The best laid plans....

Just over a month ago I wrote about a pupil, "Zoe", who I had to reluctantly advise not to take her driving test, even though it would be her only chance before her theory test pass expired. This really upset her and she said that she was going to give up driving as she 'obviously was not a natural driver'. I suggested that she took a break from driving for a few weeks to see how she feels but (naturally) I advised her not to give up.
Yesterday was her first lesson after that short break. As I drove to her house I considered how best to proceed with her tuition. Had my fault analysis been good enough before? Because she could drive around Elgin and she could manage all the reversing manoeuvres, I had perhaps been guilty of ignoring the warning signs when things went wrong - only little things, but there was enough there to suggest that she would struggle driving without an instructor beside her. As a result, I had sometimes let mistakes pass with brief on-the-move comments about them, but maybe I should have pulled her over and got to the root of the problem.
So, yesterday, as she went through her cockpit drill, I explained that we were going to make a determined effort to perfect every aspect of her driving - not necessarily starting from scratch, but being more thorough than before. We were not going to jump around doing a few junctions, a parallel park, some rural driving, a turn-in-the-road, some more junctions etc. We were going to do junctions (including roundabouts) until they were perfect. Then, and only then, we would do, for example, parallel parking until it was perfect. If that meant weeks and weeks of junctions then so be it.
Unfortunately, the lesson did not go to plan - but in a good way. Whether it was extra concentration on her part or benefitting from the short break I'm not sure, but she drove around Elgin (almost) faultlessly. However, on the three occasions she did make a fault, I asked her to pull over and we discussed what had gone wrong, the possible consequences of that fault, and how best to fix it.
Who knows, perhaps next week she will have a disastrous lesson, but we are going to stick to our new 'no-nonsence' training programme until she is breathtakingly good at all aspects of her driving and she is bursting to pass her test and get away from me picking her up on every single little imperfection.

Room with a view

It feels quite a while. It’s only been two months, but it seems longer than that since we had any driving tests in Ullapool. Not sure why. December’s tests went ahead as scheduled, but, for some reason, there didn’t seem to be any tests at all in January. Maybe after last winter the DSA thought it best not to risk cancellations due to the weather but, as it turned out, mid-January was fine in Ullapool.

Anyway, I have four pupils taking their test today; two first-timers and two on their second attempt. First up, at 8.40am was Jason. Although he lives in Ullapool, he had his first attempt in Inverness last Summer. On that occasion he gave me the wrong test time and I actually had someone else out on test at a time that clashed with his. My daughter, Rachel, came to the rescue with her boyfriend’s souped-up turbo Astra, which made Jason’s eyes light up at the prospect of driving it, but, of all the things to fail on (considering the power he had beneath his right foot), he failed for hesitation at a roundabout. Since then, he has been working down in Perth and has waited before returning home to take his test. Yesterday he had a two-hour lesson and I made it as tough as possible for him - parallel parking in the busiest road, 3-point turns (sorry, ‘turn-in-the-road’) in a narrow street and every junction from every direction. Hopefully, his test could only be a piece of cake in comparison. It paid off and he has just passed with 3 minors. A very good result (but one minor fault more than he picked up in the whole of yesterday’s lesson).

The 9.37am test was not so successful. She stalled at a crossroads, something she NEVER usually does, and lost confidence after that. I didn’t sit in the back, so I can’t be sure, but sometimes, for some unknown reason, pupils drive differently in tests to how they do in lessons. Who knows. At the moment it’s not too bad, we only have to wait until April for another attempt.

No time to muck about because the next test was at 10.44am. This meant Seonag only had about five minutes to drive round a few junctions and do one parallel park before returning to the test centre. The relative rush didn’t seem to phase her though and she passed well; again with three minor faults.

My last test of the day was another first-timer. Lisa has been very conscientious and, rather than just trying to get through her test in Ullapool, has also taken lessons in (much busier) Inverness. My 2nd floor corner room at the Caledonian Hotel overlooked the village and gave me a great view of many junctions - I felt a bit like Ed Harris' character in The Truman Show. As she drove by I could see the examiner recording a fault, but could not make out whether it was a driver (minor) fault or a serious fault. It must have been one of her six driver faults because she had no serious faults and passed. A good thing too, as she had told everyone when her test was and now she could look forward to breaking the news at The Seaforth Inn.

That was only half the day done as I still had four more lessons in Ullapool. 3 passes out of 4 tests isn’t bad, but I’ll keep trying for that 100% test day. Next month I have potentially eight pupils taking their test on the same day, so 100% then would be fantastic.

The shame

A quick question: Describe the UK highway roadsign for a roundabout.

This week I’ve been in hiding. I haven’t been able to show my face the last few days. In one instant last Thursday night I plummeted from my perch.

There I was, enjoying Bob’s quiz night at The Argyll in Ullapool. It was quite busy for the time of year and there were more teams than usual taking part. Our team, ‘The Devine Comedy’ (a cheesily topical Scottish politics/14th century Italian literature pun) had got off to a bad start, but we were in 2nd place. Smooth-as-coral Bob then asked “Which is the only circular British road sign with three arrows?”
‘Easy… it’s a mini-roundabout. Wait, hang on minute…. Haven’t I seen circular roundabout signs? No… a roundabout is a triangular (warning) sign……’ My thought process continued…. ‘Hmmm, I’m sure I’ve seen some circular roundabout signs….’ And I convinced myself that I had seen circular roundabout signs in both Inverness and Elgin. Bob was starting to ask the next question, so I put down ‘roundabout’.

At the end of the round we swapped answer sheets and Bob read out the answers. “The only circular British road sign with three arrows is a mini roundabout.”
Now, I used to compile and host pub quizzes, so I believe that the quizmaster is always right. This is especially true in Bob’s case as the quizzes are bought in, so he can only read the answer he is given. The trouble is, I had somehow convinced myself that, every day, I saw circular roundabout signs. I could even strongly picture, in my mind, a circular roundabout sign near Elgin leisure centre. So I voiced my objection. After all, it wasn’t just my quiz reputation now at stake, it was my reputation as a driving instructor. My 99% score in my Driving instructor theory test would count for nothing if I got this wrong. Of course, people in other teams gleefully produced Googled pictures of triangular roundabout signs on their smartphones, but my memory had stubbornly tricked me into being convinced that some roundabout signs were circular and I persisted with my claim. I even vowed to produce photographic evidence at the next quiz.
If I had stopped to think about it, I would have logically realised that a roundabout sign could not be circular (a circular sign is an order…. Although that logic doesn’t explain why a mini-roundabout sign is circular). A few days later, I was teaching in Elgin, and I we approached the leisure centre…. “Nooooo!” The roundabout sign there was, indeed, a triangle. I frantically struggled to think of where I might have seen a circular roundabout sign. For the next few days I was still convinced that I had seen circular roundabout signs and I looked in vain for them.

I KNEW that a mini-roundabout sign is circular, so I can’t imagine why I did not put that answer down. “Never mind,” you may say, “it’s only a quiz.” But, to me, my reputations as both a quiz fiend and a knowledgeable driving instructor have been vaporised. Tomorrow night I will have to slink in to the Argyll and hope that no-one remembers to ask for photographic proof of my mythical circular roundabout signs. Perhaps I will sneak in a copy of the Highway Code, just in case Bob asks any more driving-related questions.

Hurricanes, facial hair and cheeseheads.

After a quiet December and a steady January, February is proving to be a very lively month - in almpst all aspects.
Last Tuesday evening, the forecast for the West coast was wild; hurricane force winds and plenty of snow were expected. As it turned out, the snow only settled on the high ground, but the windspeed reached gusts of 90mph, which proved an unusual challenge for pupils. It proved even more of a challenge back home, where signposts were snapped and our front gate was ripped from its hinges.

When you are self-employed it can get worrying when your diary is not as full as it should be. Through December my diary looked ok, but all it takes is a few cancellations to create worrying gaps and, although I do everything possible to help my pupils become good drivers and pass their test, when they do pass that means I have one less pupil. You might think that, with people turning 17 every day, new pupils would be fairly consistently spread out. Somehow it doesn't work like that. I went several weeks without any new enquiries but then, last week, 3 new pupils started, this week 3 more start, and 3 more start the week after that. A few nights ago I dreamt that I had taken on even more new pupils. The dream was so realistic that, when I woke, I was slightly panicked, wondering which of my new pupils were real and which were imaginary (they have all been real so far, I am relieved to say).

From a sporting perspective, the week could hardly have gone better. It would have been perfect if Andy Murray had not lost the final of the Australian Open. Liverpool have won their last 4 league games, without conceding a goal and, amazingly (considering where we were a month ago) are now 6th! I was worried that Torres would score against us, but I did not take into account the legend that is Jamie Carragher returning to transform our defence. It's not been the best of seasons, but, with beating Chelsea and Man Utd losing to Wolves, it was a great week.

To end the (sporting) week, I stayed up to watch the Super Bowl. After visiting friends in Wisconsin a few years back, I am an adopted Cheesehead, so I was on the edge of my seat as the Green Bay Packers clung to their lead towards the end of the game. With the Packers 3rd down and 10, with less than 6 minutes remaining, I accidently woke our dogs up (at nearly 3am) when Jennings held the catch to release the pressure and I leapt up out of the sofa.

In other news, I experimented with a beard for a couple of weeks - not a full-face one, but moustache-chin-combo type beard. It made me look even more ridiculous and I began subconsciously stroking it, so it had to go. In other facial hair news, I tried shaving underwater - not in the local swimming-pool, you will be relieved to hear, but in the bath. It is a very weird sound, shaving underwater, it sounded as though my face was being ripped off. I won't be doing that again.

Congratulations to Anna on passing her test. I bet you can't wait to take your car out on your own. See you on the roads.

I'm sure there was something else I was going to tell you........ Nope, can't think what it was. Oh well.

Nobody's perfect.... BUT....

I’ve been writing a screenplay. Typical of me, I’ve gone about it arse about face and have started with the closing scene….

Scene: A pupil, Oscar, and his driving instructor, Jerry, are just driving away at the start of the lesson. Oscar thinks his driving is going ok. Deep down, Jerry knows he is not a great instructor and, his conscience getting the better of him, decides to tell his pupil that he should look for a better instructor.

OSCAR: I called my friend and told him how good my driving is. He wants to drop his instructor and have lessons with you.
JERRY: Oscar, I don’t think I should teach your friend. He will have learned to drive a certain way…
OSCAR: You can change it…
JERRY: Oh, no. Look Oscar…. I’m going to level with you. I can’t teach you anymore.
OSCAR: Why not?
JERRY: Well….. To begin with, I’m not the instructor you think I am.
OSCAR: It doesn’t matter.
JERRY: And I smoke. I smoke all the time.
OSCAR: I don’t care.
JERRY: And I have a terrible past. For the last three lessons I haven’t done a thing to improve your driving.
OSCAR: I forgive you.
JERRY: Ah…..(in final desperation) But you don’t understand! (Rips up green badge). I’m a rubbish instructor!
JERRY: (Oblivious) Well… Nobody’s perfect.

A promising final scene, doncha think? What do you mean, it’s downright plagiarism?! Ok, well it might bear some similarities to the end of Some like it hot, but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so they say.

My 100% pass rate for 2011 suffered a nasty dent this week with two fails. The first pupil has been with me for almost a year (albeit slightly sporadically). The second one has only been with me for a few weeks, but has had lessons almost every day. Obviously disappointed about both results and surprised, but confident that, with a little more concentration they will both pass next time.
Neither pupil asked me to sit in on their test, so, on both occasions I was left to luxuriate in the splendour that is Elgin test centre. I have 40 - 50 minutes to kill, so I usually take a book, but on these two tests there were other people out on test at the same time, so I chatted with their instructors.
The first instructor told me about how, when he worked for a local driving school before going independent, his lessons were very fixed. His timetable was dictated by the company and they would say, for example, Tom 9.00 - 10.00; Dick 10.00 - 11.00, Harry 11.00 - 12.00 etc.
“But what about time travelling between lessons?” I asked. He said that often they met him at the office and were dropped off there, where the next pupil would be waiting. All hyper-efficient and great for the company (who take a sizeable %age of the lesson fee), but not ideal for the pupil or the instructor - what happens if you need to powder your nose? But he then went on to explain that many pupils lived in villages, miles away from the office, and had to be collected and dropped off at home.
“So what happens then?” I asked. He explained that if a pupil’s lesson was 10.00 - 11.00, for example, he would leave the office at 10.00, drive to the pupil’s house (however long that took), give the pupil maybe a 30 - 40 minute lesson, then leave in time to get back to the office by 11.00 for the next pupil!
“But the pupil still pays for the whole hour?”
“Yes,” he replied, “they just seemed to accept it because they don‘t live in Elgin.”
My flabber was well and truly ghasted. Not only that, but if a pupil wanted to practice their hazard perception on the office’s computer, it was often part of the lesson time which, of course, they were paying for.
PUPILS! If your instructor/driving school treats you like this, DON’T STAND FOR IT! There are other instructors, i.e. ME, who will give you your full money’s worth. In fact, I am often a fool to myself by letting lessons over-run (if there is no rush to get to the next lesson).

The next day, next test, I was chatting with another instructor. As he watched his pupil complete his Bay park and drive off, he said “I hope he passes this time; it’s his seventh test. He’s an awful driver, but hopefully he‘ll get lucky.”
This is not a joke. It is not even a slight exaggeration. This is what he said.
Now, maybe I’ve got this wrong, but I thought the idea of a driving instructor was to turn ‘awful drivers’ into good drivers? The little devil on my shoulder urged me to point this out to him, but the angel on my other shoulder told me to keep quiet and mind my own business.
Not everyone passes first time, some people take two, three, or even four attempts to pass. If you were reading last year, you may remember that I had one pupil who took seven attempts to pass. The difference being that I thought she would pass first time; I thought she was a good driver (she was, she just fell apart in tests). No-one starts off being a good driver, but that is why they take lessons.
The other worrying aspect is his last comment “…hopefully he’ll get lucky”!!! What this instructor is effectively saying is ‘I want rid of this pupil, but I don’t care if he is a danger on the road because it won’t be my problem anymore’.
Perhaps….perhaps….he was exaggerating and, as an experienced ADI, he thought he WAS good enough and safe enough to be allowed on the road, but his driving was just a bit ‘rough’ (not ‘awful’). Perhaps I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for every other road user, the examiner thought his driving wasn’t good (or safe) enough and failed him. I imagine his instructor is urging his pupil to re-book as soon as possible, hoping that, by the laws of probability, on the 8th time he might ‘get lucky’,
Meanwhile, I would urge that same pupil to FIND ANOTHER INSTRUCTOR. Nobody’s perfect, but there are limits to how much imperfection you should accept.

Social networking on trial

A month ago I considered whether I wanted to make any New Year’s resolutions. I resolve to win the lottery…. I’ll just have to buy a lotto ticket one day. Sadly, I’m so lacking in imagination, that I couldn’t think of any meaningful resolution I wanted to make. The only thing I considered was the pitifully lame “Give up Facebook and Twitter.” Hardly life-changing, world-saving stuff. It’s not as if I actually spend much time on either site (although I do have an inclination for ‘Bejewelled Blitz’ on Facebook). Ultimately, I decided to give them both a further year’s trial (and then probably not make any decision).


Of the two, I think Twitter will prove the more enduring. Someone once said something along the lines of ‘Facebook is full of your family and friends; Twitter is full of people who you wish were your family or friends.’ Very true in my case; only a couple of people I ‘follow’, or who follow me on Twitter are friends or family. The rest are comprised of fellow driving instructors, columnists, comedians and cricketers.

On the face of it, Facebook’s versatility and variety should make it the more interesting, but the brevity of tweets require people to get to the point quickly on Twitter, which keeps it fresh. A common criticism (and a fair one) is that Twitter is full of people telling you what they are having for dinner (or driving instructors thrilling everyone by listing what lessons they have that day), but, no problem, simply press ‘un-follow’.

What keeps me checking in is the shining wit (not a Spoonerism). Whether it is the slightly unhinged humour of columnist Caitlin Moran, the silliness of Viz Twop Tips or the sharp topical wit of various wags (as opposed to WAGs). Some chucklesome tweets regarding the football transfer window included the following:
Twop Tip: Replicate the transfer deadline day in your works canteen by panic-buying a Pot Noodle for £20, a minute before they close.
Breaking news: Torres to Chelsea deal breaks down after John Terry fails to agree terms with Torres’ wife.
False alarm: World-class German full-back seen at Spurs lodge was really Hutton dressed as Lahm.
Little Britain pair sign for Liverpool. (With new signings Andy Carroll and Luis Suarez, Liverpool now have Lou and Andy up front.)

Right. It’s time I got my finger out and got off to work (although I could manage a couple of games of Bejewelled Blitz first).

DVLA Email scam

DVLA scam email warning

Watch out for emails claiming to be from DVLA asking you to verify your driving licence details via an online link – it's a scam. DVLA has not sent any such email, so if you get one delete it immediately.
Scam phishing email

The email appears to be an attempt to trick drivers into providing personal details. If you get the email below, do not respond to it and delete it immediately.

This warning has also been published on the Directgov website:

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Nl1/Newsroom/DG_194193


From: DVLA
Subject: Update Your License Details

We are currrently upgrading our database and all drivers are required to update and verify there driver's license details.To complete your license verification with us, you are required to fill out the form in the link below.

{Fake link}
Drivers that refuses to upgrade his or her details within two weeks of receiving this verification email will lose his or her driver's License and will have to take a fresh driving test.
We sincerely apologise for any inconviniences this might have caused you.
Thank you for your co-operation.
(c) Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency Swansea SA6 7JL