Christmas rapping

You lot are rubbish. I give you something nice and simple to do; just find me some interesting and invigorating new music and the few recommendations I did get were just….. not very good. In fact - and I can't believe that I'm saying this - possibly the freshest thing I've heard for a while is Getting ready for Christmas by Paul Simon (and I'm not a massive fan of Paul Simon or Christmas songs) Probably a good thing that I have struggled to find decent new music, it’s all too easy to load up my Amazon basket and then wonder where the money has gone.
I’ve just finished my last lesson before taking a few days off to eat, drink and be merry. I’ve got to pick up the rib of beef from the butcher then I’m just about there. We tried the potted duck the other day and that proved to be a success, so Sunday I’m subjecting my unfortunate relatives to the following experimental Christmas menu:

Potted confit of duck with Earl Grey-soaked prunes
**********************
Prime rib of beef with celeriac and horseradish puree
Parsnip gratin
Brussels sprouts with shallots and caraway seeds
Roast beetroot and carrots
Yorkshire pudding
Roast tatties
**********************
Christmas Pudding
Jane’s Lemon meringue ice-cream
Martin’s boozy Tiramisu

I don’t suspect for one moment that you are interested in this, but I thought that if I put it in this blog then I would know what to avoid next year (apart from Jane’s ice-cream, of course).

Mysterious goings on at The Argyll quiz on Thursday nights: As I had previously noted, the passing of the quizmaster baton from Bob to Noel had been seamless (apart from the lack of success for our team). A couple of weeks ago Noel had been stuck up in Scrabster, so had asked me if I could take his place for the evening. No problem, in fact, I secretly enjoyed it. Then yesterday, Franner, the landlady, asked me if I could run the quiz for the next couple of months because Noel wouldn’t be available. Who knows why? Perhaps he has incurred an 8 week suspension for saying something to a Man Utd player. I shouldn’t joke; obviously I’m disappointed that Suarez (such a vital player this season) has received an 8 match ban, but I would be even more disappointed if what he said to Patrice Evra really was intended as a racial slur. Anyway, Franna obviously didn’t know (or had forgotten) about my roundabout sign question shame (I’m too embarrassed to repeat it), or else she is just scraping the barrel when it comes to finding a quizmaster.. So I’m just letting you know, if you are looking for a fun night out in Ullapool on a Thursday night, but you can’t find one, come to my quiz at The Argyll. I say ‘my quiz’, but it’s not. When I had my own pubs I used to spend ages devising increasingly devious weekly quizzes. At The Argyll they buy the quizzes in from a company called Black Tooth, or something. Actually I don’t think it’s Black tooth, that doesn’t sound very enticing. Maybe it’s Red Tooth - but that doesn’t sound particularly attractive either. Whatever colour tooth it is that supplies the quizzes, they are quite entertaining; quite a good variety of questions for all ages and knowledge levels. I particularly like the 'wipeout' round at the end - Ten questions; A point for every correct answer, with 5 bonus points if you get all ten correct. But.... get one wrong and you score zilch for the round. So, if you aren't sure you leave it blank and play safe, but, especially if you are a few points behind, it is sometimes worth a gamble and going for the bonus points. I'll have to have a rummage through various boxes to see if I can find any of my old quizzes to slip into the quiz here and there. Perhaps I'll try some of them out on here...... you lucky people.

Pleased to report that temperatures have risen from -8C last Sunday to +14C yesterday. Not only that, but, as of yesterday, the nights are now getting shorter. This far north, we enjoy very long days during the Summer, but the downside is that, at the moment, sunrise is at 8.43am and sunset is at 3.12pm; just over 6 hours of daylight.

Right, no more procrastination, I've got to get to the butchers. Very best wishes for the festive season, hope it's a good one.

Never mind the ballads

Slowly, but surely, everything is getting more bland and sugary. It seems that almost every other song on telly or the radio is a boring ballad. Or else they take a once great song (by The Smiths or Blondie, for example) and water it down to make a 'pleasant' soundtrack to some tv ad. And don't even get me started on The X Factor.... To describe it as 'bland, boring, overblown, commercial crap' would be harsh on all other bland, boring, overblown, commercial crap.
I've written similar stuff before, but finding some old home-compilation cds in a box in the loft the other day, I came across such gems as Magazine's Shot by both sides, and The Slits Typical Girls, amongst others, and it really emphasised how much we need a similar injection of energy into music again. I will be eternally grateful if anyone can point me in the direction of any new music that is at least half as exciting.
Mini-rant over.
Last Thursday brought an end to a good run of driving test passes. I was as confident as it was possible to be that my pupil would pass. Recent lessons have been trying to take his driving to an advanced standard. So I was very surprised when he didn't pass. Whilst driving at 60mph towards Lossiemouth, he was asked to take the next left, but left his signal too late. He was possibly distracted by the car behind, which was too close, but this should have meant all the more reason for signalling early.
Previously, I had had 8 consecutive pupils passing. Last week Jonathan passed in Inverness. Jonathan is a music teacher at Gordonstoun school, but has recently accepted a position on the island of Montserrat, in the West Indies. He had already passed his driving test in an automatic, but the company car he is being offered in his new job is a manual. He had some lessons with J-Drive in Elgin, but, being unable to get a test before his flight, had no choice but to take his test in Inverness. Many thanks to Jason, from J-Drive, for recommending me to Jonathan (as Jason doesn't cover Inverness). So, a little bit of pressure because he wouldn't have had time for a second attempt before his flight, but he passed well with just three driver faults.
A few days earlier Liam became one of my youngest pupils to pass (also with 3 driver faults), just a few weeks after his 17th birthday. In May this year he had already become the youngest player to make his debut for Inverness Caledonian Thistle, so this capped a very good year for him.
 Saturday I took a whole day off and spent most of it experimenting in the kitchen, trying out different ideas for Christmas dinner. The peanut butter and cherry parfait wasn't too bad, but I have yet to try the potted confit duck and Earl Grey-soaked prunes. If they don't work out we may have to resort to Anna's choice - prawn cocktail.
A bit of a thaw is forecast, which is welcome. Yesterday, snow, ice and temperatures dropping to -8C did nothing to enhance my driving pleasure (although an Iggy Pop cd did). While I'm on the subject of weather, I would like to praise and thank my pupils for their attitude towards their lessons. I have had more test cancellations than lesson cancellations due to the weather. This attitude was typified by Sophie yesterday morning, who made a 3 hour round trip in the snow, from Kinlochbervie, for a one hour lesson.

Finally, I am beginning to wonder if I really exist. I have just spent an hour trying to arrange insurance renewal for Jane's Nissan Navara. Sorting out insurance is not the most exciting pastime - even less so when it is classed as a commercial vehicle. On Direct Line's website it asked for my occupation, then gave me a massive list to choose from (it wouldn't let me type in 'Driving Instructor'). Occupations on this list include Archpriest, Axeman, Bacon Curer, Busker, Embalmer, Foam converter, Lampshade maker, Pearl stringer, Whaler and (honestly) Spiderman! But NO DRIVING INSTRUCTOR!?!? I have seen the damage done to a bus when the bus driver drove into the back of me, so I know I exist, but apparently not where insurance companies are concerned.

I wonder where I apply for the job of Spiderman?

Frozen planet

December in the North-West Highlands and the weak winter sun remains low above the mountains surrounding  Ullapool, even at midday.
The herds of tourists that populate the village during the summer months have long since made the journey back South, in search of central heating, traffic and shopping centres. Small flocks of hillwalkers and climbers can still sometimes be seen but, in general, the colder weather keeps people away.
Today though, there is a nervousness amongst some of the population. Today is the day when a lone Lesser-spotted Examiner is expected to make an appearance.
This is a mixed blessing for some of the population. For many weeks the local Pale Learners have been seen, moving around the area. During these formative weeks the Pale Learners have progressed from stumbling jerkily around car parks and quieter roads to galloping around the wider area. It is during these crucial formative times that they are constantly accompanied by various species of Instructor. The Instructor doesn't let them out of sight. Initially the Pale Learners are happy with this symbiotic arrangement; the Instructor helps build their confidence and the Pale Learner helps keep the Instructor fed. But this situation cannot last; there will be a new Pale Learners coming soon, vying for the Instructor's attention, and, besides, the Pale Learners want to shed their red markings and begin the transformation into fully-fledged Drivers.
Before they can do this, they have to undertake a ritual known as the 'driving test'. By the time their turn arrives they should be competent enough to complete this with ease. They feel confident that they can do this, and so should their Instructor, but it is only under the watchful eye of the Lesser-spotted Examiners that they can demonstrate their skills. Consequently, the thought of an Examiner approaching usually causes quite a stir.
One of the Instructors seems anxious. He has been watching the skies. The weather is deteriorating and, if the conditions are not good enough then it is possible that the Examiner will not show.
Disaster strikes. Sunday morning brings the first significant snow of the Winter. This is too much for even some of the more experienced 'Drivers', whose small brains cannot cope with the change in conditions. This time they are lucky. They may be injured and their pride damaged, but, this time at least, they live to drive another day.
The Instructor paces fretfully. He has to hope that the temperature will increase and bring a thaw, or else his Pale Learners will have to wait for another opportunity to take their driving test. But the signs are not good. Monday morning he awakes to find 4 - 5 inches of snow. With only 24 hours to go it seems the fate of the Learners is out of his hands. The Pale Learners show their displeasure. Some of them venture out into the snow - it is experience that will stand them in good stead over the next few months - but many of them prefer to hide inside in the warmth, hoping that the snow will not last long.

The next day brings a thaw. The snow is melting and the Instructor peers curiously from his lair. Three of his Pale Learners are expecting to take their test today. There is nothing at the moment to suggest that the Examiner will not appear. The Instructor and the Learner move around the village, galloping, trotting and crawling, sometimes even demonstrating bizarre backwards movements. They have done all they can now. They just have to wait.
The Instructor scans the horizon, looking for any sign of a prowling Examiner.

Finally, they accept defeat. It seems as though the conditions are too much for the Examiner. Although most of the snow has gone, and although the conditions are far from harsh, it appears that the Pale Learner will have to wait another month, maybe two, before they can free themselves from the watchful eye of the Instructor and venture out alone into the wild.

More tests, Morris Dancing, mad weather and a little bit of luck

After my less than comfortable excursion to Gairloch, it was a welcome relief to get back to my own pupils in Ullapool. It was like putting an Aretha Frankin CD on after spending the morning listening to X Factor auditions.
The next day I had four pupils taking their test:
We started at 7.30am. My first pupil first had driving lessons twenty odd years ago, but had been put off driving until one of her colleagues recommended me to her. I think she had reached the stage where she assumed she would never drive. As a result, she seemed in deep shock when she passed, first time, with just four driver faults. Very well-done Karen. Have fun with your new Suzuki and thank you very much for the bottle of Laphroaig.
Lawrence had the 9.37am test and also passed at his first attempt. Surprising how easy driving is when you give yourself time.
A wee bit of pressure on me for the 10.44am test. A few months ago Effie, one of our crack quiz team, said that her son's girlfriend had booked her test and could I help her out? Well I would be delighted to help, but would it affect our quiz team dynamic if we weren't successful?
I eased the pressure by going to The Tea Store for a Big Hot Roll and a pot of tea. The manageress and I chatted about learning to drive and it transpired that she had learned to drive near where I grew up. When the conversation came around to my pub, The Cross Keys in Totternhoe, she said "I used to dance there!" She then went on to explain that she was one of the founder members of Caddington Blues, a Morris Dancing troupe.
"You should found a Morris Dancing troupe here." I suggested.
"Hmmm. Maybe we could do something for the Ullapool dance festival next year? So I can count on your participation?"
I hadn't expected that, "Er..... er....... Sure. Yes. Count me in."
We shall see. Meanwhile, if anyone else fancies jigging about with sticks, bells, funny hats and hankies, then make yourself known at The Tea Store.
Tea and Big Hot Roll polished off, I walked back to find that Julia had also passed with just four driver faults. Very well done Julia, good luck with your interview (which you can now drive to.
At the start of October I got an email from someone asking if they could have a semi-intensive course with me in Ullapool. She would be moving back to Glasgow in January and hoped to pass her test before then. She confessed that she had initially approached another instructor in Ullapool but he only offered her lessons on the very days she said she couldn't do. Good for me though. She put the time and effort in but, unfortunately, she couldn't get a test in Ullapool, so she booked her test in Inverness. We drove to Inverness (only her third lesson there) and, despite going a different direction to that which the examiner asked, passed well with 5 driver faults. Very well deserved Zoe. See you in two weeks for your Pass Plus.
A very successful day then; four tests and four passes AND an invitation to become a Morris Dancer!

The transition from Bob to Noel at the Argyll quiz was seamless. It was as though Noel had been doing it for years. However, we have been on a bit of a winning run recently and, with one round to go, we were half a point behind. The last round is the Wipeout round. You get points for every correct answer, but if you don't know an answer you should leave it blank because one wrong answer wipes out your score for that round. The temptation though is that, if you answer all ten correctly, you get five bonus points. We were pretty confident about 8 of the 10, but we decided to gamble on going for the whole lot. Which company has a black 'M' in a white circle as their logo? We put Morrisons, but it turned out to be Motorola. We therefore wiped out and finished fourth. FOURTH?!?!? 'Bring back Bob' I say!

Now I can normally sleep through anything. Many years ago, when I was running a pub, I had such a bad hangover one day that I  was convinced I was going to die. Unfortunately, the door to my flat was blocked by a table of people in the restaurant, so I couldn't go and die in the comfort of my bed. I staggered through to the lovely cool cellar and the only space I could find to lie down was on top of a chest freezer. I thankfully fell asleep and the staff and my mother took great pleasure in showing the pub regulars me sleeping on the freezer. Thursday night however, not even I could sleep through the howling wind, rain, thunder and lightning in Ullapool. The next day it continued. In addition, we also had snow down to low hill levels, bright sunshine, sleet and thick hail. Sometimes it was so loud we could not hear ourselves talk in the car. Winter was on its way. But it was reassuring to see the snowploughs already out.

Saturday morning I had my fifth test of the week, ok, sixth, I was trying to forget the one in Gairloch. This one also in Inverness, and another first-timer. My pupil asked the examiner if I could sit in the back during his test. A bit of a nervous start, but no errors. We were coming downhill on Tower Road, down to the T-junction with Barn Church Road. It's a bit of an unusual junction; turning right is controlled by traffic lights, but turning left is a give-way. My pupil was asked to turn left. The traffic lights (for turning right) were red, but I could see that it was safe for him to proceed at the junction. He began slowing to a stop. "Noooo!" I thought. Luckily, there was nothing behind us or he would certainly have incurred a serious fault. He realised, just in time, that he should be ignoring the lights, and only picked up a driver (minor) fault for 'planning'. He only had one other driver fault and thus passed with just two faults. So, apart from those couple of seconds where you had me squirming, it was a very good drive. Congratulations Robert, enjoy all that extra time you will have now you don't have to rely on public transport.

It's always a bit strange when you spend time with people such as Robert, Zoe, Julia, Lawrence and Karen, and then go on to pupils who are still struggling with aspects of their driving. The thing is to treat each person as an individual. Solutions for one pupil may not work for another, that is where the core competencies are so vital (for those of you doing Pt 3 training). It may take a matter of weeks (such as in Zoe's case), or it may take months, but they all get there in the end.

Aural torture

The other day I was driving home, listening to the radio, when I heard a fantastic track. I didn't catch the title, but it was by Etta James. I love her version of 'I would rather go blind' and am now kicking myself for not catching the song title - it has been ages since I have heard something that had such an impact on me.
Amazingly, the next night, another track also had a big impact on me. Unfortunately, not in a good way. We were watching BBC's Children in need and they introduced 'The Collective' performing the 2011 Children in need single, Teardrop. My jaw dropped as 'The Collective' proceeded to massacre Massive Attack's song. Ok, I may be a tad biased, as Elisabeth Fraser was the vocalist on the original, but Tulisa's vocal was unbelievably bad in comparison. The next morning I was waiting at a garage when the same track came on the radio. On the single Tulisa's voice was slightly improved by autotune, but I was almost hopping round in anguish, being forced to listen to it.
Saturday night was apparently 'movies night' on The X Factor. One of them sang a cover of Aretha Franklin's Think, from The Blues Brothers (and also, apparently, from Bridget Jones' diary). Tulisa, now in her role as 'singing judge' declared that it was "a bad song choice" because 'she had never heard that track' causing my jaw to drop for the second consecutive night. It was a bit like a film critic saying they had never heard of Jaws. 


Wednesday night saw the end of an era when Bob hosted his last ever quiz at The Argyll in Ullapool. He is moving to Edinburgh in the pursuit of true love and we wish him well. Apparently Noel will take over the mic, I wonder whether he will continue the actress/bishop 'jokes' and the abuse of teams with unimaginative names.

Monday afternoon I received a text enquiry from someone asking if I gave lessons in Gairloch. The short answer is 'no, I don't.' Gairloch is 92 miles (over 2 hours) from me and 56 miles (an hour and a quarter) from Ullapool. I have taken pupils for test there when they have been unable to get a test in Ullapool, but I have to charge them for every hour, so it's not a cheap option. The person then called me and said that he had seen on this blog that I have taken pupils for test in Gairloch. I explained the logistics and he said that he would be willing to pay for my time because 'his test was the next morning'! I politely declined and suggested he call Kenny, the only instructor I knew of that covered Gairloch.
A while later he called back and said that Kenny could not help. I did not have to be in Ullapool until 12pm, so, with his test being at 9.37am, it was just possible to get over to Gairloch, let him take his test, and get to Ullapool in time for my afternoon lessons, but it would mean setting off at 6am, so I calculated what it would cost him. But, before we agreed, I needed to know if he was ready for his test. So I quizzed him on his experience.
"I have had over 30 hours of lessons in London and I have taken one test, but I failed because I didn't cancel my indicator. And now I am in Gairloch."
Now, I have plenty of experience of driving in London and some experience of driving in Gairloch. I thought that, if he had been close to passing his test in London, he should be ok to take his test in Gairloch.
"Ok," I agreed, "I should be in Gairloch about 8.15 - 8.30, giving us a good hour to have a look at anything you're not sure about."
"I'm staying in Inverness tonight. Can you pick me up there?"
"That's fine," Inverness is on the way to Gairloch from where I stay, "I'll be there at 7am."
So, 7 o'clock Tuesday morning, I arrive at the address in Inverness, check his licence and tell him that he can drive, to give him a chance to get used to the car. We set off and..... something's not quite right.....
He can't drive...... Ok, an exaggeration. He can drive a bit, but not well. And certainly not well enough to pass his test. Do I refuse to take him and waste my entire morning? Or do I carry on, give him as much instruction as I can in the next two hours? It is too late now to question him further on his previous driving experience, I just have to teach him what I can.
"So what brought you to Gairloch from London?" I ask.
"To take my driving test."
"Yes, but why did you move to Gairloch?"
"No, I live in London. But I see that Gairloch has the highest test pass rate in the country, so I decide to take my test there."
I wanted to bang my head on a wall. He had come all the way to the Highlands to take his test (in an area he had never even seen before), purely because he had learned Gairloch had a high pass rate. He had not considered that it might be because Kenny might be a very good instructor. Kenny gets sick of other instructors bringing their pupils to Gairloch for a supposedly easier test, and I don't blame him. Yet, here I was, conned into doing the same.

Gairloch coos 

As we neared Gairloch, the hills became steeper and he couldn't cope with it. He couldn't hear the engine struggling in 5th gear and reacted far too slow to my instruction to change down. We came to a stalling stop - on a 60 mph road.
I'll cut the story short: We got to Gairloch. I had done my best, but his driving was still poor. I shouldn't present someone for test unless I am confident they are going to be safe and in control without me. It's a waste of everyone's time and not a pleasant situation for the examiner (even if my car does have dual controls - the examiner does not want to use them). I was kicking myself for agreeing to let him take his test without an assessment of his driving. I did the only thing I could do. I hid. I took my ADI licence out of the window and removed my signage. We drove to the narrow lane where the test starts from. I told him to go into the fire-station to meet the examiner and I would return at the end of the test. So, while the poor examiner was presumably subjected to 40 minutes of buttock-clenching discomfort, I sat in the cosy Mountain Coffee cafe, enjoying a fine coffee and a delicious (and substantial) ginger and date scone (I had hoped for one of their excellent marmalade scones, but they had sold out).
Eventually, I watched my car return and I trudged up the hill to see how he had got on. 'You never know', I thought, 'he may have pulled it all together'. I was deluded. Although he seemed quite happy that he had 'Only got 11 driving faults. That's less than last time', he had 3 serious faults (steering, gears and approach speed to junctions - poor examiner).
I told him where he could catch the bus back to Inverness but he asked if he could go with me to Ullapool. I had no immediate reason to refuse. Damn. Big mistake.
His initial acceptance of the test result soon changed to one of anger.
"I can't believe he failed me."
I try to be diplomatic, "Perhaps you didn't quite convince him that you will be fine on the roads?" I suggested, imagining white terror on the examiner's face.
"But how can he fail me in Gairloch? It has a 70% pass rate."
I tried to explain that that meant 30% of people fail, but I didn't add that most of those are probably much better drivers than him. But I am glad he failed. Coming all the way to Inverness and Gairloch (plus my fee) would not have been cheap. He obviously thought it would be a cheap way of obtaining his licence, which backfired badly. However, I admit that I was wrong to take him without assessing his driving first and I apologise to the examiner.
The drive from Gairloch to Ullapool is breathtaking. It was a beautiful clear day and the drive should have been a real pleasure. Unfortunately, he spent most of the journey ignoring the scenery and telling me how wrong the examiner was and how it didn't matter anyway because he had friends who could get him a dodgy Zimbabwean driving licence which would be valid in the UK. I am not au fait with Zimbabwe/UK licence matters so I didn't comment - I'm sure he would not have listened to any alternative I may have suggested, such as 'take more driving lessons and get your licence legally'.
Thankfully, he started to fall asleep after an hour, so I tried to drive ultra carefully so as to not wake him and listen to more rubbish. I had already heard enough rubbish this week, whether from deluded learner drivers or X Factor judges.

Boys toys

The other day I was listening to Radio 5live; the presenters were talking about their new studio and how they thought the floor was not level. Apparently, one of the studio engineers then whipped out his smartphone, opened the 'spirit-level' app and confirmed that the floor was level.
Within minutes I too had downloaded a spirit-level app and was playing around with the bubbles. To be honest, I have no idea when I might use it - If I put a picture up on the wall I simply stand back to see if it is level - but you never know, who's to say I won't build a house one day? (I can just imagine Jane rolling her eyes at this thought).
The other weekend, when I was walking the dogs at sunrise on the beach, I could not see where Heath (Maggie's tiny Papillon) had got to. No problem; I clicked on the 'torch' app on my phone and it used the camera flash as a surprisingly bright torch.
The family favourite is Google Sky Map: You point the phone at any point in the sky and it shows you what planets, stars and constellations you are looking at. It was quite a revelation to find that what we assumed were stars were planets.
It's useful for my business too. I love the fact that I can enter lessons in my phone diary and it appears on my computer and vice versa. And I can go online and search/book driving tests while I am with my pupil. All these things probably seem so 2008 to many of you, but they are wondrous discoveries to me. It even makes telephone calls.
Last year, my nephew demonstrated his prowess at Angry birds. It is seemingly compulsory to have this game if you have a smartphone. It's ok, but a bit repetetive. Call me old-fashioned, but when I am queueing for my fish and chips I prefer to whip out my Samsung and have a game of chess.
I half expect, one day, to find an overlooked secret button that, when pressed, causes a penknife and a corkscrew to pop out. But, lack of Swiss Army knife facilities aside, it's not perfect: This morning I pressed the voice command app and asked it to "Write a new blog post" but all it managed was this drivel.

 (cheeky Samsung ad)

You take the low road and we'll take the high road

"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional." (Chili Davis)


Why am I starting this post with such a quote? Here are two more clues:


"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest." (Larry Lorenzoni)
"There's still no cure for the common birthday." (John Glenn)


Yes, I had another birthday this week. It's ok, really. I LIKE birthdays. I hope I always will. I no longer compile lists of CDs and Playstation games I must have, but the odd new shirt or bottle of Lagavulin/Macallan/Laphroaig is always welcome.
"What do you want to do on your birthday?" Jane asked. 
"I fancy a drive over to the West coast."
"But that's what you do all the time." 
"I know, but I like it. We haven't been to Applecross for a while. I'd like to go there."

So, yesterday morning, Jane, Maggie and I (plus our three dogs in the back of our pick-up) set off for Applecross. I don't know why we don't go more often, it is just THE BEST drive. The first two hours are good, but it is the last twenty miles that are stunning, especially the Bealach na Ba (Pass of the Cattle), a (very) winding, narrow mountain pass. This is a photo I took near the start of the pass (yes, I had stopped). The photo doesn't convey how steep the road gets, but the road goes over the top of those mountains. You only have to Google 'Applecross' or 'Bealach na Ba' to find a wealth of stunning images. 

To give you an even better idea, have a look at this video (and there are several more on YouTube).
It wouldn't be a top, TOP day out without a decent lunch and our lunch at The Applecross Inn was way beyond 'decent'. We shared a selection of the freshest crab, lobster and langoustines imaginable, with a window view of Raasay and Skye backlit by a low, November Sun. 
The 'Undiscovered Scotland' website recommended returning via the northern coastal road to Shieldaig, but we wanted to drive the pass again. However, A wee bit of online searching suggests that the coastal road is worth us going back to in the near future.
By all means visit Loch Ness, Edinburgh, Skye, Glencoe and 101 other places when you come to Scotland, but you will never forget a day out to Applecross. 

Remember remember...

Another little quiz for you:
Scenario 1: You are fast asleep in an hotel when the fire alarm wakes you. You check your watch and it is 2am. Do you..
a) Assume it is a false alarm and wait for someone to turn the damn thing off?
b) Jump out of bed, get dressed and make your way calmly to the meeting point?

Scenario 2: You are driving along a motorway at approximately 70mph. Ahead of you the vehicles start braking. Do you...
a) Assume that the vehicles ahead are being overcautious, or are too close to other vehicles, and expect them to release the brakes and carry on driving?
b) React quickly, checking your mirrors and begin braking until you see the situation easing ahead?

Ross - my youngest step-daughter's boyfriend - works for a holiday company and, now the season has finished, offered Jane, Anna, Maggie, our three grand-daughters and me this weekend at one of their sites at Embo, near Dornoch. A fantastic setting, right on the beautiful, sandy beach.
I had lessons during the day (while the others drove over to Embo), then I enjoyed the 90 minute drive in the late afternoon. The route, along the A96 and A9, stays close to the Moray Firth coast for the most part, giving some wonderful views. Add to that a completely clear sky, no wind and The Cocteau Twins' Four Calendar Cafe on the CD player, it all made for a perfect drive.
And then there were the fireworks. My favourite way to enjoy Bonfire Night is to sit on a hill, watching fireworks go off in every direction. But going on a drive, seeing the different displays is almost as good. Especially if you are not the driver.
I can only imagine the conditions on the M5 last Friday night. I was lucky enough not to be there and have every sympathy for the victims and everyone affected by the terrible accident. There has been some talk about the police beginning a criminal investigation, focusing on the firework display at the nearby Taunton Rugby Club. The Highway Act 1980 forbids 'the discharge of fireworks within 50 feet of the centre of a highway without lawful authority or excuse.' As far as the M5 is concerned, this means about 2 -3 car lengths from the hard-shoulder. The display was apparently over 100m away and the rugby club say the display ended ten minutes before the accident, although smoke from the bonfire could have contributed to the lack of visibility.
Now think back to scenario 2, at the top of this post: Imagine you are driving on a motorway, at night, in occasionally foggy conditions and you are driving at approximately 70mph. Suddenly ahead, you see vehicles braking. Or, your vision in swiftly obscured by fog or smoke. At 70mph you will have covered approximately 20 - 25 metres before you will have even reacted. Assuming conditions are dry, and you react quickly, it will still take you another 70 metres (15 - 20 car lengths) to stop.
It is possible that, if every driver on the road was driving at a speed in which they could comfortably stop in the distance they could see to be clear, were keeping at least 2 seconds from the vehicle ahead and reacted quickly when something unusual happened ahead, that there might still have been an accident. But the chances would have been dramatically reduced.

Meanwhile, the town of Oban, on the West coast, was having very different problems with their firework display (see video above). A "technical hitch" caused all the fireworks to be set off at once, resulting in a short (but impressive) 50 second display.

On Sunday morning it was wonderful to wake to the gentle breaking of waves on Embo beach on Sunday morning. Another near-cloudless sky and I could begin to understand why Embo is twinned with Kaunakakai in Hawaii. But I had lessons in Inverness and Ullapool to attend to, so, after walking the dogs on the beach, I left Jane and co. to enjoy the morning while I scraped the ice off my car for the first time this Autumn (I bet they don't have to do that very often in Kaunakakai).


With a couple of consecutive days of lessons in Ullapool I stayed, as usual, in an hotel. Very nice, you might think, but having a piercing fire alarm go off at two in the morning is anything but nice. What did I do? Well, I lay there thinking "Someone please turn that bloody thing off." I didn't react as I should have done and made my way to safety. I simply assumed that everything was ok and that someone had set the alarm off for a laugh, or by accident. It wasn't until over a minute had passed that I considered that it really could be a fire and I started getting dressed. The alarm was then silenced and I went back to bed. But that minute delay on my part could have cost me my life if it really had been a fire.
The next morning I was considering my delayed reaction and it led me to think about the M5 accident. It is very likely that all it took was for one vehicle not to react to what was happening ahead. I see my pupils do it all the time (and experienced drivers too). They see the car ahead braking (or indicating) and yet they still keep their foot on the accelerator, subconsciously assuming that the situation will have cleared before they have to do anything about it. At the very least, not reacting to what is happening ahead will usually result in firm braking and having to change down a gear or two (something which perhaps could have been avoided with an early response). At the very worst, it could result in a multiple vehicle pile-up on a motorway, with many deaths.

Before I became a driving instructor, I used to think that a 70mph speed limit on motorways and dual-carriageways was outdated and too low. But the thing with speed limits is that people think it is acceptable, even allowed, to go 10% (or more) above the speed limit. So, if they do introduce a raised limit of 80mph on motorways, it will mean there will be plenty of people thinking it is ok to drive along at nearly 90mph. Do you know what your stopping distance would be at that speed? Over 200metres, or over 50 car lengths (again assuming dry conditions). Have a look at www.safespeed.org.uk/background for more information. I wonder how many more deaths there may have been on the M5 with an 80mph speed limit?

So, conclusions to be drawn from this weekend:
1. Police - Don't waste your time scouring every square inch of Taunton rugby pitch looking for 'evidence'.
2. Consider a trip to Embo beach (especially if Hawaii is a bit too far away).
3. Buy, or download, Four Calendar Cafe.
4. When a fire alarm goes off, unless you have been told different in advance, assume it is THE REAL THING and get to safety.
5. When driving, react quickly to whatever is happening ahead of you (brake lights, indicators, pedestrians, junctions, parked vehicles, traffic lights etc), even if it just a glance in the mirrors and easing off the accelerator, until you know everything is safe.
6. If they raise the speed limit to 80mph, get used to leaving a VERY BIG gap between you and the vehicle ahead.

My grandchildren are more intelligent than the driver behind me.

What does this big, red 'L' sign mean? Tough question, I know, but I'll give you a clue: You see it on cars being driven by Learner drivers.
Are you still not sure? Is the question too tough for you? Then you are probably one of those drivers who drive within millimetres of the back of my car (and probably every other car).
Ok, so you found the first question a bit too difficult. Try this one: What is a learner driver?
a) Someone who is experienced at driving and, realising that you are way too close, will bring their speed down so that they will not have to brake hard if anything unexpected happens ahead.
b) Someone who is inexperienced at driving and, although very nervous (and distracted) because you are way too close, may still brake hard if anything unexpected happens ahead. Therefore giving you no time to react and avoid crashing into the back of us.
I'm sorry. Silly me. I forgot you (think you) are the world's best driver and will never crash.
Let me give you a free driving lesson: If the vehicle ahead of you is going slower than you would like to go then, by all means, consider overtaking. But, in order to make overtaking easier, stay 2 (or more) seconds back from the vehicle ahead. This gives you a better view of the road ahead (thus avoiding bending your neck at strange angles), it gives you a short distance to begin your acceleration when you want to overtake. And it also gives you time to change your mind if the situation changes. If you keep a safe distance from us and overtake when it is safe to do so, then I promise my pupil and I will not speculate on what inadequacies you have that you are trying to overcompensate with your driving prowess.
I should be used to it by now, but it still stuns me how close following vehicles get to a car that is clearly being driven by someone who is inexperienced at driving. If you get too close to us - perhaps in an attempt to make us speed up - my pupils will demonstrate their superior intellect by bringing their speed DOWN to reduce the chance of an accident. I have joked about wanting a 2 metre wide, flashing neon 'L' plate, but I don't think even that would make any difference to some drivers.

Congratulations to Fiona on passing her test in Inverness this morning. Very well deserved. Just carry on driving exactly the way you do.

Jane and I enjoyed the company of my mother and Peter this weekend, flying up from Bedfordshire. It is always a mini-challenge we set ourselves to try and come up with something new for them to see or do when they visit. But, this time they had it all organised and knew where they wanted to go in advance. It was very nice to be treated to an exceptional meal at Franklin's restaurant, at the Cluny Bank Hotel in Forres last night. But, for me, the highlight of the weekend was Sutor Creek cafe in Cromarty. Delicious potted duck, the freshest mussels imaginable, the best pizza I have tasted outside of Italy, very good wine wine, great coffee and friendly service. It's a two hour round trip for us, but it was so good that we will definitely find excuses to go there frequently.

I have had a few problems with my phone recently. It's a fairly basic Nokia smartphone, but it was all I needed. However, it crashed a few times and I finally lost my patience with it. Consequently, I treated myself to a Samsung galaxy S2, which is just jaw-droppingly good. Initially, it was like some mysterious alien being, which I could only look at from a safe distance and guess what it did. Then my grandchildren came around and, within minutes were watching videos and tv programs, tinkering with the layout, playing games on it and asking to download apps. Now I have gone from someone who, 7 years ago, didn't even want a mobile phone, to one of those bores who can't do a thing without one.
What I really need to do is to work out a way to keep idiotic drivers a sensible distance behind my car - I wonder if there's an app for that?

The return of the Magnificent

Yuck, yuck and triple yuck.
Ullapool has so much going for it but, as previous posts have described, it has no driving test centre. Not such a big deal during the Summer, but, frankly, a bit of a pain when the weather deteriorates.
Just before the driving test starts, the examiner will ask the candidate if they would like their instructor to accompany them during the test. I genuinely don't mind either way. If a pupil wants me to sit in the back of the car for the test that's fine with me (although I cannot say or do anything). Equally, if they prefer not to have me in the car then that's fine too. If I have a pupil on test in Inverness, Alness or Elgin I can wait in the test centre, read, chat with other instructors, catch up on paperwork, arrange lessons. In Ullapool and Gairloch I have to find another way of killing time while I wait for my pupil to return.
Last Tuesday in Ullapool the weather was as filthy as it gets. The normally placid Loch Broom had been whipped into churning black waves with foaming white horses. Any pedestrians brave/stupid enough to be outside had their hoods up and heads down, and scurried across roads with scant regard for approaching traffic. Ullapool was bad enough, but driving over to Ardmair, several of my pupils had their first experience of having to control a car that is being thrown around by the wind and rain.
So, with four of my pupils taking their test the following day, it was an huge relief, on Wednesday morning, to find that the weather had calmed (slightly). It's the little things that can make a difference and even something such as having to vary the windscreen wiper speed can distract a learner driver from more important aspects of their control. Meanwhile, I am very grateful that I had thought to bring my Keela waterproof - not the most stylish, but always bone dry and great protection from the weather, even on an Ullapool test day.
Nothing distracted Seumas. This was his first attempt and, taking the test in his own car, only recorded two driver faults on his way to passing.
Jorine had the next test, at 9.37am. Jorine had not been with me for long, but had had quite a concentrated course, sometimes taking 4 - 6 hours lessons a week. A little bit of pressure because she was intending to return to the Netherlands for a few months in November, meaning that, if unsuccessful, she may have had to wait until next Spring to try again. Fortunately we had no worries and she passed well with just three driver faults. Gelukwensen Jorine.
A previous pupil had recommended me to Alana, who lives right up in Thurso. I know it's stupid, but I always feel a bit more pressure when they have come a long way. A few months ago I had a pupil come up from Glasgow for an intensive course - it was a very big relief when she passed because I dreaded her going all the way home with the thought of having to take her test again. Anyway, Alana spared us any such concerns when she also passed with just two driver faults and went all the way back to Thurso feeling very pleased with herself.
Three out of three, so far. Could we make it four out of four for the day? My 1.33pm test pupil was on her 2nd attempt. She failed her first attempt for being too cautious and hesitant. So recent lessons have concentrated on making her feel more confident at getting the car quickly up to an appropriate speed when it is safe to do so. She asked me to sit in the back for her test and I was very proud of her driving, especially the way she made good progress when it was appropriate. Unfortunately, a slightly rushed manoeuvre meant that her observations were not as good as they should be - one serious fault. But I was very pleased with her driving and I'm confident we'll crack it next time.
So, 3 out of 4 passes in Ullapool, but I had one more Ullapool (well, Achiltibuie) pupil on test, in Inverness the next day. Typically, with a warm waiting room at my disposal (and even up-to-date magazines), it was warm enough to wait outside if I wanted. On her last attempt (also in Inverness) she only had one driver fault (for correcting her bay park), but fatally hesitated at a green traffic light (due to oncoming traffic) and picked up a serious fault. Unfortunately, that last test was beginning to play on her mind and the nerves were creeping in. As she drove back into the test centre it was difficult to tell from her face as to how it had gone, so I was very pleased to see the examiner start filling in the blue pass certificate.
"That was the worse I have ever driven." My pupil said.
"Well it can't have been, otherwise you wouldn't have passed." I suggested.
Mairead passed with 5 driver faults - hardly a bad drive - but, admittedly, not as good as her usual standard. Still, a pass is a pass.
Like all my pupils, when they pass I am almost sad to see them go, especially when they have been so dedicated, as Mairead (or 'Magnificent Mairead' according to her email address) had been. Still, I can now look forward to seeing how Seumas and Mairead's driving develops when I see them for their Pass Plus course in a month or two.

Meanwhile, a couple of amusing items:

If Carlsberg ran driving test centres.....

Picture the scene; four ageing driving instructors are sat in Inverness driving test centre. The year is 2041 and driving test centres have changed. The four instructors sit in plush, comfy chairs with their feet immersed in basins while Hepatitis-free fish give them pedicures. Waiting staff bring them a choice of drinks and a selection of tasty food on demand. The sweet vintage sounds of The Pixies, White Stripes, The Clash et al play on the MP7 player, while a 2 metre 3D television plays sport, comedy or films of their choice.


1st Instructor: "Ahh... Very passable this, very passable."
2nd Instructor: "Nothing like a good cup of cappuccino, eh?"
3rd Instructor: "You're right there."
4th Instructor: "Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking the finest Italian cappuccino?"
1st Instructor: "Aye. In them days we'd a' been glad to have instant coffee from a vending machine."
2nd Instructor: "A cup of cold  coffee."
3rd Instructor: "Without milk or sugar."
4th instructor: "Or coffee!"
1st Instructor: "In a filthy, plastic cup."
2nd Instructor: "We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up What Car magazine."
3rd Instructor: "The best WE could manage was to suck the coffee granules that were stuck to the spoon."
4th Instructor: "But you know, we were happy in those days, though the DSA were poor."
1st Instructor: "BECAUSE they were poor. Old David Cameron used to say to us, "Money doesn't buy you happiness. We need to make more cuts."
2nd Instructor: 'E was right. I was happier then and the DSA had NOTHIN'. This test centre used to be a dreary, overheated room with blue, metal chairs and a bathroom where the light only came on when you were leaving."
3rd Instructor: "Bathroom? You were lucky to have a BATHROOM! At Elgin test centre we used to have a tiny, dark room, with no vending machine, just a kettle. And you had to walk next door to the Community Centre if you needed the bathroom."
4th Instructor: You were LUCKY to have a Community Centre. At Grantown test centre there was no room, no bathroom and nowhere nearby if you needed the toilet; you would have to find a plastic bottle."
1st Instructor: "Ohh, we used to DREAM of finding a plastic bottle. At Gailoch test centre, if you needed the toilet, the only way you could get privacy was to wander into a field and squat down in the middle of a flock of sheep. Bathroom? Hhmmph!"
2nd Instructor: "Well, when I say a 'bathroom' it was only an adjoining wall of a building people referred to as the 'test centre', but it were a test centre to us."
3rd instructor: "We were evicted from our test centre. In Ullapool, we had to meet at the Pottery Centre car park, then stand around in the rain, snow and gales, peering through the window, pretending to be interested in pottery for 45 minutes."
4th Instructor: "You were lucky to have a car park! In Gairloch we had to park up on a narrow country lane, stand there in the howling Atlantic weather because the cafe was shut. Then, when you were just about to die from frostbite, you would have to wait even longer because your pupil's test had been held up by a farmer herding his sheep through the village."
1st Instructor: "Frostbite you say?"
4th Instructor: "Aye."
1st Instructor: "You were lucky. At Alness test centre we would have dreamed of dying from frostbite. The few magazines left scattered on the table were so old that you died of boredom before your pupil returned from their test."
2nd Instructor: "Well we had it tough. At Elgin test centre we had to arrive 4 hours early, carry the examiner on our shoulders to the car. Then, if the pupil failed their test, the examiner would leap out of the car and slice us in two with a bread knife."
3rd Instructor: "RIGHT. At Ullapool test centre, we had to arrive 2 days early, walk in front of the examiner, licking the ground clean for him as he walked towards the car. Stand in a blizzard for 3 weeks because our pupil had got buried in a snow drift Then, when the examiner failed the pupil, he would kill us both and dance around on our graves singing "Hallelujah!"
4th Instructor: "But you try and tell the young instructors today that and they won't believe ya."

Your (not so) flexible friend

In many ways, I am lucky. I don't really have anything I have to commit to on a regular basis. Consequently, I can be very flexible when arranging lessons. Like everyone, I do enjoy my time off, but I don't fix those times. Earlier this year I had a pupil who wanted a two-hour lesson in Alness before their 8.40am test. And a few years ago I had a pupil who desperately wanted a lesson the day before her test, but I was fully-booked, so I agreed to a lesson at 10.00pm. Neither caused me any real problem and were justified by both pupils passing.
But this afternoon I had a telephone enquiry which tested my flexibility: A man called asking if he could begin lessons with me this week.
"Of course.." I replied "what day were you thinking of?"
"Tomorrow at 2.30."
"I'm fully-booked, I'm afraid. In fact, I'm fully-booked until Saturday; would that suit you?"
"Oh........Ok. And you can do every day at 2.30 after that?"
"I will have to check my diary", I said, knowing that I have some pupils who are booked around that time several weeks in advance. "I may be able to do some days at that time, but I have some other customers who have already booked that time."
(Silence......)  "And how much do you charge?"
I wasn't going to mess around and told him my full hourly-rate with no mention of block-booking or student discounts.
(another pause...) "But I can't start tomorrow?"
"I'm afraid not."
"Ok. I have to go now but I will call you in an hour."
'I doubt it very much' I thought. As expected, several hours later, he has not called back.
So, whoever you are, good luck with your driving lessons. I hope you find an instructor that can accommodate you. Having said that, would you want an instructor who had that much availability at such short notice? It would be a bit like going to a restaurant in a busy area on a Saturday night and being offered any table you like.

Ticklish noses and wobbly legs

I have just stopped for lunch at one of Ullapool's finest eateries and, as I strode purposefully into the building, I realised that I was walking like someone who has had an 'accident'. 'What's wrong with my legs?' I thought, as I found a nearby table (to save me walking further).

Yesterday, Jane and I had taken advantage of the improved weather - there had even been some snow on the highest mountains a few days earlier -  to ride the ponies in Culbin Forest, a mile north of our house. Jane has two ponies; Dave, an Arab, and Lachie, a Highland. Lachie, although slightly smaller, is much more strong-boned and sturdy, so he gets lumbered with me. Difficult to tell from this photo whether he likes me tickling his nose or not.
Jane has been riding all her life, so she knows what she is doing. Even so, she still likes to take lessons every now and then because she always feels that there is room for improvement. I'm nowhere near Jane's standard. Until recently, I considered it an achievement if I could complete a ride without falling off and with the horse/pony going vaguely where I wanted it to. At first I struggled to understand why it mattered whether my feet pointed up or down, and my use of the reins was basic to say the least. But gradually I am beginning to appreciate what subtle leg movements do, and how to co-ordinate my whole body to guide Lachie where I want him to go.
Driving is similar in many respects. The brake and accelerator are much more than 'stop' and 'go'; steering can be improved by 'feeling' the wheels holding the road. Continuous work on this 'feel' for the controls will improve your driving and free your brain to concentrate on the road ahead (hazard perception).

Just as Raphael Nadal strives to improve his tennis and Jane looks to better her riding, I am always trying to make my own driving just that bit better. This attitude works for Sebastian Vettel, so it should work for my pupils and me.One thing about driving though.... After a two hour drive, you do not waddle like a duck the next day.

Blinded by the light

I'm not a sunglasses person. I feel stupid trying them on in front of those greased up mirrors on the display rack and I never seem to find any that are in any way flattering. And if I do they will certainly be some stupid price. So those deepening lines around my eyes are caused by years of squinting. When driving, however, I don't care how ridiculous I look, I just buy a cheap pair of sunglasses that will eliminate most of the glare and keep them in my car. Now whereas most people would associate sunglasses with the 'Summer', when driving, they become more useful as the days get shorter and the sun gets lower. The glare (and danger) is amplified in the mornings/evenings when the road is wet (or icy or snowy) as my 8.00am pupil found out this morning; as she rounded a corner the sudden glare from the sun and the wet road temporarily blinded her and I had to take the wheel to ensure she kept to our side of the road.
As always, when driving, look well ahead and, if you see the road ahead (especially after a bend) is brightly lit, anticipate the effect on your vision the sunlight will have and adjust your speed as appropriate. Better still, ignore the fact that you will look like some Z-list celebrity and wear effective sunglasses when there is a sharp contrast in light.
We may not have reached the temperatures of more southerly parts of Britain recently, but it has been nice to have the windows open again, and even the air-con on, though I wouldn't necessarily agree with some of my pupils complaining that it has been 'roastin''.
 Just typical! A while back I treated myself to a decent camera after being frustrated with seeing fantastic scenes and only having the pathetic camera on my phone with me. The other morning I awoke to see some very weird and wonderful cloudscapes but, annoyingly, I had left my camera in the car, so the photo (taken with my phone) doesn't do justice to that amazing sky.
While I'm still on the subject of the weather, anyone who has passed their test this year and still not taken the Pass Plus course may want to consider doing so over the next few months. The weather will deteriorate and taking the course will give you more knowledge and confidence if you have to drive in the snow and ice. And it's not just about driving in bad weather; we'll look at night driving, dual carriageways, motorways, rural roads and typical features of town and city roads (such as roundabouts), then you can focus on whatever aspect you feel least confident on.
Also, the Highland Council have recently increased their grant for anyone wishing to take the course so it may be that taking the course will not cost you a penny. There is no test involved and many insurers offer discounts to drivers who have taken the course. You don't even have to have had lessons with me - it could be that your driving instructor wasn't qualified to conduct the Pass Plus course. Call me on 07577 718727 if you are interested.
Finally, Blogger.com, who host this site, have been tinkering with the format and suggested I try out their new interface. I'll give it a try but I'm not too sure. Let me know what you think. Stick with it or go back to the old format? 

It never rains......

Loopallu has been and gone, more of my lessons include the use of headlights and X Factor and  Strictly... are beginning to dominate the television schedules. These are the modern indicators of Autumn; it would be impossible to tell from the weather because it is just as wet and windy as the Summer.
I feel sorry for the tourists this year - they have not seen the Highlands at its finest. In Ullapool this morning the weather was atrocious and tourists sat huddled in hotels and cafes wondering why they decided to come here in the first place. It is bin day in Ullapool and the empty wheelie-bins being blown over only added to the miserable scene. But never mind the tourists, I have my pupils to think about.
Unusually, I only have one pupil on test today (lots of pupils waiting for tests though). If you read my previous post, you may remember that I tempted fate by saying I was 99.9999% sure he would pass. As his test began the weather was worsening. It was bad enough in the relative shelter of Ullapool, but, as they drove out to Ardmair bay, the mass of rain in the wind made for awful driving conditions. So, extra credit to Alexander O'Neil (no, not that one - much to my wife's disappointment) for passing with 3 driving faults. And extra relief for me because I was beginning to regret my last post.
Not much else to report at the moment. I had a quick check on my stats for this blog and for my 'professional' website. I have bored you with this before, but it is sometimes puzzling what search terms people use to find my sites. After mentioning Jedward in a previous post I received dozens of hits from people searching for talentless twosome. Inshes roundabout always generates lots of views, it is obviously of concern to Inverness drivers (and not just learners). Someone had come to my blog after searching for 'L1pps on plenty of fish' ????? No, I have no idea what they were really after. Someone from Russia decided my blog was THE place to read about 'розовая машина' (I wish I knew). And, most bizarrely, yesterday someone clicked on this blog after Googling 'dogging grantown tonight'. I'm not sure whether I am relieved or disappointed that I was 29th in the list of results. But dogging in Grantown? Haven't they seen the weather out there?!

A new term

It feels a little like a new term here on Planet Farle. Over the last 9 days I have had 9 pupils taking their final exams, just as a sudden influx of new pupils begin their studies.
I've already mentioned Holly's test and the less successful test the same day. I have already decided that I will no longer be giving that pupil lessons. Her attitude stinks; no-one is entitled to a driving licence, you have to earn it. Losing her business is a small price to pay. Another instructor can have the aggravation if she decides to continue driving. Rant over.
The following day started with another unsuccessful test. The difference being that, this time, the pupil did deserve her licence, based on her driving ability and her attitude to her training. After starting her lessons in Ullapool, they moved to Inverness and, when we both agreed the time was right, they booked their test. Having a mathematical inclination, they are a bit of a perfectionist. No bad thing, in fact, it's quite refreshing for me to have a pupil who will not accept 'good driving', they want to be a 'perfect driver'. So, when they started their test and got asked to complete a reverse park into a parking bay, they decided that the first attempt wasn't good enough (it was in the bay) and pulled forward to perfect it - 1 driving fault. And that was their only driving fault. Unfortunately, they picked up one serious fault - As they were preparing to stop at a traffic light controlled T-Junction the lights changed to green. So they released the brake and was just about to accelerate when they hesitated because the approaching traffic in the new road were still slowing down (not yet stopped). Of course, the vehicles behind would have expected them to go and would have had to brake because of their hesitation. The examiner was almost apologetic and suggested that it probably only have been a driver fault if there had been no vehicles behind. Next time, no problem.
Day three and another pupil taking their test for the first time. At least, their first British test, and their first manual test. Jennifer had already passed her test in an automatic car, in her native Canada. Then, earlier this year, she moved to Nairn to be with her boyfriend and he has a manual Mini. It's often interesting giving lessons to someone who can already drive. She picked up the clutch and gears very quickly but it was the roundabouts that challenged her - "Why don't they just have traffic lights?" was her view - particularly the spiral roundabouts. But we conquered them in our lessons and she breezed through her test with just three driver faults, and one of those was for the vehicle checks ("He asked me how I check the engine oil level; I heard the word 'engine' and just thought 'engine coolant'. He suggested it was not a good idea to put engine oil in the radiator.").
Congratulations also to Hazel for passing her test, again at the first attempt, on the same day. Have a great time in Australia.
Day four and it was over to Elgin for Laura's next attempt. A thoroughly miserable day, with lashing rain punctuated by bright sunshine, making for quite challenging driving conditions.Laura had come so close on her previous attempt and I have rarely seen anyone less upset at failing their test. When I asked why, she replied that 'she knew that she can drive and would definitely pass next time'. And so it proved, as she passed easily with four driver faults.
Day five was not the most straightforward. My pupil had an 8.40am test in Inverness and we had arranged for me to pick her up from Nairn at 7.30am, enjoy an easy 25 minute drive into Inverness, then spend half an hour going over anything she wanted reassurance on before her test. As I pulled up at her house she came out and told me that she could not find the paper part of her licence. I always remind my pupils, in plenty of time, to make sure they both parts of their licence ready the night before. 
"Don't panic. You must have had it for your theory test. We have plenty of time. I'll wait here while you find it."
I waited. And waited. She came back out to tell me she still couldn't find it.
"You need it. It will be somewhere. We're still ok for time. You just need to think where it could be."
The clock ticked on. I listened to the eight o'clock news, then the sport. It got to 8.10am and, with a 25 minute drive to the test centre we had run out of time. I would have to knock on the door and tell her she would have to re-book for another day. Just at that moment she came running out, clutching both parts of her licence. I didn't want to panic her, so I let her drive and would consider calling the test centre if it looked like we weren't going to make it. Luckily her driving is fine, so I can concentrate on the clock. 8.30am now and we still have a few miles to go.
We get there with 2 minutes to spare - deep sigh of relief - and she reverses into one of the DSA bays. One good thing about not arriving too early for a test is that we don't have to wait too long, letting the anxiety build, before the examiner arrives. Anyway, off she goes and I sit there wondering whether the frantic nature of the last hour will affect her.
It didn't. At least, not enough to put her off her driving. She passes with five driver faults but is still too wound up by her morning to completely enjoy the experience of passing her driving test. But well done Kim. I look forward to seeing you for the Pass Plus course (and you will need your licence for that too, so keep it safe).
Day six and yet another first attempt. Unfortunately, she stalled at a set of traffic lights ("You never stall!" was my reaction) and, after re-starting, did not check that the lights were still green before attempting to move away. One of those mistakes that you only make once.
 The week was completed when Louise passed her test, first time, on my seventh consecutive day of tests (not counting the weekend), making it 6 (including 5 first-time) passes out of 9. Her driving was helped by the fact that she lives in the midst of a narrow one-way system then has to negotiate Inverness' nastiest roundabouts within minutes of leaving her house. Having being forced to cope regularly with that, I hope she found the test comparatively easy.
Only one more test on the immediate horizon - I shouldn't tempt fate, but it is one I'm 99.9999% confident about - then a bit of a break before a bunch of tests next month. What is the collective noun for driving tests? A Panic of tests? A Perspiration of tests? A Tremble of tests?
Meanwhile, a clutch (or is it a 'nervousness' or an 'excitement') of new pupils are just starting, or about to start. Hopefully, they will all be like Holly, Jennifer, Hazel, Laura, Kim and Louise in attitude, and a LOT, LOT less like the woman who threw a hissy fit because her examiner dared to fail her.

A piece of cake

A busy day today, but I have half an hour now before my next lesson. But the day began with two tests; one in Elgin, one in Inverness. The words ‘chalk’ and ‘cheese’ spring to mind.
My first test was at 8.40am in Elgin, so it was an early start. I have been getting increasingly casual about what I eat during the day; ‘lazy’ is perhaps more honest. Rather than preparing a balanced lunch, I have been going to cafés or grabbing supermarket sandwiches. It’s not so much the calorific content, but if you add up how much it all costs over a week/month it is rather worrying. So, last night, I had good intentions. I decided I would, in the morning, prepare myself a lunch to enjoy whilst my Inverness pupil was on test (assuming she did not want me to sit in on her test - I don’t think it would have created the proper professional impression). But I forgot and, just as I was dashing out the door, I remembered and grabbed a big slab of fruitcake that Irene, our next-door neighbour, had kindly baked for us.
My first pupil began lessons with me after I had started teaching her son. Her son was not the most natural driver I have ever seen, but he was very dedicated and always determined to improve. He passed his test a few months ago with barely any driver faults and she is very proud of the way he drives.
 The mum, however, is….. ‘inconsistent’. Perhaps, deep down, I knew she wasn’t ready. I have mentioned her before and moaned about how she constantly said ‘Well, that’s not what my last instructor told me.’ She would drive along, painfully slowly; the reason being because she was spending more time continually checking her mirrors rather than reading the road ahead.
“Why are you checking your mirrors so much?” I asked.
“Because my last instructor told me to.”
“But WHY should you check your mirrors?”
“I don’t know.”
That was a typical exchange. We had another one the other day: I asked her to pull over because her pedal control did not seem as good as usual…
“Try moving your seat back a notch or two.”
“Why? What am I doing wrong? (Very defensive)
“Nothing, but I think we can improve your control. You seem to be hesitant in bring the clutch up and a bit sharp on the brakes.”
“Well my last instructor never told me that.”
She was full of things that a previous instructor had told her to do, but with no understanding of ‘why’. She works several miles from home and has to rely on public transport. With a reduction on bus services she decided that she had to pass her test, so she went ahead and booked it. I know, I know, I know…. It should be me who decides when she takes her test. I know. But I sympathised with her transport problem and perhaps my ego thought I could get her to a good standard in time. My ego was wrong.
Her test wasn’t good. When she relaxes she can drive well, but as soon as something goes wrong it dominates her thoughts and her concentration goes. Whether it was the pressure she put herself under of having to pass, or whether she made an early mistake I don’t know, but it was probably the least successful test I have had in years.
The examiner was honest in their assessment of her driving, but not rude. I didn’t catch all of the conversation but my pupil had obviously tried to argue her way to a pass. Now let’s make this clear: The examiners do not want to fail you. If, in those 40 minutes, you can convince them that you are safe, in control, are considerate of other road users and have a degree of confidence then you will pass. Once you have passed your test you will be in solo control of a potentially lethal weapon. The examiners will not change their mind and pass you just because you ‘need’ your licence.
Your driving instructor is the best judge of when you are ready for your test, not you, not your husband, wife, mum, dad, boyfriend, girlfriend or even the man in your road who used to be a driving instructor. But whatever your instructor thinks, it is the examiner you need to convince, and you do that by driving well in your test.
I had no time to dwell on the matter, or even arrange her next lesson; I had another test to get to, 40 miles away in Inverness.
Over the rest of the day, the pupil who had just failed sent me a succession of texts, all moaning about how unfair the examiner had been and asking if there was a form that she could fill in to complain about the examiner. I answered her first text, initially apologising that it had not gone to plan (after all, it was partly my fault for letting her take her test) and explaining that the examiners need to ensure that new drivers are safe drivers. But I advised against complaining about the examiner. But after that first text I didn’t bother replying to the others.
This next pupil, as I suggested earlier, could not have been more different. She undertook a fairly concentrated course of 25 hours of lessons, but went out driving regularly with her dad. Whenever I felt there was something she could work on she would ask me to write it down and she would go away and work on it (if we had not completely fixed it in her lessons). So I was as relaxed as I could be when she set off on her test.
Disaster though! I had left my chunk of Irene’s fruitcake in the boot of my car!
Meanwhile, another deluded text from my first pupil came through, still ranting about the examiner and now turning her attack on me. She said that “…doesnt say much for you because (the examiner) made it clear I wasting money and everybodys time!”
My initial reaction was to text back and remind her how well I had taught her son and perhaps the best thing she could do was to spend time in the car with him, watching how he drives. But, it would have been a waste of a text. And sometimes I can be a nice person, so I decided not to aggravate her already bad day.
My pupil returned from her test, passing well with just two driver faults - a fantastic result. Holly and her dad, who was waiting, were thrilled. I was equally pleased, especially as I could now, finally, have my cake and eat it.

Lost and found

Is it better to be self-employed or employed? Personally, I prefer being my own boss, but there is definitely something to be said for turning up for work at a certain time, going home at a certain time, being paid at the end of the month and also being paid for time off through illness or injury.
Possibly the biggest challenge in being self-employed is continually chasing new business. It was easy when I had my pubs; customers walked in the door, spent money and staggered out. Every day. We worked hard to make the pubs welcoming, ensure the beer and food were of the best quality and make people want to come and spend money with us. But we didn't have to advertise or wonder who our next customer would be.
Being a driving instructor, I have to look after my pupils/customers as best I can while I have them, but I know that, one day, they will pass their test and I will no longer have their custom. Sometimes, especially when I have several pupils pass in a short time, I get people commenting that 'it is bad for business'. Well, yes, it means that (unless they take the Pass Plus course) someone passing their test means no more income from that person. However, by the time we decide they are ready for their test, they are good enough to be driving on their own. So if they don't pass, they rarely have many more lessons; just a lesson or two to work on their weakness and few 'refreshers'. In fact, I think a pupil passing their test will actually generate business, through word of mouth.
But sometimes we lose pupils for other reasons. If I look at my list of pupils from 2011 alone, I have lost pupils because they have moved away, gone to university, lost their job, are spending time travelling, have run out of money or have broken bones in a motorbike accident. But there are one or two pupils who just seem to have 'disappeared'. When my diary is really busy, it is tempting to forget about them and concentrate on those who do seem to want lessons. But there will be times when my diary isn't so busy and I don't want to regret losing any pupil through not bothering to contact them.
This morning I was reading another instructor's blog, and he was talking about losing a pupil because he had not contacted her for four weeks because he did not want her to think he was stalking her. I sympathise. I usually try to contact all pupils on my books at least once a week, but there is always the nagging feeling that the ones that don't reply might think I am harassing them. Once someone has started a course of lessons I presume they want to continue until they have passed their test, but some pupils don't seem to think like that. While I was still with BSM they provided me with a new pupil (it was a rare moment). I looked at the name and thought 'Where do I know him from?'. It turned out he had started lessons with me several years earlier, taken a break, gone to university, then decided he wanted to resume lessons. He had some lessons, went back to university, had some more lessons several months later, went back to university, went abroad, had some more lessons etc. Each time I saw him I began to think 'I wonder how long he will have lessons this time?'. Finally, early last year, he sat and passed his test, nearly four years since his first lesson with me.
And he is by no means an exception. Even last night, I had a lesson with someone who has not had lessons for over five months. I have no idea why she took a break, especially when she still had three lessons still in credit with me.
With numerous pupils taking their test over the next few weeks, I am looking at my diary and wondering 'What happens then?' But I often do this. It is tempting to consider advertising, anything to feel that I am doing something positive about keeping my diary full. The thing about this job is that sometimes I can go a few weeks without any new enquiries, then, strangely, I can get several new pupils within one day, even within a couple of hours.
I sometimes hear of instructors who have a 'waiting list' of people who want to take lessons but can't immediately be accommodated. A nice position to be in (for the instructor), but it has not happened to me. Maybe tomorrow.

(Edit: Within two hours of writing this post I had two brand new pupils booking a block of ten lessons. I should write something similar every week.)

Putting the theory into practice

When I was a teenager riots had proper soundtracks (Ghost Town by the Specials, as opposed to Nero, or whatever was No.1 at the time), the most sophisticated piece of mobile technology was the Sony Walkman and there was no theory test.
Instead, the examiner would, at the end of the driving test, ask a few questions about the Highway Code. I have no idea how this worked. If you had driven badly were you saved by knowing your road signs? And, if you had driven perfectly, could you still fail if you didn’t know what shape the sign for a roundabout was?
I can’t remember if I have written about this before but, at the end of my driving test I was so convinced I had failed (because I had stalled three times) that I didn’t see the point of the examiner asking me the Highway Code questions. Couldn’t he just get on with it and put me out of my misery? As he turned out, he must have been satisfied with my driving because I don’t think I convinced with my answers to the questions. I vividly remember the last question:
Examiner: “When should you check your mirrors?”
Me: “Um…..” (I had no idea) “Um…..” (I’ll take a guess) “…Every ten seconds.”
Examiner: (Sits there looking at his watch for ten seconds) “That’s quite a long time.”
Me: “Oh…..um…. Every five seconds?”
Examiner: (Looks at his watch for five seconds - it still seemed a long time)
Me: Um… quite often.
I didn’t know whether “quite often” was the precise answer he was looking for, but a few seconds later he was telling me I had passed.

So we had it easy compared to anyone who has had to go through the stress of sitting the Theory Test. These days they are expected to know how many centimetres to compress the chest when trying to resuscitate the victim of a traffic accident (4 -5 cm) and how many compressions per minute (100). They are expected to know where to send their appeal if they think their driving test was conducted unfairly. And they are expected to know exactly what to do if, while driving through a tunnel, they realised their vehicle was on fire. Admittedly, it is quite important that you do DO SOMETHING if your vehicle is a 60mph fireball underground and there are no Fire Stations handy, but I doubt that many people have their plan all worked out in advance.
Although it doesn’t cause as much nervousness as the driving part, I have had many pupils who have been very anxious about the theory test.  I guess this is mainly because tests/exams in general tend to make people nervous, but it could be partly because this is the hurdle they need to overcome before they can apply for their test. I have had quite a spate of pupils taking their theory recently. I saw one of my pupils, Seumas, on Facebook, saying that he was nervous about his theory test the next day. One of my former pupils, Andy, gave him some valuable advice about driving 'Make sure you always drive on the left'. (Although I may sometimes be a bit of a pedant, I did restrain myself from pointing out that this does not necessarily always apply). But maybe Andy's advice helped because Seumas passed the next day. Congratulations also to Emma, Jorine, Judith, Julie, Karen and Lawrence on passing within the last week.

The second part of the Theory Test is Hazard Perception. I have to confess, I thought this was a bit of a gimmick when they first introduced it, I don't anymore. To a brand new learner driver, the idea that cars could pull out in front of you, oncoming vehicles could stray onto your side of the road, pedestrians could walk out in front of you and cars could stop dead in front of you with no warning, it all seems a bit far-fetched and exaggerated. This week, in particular, we have seen pedestrians and drivers doing such STUPID things, that I am wondering whether they have been filming a whole new batch of hazard perception clips here.
This morning, Jorine, was driving along Shore St, by Ullapool harbour, and ahead of us, we could see five people having a nice chat IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROSSROADS. I asked her to check her mirror and gradually slow the car as we approached. That would give them time to realise that perhaps they should move. She brought her speed down nice and slow, 2nd gear.....1st gear.... clutch down..... holding the brakes..... still no recognition from the people in the road (it must have been a fascinating conversation they were having).
"Should I toot the horn?" She asked.
"Yes, possibly, but just give them a few seconds." I was sure they would finally realise that they should move.
After another five seconds, with a car approaching us from behind, my patience evaporated and I gave sharp toot on the horn, They just stood there looking at us before finally moving to the pavement.
And it has been like that all week! Twice I have cars approaching us on our side of the road. The first one was (almost) understandable - some Italian tourists turned right out of a petrol station towards us, but forgot that they should be driving on the left (they obviously hadn't see Andy's advice on Facebook). The second car, some Dutch tourists, were heading towards us on the wrong side of a long, straight road - with no junctions for some time previous, it is scary to wonder how long they had been driving like that.
On Wednesday, just as my pupil was about to turn in to Ullapool 'test centre' for her driving test, another Dutch car approached a 'Give way' on our left. The driver saw us (we were maybe three car lengths from the junction) and STILL pulled out in front of us! At least it gave my pupil a chance to practice her emergency stop before the test.
The worse one was on the same road as the chatting pedestrians. My pupil was approaching the Ullapool - Stornaway ferry terminal. Cars waiting to board/exit the ferry have to give way at a crossroads, but usually a policeman directs traffic. As we approached the policeman was giving us a hand signal to stop. We were still a short distance away, so my pupil was just slowing down to a comfortable slow jogging speed. The policeman then clearly gave a 'stop' signal to the cars waiting to board the ferry and waved us on. Just as my pupil went back on the accelerator a (British) car, waiting to board the ferry, ignored the policeman and the 'give way' line and tried to quickly pull out in front of us. Yet another impromptu emergency stop! The policeman yelled at the other car, complimented my pupil on her stop, then returned to the other driver to give him a bollocking. I like a bit of excitement every now and then, but, this week, I think I have had too much.

And all that was before the tests!
Wednesday saw the return of driving tests to Ullapool after, for some reason, having a break in July. It is disappointing that they had only scheduled six tests for the day. Government cut-backs are obviously now extending to DSA examiner overtime. Anyway, I had four pupils on test and, with an extra month to polish their driving to super-shiny perfection, I was very confident in them all passing.
Congratulations to Kyle Menzies on passing, first time, with four driving faults. He had the 8.40am test and asked if I could sit in 'just in case it goes wrong'. Being a slightly damp, very still morning, there were quite a few midges about and, as we all got in the car, about 28 midges joined us. When I accompany a pupil on test I have to sit quiet in the back and not do anything that could be construed as help. But when midges are buzzing around your face, it is very difficult to remain completely still.

13 of the midges remainined in the car by the time Eilidh's MacFarlane's began her test. But I had got used to their company by then, so I did not mind when she also asked me to sit in on her test. A wee bit wizzy round some of the twisting turns on the Ardmair road, but not wizzy enough to worry the examiner, who passed her with just three driving faults. Very well deserved Eilidh. I know how disappointed you were not to pass last time, but I hope you now think it has all been worth it.

Alas, my third pupil did not pass. She will not get another chance for a while as she is returning to university, but I hope she re-books for her next holidays. You were very close yesterday...... Next time.

I have been teaching two sisters from Achiltibuie for the last few months, one in Ullapool and the other in Inverness. There had been some friendly rivalry to see who would pass first. Yesterday it was Tricia MacLennan, who beat her sister to a full licence. Despite your apparent conviction that you wouldn't pass (you are just like your sister), you proved yourself wrong and passed first time. So very well-done Tricia.

To all of you who passed yesterday, don't forget, drive on the left.