The other C-word

Christmas. Plucked free from the festive demands of the Hotel/Pub industry, I feel more festive now than I have felt since I was about 6 years old. It is a traditional moan that 'Christmas gets earlier and earlier each year'. I used to feel that way, but, to me, it did not seem to be the case this year. Whether it is a result of the Credit Crunch, or me just wandering around with blinkers, Christmas didn't seem to get going until late November this year; whereas, in previous years, television adverts and supermarket promotions have caused me to be sick of the season before October has started.
It is Christmas Eve, a day I usually find myself behaving like a pinball, frantically trying to do all the things I should have done a month earlier. This year however, all is peace and calm. Cards have all been sent, presents have been bought AND wrapped. I have even completed all the food shopping, with the exception of one red chilli (which is just to decorate Rachel's monkfish in coconut, lime and ginger, so I can do without it). In fact, it feels wrong being (relatively) organised. I have three 2-hour lessons to give today and then.... that's it. Finished (at least until Sunday, when I am off to Ullapool for two days of lessons).
Jane and I are wrestling with a moral dilemma: Do we put Gary Glitter's Rock and Roll Christmas on the Christmas playlist? When I was 15 years old, my friend, Bearde, and I went to see Gary Glitter at Friars, Aylesbury. As far as we were concerned, he was a ridiculous, fat, old has-been (it’s funny how we considered him really old when Debbie Harry, who we considered a goddess, was only a year younger). But, it was the festive season, we both liked Leader of the Gang and Rock and Roll Pt2, it was Bearde’s birthday and we thought going to laugh at an old has-been would be a good night out. We were wrong. It wasn’t a good night out, it was a great night out. His energy, his costumes, his ability to get the whole crowd singing and dancing along, his general showmanship were all spectacular. We were so impressed we went to see him on several occasions after that. A few years later, another of my friends, Gog (Andy Gogan) married Gary Glitter’s daughter and, for years, my claim to fame was that Gary Glitter’s grand-daughter once puked on my shoulder as I held her. Anyway, I digress. Mr. Glitter has now been convicted of being a sad old perv. But, what Jane and I have discussed is whether playing Gary Glitter’s Rock and Roll Christmas suggests that we condone paedophilia. I think the sensible answer is ‘of course it doesn’t’, so we can put it on tomorrow’s playlist. After all, people are quite happy to play Jerry Lee Lewis records.

The other day Jane and I went, with Maggie, Rachel, Jamie, Anna and all three grandchildren, Jordan, Charlie and Carmen, to see Santa. He was on the Santa Special steam train which runs through the Cairngorms, from Aviemore to Boat of Garten. The snow may be causing havoc across the whole country at the moment but, when you are choo-chooing through a crisp white landscape, with fat snowflakes falling thick outside and your grandchildren agog at Father Christmas handing them presents, while we sip mulled wine… I would defy anyone not to feel Christmassy.
We are all off to Nairn beach tonight to send lanterns soaring into the night sky. The temperature is varying between -2 and -12C today, so we shall ensure we have plenty of mulled cider on the hob when we return.

I will be back, after Christmas, to bore you with more tales of being a driving instructor in the Highlands. Meanwhile, I wish you the merriest of festive seasons.

The C-word

It is an unfortunate sign of the times that we increasingly hearing this most repugnant of words. Not just on the streets, but on radio and, especially, television. Most words lose their impact with repetition, but not this one. Admit it, you would feel terrible if someone walked up to you and called you a C*well.
Yet, in some strange way, you have to admire the man. Not for his haircut, his leer, his narcism, the way he tucks his jumpers in his trousers, his HUGE self-importance or even for his total absence of humanity. No, you have to admire Simon for his success.
Not so long ago, you would have had to drag me, kicking, screaming, biting and punching, to watch The X Factor. I can't remember how it started (probably reading, or doing paperwork, while the auditions were on), but, like tens of millions of others, I developed a mild interest in the progression of various contestants. But, that's where it ends for me. In fact, I wish I had not wasted hours watching anything after the initial auditions, because it just becomes an endless succession of adverts with a bit of over-produced karaoke inbetween. And, yes, you can't deny that Joe has a good voice, but that doesn't give him (or C*well) the right to a No.1 single.
So I was in total support of the Rage against the Machine plot to blow up the Houses of X Factor. I have a very diverse taste in music, but have yet to buy (or download) a RATM track. And, even though I could take or leave their single,  Killing in the name, I fully supported the cause to get it to No.1. Over the last week, in the run-up to last Sunday's unveiling of the Christmas chart, the media were saturated with the story. On several occasions a radio or television show would play the last four Christmas No.1s (all by X Factor winners); how soul-less and forgetable they all were. I honestly have no idea how Shayne Ward's That's my goal, Leona Lewis's A moment like this, or Leon Jackson's When you believe sound. I only know Alexandra Burke's  Hallelujah because I knew Leonard Cohen and Jeff Buckley's versions. C'mon, what we want is Phil Spector's Christmas songs, a bit of Slade or even (I can't believe I am saying this) Mariah Carey. The only two acts in the last THIRTY years to have had Christmas songs at No.1 are Cliff Richard and Band Aid (in its different incarnations).
Of course, you could argue that the Facebook campaign to get RATM to No.1 was no more in the spirit of the season than an X Factor campaign. Some radio stations thought so. I was listening to MFR (Moray Firth Radio) the other day, hoping to hear the local weather/road report. The DJ was saying that they had received many requests for them to play Killing in the name, but 'they would not be playing it because they did not think it was what their listeners wanted to hear'. No, I couldn't work that one out either. I switched back to Radio 1 (which, Chris Moyles aside, seems to have improved significantly over the last year).
I would love to believe that this is the start of the revolution. Wouldn't it be great if we were able to look back and see that this was the time when we began to eschew pre-packaged, saccharin-sweet muzak in favour of real music with more heart and soul. Unfortunately, with the likes of Journey finding success (as a result of Joe covering Don't stop believing), and The X Factor promising to return, bigger and 'better' next year, it seems as though it could be a five-minute revolution. Where are the likes of The Clash and The Sex Pistols when we need them most?
Apparently, Mr Cowell called Jon Morter (who started the RATM campaign) to congratulate him on winning the battle. I suspect that SC had already congratulated himself on the fact that this much-hyped 'battle' had given him (oh, and Joe, of course) even more publicity than he could have hoped for, and thus more sales. He's a clever C*well.

Dad, can I borrow your car now?

It’s grey, so it must be Grantown. No, that’s not fair, I have had some beautiful days here in Strathspey. Unfortunately, today is not one of them.

I am sat in a cosy café, with soft bacon rolls and an espresso for brunch. Meanwhile, Andy is out on his test (first attempt) and, although the rain isn’t as atrocious as it was for (his girlfriend) Verity’s test last month, it is still a mucky day.
Andy is a confident, but controlled driver. However, he is feeling the pressure because Verity passed first time and, also, because he has told everyone about his test; so he has been taking a bit of stick the last few days.
Almost everyone who tells friends and family when they are taking their test regrets doing so. I can understand the excitement when the test is first booked and they want others to share in their excitement that they could soon be free to drive wherever they want. As the test approaches, however, the regular mentions of the test often begin to add to their nerves. It often seems to be the case that, if they don’t pass first time, they keep it quiet the second time. As much as I try to reassure pupils, who have already sat one test, that they have no reason to be nervous because they have been through it before, it is quite common to have more nerves the second time. Glynn, who passed last week, said that he was far more nervous on his 4th test, than he was on his 1st.

I can proudly announce that Andy passed his test. I am sure Verity will be gracious enough not to mention that she passed with less minor faults than Andy. But, a pass is a pass. So, well done, and maybe now your dad will let you drive his VW convertible (although I doubt that you will want to have the roof down at the moment).

Sadly for me, it means I leave Grantown-on-Spey/Aviemore to concentrate on other areas of Northern Scotland. I shall miss those drives over the Dava moor. However, Andy’s efforts this morning mean that I still have a 100% pass rate in Grantown. Tomorrow I am hoping Eddie can further improve my pass rate in Inverness (despite never having had a lesson there - he lives near Elgin).

Lighten up

You may (or may not) remember me being somewhat dismissive a couple of weeks ago, when Glynn cheerfully predicted (after failing his third test) that he would follow the family sequence and pass on his fourth attempt. I wasn't being dismissive of Glynn, just his logic. It just shows you what I know; I am happy to say that Glynn did pass on his 4th attempt yesterday. I was a wee bit concerned because it was -4C when I started my day.... I was very worried that the test would be cancelled. The first few tests of the day were cancelled, but, after the temperature had soared to a sweltering 3C, Glynn's test went ahead. He did his best to mess it up (with 11 minor faults), but he obviously showed enough of his obvious (to me) ability to satisfy the examiner.

Before Glynn's test I had a lesson with a new pupil, Jed, in Inverness. That went very well, but I was stunned by some of the driving I witnessed on the way to (and from) Inverness. As I have said, it was -4C and fog covered the whole area. As a result, I have decided to give you a little quiz:

1. Fog lights should be used when...
a) Visibility is less than 100m.
b) When it is raining.
c) When you are in a red light district.

2. Dipped headlights should be used ...
a) When visibility is reduced due to weather conditions and during the hours of darkness (half an hour after sunset - half an hour before sunrise).
b) When you are an Audi driver and want to show off the twinkly lights around the headlights.
c) When you are dogging.

3. Sidelights should be used ....
a) When parked at night on a road with a speed limit greater than 30mph.
b) On any roads at dusk/dawn, regardless of speed.
c) When in thick fog.

4. When driving in thick fog, you should....
a) Use dipped headlights and foglights.
b) Use headlights on full beam.
c) Use sidelights, or save energy by driving without any lights.

If you answered mostly a)s: Well-done. You are a bit of a girly swat, but you know your lights.
If you answered mostly b)s: Hmmm. You don't really give much thought to your driving and just do what you have seen others do.
If you answered mostly c)s: Tear up your driving licence and stick to public transport. Console yourself with the fact that, unbelievably, there are others like you.

You may have gathered from that little challenge that yesterday, in thick fog, I saw people driving, at 60mph, with just sidelights and, incredibly, with NO lights at all. Firstly, sidelights: What's the problem? Is it just too much effort to turn that light control one extra click? Unless driving in well-lit roads, with a maximum speed limit of 30mph, sidelights should ONLY be used when parked. And for those driving with no lights, what is wrong with you? Sure, go ahead, kill yourself and remove yourself from the genepool, but you risk taking killing (or injuring) someone else too.

Apologies for my little rant but, the next time you hear of a multi-vehicle pile up in foggy conditions, I will bet money on insufficient lighting being one of the causes. Be safe, be seen.

p.s. Well done Glynn (I like to end on a happy note).

Blood out of a stone

Very well done Duncan on passing your test with only two minor faults. Have fun shopping for cars and enjoy your driving.

My theory that pupils would obey me as they would a god was well and truly dashed this afternoon. No, I didn't ask one to jump off a cliff; I was with one of my pupils, practicing Bay parking.
We have done this several times before, so I sat back and left him to it. He selected the bay he was going to reverse into, put the car into reverse and was just about to release the handbrake when I asked "Is it safe to reverse?" ..... nothing. He released the handbrake and I put my foot on the dual brake. "Is it safe to reverse?" I repeated. "Er...." He replied before half-heartedly looking around and starting to reverse. He tried to judge his position solely by looking over his right shoulder and made a complete hash of the manoeuvre.
I asked him to secure the car and switch off. I questioned him on the dangers of not making effective observations before reversing and (eventually) got the answers I was looking for. I then questioned him on how he could better judge his position in relation to the bay, but he didn't know. (Bear in mind that this was supposed to be a quick practice of something we have done several times before) I got my whiteboard out and gave a full, detailed instruction on how to reverse the car into the bay.
"Are we going now?" he asked.
"No, not yet. We are going to perfect it this time." I (optimistically) instructed.
He moved forward, out of the bay, and prepared the car to reverse. "Is it safe?" I prompted.
No answer. He just released the handbrake and started reversing. I dualled him again.
"How can you know that is safe to reverse without looking?"
"Oh. Er...." (followed by the briefest of looks around the car).
I kept my foot on the brake while I watched the confusion on his face because the car wasn't moving.
"What are you looking for?"
"Other people." he mumbled before making another hash of the manoeuvre.
I explained exactly what had gone wrong and how he could improve. More diagrams and reminders that he must make effective observations before and during the maneouvre in order to reverse safely and accurately.
In one ear and out the other. There were barely any observations before reversing and he scraped into the bay, more by luck than judgement.
"Right. Off we go." I suggested. He looked at me with more confusion. He obviously knew that it wasn't good enough and probably expected me to tell him to do it again. But I was bored.... bored of my voice echoing back from the inside of his head.

Perhaps I wasn't godly enough. Perhaps I should have looked him in the eye and declared "I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to ignore my instruction." Although, when Samuel L. Jackson says something similar, the fact that he is waving a .45 gives it a certain directness. I doubt that me saying it, while waving a dry-wipe pen will have quite the same effect.

God complex.

Whether you are starting a new school, a new job or meeting a new group of people, that first day can be a source of anxiety to some. Many of my pupils will admit that they are quite nervous when they meet me for their first lesson. Understandable of course, although I would be slightly concerned if they were even more nervous about meeting me for their second lesson.
When I trained to become a driving instructor there were often other trainees in the sessions. As the training progressed, one of the other trainees was clearly nervous about the prospect of teaching for the first time. Bob, our trainer, tried to reassure her, "Don't worry, you know far more about driving than your pupil does, and that's what your pupil will be thinking. As far as your pupil is concerned, you are God." Well, I don't see St.Peter standing at my garden gate right now, and I certainly don't have a big, grey beard, but we got the drift of what he was saying. In fact, my power over my pupils, my divine omnipotence was clearly demonstrated yesterday:

I had picked one of my pupils up and we were driving along the A96, a 60mph single-carriageway that links Inverness with Aberdeen. He was keeping up with the flow of traffic, at 60mph, when a truck (HH Distribution Ltd, registration number SY55BKE) pulled out in front of him. It was a completely straight road, with good visibility, but the truck driver obviously thought 'A learner - I must get out before him'. Without prompting, my pupil checked his mirror and braked progressively until we reached a safe following distance. I use such incidents as learning tools and we discussed how the truck driver should have judged a safe opportunity to emerge from the junction, and the possible consequences of misjudging that gap. Then I made my own misjudgement...
"I think we should overtake the truck so that I can pass the driver one of my business cards." Jokingly trying to imply that the driver might benefit from further driving lessons. But I was caught out when I my pupil began checking his mirrors, accelerating and about to indicate right (as if to overtake). "NO. We are NOT going to overtake." I hastily ordered. I apologised and explained my lame joke. Rather than rupture his spleen in apoplectic hysterics, he simply replied "Oh. I did wonder why you were telling me to overtake. I wasn't sure I wanted to."
In my next lesson I will experiment with my power. I will take the pupil to a cliff and ask them to jump off.

Counting chickens

Firstly, congratulations to Iain on passing his test on Thursday. That made it a very balanced week, as far as tests are concerned; one pass, one fail and one cancellation (see previous posts). Another six tests to go before xmas; one in Elgin, one in Inverness and three in Ullapool.
Nothing in particular I wanted to write about today, just abstract ramblings, but, if you have read my blog before, you should be used to that by now.
Once again, I am over in Ullapool, with the bright wintery sun casting long shadows over the golden scenery and the shimmering Loch Broom. The snowline has descended, meaning many more hills and mountains are capped with the white stuff, but it is still pleasant enough to be able to have the windows open at times.
I was chatting with the landlady of Creagan House, which is my B&B of choice whenever I am here. When I told her that I live over near Brodie and Forres, she said “Och, it’s lovely over there.” “Yes, it is,” I replied “but I prefer it over here.” “Really? Perhaps we should swap.” She suggested. “Be careful. I may take you up on that.”
It’s funny how much you take where you live for granted. Some of my pupils love Ullapool, but others can’t wait to move away. I remember my friend, Bearde, his girlfriend, Jane, and me staying with friends in New Jersey for a couple of weeks. The first day there, they asked us what we wanted to do. We wanted to go into Manhattan (15 - 20 miles away) and see the sights, so we told them that we would like to go up the Empire State building. “That’s a great idea. We’ve never done that.” It seemed incredible to us that they lived in view of the Empire State, yet had never been up it.
Just waiting for my next lesson, with Laura. She is not taking things for granted. She lives up in Lochinver, 37 miles north of Ullapool. Not only does her mum or dad have to do a 74 mile round trip for her driving lessons, but she has to do the same journey (by bus) every morning/afternoon for school. Hard to imagine isn’t it? I had to travel five miles by bus/coach to get to my schools, which I thought was long enough, but 37 miles would have been an expedition. Having said that, I often used to hurriedly try and do my homework whilst on the morning bus to school. With a 37 mile trip, I could have got all my homework done.

Finally, to continue with the theme of taking things for granted, I am amazed how, as a result of the draw for the 2010 World Cup, England are joint-favourites with some bookies. I’m English, so of course I want England to do well, but surely we are being premature in our celebrations? If Algeria, Slovenia and the USA needed any further incentive to beat us, our reaction to the draw has surely given it to them. I have nothing against Emile Heskey, but, if Wayne Rooney does ok at Manchester without a Heskey-type partner, then surely Jemaine Defoe would be a better bet as his partner for England. Or maybe we should recall Robbie Fowler….. now there was a striker.

(Postscript: A few hours after writing this, Jermaine Defoe missed an awful penalty. D'Oh!)

Be careful what you wish for.

A little postscript to my my last post: As I said, Tuesday was very disappointing, especially for Anna. As she walked away from Elgin test centre the thermometer on my car read 6C. Later on, at 3.30 that afternoon, I was back in the TC car park teaching another pupil Bay Parking. The temperature had now dropped to 3C, so I was surprised to see the examiner who had cancelled Anna's test taking someone out on a test. How did it become safe to go ahead with a test at 3.27pm, when it was judged 'not safe' at 11.41am, when it was three degrees warmer? Not only that, but I received a distressed text message from Anna this afternoon: She said that they had given her a new test date of January 13th 2010; five weeks away. Hardly the "few days" the examiner guessed it woud be. Worse still, Anna will have left Elgin to go to university before then. I have promised her that I will keep looking for cancellations (test slots that become available with short notice because someone else has cancelled, or moved, their test).

You may have read one of my posts, at the end of October, saying that, with all the tests I had coming up, I would have gaps in my diary for new pupils. That was a slight understatement. My diary was beginning to look worryingly empty, hence my willingness to travel to Ullapool for more work.
On BSM's Instructor forum, there are often moans from instructors around the country that BSM do not provide them with enough pupils. But BSM cannot conjure pupils out of thin air. BSM have spent money sponsoring the telly programme 'Skins', advertising on football ground hoardings, securing prime positions on search engines and offering 20% off blocks of lessons. I always sympathise with instructors who are struggling with the lack of pupils because I know exactly what it feels like. However, don't just sit on your backside, moaning. DO SOMETHING!
Concerned about the lack of pupils, I printed posters and put them in local shops, I took the time to get myself listed on Yell, Google and other free means of advertising, I gave out business cards to all my pupils, I opened up my diary to cover more days and hours, and, as I have said, I was prepared to travel greater distances to find work.
With the exception of the 6 or 7 Ullapool pupils that were passed on to me, I was disappointed with the result of my efforts; there was still a significant shortage of pupils. Then, in the last ten days, it has suddenly gone mad. I have had several new pupils and enquiries each day and my diary has become very full indeed. Some of them have come via BSM, several have come from recommendations from previous, or existing, pupils, and some of them have found me through my own entries in Google et al. The nice thing is that they are from different areas: Michelle, Eilidh, Laura, Stuart, Ryan, Karen, Michael, Fin, Chris and Kim in Ullapool; Andrea, Mark, Duncan, Jed and Kevin in the Inverness area; and Ryan, Imogen, Eddie, Paula and Henry in Elgin/Forres.
I even had an enquiry from Reigate, Surrey this afternoon, 605 miles away! I should explain: Mascha lives in Reigate but is staying with family in Ullapool over Christmas, so she searched for driving instructors in Ullapool (I only listed my services in Ullapool last night) and found me. She has booked her test, in Ullapool, for 23rd December, and has asked me to give her sufficient lessons to take her to test.

All of this means that I am going to be a very busy boy over the next few weeks, with my only day off, between now and Christmas, being Sunday 20th December (we are taking the grandchildren on Santa's steam train in the Cairngorms). I am not complaining. Far from it. This time of year is traditionally quiet for driving lessons so I am going to make hay while the sun shines (or should that be 'make snowballs while the snow falls'?).
What is starting to concern me is where to draw the line. If I get any more new pupils I will find it hard to fit them into my diary (existing pupils will always get priority), but I hate the idea of turning any away. When I ran pubs I used to hate turning tables away, but I think it is sometimes better to give good service to a reasonable amount of customers than poor service to too many customers. Who knows, I may not get any more new pupils for weeks, so I should be grateful of this sudden deluge of customers.
So, for any instructors who want more pupils, you have a choice: Sit there doing nothing and feeling sorry for yourself; or get out there (geographically and on the internet) and get those pupils yourself - give yourself a happy Christmas.

Baby it's cold outside.

A disappointing day. Anna had been improving steadily with her driving, so had gone ahead and booked her own driving test. Since then, progress had been a little slower than I had hoped, so, with a couple of weeks to go, I was a little concerned that she was not quite ready. The last few lessons she has worked really hard on her approach to junctions and also on her parallel parking. Yesterday's lesson and today, in the hour before her test, she drove faultlessly and we went to Elgin Test Centre full of confidence.
So why am I disappointed? What happened? Why is Anna upset? We walked into the test centre only to be told that the test was cancelled due to the weather. What weather? Ok, it is a bit chilly (6C) and there was certainly a sharp frost first thing this morning, but the roads are well-gritted and there was no sign of any problems at all this morning.
Now, just as we had built Anna's confidence to the point where she was looking forward to taking her test, we are now left wondering when her test will be re-scheduled. This will mean more expense for her as she will want more lessons to retain that confidence. It will also mean that she will have to ask for more time off work, so perhaps even more expense.
What worries me is that, if they are cancelling tests when the temperature is 3 - 6C, then there may not be many days in the next few months when they are able to take tests; thus potentially creating a backlog of tests. Whenever a pupil asks me about driving in snow or icy conditions, my first piece of advice is 'consider whether you really need to make the journey'. If you must drive, then allow plenty of time for the journey. A few years ago, when we lived in Glen Urquhart, I had to go to Aberdeen for a 9.00am meeting. This is a journey of 145 miles, which normally would take just over three hours. Some snow had been forecast, so I set off at 3.45am, allowing over five hours for the journey; I just got to the meeting in time.
I'm certainly not going to argue with the examiners. I won't put Anna, or anyone else, up for test if I have any doubt over their ability to drive me around safely. But the examiners don't know, when they first get in the car, whether the pupil is a safe driver. So cancelling tests when they think the roads are potentially dangerous is understandable...... just disappointing.

Saturday night's alright for........ having a nice sit down and a cup of tea

I sometimes wonder what goes through the minds of friends and family - that I haven’t really seen too much of since I moved to the better side of the border - when they read my blog (if they read my blog). At the risk of opening a HUGE can of worms, they will have memories of me racing around in my various Fiats/Fords/Mazdas, not entirely with due care and attention; they may have witnessed me ‘singing’ or ‘dancing’ in public (thankfully in the days before YouTube); and… they may recall me swimming across frozen lakes, failing to stay on a bicycle, crawling around a pub on my hands and knees, running down the middle of Wareham High Street in the style of Superman, or falling asleep for 29 hours………. All as a result of a little drink or two. Then again…. who hasn’t done those things? (anyone???)


The reason I write this is because it is Saturday night, there are several enticing pubs within three minutes walk of here (I am back in Ullapool), and yet, here I sit, with Strictly…./X-Factor/I’m a celebrity…./Match of the Day/The thick of it for my entertainment, and mugs of coffee as my drink of choice. I know I know…. I’m not 19 anymore (as Jane often reminds me) - at least, not physically. But it is a bit sad, isn’t it? I’m even missing (Inverness) BSM’s Xmas bash tonight. To further rub it in, the landlady of the B&B I am staying in says the earliest I can have breakfast tomorrow is half-past eight, ‘because she is going out for a drink tonight’.
But it’s not sad. Becoming a driving instructor was the best career decision I ever made, and that brings responsibilities. I had an hour’s gap before today’s last lesson, so I went to The Ceilidh Place for dinner. I would have loved a beer (even just a half-pint), but I’m NEVER going to turn up for a lesson with even the faintest whiff of alcohol on me, so it was mineral water for me. Equally, I have lessons in the morning, so I cannot afford to really have a drink tonight either. Face it, would you want your son/daughter’s instructor smelling of alcohol?

Consequently, where, once upon a time, a Saturday night blog might have looked like this,
“WOWW waht a great nigh thatwas………………… U sshuold have seeen it when squirty && i were danc ing on thetable !!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
You now have to endure my sober musings on the crap on telly.

Strictly….. I’m losing interest now. Despite the racism-row, the injuries, Arlene being sacked and, now, Ricky being arrested on suspicion of assault, it still seems to be getting a little….. dull. Actually, maybe I’m being unfair because Chris and Ola’s Charleston was definitely not dull. In fact, there were parts of it which wouldn’t have been out of place on the television stations favoured by MPs’ husbands. But, apart from that, it’s not the same now that Tuffers and the other, sweatier, Ricky have gone.

X Factor…… It’s rubbish, isn’t it. You can imagine the original pitch: “We are going to find someone different, someone who stands out, someone with that je ne sais quoi…… someone with….. THE X FACTOR.” Instead, we get a parade of variably talented people, who have any traces of originality squeezed out of them by the format and the ‘mentors’. You end up with a karaoke show which merely highlights why acts such as Queen, George Michael, Elton John and even Take That didn’t need any help from the likes of Cowell and co. You have to admit, despite the hairstyle, Simon Cowell is a clever man; but I can’t think of anyone I would be more embarrassed to have as my dad. The other week he actually used the word “chicks”, then, tonight, he prefaced his critique with lecherous comments about the “cute” girl in the audience (the camera didn’t show the girl failing to hold back the vomit).

I’m a celebrity get me out of here…….. Well, in my limited experience, it is certainly the best of all the reality TV shows; a much more interesting scenario than simply sticking people in a house. And Ant & Dec are more talented than I think they are generally given credit for. People moan about the Z-list celebrities, but would it really be that much better if it were Tom Cruise, Whitney Houston and Simon Cowell were in there instead of Joe Bugner, Gino Di Campo and Samantha Fox?

Having said that, I’ve had an idea: If the Government are serious about tackling ‘binge-drinking’ they should insist that Simon Cowell sits in the jungle, chewing Kangaroo anuses every Saturday night. Who would rather go out to the pub than watch that?

Bigmouth strikes again

I should have kept my mouth shut. Just the other day I said “(Being with BSM,) I like the peace of mind in knowing I can just pick up the phone and instantly get the problem sorted…” (whenever there is a problem with the car). This was after a new pupil had accelerated into the curb, bursting a tyre and denting the wheel. On Monday I called the approved Vauxhall dealer in Inverness to request a new wheel and to book a 20,000 mile service. They could fit me in Wednesday. Perfect.

I went to collect my car, only to find that, although they had done the service (and replaced the brake pads - which they had to get authorisation from BSM for), they had not changed the wheel because it had not yet been ordered. I found it slightly strange that, somewhere in the largest Vauxhall dealer within 100 miles, they did not have a replacement wheel for perhaps their biggest-selling car. Now, I don’t know about you, but I would have hoped that, when I called and asked for a new wheel, after they had a look under the desks and behind the coffee machine for any spare Corsa wheels that may have been hiding, they would have ordered it there and then. Or is that just a bit too radical?
“Well, when will you get one in?”
“”Hopefully next week.” was the reply.
When they started saying ‘hopefully…’ I was expecting ‘this afternoon’ or maybe ‘tomorrow’. Not ‘…next week’!

As you can imagine, since ‘the wheel incident’, I have been a little edgy when I feel that my pupils are getting a little too close to the curb. I may be able to change a wheel, but (without a spare), I certainly cannot teach pupils to drive with only three wheels.

Yesterday afternoon I picked up another new pupil for his first lesson. I drove to Stevenson Road, a nice, straight road with a very quiet roundabout at one end - perfect for practising moving off/stopping and then practising steering. He picked things up very quickly and seemed to have little problem with clutch control, changing gears or steering - fantastic for a first lesson. As we neared the end of the lesson I was backing off the instruction, trying to let him do repetitions of the same ‘loop’ with occasional prompts from me. We turned right at the roundabout then, as he started to accelerate away from the junction he chose the wrong moment to look down at the gearstick. WHAM! We hit the curb. My heart was in my mouth. Luckily, I had just got to the wheel in time; not enough to avoid the curb, but enough make sure it was only a glancing blow, and not full-on. Twice in a few days, I couldn’t believe it. Fortunately, an inspection of the wheel revealed that it was fine this time.

At least I don’t have to worry about the wheel, as far as tests are concerned. WRONG! My next pupil on test is Anna, next Tuesday. At least… that was the case until last night, when Glynn called me to ask if I could take him for test today! He had been looking for cancellations so that he might bring his (3rd) test forward and had found two today; one at 9.37am and one at 1.03pm. By pure chance, the 1.03pm slot fitted in perfectly with the only gap in today’s diary, so I said he could go ahead and book it. The wheel is not a problem because it is a proper wheel (not a silly ‘space-saver’ spare wheel), but (without a spare) I made sure I had my foot over the dual brake during the whole of today’s first lesson (with Andrea).

Glynn drove like a dream during his pre-test lesson, but not during his test: He failed to recognize the road markings at the end of a one-way street and, when the examiner asked him to turn right, he did not position himself correctly in the right-hand lane; potentially dangerous if another vehicle turning right had positioned themselves alongside. He was relatively buoyant afterwards, “My oldest sister passed 1st time, my second-oldest sister passed 2nd time and my youngest sister passed 3rd time, so I had a feeling I wouldn’t pass today…. 4th time lucky.” He suggested. Sounds a little like b*ll*cks to me Glynn, but at least you are being positive about your next attempt.

‘Positive’ is not exactly how I would describe my thoughts, as I head back to Ullapool this weekend, on being that far away without a spare wheel.

Three wheels on my wagon.

When times are tough you start to envy undertakers and those employed by the Inland Revenue. As Benjamin Franklin said, 'nothing is more certain than death and taxes'. But, you would think that a driving instructor would also have a fairly steady stream of customers. There is no seasonality to people reaching the age of 17. Somehow, it doesn't quite work out like that.
Being a BSM franchisee, I pay a chunky wad each week to BSM. In return, I expect a new, 'fit-for-purpose' car (and, yes, I do include the Fiat 500 in that particular Venn diagram). I also expect a reasonably full diary, populated with pupils who have come to me via BSM. Many instructors are complaining that BSM are not providing them with enough pupils. Here is my suggestion: Instead of wasting hours on BSM's forum, complaining about the lack of pupils, or wasting hours watching Jordan getting covered in spider-encrusted goo (again), why not spend that time knocking up a nice poster to advertise your undoubted skills as a driving instructor? Why not get online and get yourself listed on Google, Yell and all the other free listings? Perhaps more importantly, why not try to make yourself the World's Greatest Driving Instructor and make your pupils look forward to their driving lessons. Praise them when they do well, be constructive when they are not doing so well and do all you can to make your lessons valuable and enjoyable.
In an earlier post, I mentioned that, due to having several pupils pass their test, I now had large gaps in my diary. Recently I have listed my services on Google et al, made posters and complained to the office about the lack of pupils (don't worry, they like, and expect, a bit of abuse in the office). BSM have also been running a really good promotion, 10 hours for £189. Unfortunately, none of this seemed to bring in more pupils. So when I heard about the 'lack of instructor' situation in Ullapool, I decided it was worth my while travelling the 160 mile round-trip to find more work. What worried me about this decision was that, with 5 of my 6 Ullapool pupils taking their test, I may have commited myself to travelling to Ullapool for one pupil.

Suddenly, last Friday, my phone went mad. I had six people calling to ask about driving lessons; all in Ullapool. Whenever I asked them where they had got my number from they just said 'Oh, a friend', or 'My daughter's best friend's neighbour' (or similar). I told them all about BSM's offer and several of them booked up there and then. Consequently, I was able to go to Ullapool yesterday with a very full day of lessons booked.
The first lesson was with one of these new pupils. She had never even sat in the driver seat before so I had to start with the very basics (Cockpit drill and controls). We progressed to moving off and stopping. This wasn't too bad, but she was wildly oversteering. On one occasion she moved off and was heading over to the right; when I asked her to bring the car back to the left she turned very sharply to the left and put her foot down on the accelerator. I immediately went for the brake but, too late. WHAM! We hit the curb, burst the front left tyre, dented the wheel, then watched the hubcap roll drunkenly down the road. My poor pupil was very apologetic but I tried to assure her that it was my fault for not getting on the brake in time. Not something I usually incorporate into my lessons, but she learned how to change a wheel (while I learned that changing a wheel would be much easier if I kept my car boot tidy).
Two lessons later Jayanne asked what had happened with the 'wheel incident'. I assumed she must have been walking nearby, but she said that the other pupil was a friend and had called her after the lesson. Later in her lesson she waved at someone in a passsing car and said "That's Karen, your next (new) pupil after my lesson." She seemed to know my diary better than I did. It turns out that I must thank Jayanne. It appears she was happy enough with her first lesson (two weeks ago) to recommend me to some of her friends, hence the rash of new pupils in Ullapool (with more to come, according to Jayanne).

A couple of weeks ago, while Ashley was making short work of her test, I was talking to Morrison at the test centre. Morrison used to be with BSM until he decided to go independent a couple of years ago. We talked about business levels and how he kept busy. He explained that, although he had spent money on advertising in Yellow Pages etc, he estimated that about 90% of his pupils came via recommendations from previous pupils. He obviously doesn't regret his decision to leave BSM and suggested that, if I am getting personal recommendations, I should do the same. I don't think so, at least not yet. I like the peace of mind in knowing I can just pick up the phone and instantly get the problem sorted each time I have a 'wheel incident'.

Live action (almost) as it happens, from Ullapool.

Forget 'Super Sunday', today is 'Wonderful Wednesday'. No less than FIVE pupils taking their test today - all of them first attempts. So, fingers crossed for Sam, Katie, Connie, Andy and Catriona. Here is how the day's thrilling events unfold:

5.33am: Although I set my alarm for 5.30am, I woke around 4.30am and decided it was a bit risky trying to get back to sleep for another hour; I might not wake up. Usually our three dogs leap from their bed, tails wagging gleefully, when I come downstairs in the morning, but today I swear they looked at the clock before looking up at me with a ‘What? Go back to bed and leave us alone’ look. Even Jilly - who lives in eternal hope that someone will throw her a crumb - couldn't be bothered to get out of bed.


10.52am: I am sitting on the ground in an Ullapool car park, with my paperwork beneath me for comfort; there is no nice, cosy waiting-room at Ullapool Test Centre. Just a car park owned by a pottery shop. Sam has just gone out on his test after a reassuring lesson (not that that means anything). People are giving me strange looks as they pull into the car park, but I am more concerned about the fact that I have left my mobile at home, with no means of contact between my pupils and me on a day when four more of them are taking their tests. I will have to find a pay phone.

12.01pm: So far, so good. Only a few cirrus clouds decorate the sky, and the mountains are bathed in a clear, golden light. The pupils are doing well too. Sam passed quite easily, only a few minor faults. Then, while I took Connie out for her pre-test lesson, Katie also passed (in her own car). I have to admit, I am slightly less confident about Connie. Her manoeuvres and emergency stop are fine, better than Sam’s, but she just lacks confidence. She does know what to do, but, because her instruction had been so regimented - so reliant on reference points - she is still asking for confirmation on when to be in which gear, and when to start braking etc. Hopefully, it is just nerves and, hopefully, she shook off those nerves once she got underway, but we can only wait and see. A couple of tour coaches have parked at the harbour, so the village is now full of elderly tourists crossing the roads without looking. Connie is a very vigilant driver though, so I am hoping she will get a chance to display her awareness.

1.39pm: I guess it was too much to hope for a clean sweep. Sadly, Connie didn’t pass. She got asked to do a ‘Turn in the road’ early on in the test. She did it, but obviously not as well as she usually does because it played on her mind and she began worrying whether she had already failed (she hadn’t, she only picked up a minor fault for control). This led to her making mistakes and she failed for not changing down, from 4th, to an appropriate gear (2nd in this case) when she got stuck behind a slow-moving vehicle. She seems ok, and I told her to re-book her test as soon as possible, but she may have to wait until next year to get another shot at the test in Ullapool (only 7 tests a month).
I then picked Catriona up for a quick hour’s lesson. She is a much more confident driver and wants me to sit in the back, during her test, ‘so that she can have someone to chat to.’ I am always happy to sit in the back if they want (it beats sitting in a car park), but I will not be allowed to say anything unless the examiner talks directly to me. I am not allowed to move or give any signals (such as a Charles Ingram-style cough).
Earlier I found a phonebox and called Andy, but no reply, so I left a message saying that I would pick him up from the supermarket at 1.25pm (hoping desperately that he would get the message). I got to the supermarket at 1.26pm and no sign of Andy. I took a chance and drove the quarter of a mile to the Test Centre and was hugely relieved to see him standing there, waiting. We only had two minutes before the test, so it was a very rushed run-through of the ‘show me, tell me’ questions. I feel sorry for him that he was not able to get a drive before his test - I wouldn’t like to go out on test ‘cold’. Fortunately, it has no clouded over, which means that there will be less problems with visibility for Andy. It does mean that it is a wee bit chilly for me though, out here in the car park.

3.14pm: That’s it. The end of the tests. Unfortunately Andy did not pass. I think it is partly because he did not get the chance to have an hour before his test. He had been practising in his girlfriend’s car, which obviously had brakes less sharp than mine. So, at the start of his test, he picked up a serious fault for braking too sharply. Again, I advised him to re-book as soon as possible, but I am concerned about the waiting time in Ullapool. The alternative is to take his test in Gairloch (which is an even smaller coastal village).

We had a happy ending though. Catriona passed with just three minor faults. She asked Ian, the examiner, if I could sit in the back, which pleased me because it was getting a bit chilly. Often, when I am sat in the back, I squirm with anxiety when the pupil does things they just don’t do in their lessons. However, it was almost a pleasure sitting in the back of Catriona’s test because she did (almost) everything perfectly - especially her reaction to pedestrians stepping out in front of her. Her only faults were a couple of mirror omissions and one gear fault.

It is now 3.21 and it is time for me to head back to Inverness. It feels strange that I still have one more lesson to go before I can head home. After that, although I say so myself, I think I deserve a slap-up meal (which Jane will, no doubt, have prepared) and a pint of Jennings Sneck Lifter.

I’ll leave with you with a question: Where does the phrase ‘slap-up meal’ originate from? (No, I don’t know, although I do know what a ‘Sneck Lifter’ is… I have come across many of them in my time).

Pausing for breath

I hope you have enjoyed the last six days without any unwelcome intrusions from this blog. There simply wasn’t much time for me to sit on my backside and bash away at this keyboard.


Since my last post, I became a year older, took Mark, a new pupil, out for his first (very promising) lesson, then took Erin out for the first three hours of her Pass Plus course, dealing with dual-carriageways, town road systems, winding rural roads and the theory of motorways (no motorways for over 100 miles from here), then, after a quick cup of tea, Jane and I loaded our dogs in the back of Jane’s Nissan Navarra and drove for three hours down to Edinburgh (thank heavens for our sat-nav) to see The Specials, who were even better than I could possibly have hoped and had everyone (me included) feeling like we were 16 years-old and dancing away as though we were Jedward. A pleasant stay at a B&B then we spent the day driving around the Fife coast, with it’s charming fishing villages - Elie, St Monans, Pittenweem and, our favourite, Crail, where we sat outside (in mid-November!) on a tiny tearoom terrace, overlooking the sea, enjoying the sun and a cappuccino - and walking the dogs on the beaches before heading to Perth for a tasty Italian (Tagliatelle with wild goose) and to see the amazing Ladysmith Black Mambazo in concert (a birthday present from Mum. Thanks Mum) before the two and a half hour drive home over the Cairngorms, then five hours sleep and I was back on the road, this time to Hopeman, to give Ian a lesson, before heading west for the two hour drive to Ullapool for a couple of lessons, including a new pupil, Ryan, who was celebrating his 17th birthday, then I followed a very hesitant Renault, with blacked-out windows and “Wicked” sprayed across each side of the car (so it was a slight surprise to see an elderly couple getting out of it), before walking around Ullapool, in the rain, trying to find a B&B that was open out of season, with single rooms for a reasonable price. Creagan B&B was a real find, with Four-poster bed, huge bath, lots of goodies on the hospitality tray and a perfect full-Scottish breakfast, all for £30. Then a very busy day, with lessons for Sam, Catriona, Andy, Connie and Kirsty before the two hour drive home, passing the elderly couple in the ’Wicked’, blacked-out Renault on the way, for a wee dram of Laphroaig and a chance to finally switch off.

If that all sounded a bit hectic, you wait until tomorrow. My schedule for Wednesday is as follows:

5.50am - Wake up, wash, shave, dress, mug of tea, toast, kiss Jane.
6.00am - Drive to Ullapool.
8.30am - Sam’s lesson.
9.37am - Sam’s driving test.
10.30am - Connie’s lesson.
11.41am - Connie’s driving test.
12.30pm - Catriona’s lesson.
1.33pm - Andy’s driving test.
2.30pm - Catriona’s driving test.
3.30pm - drive back to Inverness.
5.30pm - Jamie’s lesson.
8.15pm - Home (…hopefully)
(For those of you not familiar with the DSA's 'unusual' test times, those times are genuine)

In addition, Kirsty, who had a lesson on Sunday, is also taking her test at 10.44, but in her own car. So, it promises to be an action-packed day, full of drama. I’m having trouble getting Sky to agree to live satellite coverage of the day - and I can’t get my mobile broadband dongle thingy to work in Ullapool - so I may not be able to bring you ‘as it happens’ commentary, but I’ll work something out.

Take a Chill Pill

Ahhhh..... That's better. I have just popped home for a mug of Earl Grey and some Ginger biscuits and now I am super-calm.
So, how's your day? Bad day at work? Kids playing havoc? Partner stressing you out? Why not get in the car and go for a nice, relaxing drive. Take a good CD; no Buzzcocks, Metallica or Prodigy though. How about something laid back, like Central Reservation by Beth Orton (especially http://open.spotify.com/track/2lHHH2Sa4FhKwh5VS5T8It), or maybe Jane's favourite, Let's get it on by Marvin Gaye. Find a road where traffic is minimal and, ideally, where you can just leave it in 5th/6th gear for a while. How close are you to the car in front? 1 - 2 seconds? Drop back a bit; then, every time they brake you can just ease off the accelerator. Van behind getting too close? Drop back a bit more, give yourself even more time to react; if they want to overtake you, that's fine, you're not in any hurry. Are you getting into the music yet? How does that feel? It's quite relaxing not to be in any rush, not battling with other drivers.

Perhaps I should have given this advice yesterday. In fact, when I think about it, I did give this advice yesterday. I have just had one of my pupils take her test (2nd attempt). After her 1st attempt she was very, very upset, to the point of being angry (see my post on 5th Ocotber 2009). That time she failed for approaching a junction too fast and also for encroaching on the other side of the road on a bend. Times are hard, so she has not had a lesson since then (until yesterday), but has practicing with friends and family.
Yesterday she booked a two-hour lesson. She is a very confident and competent driver, but a bit too confident sometimes. She wanted me to give her a mock test, where I just give directions (no instruction). No problems on the manoeuvres, but she was still approaching junctions and other hazards too quickly. This was in her car (so no dual-controls) and, after I had to tell her to brake to avoid a meeting situation (when the road is not wide enough for both you and the oncoming vehicle), I asked her to pull over and switch off the engine.
"What's the hurry?" I asked.

"What have I done wrong?"
"Who had priority back there?"
"I don't know."
"Did you not see the sign ordering you to give way to oncoming traffic?"
"No."
"Ok, you need to keep an eye out for road signs. But could you not see that you were heading straight towards that other car?"
"Ermm. Perhaps I should put my contact lenses in."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She got her lenses out of her handbag and put them in. I took a deep breath.
"Ok. We are going to forget this mock test. For the rest of the lesson we are going to work on your approach to junctions and other hazards. When you see anything  that may cause you to slow down, I want you to check your mirrors and consider your approach. I don't want you coming up to junctions too quickly. I want you to bring your speed down early, select the appropriate gear, look early and then you may not even have to stop, if it is safe to go."
"But no-one drives like that" She complained.
"Yes they do, and, if they don't they should do. What is the point of rushing up to a junction and having to stop when, if you had brought your speed down earlier, you may have had time to see that the junction was clear?"
"But my Mum and none of my friends do that."
"So what would happen if you or they approached junctions too quickly and there was a bit of black ice in the road? Or the roads were wet?"
Silence.

She did make an effort to drive with more consideration for the rest of the lesson.
This morning I picked her up ten minutes before her test. She is the only pupil I have ever had who did not want an hour's lesson before her test. The short drive to the test centre was good and I praised her on her new approach. "Just keep it like that. Take your time. Concentrate and slow down in plenty of time.......... and you have got your contact lenses in, haven't you?!"
She failed. I had a chat with the examiner immdeiately after. She failed for coming up to a roundabout too quickly and deciding to go when a car was coming round, causing the other car to slow down. She also failed for driving at 25 mph in a 20mph zone.
"STUPID EFFING STUCK-UP BITCH!" Were her first words when I joined her in the car. "What right has that bitch got to fail me? I've got two kids who I need to drive around."
I had to consider my reply. She obviously was not in the mood for a calm reflection on what went wrong. "Did you not see the flashing 20mph sign?"
"Yes, but there was no-one around. If I had seen any kids I would have slowed down."
"And what about the roundabout? Did you think you had time to go, or do you think you may have been better waiting for a bigger gap?"
I don't know why I bothered. Any utterance from me was just a red rag to a bull.
"He was stupid. He didn't have to slow down that much."

Actually Daisy, I think you are the one who is stupid. Back at her house I left her, still swearing, boasting that she is just going to drive anyway. 'She doesn't have to wait for that effing examiner to tell her she can drive.' Ok, good idea. Just go ahead and drive your two young children around without a licence. Of course, you won't be insured, but you're not going to crash are you? Rushing up to junctions and meeting situations, braking harshly and not giving way when you should.
Iris is an experienced and fair driving examiner. I am a fully-qualified Approved Driving Instructor. However, you obviously know far more about driving than we do so, clearly, you no longer need my services.

I shouldn't have posted this. It's just wound me up. Still, it's nothing that a few more ginger biscuits and a nice, relaxing drive won't put right.

Fàilte gu Ullapul*

I’m on a bit of an adventure. Sort of. That is, if you count spending Saturday night in a seaside B&B ‘compact’ bedroom as an adventure. I am in Ullapool for the weekend. In case you don’t know, Ullapool is the most northerly town on the west coast, although its residents refer to it (more accurately) as a village. Unfortunately, I am not here for the Loopalu festival, or to do some hill walking, or even just sightseeing; I am here teaching.

Driving instructors have to pass three increasingly difficult tests to become a qualified instructor: Part 1 is an extended Theory Test; Part 2 is an extended driving test; and (the dreaded) Part 3 is a test of the instructor’s ability to teach. All three tests are far from easy, but Pt3 is the killer. I’m not sure of the exact figures, but I understand that the percentage of candidates that pass is less than 27%. Worse still, potential instructors only get three attempts each at parts 2 and 3. I have to admit, I didn’t pass my Part 3 first time, which put enormous pressure on my next attempt. If Parts 2 or 3 are failed three times, the candidate has to wait until two years after they passed Part 1 before they begin the whole process again. Many instructors (as I did) begin teaching soon after passing Part 2. They teach under a (pink) Provisional Licence for a period of six months, during which time they should pass their Part 3 to gain their Approved Driving Instructor licence (green). Many people sneer at the ‘pink’, including some driving schools. The fact is that, although they have not yet passed their final test of instructional ability, they have still received just as much training as any other instructor and will be as up-to-date as any instructor will.

So what does this have to do with Ullapool? Well, until recently, you could find out, but I have had to edit this page for legal reasons.
After so many years in the catering/hospitality industry, having Sundays off is still a novel luxury, but I’ll take the work whenever it is….. up to a point. Also, while it would be nice to have all my work centred within a 20 mile radius of our house, I have to accept that that aint gonna happen. I have recently stretched my area south to Aviemore/Grantown so why not expand it west to beautiful Ullapool? It is 79 miles from where I live, but it is 79 miles I can cover in about an hour and a half, and the drive is hardly a chore. Not long ago I had someone jokingly ask if I could teach her son…… in Manchester! (Were you joking Helen?) So, who knows?…. never say never.

The west coast of Scotland is THE most beautiful place in the world, I won’t listen to anyone who disagrees, especially on a day like today. I had to scrape the ice off my windscreen before Erin’s lesson in Inverness, but that was because of the crystal-clear skies. This meant that the drive over to Ullapool was an absolute joy. I used to love the drive west when I had my V6 Mazda and I would throw the car around those meandering curves between Contin and Loch Broom at speeds bordering on naughty. Today, however, I got my pleasure from sitting at 60mph and enjoying the sublime scenery. The road snakes alongside lochs and rivers with barely any other cars along the whole 57 miles, while light dustings of snow form crests on the highest of the surrounding mountains. Fifteen miles from Ullapool the road begins the long descent into Lochbroom and the views get even better with sunlight reflecting off the distant whitewashed cottages of Ullapool overlooking the loch.

What’s not to like about Ullapool? Ladies relax in the afternoon sun listening to Radio 4, colourful fishing boats bob gently by the quay, the last of the season’s tourists sit on benches eating the world’s best fish & chips, and have I mentioned the scenery? When I talked to Jane about coming over here at the weekends, she postulated moving to Ullapool for the short term. I didn’t give it serious thought at the time but, on days like today, it is very tempting.

On top of all that, it is always nice meeting new pupils and today’s lessons all went well. A nice meal at The Ceilidh Place ended the day and I have four new pupils to meet tomorrow. All in all, I am enjoying my weekend so far….. even Liverpool avoided losing (sssshhh….they didn’t actually play today).

Just one question: Why, when I am at home with Jane, is X Factor passable Saturday night telly, but, watching it alone, it is depressing dross?

(* Welcome to Ullapool)

Ashley joins the club

The tests are coming thick and fast at the moment. After Emma and Adam’s success in Elgin, and Verity’s in Grantown yesterday, I am now back at Inverness Test Centre. Ashley is out on her first attempt. Ashley started with me back in the early spring, but she has only been having an hour a week.
Often, at the end of (or even during) the first lesson, the pupil will ask me how long it will take them to pass. As much as the DSA want us to teach ‘Safe driving for life’ (which we do), most pupils just want enough lessons to pass their test. Usually, I find it very difficult to estimate how long it will take after one lesson; besides, I don’t want to tell them. Ashley was different. For someone who had never even sat in the driver’s seat before, she really impressed me with her coordination on that first lesson. Since then she has developed into a safe, natural driver. Unfortunately, she struggled on the theory test, taking several attempts before she finally passed last month. Otherwise, we would have put in for her test maybe a couple of months ago.

A few weeks ago, when I looked at all the tests I had coming up, Ashley, Adam and Glynn were the three I was most confident about. They turned up every single week and put in almost fault-free lessons. My job with them, while we waited for their tests, has been to take them beyond test level. For example, with Ashley, who lives on the other side of Inverness, I just pick her up and ask her to drive to the test centre (as opposed to giving junction by junction directions). Only if I can see a particularly tricky situation ahead will I question her about how she is going to deal with the situation. She now knows such things as when it is appropriate to block change, how to deal with all possibilities during the manoeuvres, and can comfortably deal with overtaking on the A9 while chatting to me about her work/boyfriend/friends.

So it was of some concern just now when, in the hour’s lesson before her test, she started making mistakes. She asked me lots of questions, such as how much to steer on a parallel park, and approached most roundabouts very cautiously and changing down to 1st unnecessarily. “Don’t change your driving. You can do this easily. Just drive EXACTLY as you have been driving for the last couple of months.” I just hope that last-minute cigarette has calmed her nerves and she drives as I know she can.
I need not have worried. Ashley just passed with 2 minor faults. A fantastic result. So, with Erin’s test on Monday, my pupils are currently enjoying a good run as far as tests are concerned. I shouldn’t speak too soon; I know from experience that a good run can easily be followed by a bad run.

Just one more lesson, with Jamie, then I’m off home to raise a glass to Ashley, Verity, Emma and Adam. Slàinte mhath! or, if you prefer, Cheers!

Be prepared

I used to run a pub, The Cross Keys, in Totternhoe, Bedfordshire. It is believed to have been built in 1433 and, as you might imagine with a building of such age, is the subject of a couple of ghost stories. Ghost stories are particularly associated with old pubs because the cool temperature of cellars meant that they were often used as makeshift mortuaries.

On this very day, fifteen years ago, I had a very creepy experience. It was about 5.40pm and I was getting myself ready so that I could open the pub at 6pm. I had just had a shower and needed a clean shirt. My washing machine was downstairs in the cellar area, so I wrapped a towel round me and went down into the bar to get to the washing machine. It was already very dark and the lights for the bar were on the other side of the room. I walked through the bar and jumped out of my skin when I saw a man, outside and peering in through the window. I didn’t think he had seen me, so I stepped back behind the wall. My heart was pounding and, partly because of the cold, I was shivering. Every now and then, I would look round the wall, but he was still there, both hands and forehead pressed against the window. I could not see his face because the faint yellow glow of the pub car park lights rendered him in silhouette. Because I was only dressed in a towel I didn’t feel entirely comfortable going out to ask him what he wanted, but time was passing by and I had to get a shirt and iron it before I could get dressed and open the pub. I peered round the wall again; he was still there. What did he want? Why was he not moving? By now, my eyes were adjusting to the gloom and I was suddenly hit by a combination of relief and embarrassment; the strange ‘man’ was not a man at all, it was a ‘Guy’ that two of my regulars had made and had dropped off at the pub for the following evening’s bonfire and fireworks.

Therefore, the moral of the story is, ‘Be prepared…. Always have at least one shirt ironed and ready to wear’.

100%

Well.... I took Verity for her test; my first in Grantown-on-Spey. She has been saying for weeks that she would be nervous so I didn't want to make a big thing about the roadworks (which she didn't know about). Thankfully, the rain had eased by the time we got to Grantown, but it was still falling as snow on the mountains.
It is often tempting to bombard pupils with last minute advice just before the test, but it should never be necessary. To ease her nerves I just told her that, if she made a mistake, forget about it and try to show the examiner just how good she really is. I began to talk about the amount of rain and how to deal with this and how to deal with that, then I just shut up and told her to drive exactly as she has been driving. Never try to drive differently just because it is a test.
Grantown-on-Spey is a part-time test centre, so there is no waiting room; the examiner just comes out, checks their eyesight, asks a couple of questions, then they're off while I find a nice wee cafe to wait in.
After 45 minutes they returned and my heart sank when I saw Verity just mount the curb as she parked. I waited for the dreaded opening of the examiner's door... and waited. Then I saw Verity pass over her provisional licence and I knew that she had passed!
After the formalities I thanked Iris, the examiner, and Verity gave me a hug. "I'VE PASSED! I'VE PASSED! How cool is that?!" I showed her where she had mounted the curb and said "Cooler than your parking."
"I know", Verity replied, "She (the examiner) told me off for that but she said that she could see I was a good driver and told me I had passed."

Then we had a nice drive back to Aviemore to drop Verity off, with chat about the snow on the mountains punctuated by Verity repeatedly saying "I can't believe I just passed my driving test! I can't believe I just passed my driving test!" As I have said before, it is these moments which make me LOVE my job.
So, very well-done Verity. Have fun with your driving; I know you will take care.

I'll leave you with a track from Aztec Camera's High Land Hard Rain album - very appropriate today - http://open.spotify.com/track/1TAFgCSLOsyhF5JdwaM23F. Oh, if you're wondering what the '100%' refers to, that's my Pass rate (in Grantown-on-Spey).

More diluvial drama

Yuck. I am currently parked in Grantown-on-Spey High Street and the rain is incessant. So far, it’s not quite as bad (here) as the flooding last month but it has been far worse over in Aberdeenshire, especially Stonehaven and Huntly. Elgin has not suffered as badly as before, but the Lossie and Findhorn rivers are alarmingly high, with the water charging and bucking like an angry serpent.
Over here, in Strathspey, the rain is only one of my concerns. Verity is taking her test (1st attempt) this afternoon and she is not going to have it easy. Her 3.27pm test time will coincide with children leaving school, with their heads down to hide from the rain. The roads are already busy with parked cars, but they will particularly busy at half three.
The rain will cause additional hazards. Not only will she have to be careful on the blind bends on the roads out of Grantown, but she will have to keep an eye out for pedestrians close to puddles. Failure to take appropriate action could easily result in a fail, as a pupil in England found to her cost last year in England. She drove through a puddle, splashing a pedestrian, thus incurring a serious fault (presumably for ‘Awareness/Planning’) and failing her test. She appealed in the courts, unsuccessfully.

My main concern though is the roadworks. Verity’s test has coincided with the week they chose to rip up the whole of the High Street. This should not be a problem normally; roadworks are an accepted pustule on the face of driving. In Grantown however, it is a mess. The temporary traffic lights control three flows of traffic through the town and they are poorly sequenced. Yesterday I was teaching Andy and we were approaching the temporary lights with one car, a Micra, in front of us. The lights changed to red and we were bemused to see the Micra carry on through the lights and park by the pavement (almost blocking the road). One of the roadworkers rushed over to her and explained that she could not stop there and would have to move on. By now, the lights for the opposite flow of traffic had turned green and traffic was making its way towards us. Rather than sit tight and wait for the traffic to squeeze by, the lady in the Micra decided to move off, heading straight for the oncoming traffic. Another roadworker dashed over to her, halted her and moved some cones so that she could temporarily get out of the way, thus avoiding an Alf Roberts-style catastrophe. By the time the whole mess had been cleared, our lights had turned to green and back to red again; presumably with cars behind having no idea why the BSM car was not moving when the lights were green. A few minutes later, we saw an elderly lady getting out of the Micra, having ‘parked’ it at an angle of at least fifteen degrees to the curb.

You may argue that if Verity is good enough to take her test, then she should be able to deal with such problems. You are quite right. If a pupil cannot deal with difficult situations in their test, what will they do when, after they have passed their test, they get a similar situation and they are alone in the car, without help?

Right. The time has come. I’m off to collect Verity.
Incredibly, the rain is getting heavier.

The Not-so-Fantastic Mr Fox.

After the horror story that unfolded at Craven Cottage yesterday (Liverpool losing 1- 3 to Fulham), my enthusiasm for writing a Halloween-related blog has been diminished. However, chatting with my pupil, Nicola, the other day reminded me of a chilling experience that happened to me 25 years ago.
During the 1980s Nicola lived in Edlesborough, a small village near Leighton Buzzard, at the foot of the Chilterns, while I lived a couple of miles away, in a village called Totternhoe. In 1984 the area was shocked by a series of armed rapes, burlaries and assaults that were being commited by the same masked person (Malcolm Fairley) and one of the most horrific attacks took place in Edlesborough. You can read a summary of this at http://www.stalbansreview.co.uk/news/453104.the_hunt_for_the_fox/.
There were was a palpable sense of fear; hardware shops sold out of window locks and security equipment, no-one would leave windows open, and people kept all manner of improvised weapons beneath their pillows. Everyone was terrified. Fairley, wearing a balaclava, would break into houses, make 'dens' out of furniture, then sit in this den, watching television, waiting for the residents to return. Because of this behaviour, the press and the locals referred to him as 'The Fox'.

I was 18 at the time. One Saturday night, in the middle of this Summer, I was out with friends in Leighton Buzzard. Somehow, I missed my lift home. The last bus had gone and my parents were away on holiday, so I had no choice but to walk the 5 miles home, along dark, country lanes; my heart pumping everytime I saw car headlights.
As I have said, my parents (and youngest brother, Chris) were away, on holiday. My other brother, Ian, was also away, on holiday with friends in Dorset, meaning I was on my own for the weekend. So, as I rounded the last corner, and could finally see the sanctuary of home, I was puzzled to see a couple of lights on downstairs - I had gone out when it was daylight, so was sure I had not turned on any lights. My puzzlement turned to anxiety when I saw that the back door was unlocked; I had definitely locked it. What should I do? There were only a couple of nearby houses, but it was far too late at night for me to knock on their doors and tell them that I was worried because our house was unlocked. I edged in to the kitchen and strained to listen for any sounds... nothing. One of the lights that had been turned on was the downstairs bathroom so I peeked in there and saw the bath, half-full of water, with blood curdling out from some clothing. My goosebumps became goosemountains and I was sure my heartbeat was now loud enough to alert anyone in the house. Returning to the kitchen, I grabbed a carving knife in one hand and a pair of scissors in the other. I crept from the kitchen to the lounge and my heart did a double somersault when I saw that the television was on, although programmes had finished (it was before 24 hour television). It must be The Fox.
When you watch horror films and they walk into a house, they try to switch on a light and nothing happens, then the scary music starts. You sit there thinking 'Run! Don't go any further in the house! Just get out and run for your life.' I was just thinking those exact thoughts when I saw my brother, Ian, lying face-down on the sofa. What? Why was he here? Who else was in the house? Why was he lying face-down? Why were there blood-soaked clothes in the bath?
Ian had been on holiday with some friends, as I have said. He had had too much to drink, cut himself quite badly on some glass and decided to come home early. When he got home he out his stained clothes in the bath to soak and fallen asleep on the sofa, watching television. The next day it became a funny tale I would tell my friends, but, I have to admit, I have never been that scared before or since.

Bittersweet

An unusually early start this morning. Emma had a 8.40am test, so I had to set off at 6.45 to pick her up from Lossiemouth. Dark purple clouds were cut by gashes of crimson, so the dawn sky looked like a Cocteau Twins album cover.

Emma has been with me since the Spring and was hoping to pass so that she could get her new business up and running. She has started up a company, ‘Ambience’, which specialises in venue styling, for example, weddings. I am more than happy to plug her business http://www.ambiencevenuestyling.com/ and you should not consider any alternatives if you are in northern Scotland. Anyway, back to the driving: She will probably be happy to admit that she did not deserve to pass 1st time, but was robbed on her 2nd attempt (she crept above the speed limit on a long, clear 30mph road). Therefore, I was probably as delighted as she was when she passed this morning. Very well done Emma. Take care on the roads and good luck with your business.

Congratulations also, to Adam, who passed, 1st time, yesterday. This meant 3 passes and 1 fail this week. Adam has been particularly thorough in continually striving to improve his driving. He learned very quickly and bought himself a car to practice in, but bad habits started to creep in. Extra practice between lessons is usually beneficial, but be careful that increased confidence doesn’t become overconfidence. Anyway, I pointed out these sloppy habits to him and he instantly went back to driving as he was taught.

As always, I am really pleased when my pupils pass but, occasionally, the feelings are slightly mixed. Both Emma and Adam have been great pupils: Funny, polite, keen to learn and good company. But their success means that they are off on their own now and they don’t need me anymore (sob). Adam is keen to undertake the Pass Plus course, so it will interesting to see if his driving changes over the next few weeks (I hope not).

I have three more pupils taking their test next week so, if that week is as successful as this week has been, I will have several vacancies for new pupils. So, if you are half as funny, polite, keen and entertaining as Emma and Adam, I will now consider taking you on as a pupil.

Autumnwatch

I wonder if I can claim a First? I think I may be the first UK Driving Instructor to have a lesson (very briefly) held up by Reindeer. Real reindeer too; not a shiny red nose in sight. I was in Aviemore with my pupil, Andy. He is a ski and snowboard technician and wanted help on driving up the winding mountain roads to the ski resort. No snow to deal with, but persistent rain added to the challenge. He did very well. It is all about reading the road, planning ahead and choosing speed and gears in advance. As we descended back down past Loch Morlich, I could see a lady in a fluorescent vest walking up the mountain, giving a perfect demonstration of the 'slow(ing) down' arm signal. We slowed right down and watched as she herded 6 or 7 reindeer along the road. Red Deer are a common sight in the Highlands, as are Red Squirrels, and I have also seen Golden Eagles, Red Kites, Owl, Seals and even Dolphins (in the Moray Firth). But the Reindeer were a nice surprise.
Aviemore is also home to The Cairngorm Sled-Dog centre where you can ride in a sled behind a team of Siberian Huskies. I have not done that (yet), but we have watched the Husky sleds race through Culbin Forest. A thrilling sight (especially for our three dogs), but we were glad we weren't horse-riding at the time; that would have been a bit too exciting.
One creature I haven't yet seen is the Sinistral Haggis. The Dextral Haggis (also known as the Common Haggis) is often spotted on the higher slopes of the mountains. Their right legs are longer than their left, which means it is comfortable for them to graze clockwise around the mountains. The Sinistral Haggis however, has longer left legs. This means it has to face the opposite way (anticlockwise) on the mountain, otherwise it topples over. It's a rare beastie indeed.

Currently in Elgin Test Centre, waiting for Glynn, on his second test. A beautiful cloudless day here, with temperatures predicted to reach 19C; fantastic for this time of year. The trouble is, the low autumn sun can make visibility very difficult; especially after last night's rain. In the lesson before his test, Glynn was struggling to see at one roundabout because the sun was directly in his eyes. I suggested that he invested in a good pair of sunglasses to keep in his car. "I've already got a pair for driving." "Well, put them on then." I replied. "They're in my car at home." Doh!
This is the second test (after Andrew) of quite a busy period for me as far as tests are concerned. Obviously, I want them all to pass, but if they all pass in the next three weeks I lose a third of my pupils. And if they all pass in the next five weeks, I lose half of my pupils. A bit worrying with the festive season on the horizon.

Tonight I can forget about driving for a short while. Jane and I are taking Maggie to see the incomparable Julie Fowlis at Eden Court theatre, Inverness. You may remember that we went to see her a few months back, in Fochabers, but Maggie hasn't seen her before (and it is sad that Robert, Maggie's husband, never did get to see her; he would have loved her). Besides, you can't have too much of a good thing.

(An hour later) Sadly, Glynn didn't pass. Of all the pupils I have up for test over these few weeks, Glynn was one I would have been tempted to bet money on him passing. In the last few minutes of the lesson before his test he came up to a T-junction, stopped to wait for a gap in the traffic, then, just before he went to move off I had to remind him to select 1st gear (he was in 2nd). Perhaps that should have set alarm bells ringing in my head, but it was nothing I have ever had to remind about before (at least, not for a long time). Of course, he did exactly the same thing in the test, forgot to select 1st gear, tried to pull out of a T-junction in 2nd and stalled. There was no other traffic, but the examiner obviously thought it was potentially dangerous, so she failed him. Perhaps the sun was too bright and he could not see which gear he was in (I am joking). Bring your sunglasses next time Glynn.

Happy Days

Monday morning and I've got that Friday feeling. I am one very happy bunny. The clue is in the photo. Yes, it was an absolute trouncing. We completely destroyed them and make them look like a schoolboy team. Can you believe it.... Ayr 1, Inverness Caledonian Thistle 5 (FIVE).
Of course, there was also the tiny matter of Liverpool beating Man Utd 2 - 0. Admittedly, I have kept very quiet about my support for Liverpool recently; cowardly, I know. Selling Xavi Alonso has left a huge whole in our midfield, which has resulted in 6 defeats already this season - four of them in the preceding four games. Hard to imagine even the most optimistic of Liverpool fans betting large sums on the reds beating Manchester United on Sunday, despite the fact that we beat them twice last season. Anyway, I won't wobble on too much because you won't care (unless you are also a Liverpool fan) but, you have to admit.... Torres is a god (and Richie Foran, Inverness' Hat-trick hero is an apprentice god... at least this week).
I am now parked up in Aviemore, with ten minutes to spare before Andy's lesson. I have just come from Inverness Test Centre where Andrew passed, first time, with five minor faults. Very well done, Andrew. I had the impression you didn't think you could do it, but the test really isn't so bad, is it? Just like another lesson, really.
Time to go. Here's hoping your week is as wonderful as the start of mine.

Gravity sucks

I got home the other day to see a Post-It note on the fridge, ‘Martin - Abseil - Raigmore?’ Apparently, my step-daughter, Anna, thinks its would be a good idea for me to abseil from the top of the Raigmore tower for charity (not sure which charity yet). Curious that she doesn’t think it would be a ‘good idea’ for her to do it. A few years ago I would have found the words “Yeah, sure” leaving my lips quicker than Fernando Torres turns Nemanja Vidic. Now, however, I get my adrenaline fixes from teaching people how to drive, so I may need some gentle cajoling to do this.


Although I have never abseiled, and the idea does appeal, I just can’t see it providing as much of a thrill as parachuting. Somehow, one night in The Cross Keys, our barmaid, Sam, and one of the regulars, Terry, thought that, as part of our annual charity fund-raising, the three of us should do a parachute jump.

We travelled up to Sibson airfield, near Peterborough (and bordering the A1, which was a tad worrying). After a day and a half of training, the time had come. We strapped our chutes on and clambered into the Islander aeroplane. We were doing a ‘static-line’ jump, which meant that the tops of our packs were connected to the plane by a line. When you jump the line goes taught and opens the chute automatically (hopefully). We were equipped with a spare chute, which would have to be operated manually if the first chute had not deployed within four seconds of leaving the plane.

There were seven of us jumping and, so that everyone could be dropped in roughly the same place, the plan was that the first person would jump, the plane would circle round to the same place and drop the next two, then circle round again and drop two more etc. I was No.2. As the first person got ready to jump the plane slowed to almost stalling speed, Cornelia, the jump-master gave the command, ‘Go’, and he dropped from the plane, counting “One thousand - two thousand - three thousand - four thousand” as he went.

As the plane circled round to the drop point, I had to shuffle forward to the open door. I will never forget the feeling when I heard the engine slow down and I had to swing my legs outs the door and perch, with just my right bum cheek and my hands in the plane. You are warned not to look down, but I couldn’t help it. It was only about 2,500’, but the Earth still looks a very long way down at that height. Before I could gulp Cornelia shouted ‘Go’ and I flung myself out from the plane. I assumed the ‘starfish’ position and began my count. Unless you have done a parachute (or bungee) jump, you have no idea how quickly you accelerate and plummet to Earth. Later, Sam told me my count changed from a shout to a scream - “One thousand - two thousand - THREE THOUS - FOOOOOUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!!!” I looked up and watching my parachute billow out above me was such a blissful sight. The gentle float down was all very nice and my much-rehearsed landing was textbook, but the most vivid memory was of that drop in the first few seconds.

Sam and Terry landed safely, about a minute later. “WWOWW!!” was the agreed reaction (it was in the days before OMG!! was invented). We all wanted to get back up there and do it again.

Terry and I continued to go regularly over the next year, or so. I progressed to freefall jumping, with higher altitudes and increasingly longer delays before pulling the ripcord. This meant faster speeds and longer thrills, but that very first jump remains my favourite memory.


I can see the Raigmore tower from where I am currently parked. After writing about parachuting, it doesn’t look very high, although I am sure it will look high enough when I go up there…. if I go up there.

Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby..... RUBY!

Aaaarrrrrrrgggggghh! Ruby had her 4th attempt at the driving test today. The title of this blog, and the opening word immediately ruins the suspense and tells you that she failed... again.
I was so confident about Ruby; but then, I was confident on her previous three attempts too. I have had plenty of pupils pass who were good drivers, but a bit.....'raw'. When Ruby drives it is like being in the car with a friend who has been driving for years. Perhaps this is a bad thing. Perhaps I need to intensely scrutinise every minute aspect of her driving to a greater extent. The problem is, during her lessons, she just doesn't make mistakes. But, when it comes to the test, something happens and she makes silly mistakes.
This time she came up to a STOP sign, almost stopped, but saw it was clear and immediately drove off. Unfortunately, you have to demonstrate to the examiner that you know it is a 'stop' and not a 'give way', regardless of whether you can see it is safe to proceed.
Ruby knows this, just as she knew not to exceed the speed limit in her second test, but some little devil sat on her shoulder and told her "What are you stopping for? It's clear to go."
So, a new record for me; a pupil now going for their 5th attempt. At least she has moved past the 'upset' stage. She is now quite philosophical about it all and joking that she wants to get to know the examiners well enough so that she can send them Christmas cards.
It won't happen. She WILL pass next time. I just need to find a way of keeping those little devils off her shoulders.

Driving away from dropping Ruby off I was cheered by Fearne Cotton playing this track http://open.spotify.com/track/6ACPfkfDfJfGGE4oKfbiRY on the radio. How refreshing, in a Louis Prima, King of the Swingers, kind of way.

The Iceman cometh

Another stunning day here. The temperature reached a very pleasant 19C a few days back - you quickly forget how nice it is to drive with the windows down - but, although today was not as warm, the clarity of the air enhanced the vibrancy of the autumn colours and I desperately wished I hadn't broken my camera a couple of weeks back.
It was a different story first thing this morning, though. I had to scrape ice off my windscreen and, as I drove over Dava moor, on my way to meet Verity in Aviemore, the temperature dropped to -2C. So, only halfway through October and already we have had snow on the mountains and minus temperatures.

I suspect that this is going to be the first of several reports of icy conditions. I just hope it doesn't get as bad as last January, when the temperature dropped to -18C in Grantown-on-Spey. On of BSM's instructors missed two days work because the diesel in his tank froze. Bizarrely, despite the freakish temperatures last winter, I only had one test cancelled due to poor weather, and that was due to snow.... in October!

My main worry is my wife, Jane. She has a part-time job collecting/returning schoolchildren from Glen Ferness and other areas the coaches cant reach. A job she enjoys during the warmer months, but it gets a bit scary during the winter. Last year there were days when the snow by the side of the road had been ploughed higher than her minibus. I have to commend the local authorities on how efficient they usually are at gritting the roads around here, but Jane often has to drive along roads which remain untouched by gritters.

I hope to post some advice for driving in snow/icy conditions over the next few weeks but, until then, the simplest advice I can give is 'don't drive in such conditions unless it is absolutely necessary'.

So, until the weather gets too silly, I look forward to my trips over the moors to Aviemore, especially if they are as spectacular as this morning. My choice of CD was Four Calendar Cafe by The Cocteau Twins. Elizabeth Fraser breathing her vocals all over me while the lightest of mists lay draped over the Spey glen added a cinematic quality to the drive. http://open.spotify.com/track/6FtcMwa3UsYCKFYTJ1kW04

(p.s. No, the photo is not of the Highlands. Actually, I don't know where the photo was taken, I just think it is an incredible scene - click on the photo to emlarge it)