Can you hear the drums Fernando?

All (relatively) quiet on the Northern front at the moment, weather is 'benign', pupils are behaving themselves and the less secular have had little cause to comment on my blog. I even had someone from BSM suggesting that my blog was 'a bit boring recently'. I cried all the way home.
Fortunately, things get a bit more exciting over the next few weeks. Several new pupils starting (Two of them called me while I had popped into the BSM office in Inverness for a social visit.... I shall have to drop by their office more often!) and a few pupils have tests looming. After the doldrums of late November/December, it is pleasing to get the wind back in the sails and be able to plan weeks ahead, rather than days.

Today's gap in lessons means I can keep an eye on football's transfer deadline day. It always baffles me why nothing much happens all through January, then, on the last day, clubs go mad (or is it just the media?) and there is a mad rush for last-minute deals. Obviously disappointed that Fernando Torres handed in his transfer request, but he is not having a great season and, if Liverpool can get £40 - 50 million for him, it will be quite good business. I remember how disappointed I was when I heard Liverpool had sold Robbie Fowler to Leeds. Torres may be very good, but he's not 'God'. It may be possible that you are not familiar with Robbie's genius, so there is a very brief intro to his amazing finishing at the end of this post. Whether it was scoring a 4-minute hat-trick past David Seaman, lobbing Peter Schmeichel, overhead kicks, pinpoint freekicks or blistering volleys, he could score with either foot (and his headers were pretty good too). If you read the comments on YouTube that follow the video, you will see that even Man Utd fans had an admiration for him. Last I heard, he was still scoring hat-tricks in the Australian league.

Not too sure about the rumours that Liverpool are to spend up to £35 million for Andy Carroll, but I'm not going to question King Kenny's decisions....not yet.

Life, the universe and everything.

A quiz for you: (answers are at the end of this post)
1. Name Blondie's 6 UK No.1 singles.
2. Which Dicken's novel includes the characters Bentley Drummle, Mr. Jaggers and Compeyson?
3. Name the 7 capital cities of Central America (from North to South).
4. Which grape variety is used to make Beaujolais wine?
5. Name 7 of Islay's malt whisky distilleries.
6. Which former England captain scored the English Premier League's fastest hat-trick?
7. Which 1996 film starred Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Danny DeVito, Annette Benning, Pierce Brosnan and Michael J Fox?
8. List the 6 geological periods of the Palaeozoic era.
9. Which 6 English batsmen scored centuries in the 2010/2011 Ashes series?
10. Name the six murder weapons found in Cluedo.

I enjoy quizzes (I used to compile and host them in my pubs) and, if asked, I could have reeled off the answers to the above without much hesitation (maybe I would have been a little unsure about whether El Salvador's capital lay north or south of Hondura's capital). Hooray! Bully for me! But, really, this knowledge is rarely of use. Put me in a pub quiz or put me in the instructor's seat of a car and I am very confident in my knowledge.
Ask me something a little less black or white - Which is the best Islay whisky? What should we do with the garden this Spring? Why is anyone interested in what Katie Price does? Is it acceptable to serve Shark's fin soup or Foie Gras in a restaurant? Do any of the clothes in my wardrobe suit me? Why are some drivers considerate in their approach to learner drivers, where others treat learner drivers as though they were something they have just stepped in? Are blood transfusions wrong? Is there a God? - and I am a little less sure-footed in my reply. I have my opinions (apart from where it concerns my wardrobe - I could hardly care less), but I can usually see that alternative opinions may have some validity.

My last post was the result of being repeatedly hassled by telesales. I know the score, they are just doing their job, and they NEED someone to agree to buy adverts (or whatever else they are selling). The simple fact that they were really struggling to sell me something reminded me of a time, when I was much younger, when Jehovah's Witnesses would call at our house. This post has attracted attention from people who were putting 'Jehovah' into their search engines. Now, it is very easy to make cheap, throwaway comments about Jehovah's Witnesses, or any other group of people, so perhaps me posting about something that was slightly beyond the realm of my knowledge was not best advised. As a result, I have made further research and found some of the information quite interesting and even illuminating.
It may be true that blood transfusions have taken place unnecessarily, and it is certainly encouraging that science is looking at alternatives to blood transfusion. However, my opinion is that, if it is the difference between life or death, then it is always necessary.
No-one KNOWS exactly how the universe (and life) was created, there are no surviving witnesses. We have three choices. We can either say "I don't care what happened, maybe there was a creator, maybe there wasn't." We could say "Centuries of scientific research, experiments, data collection and analysis seem to suggest that the universe was formed almost 14 BILLION years ago, the Earth began to form approximately 4.5 BILLION years ago, and life on Earth began, through abiogenesis (organic matter being formed from inorganic matter through chemical processes which have been demonstrated in laboratories), over 3.5 BILLION years ago and has evolved into the variety of life we have on Earth today." Or we could say "God created the universe and all life, but we don't know when and we certainly don't know how."
Now, 'life, the universe and everything' lies beyond the area of my expertise (driving and other trivia), so I only have my opinions. I believe that, until someone discovers a quark, lepton, boson (or any other sub-atomic particle) with God's signature on it, I will believe that some physical reaction created the universe. Similarly, I believe that the WEALTH of fossil evidence (including that of those 3.5 billion year-old microbes) clearly suggest that all life on Earth evolved from very simple single-cell organisms.
I also believe that Katie Price's life should be of no interest to anyone except her friends and close family, and I believe that, even if L-plates were 2 metres wide and in flashing lights, some drivers would still drive dangerously close to them.
But I welcome all alternative beliefs.

Quiz answers:
1. Heart of glass, Sunday girl, Atomic, Call me, The tide is high, Maria.
2. Great Expectations.
3. Belmopan (Belize), Guatemala City (Guatemala), Tegucigalpa (Honduras), San Salvador (El Salvador), Managua (Nicaragua), San Jose (Costa Rica), Panama City (Panama).
4. Gamay.
5. Ardbeg, Bowmore, Bruichladdich, Bunnahabhain, Caol Ila, Kilchoman, Lagavulin, Laphroaig, Port Charlotte, Port Ellen.
6. Robbie 'God' Fowler.
7. Mars Attacks!
8. Cambrian, Ordovician, Silurian, Devonian, Carboniferous, Permian.
9. Cook, Strauss, Pietersen, Bell, Trott, Prior.
10. Candlestick, dagger, lead piping, rope, revolver, spanner.

Happy Days

Congratulations to Steven on passing his test, first time, in Inverness this morning. About time too! Steven started with me waaaayyy back, several years ago when I was a mere boy with BSM (ok, 'mere boy' may have been a slight exaggeration). Changes of address, forgetting to take his licence to his Theory Test (not clever) and other reasons have caused his lessons to be sporadic, to say the least. I have to be honest, when he called me in November to ask if he could resume his lessons, I did wonder 'how long for this time?'. It's irrelevant now, he went off in the wrong direction in the independent driving section, but otherwise passed with ease and it was nice to hear the examiner compliment him on his drive.
He was looking forward to getting home in time to watch his team, Rangers, play Hearts, for what he hoped would add to his enjoyment of the day, but Hearts had other ideas. My day continued to improve, however, as Liverpool finally began to show a bit of form in beating Wolves 0 - 3. I know you're probably not interested, but, this season, all wins are a bit of a relief.

The devils of advertising and the existence of God.

Are we being lulled into a false sense of springtime? Up here in the Highlands the temperature has recently had maximum temperatures of 8-10C (and I mean PLUS 8-10) the last few days, with an extra bonus of some generous sunshine. It feels odd not having the car heater on and walking without a jacket. I've probably jinxed it now..... the third week in january is far too early to start getting optimistic about the weather.

I seem to have been bombarded by telesales of late. barely a day goes by without some company offering me 'exclusive' advertising, or priority listings, on Google, Yell or Facebook. Usually when they call it is at an inconvenient time, so I interrupt them before they launch into their interminable spiel and I end the call. Today, they timed it perfectly, just as I had finished the lesson and had an hour's gap before the next; so I decided to listen to what they had to say. After fifteen minutes they finally got around to asking me to commit. I politely said that it was an interesting idea (bad move), but I wasn't interested at this time. Strangely, as he became more desperate, offering better deals and dropping the price, I began to get a perverse please from his desperation. After nearly nearly forty minutes I had to put him out of his misery by telling him that I was going to end the call so that I could get to my next lesson.

It is rare to have the luxury of having time to take these calls. It reminded me of when I was a student at the University of Birmingham, living in the Selly Park area. Jehovah's Witnesses were regular callers and, like most people, I would answer the door, say "No thank you", and shut the door. One day - I must have been in a Christian mood - I listened while they went on about The Creation and, being a geology student, I began to question them about the age of the Earth. The more they struggled to answer my questions about the consistency of isotope dating, the time required for light to reach us from distant galaxies, helioseismic dating and the fossil record proving that the Earth (and the universe) is likely to be in excess of four billion years old (the universe considerably more), the more I enjoyed their visit. I would later enjoy further visits from Jehovah's Witnesses when I grilled them about the morality of refusing blood transfusions and the existence of God in a world of genocide and natural disasters. They probably walked away from my door muttering "bloody students".

Like most people, I find my time increasingly precious. So, if you want to sell me something, whether it is advertising, religion, or something else I don't want, I hope you have plenty of time........ because I might be in the mood to waste it.

Cruel to be kind

Horrible, horrible, horrible.
Following on from my last post, where I talked about "Zoe's" troubles, today was the day where we had to decide whether she should postpone her test, which is booked for next week.
Obviously, when someone starts a course of driving lessons, it is because they want to pass their driving test and gain that wonderful freedom to drive wherever they want, when they want. Because driving lessons cost money, it is understandable that most people want to pass as quickly as possible. In 'Zoe's' case, she has been patient and taken years (and several driving instructors). I will take immense pride from being the instructor that finally gives her the ability and confidence to drive solo and pass her test. 'Drive solo' - That is what the examiners are, ultimately, asking themselves, "Do I think this person will be fine driving on his/her own, in all situations?" It is the same question I ask myself when I consider whether a pupil should apply for their test. I have said before, I sometimes ask myself 'would I be happy for this person to drive my granchildren around?'
Today I simply told 'Zoe' that she was on her own, but I would give directions (i.e. test conditions). If she got into a problem, she would have to get herself out of it.
At the end of the lesson I knew that she was not yet ready. Our respective work commitments meant that we probably would not be able to fit in more than one more lesson before her test, which was not enough in my opinion. Usually this is not a problem, we simply postpone the test for a few weeks. Unfortunately, 'Zoe's' theory test pass was nearly two years ago and a postponement would mean that her theory test would be invalid. Either way she was going to lose money: If she cancels her test, she would have to retake her theory; but if she went ahead and took her test, I thought it would be unlikely that she would pass, therefore, a waste of money. Besides, the examiners would take a dim view of me if I put someone forward for a test who I did not think would pass.
She was naturally very upset and berated herself for all the hours (and money) she had spent on her driving. Her initial reaction was to say that 'she was going to give up driving, she is obviously not a 'natural driver', and she was going to spend her money (that she would otherwise spend on lessons) on holidays, clothes and things that make her feel good'. Now, I'm not going to give up on anyone, but, at the same time, I'm not going to bully them when they least feel like it. I tried to emphasise all that is really good about her driving and to remind her that she is actually very close to being ready to drive solo or, if you prefer, 'test-ready'. She got out of the car, still very upset, and we agreed that she would take a few weeks break, see how she felt after that, then work on any aspects of her driving that were lacking in confidence.
Several hours and a few other lessons later, I still feel bad about telling her to cancel her test. She has text me to apologise for getting upset, but I told her not to be daft and to enjoy her few weeks away from driving (or from me). It was an horrible feeling, as we neared the end of that lesson, knowing that I would have to advise her against taking her test, but, it is my responsibilty to make sure my pupils are safe drivers. I couldn't honestly say that 'Zoe' is a safe driver............. but she will be one day.

(Thinking of the title for this post has got me singing this all afternoon - not out loud you will be relieved to hear.)

"Because my instructor said so....."

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, but I needed to scream and I feel much better now.
What's the problem? With King Kenny re-crowned at Anfield and pupil numbers rising, what on Earth could make me want to scream?
A few days ago everything was rosy. England had comprehensively beaten the Aussies and I had bookings from couple of new pupils, along with several existing pupils booking extra lessons, meaning that business was looking good. My pupil, Alanna, passed her test, first time, in Elgin, with five minor faults, and the worst of the weather seemed to have passed.
This morning I had my regular lesson with 'Zoe' (not her real name). Zoe has been learning to drive, on and off, for years, with a variety of instructors. She began her lessons with me back in September and, at the end of the lesson, asked me whether I thought she could pass before February (because that is when her Theory Test pass expires). I don't like to make any false promises but, based on her driving in that lesson and the fact that we had 4/5 months, I was confident we could get her through her test before then.
Unfortunately, with her test only weeks away, things are not going to plan. In many ways, her driving is excellent - she has very good awareness and a good 'feel' for the controls - but she doubts her own abilities and this makes her hesitant (on manoeuvres, as well as in her general driving). She knows what she should do, so I thought it was just a case of practice to increase her confidence, but it doesn't seem to be working.
Whenever a pupil has previously had lessons with another instructor, I try not to change what they have already been taught as it may only confuse them. Also, you have to take what pupils say about previous instructors with a pinch of salt - it is very easy for them to blame their weaknesses on someone else. But with 'Zoe', I sometimes feel like tearing my hair out at some of the things she does - and I don't think it is her fault.
Last week, having no snow, we returned to the reversing manoeuvres and started with reversing into a bay. Nice, slow speed, good observations, but she had turned too sharply. Not a problem, all she had to do was take some of the turn off, just begin straightening up a little earlier. She did not do this and, consequently, ended up over the line.
"How did you decide when to straighten up?" I asked.
"When I'm almost at 12 o'clock."
"Why is that?"
"Because that's what my last instructor told me".
"OK. But why?"
"I don't know."
I explained (or reminded) that she should look to straighten-up only when the back of the car is heading towards the bay, and that if she straightened up at 'almost 12 o'clock', she would only finish in the bay if she had turned at precisely the right time and at precisely the right speed. If she turns too early or too quickly (in relation to the speed of the car) she will finish before her target bay, and, if she turns too late or too slowly, she will finish beyond her target bay. But either can be rectified.
While practising parallel parking today, everything was going well - nice control, effective all-round observation and it looked as though it was going to swing in perfectly. Then, for some reason, she straightened up too early and reversed into the curb. I praised her for the first 90% of the manoeuvre, but asked her why she had straightened up when she did.
"My last instructor said that I need to keep as close to the curb as possible."
"Why?"
"So that my car isn't sticking out and causing problems to other cars."
"Good. But make sure your back wheel is going to clear the curb first before you worry about trying to bring the car very close."
"That's not what my last instructor said."
All sorts of thoughts filled my mind at this point, few of which were positive.
"So it's ok to reverse into the curb?"
No answer. We persevered and, watching the gap between the car and curb start to appear first, started to have more success.
Towards the end of the lesson I noticed that we didn't seem to be getting the car going when it was safe to do so and a van was impatiently driving quite close behind us. Rather than looking up the road ahead, 'Zoe' was constantly switching her vision between the mirrors and the windscreen. I asked her not to worry too much about her side mirrors for the moment, but to concentrate on the road ahead so that she could keep to an appropriate speed.
We pulled up and discussed the situation.
"What's the speed limit here?"
"30"
"Good. Was it safe to do 30?"
"I think so."
"Yes, there wasn't much in the way of hazards, so the van behind you would have been puzzled at why you were only hovering around 20mph."
Problem identified and Zoe already knew the consequenses of holding up traffic, so no further analysis necessary. But what was the remedy?
"Why were you constantly checking your mirrors?"
"Because my last instructor told me I should."
This was beginning to sound familiar.
"Why?" (She must have been getting sick of me asking this question)
"I don't know..." (I was getting sick of this answer) "...He just told me I should keep sweeping my vision around the mirrors and if I didn't do it he would shout 'MIRRORS!'"
I had to be careful here; usually I have to remind pupils to check mirrors, so I was reluctant to ask her to check her mirrors less, but it was taking her focus off the road ahead and causing her to slow down.
I explained that she needed to know what was happening behind her whenever there was any potential for a change of speed or direction, but if she was about to move out to overtake a parked car (for example), it was unlikely she would need to check her left mirror on approach.

The point I am trying to make was not that she was struggling with some of the manoeuvres, or that she was holding up the van behind. What frustrated me was that she seems to have been given a lot of instruction without explaining why. I said earlier that when pupils refer to previous instruction I usually take it with a pinch of salt. It may have been the case that her previous instructor had explained why she should check her mirrors etc, but that's not the impression I am getting. Many instructors use reference points (although they don't use them themself when driving). That's fine IF you take it further and explain how those points may change in different cars and how to adapt. If you are learning to drive, do you always understand what your instructor tells you? If not, ask. There are lots of really good instructors out there who will know why 'Mirror-signal-position-speed-gear-look' is in the order it is. They will know why it is incorrect to find the 'bite point' of the clutch when your foot is on the brake. And they will know when and why you should check you mirrors. If they don't know the answers to your questions, consider finding a better instructor. I was horrified by a pupil's response a couple of years ago when I asked them why they need to check all round the car (after they had reversed into a bay without a single glance away from her mirrors) - she replied "Because my instructor told me I would fail my test if I didn't look round." I'm not joking, unfortunately.
Driving is not something that can be learned from a textbook. Basic skill have to be developed and transferred to more complex circumstances. But, at all times, there has to be a comprehension of why the driver needs to move a hand, eye, or foot. And is NOT becuase 'you will fail your test if you don't'.

Warning: This post contains flashing lights

You recognise a friend. It is safe for the car that is overtaking you to return to their lane. The oncoming car has forgotten to switch their main beam off. Another car hasn't realised they are driving in the dark without lights. You want the car ahead of you to speed up or change lanes. You want to tell the driver of the car ahead that you are about to overtake. You are telling another car that you will give way to them. You are telling the pedestrian they can cross the road. You are warning other drivers of a hazard. You are telling abother driver that there is something wrong with their car. You are celebrating. You are warning other road users of your presence. You are warning other drivers of a police speed trap. Have you ever flashed your headlights on any of these occasions? When other drivers have flashed their lights at you did you always know what they meant?

A couple of years ago, my pupil (in the blue car) was approaching the situation in this diagram. Parked cars on both sides of the road meant that there was not quite enough room for us and the oncoming red car to pass safely. My pupil slowed and watched to see what the red car would do. He slowed to walking speed and flashed his headlights. We took this to mean that he was giving way to us. Unfortunately, the drivers of both the yellow car and the green car thought the same thing and we all moved forward. Who were the flashing lights for? Good question - only the driver of the red car knew for sure. I use this example a lot with my pupils to demonstrate the confusion that can be caused by flashing headlights. In this example, there was nothing wrong with the red car giving way to us (we had equal priority), but by simply slowing down he would have made his intentions clear. Of course, it is possible that the yellow and green cars may still have thought the red car was giving way to them, but I hope they would have been a bit more cautious about emerging at the crossroads.
As far as The Highway Code is concerned, it states:
"110 - Flashing headlights. Only flash your headlights to let other road users know that you are there. Do not flash your headlights to convey any other message or intimidate other road users."
So, flashing your headlights should only be to warn others of your presence. In fact, in many other countries (such as France), a driver flashing his/her headlights at you is warning you that they have priority and you should give way.
The Highway Code also states:
"111 - Never assume that flashing headlights is a signal inviting you to proceed. Use your own judgement and proceed carefully."
I usually find that, when my pupil is waiting at a T-junction or crossroads and an oncoming car flashes them (presumably telling them to go) it puts pressure on them to go, causing them to rush and (especially in a petrol car) stall. I know and my pupils know that the other driver is trying to be nice, but we would much rather you didn't (unless traffic has stopped or is barely moving). Giving way when you have priority may be courteous to the other driver, but it is not courteous to the traffic behind you which is now having to slow down or stop unnecessarily.

You may have seen (or heard) about Mr Michael Thompson, who has been convicted of 'perverting the course of justice' (see this link) and fined £175 (plus £265 costs) after he was caught flashing his headlights to warn oncoming drivers about a police speed trap ahead. His defence was that, by warning other motorists, he was encouraging them to drive safely by warning them to slow down. On TV and radio there have been 'experts' defending Mr Thompson, repeating his claims that he was acting in the interest of safety. But I am not convinced. Does Mr Thompson flash his lights to warn other motorists about a sharp bend he has just passed? Does he flash his lights to warn oncoming motorists to slow down because they are approaching a pedestrian crossing? And how about schools? cyclists? junctions? If Mr Thompson flashes his lights everytime he thinks oncoming motorists should slow down (in the interest of safety, of course) his car would look like a strobe light and his left hand would have RSI.
And ask yourself the following question: If someone flashed their lights to warn you of a police speed trap (assuming you correctly guessed that that is why you were being flashed), would you
a - Slow down because you realised that driving above the speed limit is potentially dangerous?
or
b - Slow down because you didn't want to get caught, fined and penalised, but speed up again once you were past the police?

Maybe car manufacturers should install an extra light that, when flashed in response, means "I can see you are flashing your lights, but are you flashing them at me or someone else? And what the hell are you telling me by flashing your lights?. Perhaps you should just concentrate on your own driving and not worry about mine. Thanks. Have a nice day."

In with the new

Do you ever suffer from earworms? Earworms are songs that get in your head and repeat endlessly, usually until they are ousted by another song. I don’t know about you, but I often find they are songs I really don’t to hear once, let alone ad infinitum. I was horrified the other day to find the GoCompare tune repeating endlessly in my head; after checking my reflection to make sure I had not grown some silly wavy moustache, I made it my New Year’s resolution to never go near the GoCompare website and to mute the telly whenever their ad comes on. It was a massive relief this morning to realise, as I got out of bed to make myself a cup of tea, that GoCompare had been replaced and I was now humming Happy House by Siouxsie and The Banshees. I haven’t heard Happy House for ages, so who knows where that particular earworm came from.

I really enjoyed this Christmas. A few days before, I had found Doris, our Parsons Terrier, behaving very strangely. Usually, she is full of life, always hoping that we will take her on yet ANOTHER walk, even if she has already spent the morning running 20 miles alongside Jane on her horse. So it was quite worrying to find her with no appetite for food or exercise and quite an ‘old’ look on her face. Now Jane and I believe in vets about as much as we believe politicians, so we kept her warm and tried to entice her with chicken (which she would normally bite our hand off for) from time to time. Unfortunately, she seemed to be getting more sick and, going off to Ullapool for a few days before Christmas Eve, I dreaded Jane calling me with bad news.

I returned from Ullapool to find her still very ill, so it was the best Christmas present imaginable to wake up Saturday morning, go into the kitchen and see Doris get out of bed and do her funny little dance towards me, tail wagging furiously. After that, Christmas was guaranteed to be a good one, and so it was, with excess of food, drink, family and fun (not to mention England’s fantastic performance in the 4th Ashes test - I didn’t jinx them this time).

I gave myself a few days off, but it was nice to get back to work Wednesday, particularly as most of the snow and ice had now gone. Having said that, I believe that those pupils who did continue their lessons really benefited from the experience. I had one particular pupil in Lossiemouth who had a lesson on one of the worst days. When conditions are really bad I always give them the option of skipping the lesson if they don’t feel comfortable, but Anthony was determined to have his weekly lesson. With significantly less traffic braving the weather, I taught him how to make effective use of the controls, particularly the clutch and gears to cope with some very tricky situations. It was very rewarding for me to watch Anthony handle the car far better than most qualified drivers on the slippy, sloping junctions.

All round to my eldest daughter’s for Hogmanay tonight for, hopefully, as much fun as we had at Christmas. With the weather warming, my pupils continuing to make me proud, several new pupils in Inverness, Elgin and Ullapool, an increasingly healthy and happy Doris, England retaining the Ashes, and GoCompare finally out of my head there is every reason to look forward to 2011. Almost every reason…… I just need Liverpool to remember that they keep the round thing out of their own goal and try to put it in the far goal.

Happy New Year.