have 2 or 3 learner drivers practicing their 3-point turns (alright, 'turn-in-the-roads'), and certain junctions would always have someone practicing their left-reverse (I don't think I have ever seen anyone practicing a right reverse). Then someone at the DSA said 'Hold on a minute. This isn't right. If someone is capable of passing their test they should be capable of driving anywhere.' Quite right, too. So, now, the DSA no longer publish their test routes. They still have them, and driving instructors still use them (they get to know them from sitting in on tests), but at least there has been a slight shift away from repetition of test routes.
So I politely replied "There are no set test routes anymore" and explained that I would make sure her son would be competent and confident wherever they took him on test. It simply wasn't worth getting on my soapbox about it.
Perhaps I should have told her the truth. The truth is I am not a nice person, at least not to my pupils. As they progress I will make things increasingly difficult for them. I will take them to the nastiest junctions, ask them to do a reversing manoeuvre in busy roads, and, in short, try to make their lessons as tough as I can. The idea being that, if they can cope with that, then the test should be comparatively easy. After all, once they have passed their test then they will often be on their own, so they need to be able to deal with the tough stuff.

A couple of days later, one of my pupils said that her dad would like to sit in on one of her lessons and would I mind? "Of course I don't mind.... as long as you don't." (it is her lesson, after all). I am always willing to have a pupil's parent/boyfriend/wife/whatever sit in on lessons if they want. But this was the first time in years it has happened. It was only an hour lesson, in Inverness, and I wanted to cover as much as possible to give her dad things to work on in their private practice. Her driving is coming along nicely, so I wanted to concentrate on her weaknesses and made sure that her dad could hear and see all my instruction. At the end of the lesson I turned to her dad to discuss the lesson and what they could work on when practicing.
"Can you tell me the test routes?" was his first question.

Is the grass greener on the other side?

Taking your driving test is not the most stressful thing in the world you can do, but try telling that to someone about to take their test. I have known pupils shaking uncontrollably because they were so nervous. It is not life or death. Sure, it costs another £62 if it doesn't go to plan, but that is nothing compared to what you will be spending on driving over the next fifty/sixty/seventy years - It's less than it costs me to fill up my fuel tank. As I suggested a few weeks ago, the nerves I believe are largely to do with what you believe others will think of you.
A few months ago I received an email from someone who was looking for an 'intensive course'. I am always a bit wary when someone asks about this. Sometimes there can be good reason, but often, if they have waited 17 years to be able to drive, why not be patient and wait another few months. Anyway, this one was different. She had taken her test (and failed) three times, in Glasgow. I did not investigate too thoroughly, but she decided that maybe a change of location was the answer. I was still wary. I have previously written about Inverness instructors taking their pupils to test in Gairloch (or Ullapool or Kingussie) because they have a higher pass rate and, supposedly, are easier. I also remember, when I was on a pink badge (a trainee instructor), another instructor advising me to take my Part 3 exam in Aberdeen, or Glasgow, because the examiners were more lenient than in Inverness (I didn't take her advice). So, my initial reaction was 'if you are not good enough to pass in Glasgow (where she lives), how will she cope with day-to-day driving once she manages to pass her test in somewhere she believed might be easier?'
Over a few emails she explained what had happened in her tests and I began to think that her driving sounded close to test standard. I explained that I mainly cover three separate test areas (Elgin, Inverness and Ullapool), briefly gave her a description of each, but explained that Elgin and Inverness would have more chance of an earlier test. To her credit, she chose Elgin.
I enjoy teaching in all three areas but, if I was pushed to say which was the hardest, I would say Elgin. Sure, Inverness is bigger, has dual-carriageways and some (slightly) weird roundabouts, but Elgin is much more concentrated. The Inverness - Aberdeen route (A96) flows through Elgin, with no obvious alternative. This means all the small roundabouts on the A96 are quite fast-flowing and, therefore, quite daunting to the novice driver. And some of them are so closely spaced that, as soon as you leave one, you have to prepare for the next.
When I met Hazel last week I quizzed her on her driving. We didn't have much time so I wanted to concentrate on her weaknesses. She suggested that 'meeting traffic' (dealing with oncoming traffic in narrow situations) was her biggest weakness. "Manoeuvres ok?" "Yes." "How about roundabouts?" "They're fine, there's quite a lot in Glasgow."
Ok, Glasgow does have a lot of roundabouts, but it had not prepared her for Elgin, and it soon became clear that, to my eyes, they were her biggest weakness. The secret is, like any junction, to give yourself plenty of time to prepare. You don't want to be still braking firmly as you are looking for the gaps in the traffic, you want to be ready to accelerate into those gaps. The slower you go, the more time you will have to see those gaps, but the slower you go, the bigger the gap you will need - quite a balance.
In her 'mini-intensive course' we covered everything, but really focused on meeting situations and roundabouts. Then, at 12.30 on Tuesday, I picked her up for a final hour before her test. The weather was not kind - it was lashing it down. While weather reports suggested England and Wales were suffering tropical temperatures, Elgin was suffering tropical rain. In addition, I don't think I have ever seen the town so busy with traffic. Not the ideal conditions to soothe pre-test nerves.
With 15 minutes before the 1.33pm test time, I had a gentle 5 minute drive back to the test centre planned. "When we get to the roundabout, turn left." I asked. She checked her mirrors, indicated left, brought her speed down, selected 2nd gear, saw the gap and accelerated...... straight across the roundabout!!! Gulp!
Having to think very quickly about an alternative route, I suggested she took a left turn up ahead. Traffic going in the other direction was at a standstill, so I didn't want to bring her back to that. She turned left only to face a temporary sign 'Road closed ahead'. Big gulp!! We were now a good 5 - 10 minutes from the test centre and less than ten minutes to go. Not only that, but my mind was racing, trying to think of the quickest route back to the test centre. I decided I didn't want Hazel sitting at the wheel in all that traffic, getting increasingly nervous as the clock counted down to 1.33pm. I asked her to pull over and, in what I hoped was a calm voice, suggested that we swap seats so that I could get her through the traffic to the test centre.
While trying to bring an air of calm, I thought I had better ask her what happened at the roundabout, why did she signal left, but not turn?
"I don't know. I think my brain just fused."
It wouldn't have been productive to have analysed the fault so close to her test, so I just reassured her and suggested that it was not something she ought to do in future.
We got to the test centre with about a minute to spare. The rain was getting heavier and the exit to the test centre car park was surrounded by inconveniently parked vehicles. I have to have complete faith in Hazel and trust that I don't need to give her any last-minute warnings about such things. So I simply ask her to drive as she normally does and she will be fine.
She meets the examiner and off she goes. I am the most nervous about a test as I have been in years. It is nothing to do with the badly parked vehicles, nothing to do with the dreadful weather conditions, nothing to do with the slightly frantic last few minutes, and nothing to do with her little faux pas at the roundabout. I am nervous because, after her initial attempts in her home city, she has arranged time away from home, paid to stay in a hotel in Elgin (plus the money she is paying me), and has put her trust in me to polish up her driving and help her pass her test - and this is my one shot at it. I can't imagine her wanting to come back to Elgin/Inverness/Ullapool (all at least three hours from south Glasgow) and do it all again if she is not successful.
It is over 50 minutes before I finally see her drive back into the car park, the rain not relenting at all. I wait outside, standing beneath a porch for shelter. The examiner looks at me and beckons me over. Oh dear, not usually a good sign. The rain is hammering down, so I am pleased I have a 5-door, so I can get into the back seat (rather than stand out in the rain). He is silent while he tots up her driving faults (five), then turns to her and tells her that she has passed. I love that moment. You will rarely see any greater expression of happiness. When the examiner tells a pupil that they have passed, they don't just smile, their whole face beams, their eyes widen and it is impossible to look more happy.
I drove Hazel to the train station and she tried to give me £10 too much. I told her it wasn't necessary and that she should put it towards her first tank of fuel. She replied "No, I shall put it towards some Champagne!" A much better idea, I thought.

Driving on to my next lesson, I had my wrist mildly slapped. Hazel had turned the headlights off after her test and I had driven off without putting them back on. It certainly wasn't dark, but, if I had realised, I would have put my lights on. Anyway, an oncoming car flashed me and I presumed they were suggesting I should put my lights on. But of all the cars that could have flashed me, it had to be an Audi driver. Aargh! The shame of having my driving corrected by an Audi driver! I wonder how they would have alerted the RED driving instructor, a few miles later in Nairn, that they really shouldn't be using their mobile phone while driving - not a good advertisement or a good example.

What sort of driver are you?

The other day an acquaintance drove Jane and I into Inverness. He has been driving for years. I see bad examples of driving every day, but it was very strange being in the car at the time and not saying anything or doing anything about it. We got to our destination and back in one piece, but I’m not sure how. Gear changes seemed completely random, his clearance of other vehicles was alarming, and his speed into bends and junctions was just stupid. I have already confessed to being a reckless driver when I was younger, but it was quite an eye-opener seeing such a bad driver up close.

Last night, I had just finished reading Cloud Atlas for the third time and I needed something else to read. The only thing handy was the Style section of The Sunday Times, which Jane had been reading. Not really my cup of tea, apart from the restaurant review, but then I found a quiz to determine my attitude to fashion. You know the type of thing, you answer a series of multiple-choice questions and, from your answers, you are told what type of person you are. It turns out I am ‘in fashion denial’ and have less interest in fashion than even Mrs Ed Miliband. Doubtless you are not too concerned about my sartorial stance, but it gave me an idea…. I could set you a quiz to find out what sort of a driver you are. Ready?

1. You are taking a journey along a rural road with a 60mph speed limit, then through a village with a 30mph speed limit, then another rural road with a 60mph. You should
a. Drive, within the speed limit, at an appropriate speed, subject to road, traffic and weather conditions.
b. Maintain a steady 40 - 45mph throughout the whole journey.
c. Get there as fast as possible, but why do these other drivers keep getting in my way?

2. You should use your indicators
a. Early enough to indicate your intentions, but not so early so as to confuse.
b. When I work out where I should be going, but it is usually not worth bothering by then.
c. What are indicators?

3. The driving test
a. Should be considered as the minimum requirement to allow you on the road, but you should always strive to continuously improve your driving.
b. We didn’t have driving tests in my day Dear.
c. Is for wimps. Learner drivers should be kept off the roads until five years after they have passed their test.

4. You notice that someone is in the process of overtaking you. You
a. Check your mirrors and the road ahead and maintain a constant speed, but watching out for the possibility that the overtaking vehicle may move quickly back in.
b. Brake and swerve to the left to avoid the maniac.
c. Accelerate - Who do they think they are, trying to overtake me?!

5. You are approaching a roundabout and you want to go straight ahead, taking the second exit. You
a. Check mirrors and keep to the left lane, but looking out for road signs or markings which would indicate otherwise. You bring your speed down progressively, selecting the appropriate gear. When it is safe, you enter the roundabout, keeping to your lane, indicating left as you pass the first exit.
b. Hedge your bets by approaching over two lanes. Stop at the roundabout so that you can work out which way to go. Decide to go anyway (despite the oncoming traffic) and work out which way to go while you are on the roundabout.
c. Obey the Euclidean postulate that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

6. You are on a 60mph single-carriageway, with few safe overtaking opportunities. Ahead of you there is a convoy of 15 vehicles, all maintaining a safe separation, being held up by a car driving at 45 mph. Your destination is 4 miles away. You
a. Maintain a safe separation from the vehicle ahead, dropping back further if the vehicle behind gets too close. Even if was safe to overtake all the vehicles, we would only get to our destination approximately one minute earlier, so it is pointless considering it.
b. Are the vehicle doing 45mph at the front of the queue.
c. Floor it, overtaking as many vehicles as you can, trailing a cloud of fumes behind you and thinking that all the drivers you are overtaking must think you have a great car and are the world’s greatest driver. You brake and squeeze into the gaps that these vehicles have left when oncoming lorries flash their lights at you, giving them the finger as they avoid you by inches.

7. You are driving in the Highlands when you see the most spectacular view. You
a. Look for somewhere safe, legal and convenient to pull over and take a look.
b. Slow down or even stop right there. Take some photos from the window of your vehicle, then drive off just as the following vehicle is overtaking you.
c. I haven’t got time for ‘views‘.

8. You hear an emergency vehicle siren. You
a. Check your mirrors to see how close the following vehicle is, then try to establish where it is coming from. If it is on your road you try to decide if the best course of action would be to slow down or stop. Then, as they pass, you look for the possibility of there being more emergency vehicles before considering whether an indicator would be necessary or helpful.
b. Panic and stop.
c. Wind the window up because the noise is interrupting your phone call.

9. A learner driver is stopped at an uphill traffic light in front of you. You
a. Keep a good separation distance, allowing for the possibility that the car may roll back or stall.
b. Stop right behind the car and panic when the learner starts rolling back.
c. Stop millimetres behind the car and blast your horn within 2 seconds of the lights changing to green.

10. You are on a winding single-track road with occasional passing spaces. You
a. Drive at an appropriate speed, keeping an eye on where the passing spaces are. When you see an approaching vehicle you check the situation behind you and look for an opportunity for you or the other driver to safely keep to the left. You acknowledge the other driver as they pass and consider whether a signal would be helpful.
b. Wonder why the vehicle in your way is having to reverse.
c. Expect any approaching vehicle to bow down to your superior vehicle and get out the way.

How did you get on? If you answered
Mostly ‘B’s - You are a tourist.
Mostly ‘C’s - You are an Audi driver (or possibly a Subaru Impreza, or a 1997 Vauxhall Corsa pimped to the max).
Mostly ‘A’s - You are a liar. (although I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are one of my pupils).

Complete control

I did something this morning I haven't done in quite a while; I sat and had a chat with other instructors (Fraser, very experienced, and Jaqui, very new, both from Forres) while my pupil was out on test. Always nice to get different perspectives and get to know the people I wave to each day as we pass by.
It was my pupil's first attempt. He actually started lessons with me way back in Spring 2010, but had trouble passing his theory test, otherwise he would have taken his driving test long ago.
I remember his early lessons. A relative bought him a block of ten lessons when I was still with BSM and the early lessons were a bit of a struggle. He lives in Lossiemouth, a fishing village/town with a fantastic beach on one side and an RAF base on the other. The original village is built on a grid system on a hill, with the buildings built very close to the roads. This means lots of uphill and downhill closed (blind) crossroads. From an instructor's point of view, it is a great place to teach junctions and clutch control - driving uphill to a blind give-way, the pupil either has to be very precise with their clutch control, or they just have to stop and apply the handbrake. Obviously, I didn't start my pupil on these tough junctions, but, as he progressed, the fact that he lived in Lossiemouth was an opportunity not to be wasted and we spent many lessons trying to perfect his control.
The test centre is at the larger town of Elgin, just a few miles inland. After about ten lessons my pupil asked me why we had not yet gone into Elgin; some of his friends were questioning the fact that he had still not had any lessons in the larger town and boasted that their instructors had got them going round Elgin test routes within their first ten hours. I stuck to my guns and reassured him that, once we had mastered his clutch control and approach to junctions in Lossie, Elgin would be easy.
And so it proved: In December I wrote about how impressed I was a particular pupil's ability and control whilst tackling the gradients of Elgin in the snow and ice, while more experienced drivers were struggling, slipping and wheelspinning. It was this pupil. The only problem was, having no computer, he had to go to the library or relatives to practice his theory and hazard perception - not ideal - and took several attempts to finally pass.
No such problem today; he passed his driving test easily, first time. I was curious about the de-brief. The examiner faulted him a couple of times for not using the handbrake. The problem was that his clutch control had become so precise, he could easily hold the car perfectly still on a steep incline, just by using the biting point and accelerator. Very impressive, but not ideal for the car, and I have told him that, if he has plenty of time to apply and release the handbrake (i.e. maybe 5 seconds or more), then he should use it. Perhaps his friends were right. Perhaps we did spend too much time on those junctions in Lossiemouth after all.
Anyway, very well-done Anthony. It was all worthwhile in the end.

A matter of life or death

Some people think the driving test is a matter of life or death. Some of my pupils assure me it's much more important than that.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about one such pupil who was SO desperate to pass his test. He contacted me months before his 17th birthday to arrange an intensive course of lessons, practised regularly with his parents, passed his theory and had his driving test booked for only a couple of weeks after his 17th birthday. His lessons were going so well that, not only was I convinced he was going to pass, but it was hard to imagine he would even pick up a minor fault. As you may have previously read, his test went very well (I sat in the back) until, 20 seconds from the end of the test, he misjudged the intentions of an oncoming learner driver and crossed in front of him. Result - serious fault and a failed test. I have seen pupils upset after a test, but I don't think I have ever seen anyone as shocked by a fail. There is no explaining it; I can think of several pupils who, over the years, have been almost faultless in their lessons, but just do something inexplicable on the day of the test.
Anyway, Friday was his second attempt. In the lesson beforehand his driving was good, but not quite as good as it usually is. Difficult for me to put my finger on what it was, maybe just a fraction rushed. I was surprised when he asked if I would sit in the back of the test again, but I was happy to agree. Whereas, in his first test, I had been relatively relaxed (until the last 20 seconds), I wasn't so relaxed this time. Especially when it came to his reversing manoeuvre. The examiner asked him to do a parallel park - something he could do with ease. But, he just rushed it and I could see we had to gone too far round and was heading for the curb. No problem, just stop the car and pull forward to correct his position. He did not stop. He slowed right down, slow enough so that he didn't actually 'bump' the curb with any force, but I could see the shock on his face. The rest of the drive was 'ok' - a bit shabby by his usual standards, but nothing serious.
At the end of his test, the examiner totted up the faults (7) and my pupil hung his head. It was hard to say whether he was more shocked last time, learning that he had failed, or this time, hearing that he had passed. Afterward the examiner had left, he was still slightly phased and babbled about how he was sure he had failed after his parallel parking. I explained that the examiner had decided that the manoeuvre had been completed 'under control' (but I wasn't entirely convinced, and nor was Andrew).
So, well done Andrew. Your determination and eagerness paid off in the end.

Out with the old and in with the new, as my next lesson was with a brand new pupil. She has set me a bit of a challenge: She passed her theory test back in mid-May 2009, with the intention of taking lessons then. But moving house and getting married delayed that plan and she recently realised that, unless she passed her driving test within two years of passing the theory test, she would have to sit the test again. So she has set me a deadline of less than 7 weeks to get her through her test - from scratch. I like a challenge.

My final pupil of the day was one who, back in December, had begun to lose her interest in driving. She had had lessons with another instructor prior to me and she had got it in her head that it was too long since her very first driving lesson. Was it worth the effort? she wondered. At the time I had suggested booking her driving test for a few months time so that she had a goal to aim for. Unfortunately, her progress had not been as good as we would have hoped and, with her test scheduled for next week, I did not think she was quite ready. I had to break the news.
"But I really want to pass. It's been so long since I started driving." She said. (It hasn't really.... many people take much more than a year from their first lesson to passing.)
I had to persuade her that it was in her best interests and that, no matter how disappointed she may feel about my advice, she would be more disappointed at failing her test. The killer question was "Do you think you can drive around the town without ever needing my help?" "No." was her honest reply.
She agreed to postpone her test. Later that evening, however, I was concerned when she text me to say that she could not get another date until June. I was anxious that she wouldn't wait that long and decide not to change her test date, but, to her credit, she did postpone it and has arranged immediate lessons.

As much as I agree with the DSA's motto, Safe driving for life, it is very rare to have a pupil who's main aim is to learn to be a very good driver, however long it takes. The large majority just want to get their licence to drive as quickly and cheaply as possible. But rushing the process is likely to be a false economy as driving tests cost two-and-a-half to three times as much as driving lessons, so you don't really want to take too many, even if you 'just want to give it a go'.

My final pupil of the night was even more detemined to succeed. Jordan, my 10 year-old grandson was at our house and he enjoys his computer games. I only have a few Playstation 2 games and his favourite is Gran Turismo. He is so determined to beat me (I won't let him win - I'm a bad grandad) and, over the last year, he has reached the point where he is at least equal to me. Suspecting that, one day, he will trash me, I suggested playing Tekken 5 instead. Unfortunately, this was not the best idea as the previous night I had got careless slicing up some ginger for a stir-fry and had lost the tip of my thumb. Despite being bandaged, the rigours of defending my Tekken  credibility opened up the wound and I had to lose real blood in order to beat Jordan. You see, I can be just as determined as anyone else, even if it is only to beat up my grandson.