My grandchildren are more intelligent than the driver behind me.

What does this big, red 'L' sign mean? Tough question, I know, but I'll give you a clue: You see it on cars being driven by Learner drivers.
Are you still not sure? Is the question too tough for you? Then you are probably one of those drivers who drive within millimetres of the back of my car (and probably every other car).
Ok, so you found the first question a bit too difficult. Try this one: What is a learner driver?
a) Someone who is experienced at driving and, realising that you are way too close, will bring their speed down so that they will not have to brake hard if anything unexpected happens ahead.
b) Someone who is inexperienced at driving and, although very nervous (and distracted) because you are way too close, may still brake hard if anything unexpected happens ahead. Therefore giving you no time to react and avoid crashing into the back of us.
I'm sorry. Silly me. I forgot you (think you) are the world's best driver and will never crash.
Let me give you a free driving lesson: If the vehicle ahead of you is going slower than you would like to go then, by all means, consider overtaking. But, in order to make overtaking easier, stay 2 (or more) seconds back from the vehicle ahead. This gives you a better view of the road ahead (thus avoiding bending your neck at strange angles), it gives you a short distance to begin your acceleration when you want to overtake. And it also gives you time to change your mind if the situation changes. If you keep a safe distance from us and overtake when it is safe to do so, then I promise my pupil and I will not speculate on what inadequacies you have that you are trying to overcompensate with your driving prowess.
I should be used to it by now, but it still stuns me how close following vehicles get to a car that is clearly being driven by someone who is inexperienced at driving. If you get too close to us - perhaps in an attempt to make us speed up - my pupils will demonstrate their superior intellect by bringing their speed DOWN to reduce the chance of an accident. I have joked about wanting a 2 metre wide, flashing neon 'L' plate, but I don't think even that would make any difference to some drivers.

Congratulations to Fiona on passing her test in Inverness this morning. Very well deserved. Just carry on driving exactly the way you do.

Jane and I enjoyed the company of my mother and Peter this weekend, flying up from Bedfordshire. It is always a mini-challenge we set ourselves to try and come up with something new for them to see or do when they visit. But, this time they had it all organised and knew where they wanted to go in advance. It was very nice to be treated to an exceptional meal at Franklin's restaurant, at the Cluny Bank Hotel in Forres last night. But, for me, the highlight of the weekend was Sutor Creek cafe in Cromarty. Delicious potted duck, the freshest mussels imaginable, the best pizza I have tasted outside of Italy, very good wine wine, great coffee and friendly service. It's a two hour round trip for us, but it was so good that we will definitely find excuses to go there frequently.

I have had a few problems with my phone recently. It's a fairly basic Nokia smartphone, but it was all I needed. However, it crashed a few times and I finally lost my patience with it. Consequently, I treated myself to a Samsung galaxy S2, which is just jaw-droppingly good. Initially, it was like some mysterious alien being, which I could only look at from a safe distance and guess what it did. Then my grandchildren came around and, within minutes were watching videos and tv programs, tinkering with the layout, playing games on it and asking to download apps. Now I have gone from someone who, 7 years ago, didn't even want a mobile phone, to one of those bores who can't do a thing without one.
What I really need to do is to work out a way to keep idiotic drivers a sensible distance behind my car - I wonder if there's an app for that?

The return of the Magnificent

Yuck, yuck and triple yuck.
Ullapool has so much going for it but, as previous posts have described, it has no driving test centre. Not such a big deal during the Summer, but, frankly, a bit of a pain when the weather deteriorates.
Just before the driving test starts, the examiner will ask the candidate if they would like their instructor to accompany them during the test. I genuinely don't mind either way. If a pupil wants me to sit in the back of the car for the test that's fine with me (although I cannot say or do anything). Equally, if they prefer not to have me in the car then that's fine too. If I have a pupil on test in Inverness, Alness or Elgin I can wait in the test centre, read, chat with other instructors, catch up on paperwork, arrange lessons. In Ullapool and Gairloch I have to find another way of killing time while I wait for my pupil to return.
Last Tuesday in Ullapool the weather was as filthy as it gets. The normally placid Loch Broom had been whipped into churning black waves with foaming white horses. Any pedestrians brave/stupid enough to be outside had their hoods up and heads down, and scurried across roads with scant regard for approaching traffic. Ullapool was bad enough, but driving over to Ardmair, several of my pupils had their first experience of having to control a car that is being thrown around by the wind and rain.
So, with four of my pupils taking their test the following day, it was an huge relief, on Wednesday morning, to find that the weather had calmed (slightly). It's the little things that can make a difference and even something such as having to vary the windscreen wiper speed can distract a learner driver from more important aspects of their control. Meanwhile, I am very grateful that I had thought to bring my Keela waterproof - not the most stylish, but always bone dry and great protection from the weather, even on an Ullapool test day.
Nothing distracted Seumas. This was his first attempt and, taking the test in his own car, only recorded two driver faults on his way to passing.
Jorine had the next test, at 9.37am. Jorine had not been with me for long, but had had quite a concentrated course, sometimes taking 4 - 6 hours lessons a week. A little bit of pressure because she was intending to return to the Netherlands for a few months in November, meaning that, if unsuccessful, she may have had to wait until next Spring to try again. Fortunately we had no worries and she passed well with just three driver faults. Gelukwensen Jorine.
A previous pupil had recommended me to Alana, who lives right up in Thurso. I know it's stupid, but I always feel a bit more pressure when they have come a long way. A few months ago I had a pupil come up from Glasgow for an intensive course - it was a very big relief when she passed because I dreaded her going all the way home with the thought of having to take her test again. Anyway, Alana spared us any such concerns when she also passed with just two driver faults and went all the way back to Thurso feeling very pleased with herself.
Three out of three, so far. Could we make it four out of four for the day? My 1.33pm test pupil was on her 2nd attempt. She failed her first attempt for being too cautious and hesitant. So recent lessons have concentrated on making her feel more confident at getting the car quickly up to an appropriate speed when it is safe to do so. She asked me to sit in the back for her test and I was very proud of her driving, especially the way she made good progress when it was appropriate. Unfortunately, a slightly rushed manoeuvre meant that her observations were not as good as they should be - one serious fault. But I was very pleased with her driving and I'm confident we'll crack it next time.
So, 3 out of 4 passes in Ullapool, but I had one more Ullapool (well, Achiltibuie) pupil on test, in Inverness the next day. Typically, with a warm waiting room at my disposal (and even up-to-date magazines), it was warm enough to wait outside if I wanted. On her last attempt (also in Inverness) she only had one driver fault (for correcting her bay park), but fatally hesitated at a green traffic light (due to oncoming traffic) and picked up a serious fault. Unfortunately, that last test was beginning to play on her mind and the nerves were creeping in. As she drove back into the test centre it was difficult to tell from her face as to how it had gone, so I was very pleased to see the examiner start filling in the blue pass certificate.
"That was the worse I have ever driven." My pupil said.
"Well it can't have been, otherwise you wouldn't have passed." I suggested.
Mairead passed with 5 driver faults - hardly a bad drive - but, admittedly, not as good as her usual standard. Still, a pass is a pass.
Like all my pupils, when they pass I am almost sad to see them go, especially when they have been so dedicated, as Mairead (or 'Magnificent Mairead' according to her email address) had been. Still, I can now look forward to seeing how Seumas and Mairead's driving develops when I see them for their Pass Plus course in a month or two.

Meanwhile, a couple of amusing items:

If Carlsberg ran driving test centres.....

Picture the scene; four ageing driving instructors are sat in Inverness driving test centre. The year is 2041 and driving test centres have changed. The four instructors sit in plush, comfy chairs with their feet immersed in basins while Hepatitis-free fish give them pedicures. Waiting staff bring them a choice of drinks and a selection of tasty food on demand. The sweet vintage sounds of The Pixies, White Stripes, The Clash et al play on the MP7 player, while a 2 metre 3D television plays sport, comedy or films of their choice.


1st Instructor: "Ahh... Very passable this, very passable."
2nd Instructor: "Nothing like a good cup of cappuccino, eh?"
3rd Instructor: "You're right there."
4th Instructor: "Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking the finest Italian cappuccino?"
1st Instructor: "Aye. In them days we'd a' been glad to have instant coffee from a vending machine."
2nd Instructor: "A cup of cold  coffee."
3rd Instructor: "Without milk or sugar."
4th instructor: "Or coffee!"
1st Instructor: "In a filthy, plastic cup."
2nd Instructor: "We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up What Car magazine."
3rd Instructor: "The best WE could manage was to suck the coffee granules that were stuck to the spoon."
4th Instructor: "But you know, we were happy in those days, though the DSA were poor."
1st Instructor: "BECAUSE they were poor. Old David Cameron used to say to us, "Money doesn't buy you happiness. We need to make more cuts."
2nd Instructor: 'E was right. I was happier then and the DSA had NOTHIN'. This test centre used to be a dreary, overheated room with blue, metal chairs and a bathroom where the light only came on when you were leaving."
3rd Instructor: "Bathroom? You were lucky to have a BATHROOM! At Elgin test centre we used to have a tiny, dark room, with no vending machine, just a kettle. And you had to walk next door to the Community Centre if you needed the bathroom."
4th Instructor: You were LUCKY to have a Community Centre. At Grantown test centre there was no room, no bathroom and nowhere nearby if you needed the toilet; you would have to find a plastic bottle."
1st Instructor: "Ohh, we used to DREAM of finding a plastic bottle. At Gailoch test centre, if you needed the toilet, the only way you could get privacy was to wander into a field and squat down in the middle of a flock of sheep. Bathroom? Hhmmph!"
2nd Instructor: "Well, when I say a 'bathroom' it was only an adjoining wall of a building people referred to as the 'test centre', but it were a test centre to us."
3rd instructor: "We were evicted from our test centre. In Ullapool, we had to meet at the Pottery Centre car park, then stand around in the rain, snow and gales, peering through the window, pretending to be interested in pottery for 45 minutes."
4th Instructor: "You were lucky to have a car park! In Gairloch we had to park up on a narrow country lane, stand there in the howling Atlantic weather because the cafe was shut. Then, when you were just about to die from frostbite, you would have to wait even longer because your pupil's test had been held up by a farmer herding his sheep through the village."
1st Instructor: "Frostbite you say?"
4th Instructor: "Aye."
1st Instructor: "You were lucky. At Alness test centre we would have dreamed of dying from frostbite. The few magazines left scattered on the table were so old that you died of boredom before your pupil returned from their test."
2nd Instructor: "Well we had it tough. At Elgin test centre we had to arrive 4 hours early, carry the examiner on our shoulders to the car. Then, if the pupil failed their test, the examiner would leap out of the car and slice us in two with a bread knife."
3rd Instructor: "RIGHT. At Ullapool test centre, we had to arrive 2 days early, walk in front of the examiner, licking the ground clean for him as he walked towards the car. Stand in a blizzard for 3 weeks because our pupil had got buried in a snow drift Then, when the examiner failed the pupil, he would kill us both and dance around on our graves singing "Hallelujah!"
4th Instructor: "But you try and tell the young instructors today that and they won't believe ya."

Your (not so) flexible friend

In many ways, I am lucky. I don't really have anything I have to commit to on a regular basis. Consequently, I can be very flexible when arranging lessons. Like everyone, I do enjoy my time off, but I don't fix those times. Earlier this year I had a pupil who wanted a two-hour lesson in Alness before their 8.40am test. And a few years ago I had a pupil who desperately wanted a lesson the day before her test, but I was fully-booked, so I agreed to a lesson at 10.00pm. Neither caused me any real problem and were justified by both pupils passing.
But this afternoon I had a telephone enquiry which tested my flexibility: A man called asking if he could begin lessons with me this week.
"Of course.." I replied "what day were you thinking of?"
"Tomorrow at 2.30."
"I'm fully-booked, I'm afraid. In fact, I'm fully-booked until Saturday; would that suit you?"
"Oh........Ok. And you can do every day at 2.30 after that?"
"I will have to check my diary", I said, knowing that I have some pupils who are booked around that time several weeks in advance. "I may be able to do some days at that time, but I have some other customers who have already booked that time."
(Silence......)  "And how much do you charge?"
I wasn't going to mess around and told him my full hourly-rate with no mention of block-booking or student discounts.
(another pause...) "But I can't start tomorrow?"
"I'm afraid not."
"Ok. I have to go now but I will call you in an hour."
'I doubt it very much' I thought. As expected, several hours later, he has not called back.
So, whoever you are, good luck with your driving lessons. I hope you find an instructor that can accommodate you. Having said that, would you want an instructor who had that much availability at such short notice? It would be a bit like going to a restaurant in a busy area on a Saturday night and being offered any table you like.

Ticklish noses and wobbly legs

I have just stopped for lunch at one of Ullapool's finest eateries and, as I strode purposefully into the building, I realised that I was walking like someone who has had an 'accident'. 'What's wrong with my legs?' I thought, as I found a nearby table (to save me walking further).

Yesterday, Jane and I had taken advantage of the improved weather - there had even been some snow on the highest mountains a few days earlier -  to ride the ponies in Culbin Forest, a mile north of our house. Jane has two ponies; Dave, an Arab, and Lachie, a Highland. Lachie, although slightly smaller, is much more strong-boned and sturdy, so he gets lumbered with me. Difficult to tell from this photo whether he likes me tickling his nose or not.
Jane has been riding all her life, so she knows what she is doing. Even so, she still likes to take lessons every now and then because she always feels that there is room for improvement. I'm nowhere near Jane's standard. Until recently, I considered it an achievement if I could complete a ride without falling off and with the horse/pony going vaguely where I wanted it to. At first I struggled to understand why it mattered whether my feet pointed up or down, and my use of the reins was basic to say the least. But gradually I am beginning to appreciate what subtle leg movements do, and how to co-ordinate my whole body to guide Lachie where I want him to go.
Driving is similar in many respects. The brake and accelerator are much more than 'stop' and 'go'; steering can be improved by 'feeling' the wheels holding the road. Continuous work on this 'feel' for the controls will improve your driving and free your brain to concentrate on the road ahead (hazard perception).

Just as Raphael Nadal strives to improve his tennis and Jane looks to better her riding, I am always trying to make my own driving just that bit better. This attitude works for Sebastian Vettel, so it should work for my pupils and me.One thing about driving though.... After a two hour drive, you do not waddle like a duck the next day.

Blinded by the light

I'm not a sunglasses person. I feel stupid trying them on in front of those greased up mirrors on the display rack and I never seem to find any that are in any way flattering. And if I do they will certainly be some stupid price. So those deepening lines around my eyes are caused by years of squinting. When driving, however, I don't care how ridiculous I look, I just buy a cheap pair of sunglasses that will eliminate most of the glare and keep them in my car. Now whereas most people would associate sunglasses with the 'Summer', when driving, they become more useful as the days get shorter and the sun gets lower. The glare (and danger) is amplified in the mornings/evenings when the road is wet (or icy or snowy) as my 8.00am pupil found out this morning; as she rounded a corner the sudden glare from the sun and the wet road temporarily blinded her and I had to take the wheel to ensure she kept to our side of the road.
As always, when driving, look well ahead and, if you see the road ahead (especially after a bend) is brightly lit, anticipate the effect on your vision the sunlight will have and adjust your speed as appropriate. Better still, ignore the fact that you will look like some Z-list celebrity and wear effective sunglasses when there is a sharp contrast in light.
We may not have reached the temperatures of more southerly parts of Britain recently, but it has been nice to have the windows open again, and even the air-con on, though I wouldn't necessarily agree with some of my pupils complaining that it has been 'roastin''.
 Just typical! A while back I treated myself to a decent camera after being frustrated with seeing fantastic scenes and only having the pathetic camera on my phone with me. The other morning I awoke to see some very weird and wonderful cloudscapes but, annoyingly, I had left my camera in the car, so the photo (taken with my phone) doesn't do justice to that amazing sky.
While I'm still on the subject of the weather, anyone who has passed their test this year and still not taken the Pass Plus course may want to consider doing so over the next few months. The weather will deteriorate and taking the course will give you more knowledge and confidence if you have to drive in the snow and ice. And it's not just about driving in bad weather; we'll look at night driving, dual carriageways, motorways, rural roads and typical features of town and city roads (such as roundabouts), then you can focus on whatever aspect you feel least confident on.
Also, the Highland Council have recently increased their grant for anyone wishing to take the course so it may be that taking the course will not cost you a penny. There is no test involved and many insurers offer discounts to drivers who have taken the course. You don't even have to have had lessons with me - it could be that your driving instructor wasn't qualified to conduct the Pass Plus course. Call me on 07577 718727 if you are interested.
Finally, Blogger.com, who host this site, have been tinkering with the format and suggested I try out their new interface. I'll give it a try but I'm not too sure. Let me know what you think. Stick with it or go back to the old format?