Never mind the ballads

Slowly, but surely, everything is getting more bland and sugary. It seems that almost every other song on telly or the radio is a boring ballad. Or else they take a once great song (by The Smiths or Blondie, for example) and water it down to make a 'pleasant' soundtrack to some tv ad. And don't even get me started on The X Factor.... To describe it as 'bland, boring, overblown, commercial crap' would be harsh on all other bland, boring, overblown, commercial crap.
I've written similar stuff before, but finding some old home-compilation cds in a box in the loft the other day, I came across such gems as Magazine's Shot by both sides, and The Slits Typical Girls, amongst others, and it really emphasised how much we need a similar injection of energy into music again. I will be eternally grateful if anyone can point me in the direction of any new music that is at least half as exciting.
Mini-rant over.
Last Thursday brought an end to a good run of driving test passes. I was as confident as it was possible to be that my pupil would pass. Recent lessons have been trying to take his driving to an advanced standard. So I was very surprised when he didn't pass. Whilst driving at 60mph towards Lossiemouth, he was asked to take the next left, but left his signal too late. He was possibly distracted by the car behind, which was too close, but this should have meant all the more reason for signalling early.
Previously, I had had 8 consecutive pupils passing. Last week Jonathan passed in Inverness. Jonathan is a music teacher at Gordonstoun school, but has recently accepted a position on the island of Montserrat, in the West Indies. He had already passed his driving test in an automatic, but the company car he is being offered in his new job is a manual. He had some lessons with J-Drive in Elgin, but, being unable to get a test before his flight, had no choice but to take his test in Inverness. Many thanks to Jason, from J-Drive, for recommending me to Jonathan (as Jason doesn't cover Inverness). So, a little bit of pressure because he wouldn't have had time for a second attempt before his flight, but he passed well with just three driver faults.
A few days earlier Liam became one of my youngest pupils to pass (also with 3 driver faults), just a few weeks after his 17th birthday. In May this year he had already become the youngest player to make his debut for Inverness Caledonian Thistle, so this capped a very good year for him.
 Saturday I took a whole day off and spent most of it experimenting in the kitchen, trying out different ideas for Christmas dinner. The peanut butter and cherry parfait wasn't too bad, but I have yet to try the potted confit duck and Earl Grey-soaked prunes. If they don't work out we may have to resort to Anna's choice - prawn cocktail.
A bit of a thaw is forecast, which is welcome. Yesterday, snow, ice and temperatures dropping to -8C did nothing to enhance my driving pleasure (although an Iggy Pop cd did). While I'm on the subject of weather, I would like to praise and thank my pupils for their attitude towards their lessons. I have had more test cancellations than lesson cancellations due to the weather. This attitude was typified by Sophie yesterday morning, who made a 3 hour round trip in the snow, from Kinlochbervie, for a one hour lesson.

Finally, I am beginning to wonder if I really exist. I have just spent an hour trying to arrange insurance renewal for Jane's Nissan Navara. Sorting out insurance is not the most exciting pastime - even less so when it is classed as a commercial vehicle. On Direct Line's website it asked for my occupation, then gave me a massive list to choose from (it wouldn't let me type in 'Driving Instructor'). Occupations on this list include Archpriest, Axeman, Bacon Curer, Busker, Embalmer, Foam converter, Lampshade maker, Pearl stringer, Whaler and (honestly) Spiderman! But NO DRIVING INSTRUCTOR!?!? I have seen the damage done to a bus when the bus driver drove into the back of me, so I know I exist, but apparently not where insurance companies are concerned.

I wonder where I apply for the job of Spiderman?

If I were a Jedward

The Sunday Times published its annual rich list last weekend. Suffice to say, I was not in it this year. The 1000th most wealthy person in the UK is estimated to be worth £70M. I will have to give nearly three million lessons to reach this amount. If I do 40 lessons a week, I could make the list in just over seventy thousand weeks, or, if you prefer, sometime in the year 3,384AD. There has been recent news that people will live to a much greater age - possibly as old as several hundred years - but it looks unlikely that I will ever make the Sunday Times rich list.

Perhaps I could increase my lesson prices. If I set myself the slightly more attainable target of being the 1000th richest person in Scotland, I could reach that by retirement age if I raise my lesson prices to about £1,130 per hour. Hmmm, I'm not sure that would be popular with my pupils.
What is a reasonable price for a lesson? I know that I am not the most expensive instructor in my area, but nor am I the cheapest. You will often see instructors or driving schools offering seemingly very cheap lessons, particularly as an introductory offer to new pupils. I can understand that. Effectively it is the bait on the end of the line, with the idea being that, once a pupil has begun lessons, they will stick with that instructor at the full rate after the introductory offer has ended.
This is what the website http://www.drivingtestsuccess.com/ has to say about 'cheap' lessons:

"Don't be fooled by overly cheap driving lessons. Some driving schools may offer cheap introductory offers such as ten hours driving tuition for £50. These prices don't always add up. Remember cheap in, expensive out. They pull you in with a cheap deal but then you find yourself advised to have more tuition, at the standard rate, than you actually need. All driving schools need to make a profit. You won't get something for nothing.

Quality over quantity. 30 hours of lessons at £20 an hour is cheaper than 40 hours of lessons at £17 per hour. As I say driving instructors have to earn a reasonable living, they have to pay the bills. If an instructor told you you needed several more lessons before you were likely to pass your test would you take their advice? You probably would, but what if the real motive was to compensate for the cheap lesson prices?

In order to earn a living instructors who offer overly cheap lessons need to work exceedingly long hours. This means long hours in control of a car, often with little in the way of proper breaks. Is this safe? Does it affect their ability to teach? Do these long hours spent chasing a livable wage mean the ADI can keep up-to-date with all current training standards as set out by the DSA? They also need to reduce their business costs I.E. use less petrol, which means less driving for the learner taking the lesson.

Driving instructors offering cheap lessons do so because they do not have the teaching skills to charge more. They are likely to offer poor teaching standards with little or no knowledge of how to teach to the needs of each learner. Their lessons will be of the 'one size fits all' variety, which is fine if you fit that size perfectly, not so if you are a unique individual. "
(Cut and paste can be very handy at times).

I once had a pupil ask me how some instructors can charge less than half of what most instructors charge. Basically, they are desperate. They are probably not good enough to generate pupils through recommendations and have to resort to drastic undercutting. By the time they have accounted for their fuel, insurance, servicing, depreciation (or leasing costs) and numerous other expenses, they are making nothing. And they are not taking into account the thousands of pounds they spent on their training and exams to become an instructor in the first place. They manage to keep going by making sure the pupil takes far more lessons than they would have if they had gone with a reputable instructor.
But do you really need an instructor in the first place? Possibly not. It is not compulsory (in this country) to have lessons with a qualified instructor before taking your test, and there are people who pass without having any professional lessons. But even this can be a false economy. A few years ago, a friend of my step-daughter had his own car and spent years driving around on a provisional licence, with family or friends alongside him. After five unsuccessful attempts at the driving test (approx' £310 of test fees), he was advised to take lessons. He had five lessons with me (after all, he had been driving for years) and passed on his next attempt (cost of lessons + test = Approx' £180).

But none of this solves my problem of not being in the Sunday Times Rich list. I have discovered that the least money required to make any part of the survey is £2 million. This is the estimated worth of the =19th richest in Ireland, aged 30 and under. Is this some computer whizz-kid? A land-owner? An inventor? Maybe someone who can sing a bit? No. The =19th richest people in Ireland (under the age of 31) are Jedward. Very little to do with their singing ability, but much more to do with their freak factor and stiff hair.

All I have to do then, is make a tool of myself on national television, move to Ireland, ask my step-daughter to do something zany with my hair, find an identical twin and lie about my age. Then, having done that, maybe I too could have a picture of me with Scooby-Doo in the Sunday Times Rich List.









(Sigh) Maybe I'll just stick to instructing and poverty.