Fun and games

Well, quelle surprise! It’s not snowing! At the moment it doesn’t really matter because there is no chance of the existing snow/ice melting. Yesterday I drove over to Ullapool to give lessons. It was -13C when I set off - it took me twenty minutes just to scrape the ice from the INSIDE of the windscreen - and did not get above -10C until I neared Ullapool. Later, when I drove home, the temperature continued to drop and, while we watched the BBC weatherman telling us that the weather should slowly improve this week, the outside thermometer read -18C!

With pupils cancelling lessons faster than I can book them I took the opportunity to spend some time with Jordan, our nine year-old grandson. Jordan loves his PS3 and Nintendo, so I was hoping to encourage him to play outdoors for a change. With plenty of snowy slopes close by, I thought that we could go sledging. The last time I went sledging I had a big, wooden sledge and we took it to Dunstable Downs. I hit a bump, took off and landed on my hand. The bones in my hand were so smashed that my little finger had almost disappeared into my palm. But I wasn’t going to let something trivial, such as memories of two doctors pressing down on my broken bones, put me off.
Alas, despite scouring the emporiums of Nairn and Forres, we were unable to find a single sledge. If I was a proper grandad, I would have spent weeks slaving away with wood, screws, tools and varnish, to create the world’s best sledge….. Maybe next winter. Determined not to be beaten, we took two plastic dog food sacks to the slopes. Admittedly, they were not the most sophisticated of sledges (and I definitely could have done with a lot more padding), but Jordan…..ok, we…. had great fun (even if I had bruised knees for the first time in decades).

Luckily for me, Jordan is not a games snob. He may have the latest consoles and the latest games, but he does not turn his nose up when I can only offer him Grand Turismo on my PS2 (actually, he loves Grand Turismo and I have to admit that he now beats me more often than I beat him). Because he seems quite happy massacring an airport full of innocents in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, I thought I could introduce him to the delights of Resident Evil. Strangely, while he doesn’t mind being shot by enemy snipers, he didn’t enjoy zombies attacking him with pitchforks.
 

I thought Tomb Raider - Legend might then be a wee bit tame for him, but he loved it. Whether it was the pneumatic charms of Lara Croft or the running/jumping/exploring/shooting/etc aspect he liked I’m not sure, but, I must admit, I am tempted to have a go where he left off. If I can beat the boss with the curved green sword I am sure it would confirm my position as ‘The World’s Greatest Grandad’ (at least in Jordan’s eyes)….. even if I can only provide dog-food sacks for a sledge.

Giants, Fiat 500s and other myths

When I very first started this blog, back in July, I mentioned that BSM were due to replace their Vauxhall Corsas and Astras with Fiat 500s. Initially, I was told that the London area would be the first to exchange, and then Scotland, and then the rest of the UK. It did seem a little odd that the exchanges would jump from London, up to Scotland, and then back down south again, but who was I to question the reasoning.

As you will know from previous posts, I still have my Vauxhall Corsa (now with a slightly tarnished rear end).
I previously wrote about many BSM instructors being very upset about the decision. And, especially with those who had the larger Astra, I could sympathise. However, I was quite looking forward to the Fiat. The Corsa’s not a bad car, in fact, it regularly tops the ‘Best Driving Instructor Car’ lists. But I hate the stupid indicators, which are particularly troublesome to pupils who get extra practice in other (non-Vauxhall) cars, and there are awkward blind-spots (although the Fiat apparently has these too). I guess I am just looking forward to a change, especially having driven the Fiat and (gradually) getting used to the shape of it.
Much of the initial opposition was to the size of the Fiat. Externally, it is certainly smaller than the Corsa, but internally, there is actually more leg-room for the driver and front passenger, but less for passengers in the rear. My (current) pupils range between about 5’2” and 6’2”, so I don’t imagine that any of them would have any problem, but, according to the BSM Instructor Forum, most of the problems have been with shorter pupils. One was amused to read an article (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1238718/Pictured-The-7ft-1ins-learner-driver-hoping-pass-test-tiny-Fiat-500-car.html) a 7’1” pupil who is having lessons with BSM in a Fiat. He doesn’t look particularly comfortable in the car, but then he wouldn’t look any more comfortable in a Corsa either. Or almost any other car that wasn’t a convertible, come to that.

I asked, on the forum, whether any instructors in Scotland had got the Fiat yet. One person said they had, but did not say where they were from. So the wait goes on. On the bright side, there seems to be quite a few favourable reports about how the Fiat 500 is coping with the atrocious weather. It seems to be that its small size is making it less likely to get stuck in snow, compared to other cars.
On the other hand, perhaps it was good fortune that I still had the Corsa yesterday. If I had been in the Fiat when hit from behind, we might have been shunted to the other end of the village.

Stopping distances in snow may be up to ten times that of normal stopping distances.

I guess it had to happen one day.
This morning, Anna was having her first lesson since her test was cancelled, five weeks ago. The driving conditions were dreadful, with horizontal snow to start with. Although Anna had been ready for her test, I was slightly concerned about her not having driven at all for five weeks (and, she admitted, so was she). We need not have worried. She coped exceptionally well with all aspects of her driving and I barely had to give any instruction. Her rescheduled test is supposed to be this Thursday, but there is no way that will go ahead with the current and forecasted weather.
We were nearing the end of the lesson and heading over to Lhanbryde for a quick refresher on 'meeting traffic' (where, because of parked cars, roadworks, other obstacles or just narrow roads, the road is sometimes too narrow for two cars to pass). We had our first instance of this as soon as we entered the village. Our side of the road was clear, but there were many parked cars on the opposite side. Usually there is still just enough room for two cars to pass, but, with the snow, oncoming cars were having to keep further out on to our side than usual. Anna anticipated the situation and, with an oncoming car coming through a long way over to our side, she slowed right down to walking speed (she had previously only been driving at approx' 20mph due to the snow).
WHAM! We were hit from behind. The car following us had obviously been far too close (especially considering the conditions), had not anticipated the situation and, in leaving his braking too late had skidded into the back of my car. First things first; I made sure Anna was ok. I got out the car to take the other driver's details.
"Why did you stop?" He asked.
"We didn't stop. We had to slow down because there was a car coming through on our side of the road."
It was not in my interest, and certainly not in Anna's interest, for me to give the man the benefit of my knowledge of driving in the snow - he would not have appreciated it and I'm sure he would not have paid me for it. We exchanged details and, with a bus now waiting to get through, we drove away. Although it felt like quite a hefty whack, I was pleased to see only very minor damage to my car.

Pupils sometimes ask me if any of my pupils have ever crashed the car. I have now had two pupils who have hit the curb hard enough to burst the tyre, but that has been it. After all, the dual-controls are there for me to try and prevent anything potentially dangerous from happening, but there was not a lot I could do about today. And I made sure I reassured Anna that she did nothing wrong. In fact, she approached an icy, potentially dangerous situation with forward planning, appropriate speed and complete control.
Unfortunately, as my dad used to tell me when he taught me to drive, it does not matter how good a driver you are, always treat other drivers as though they are idiots. He was proved correct this morning.

Testing times

Nice to be back working again. I am back up in Ullapool where the temperature has soared to 4.5C. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be this warm. It’s actually a relief to see rain (as opposed to snow).
I was a wee bit concerned yesterday afternoon. My Corsa had not moved since Boxing Day. With all the snow we have had, I thought it best to clear the car during daylight, rather than leave it until 7am this morning. This proved to be a good decision because the thick snow had frozen around my wheels, so I had to use a spade as a chisel to chip away the ice, which took over half an hour. I did consider cheating and waiting until Jane came home with the Navara to tow me out, but the ice was so solid I’m not sure even that would have worked.
My first lesson this morning was with Jed. I don’t remember any previous pupil learning as quickly as Jed. After only 7 hours we have covered everything (except dual-carriageways, which are not to be found within 50 miles of Ullapool) and are now just polishing his manoeuvres (which he can do all four of without my help). He passed his Theory Test before Christmas and (bearing in mind his rate of progress) I advised him to apply for his driving test. At the start of this morning’s lesson I asked him if he managed to book his test.
“I tried, but it (the website) said my test has been put on hold and that they will contact me when a date becomes available.”
What good is that? Jed and I are left not knowing when he might be able to take his test. It could be next week (extremely unlikely) or it could be Easter (much more likely). Naturally, Jed would rather not pay for weeks and weeks of lessons that he will not need. We were hoping that we could get a test date and schedule his lessons leading up to this date, but we can’t do that now. He has had a couple of lessons in Inverness, so he asked about taking his test there instead. Regrettably, Inverness Test Centre apparently has a ten-week waiting list, so that is not the ideal option.
Usually, when a Test Centre gets a bit of a backlog of tests, they bring in examiners from other areas to clear it. The trouble now, is that, with this weather, other areas will also start to get backlogs of tests, due to cancellations. I promised Jed I would try to get an estimate of a likely test date for him, but I am not bursting with confidence about this.
My next lesson is with Jayanne, who had her test cancelled due to the weather just before Christmas. I imagine that she will also want to know when her test will be. I wish I knew.
It gets worse. You may remember me writing about Anna’s test being cancelled in Elgin, a few weeks ago, when the temperature was 6C. Her rescheduled test is supposed to be in Elgin this Thursday, the day before she goes to university. And I have another pupil, Eddie, due to take his test in Elgin on the same day. I should be positive. Who knows, the Met Office might be completely wrong and we could get a quick thaw in the next two and a half days.

As if on cue, in the time I have been typing this, the temperature has dropped back to 2C and the rain has turned to snow AGAIN.

I haven't provided any top tunes recently, this came up on my MP3 player this morning. I'd forgotten just how brilliant this track (and the whole album) is. http://open.spotify.com/track/5NTAbVY1pBXaCLITRFWbVm

Stir crazy

My sixth consecutive day with no lessons. I half-heartedly tried moving my car last night, but it is too snowed-in to move without a shovel or a crane.
Filling the time is the problem. There is only so much dog-walking, tea-making, hare-casseroling and snow-shovelling one can do. Actually, this morning's walk with the dogs was especially enjoyable: The fields bordering our house are caked in a thick blanket of snow on which has formed an icy crust. This crust is too thin to support Jilly (our Retriever) or I, but it will hold Doris (our Parsons Terrier) and Daphne (our Whippet). Daphne, when she can be bothered, is easily the fastest and, while Doris is faster than Jilly, Doris will usually slow down to let Jilly catch up. Whenever I throw a ball for them, Doris tends to reach it first, but will politely let Jilly return it to me. Today's conditions however, brought out a slightly sadistic side to Doris. Because her weight was supported by the icy crust, Doris would have no problem reaching the ball before Jilly with time to spare. But seeing Jilly struggle to plough through the snow, rather than relinquish the ball to Jilly, Doris seemed to delight in skipping just a few strides ahead of the lumbering Retriever, often giving cheeky, teasing glances behind her with a look that said 'eat my (snow)dust, Fatty'. Eventually, Jilly's torment was ended when Doris and Daphne spotted a large bird of prey perched on a post and foolishly set off in futile pursuit.
Predictably, I have been spending more time on my lap-top than usual; sometimes working, but mainly browsing. I like the various forums. As I have mentioned before, BSM instructors have their own forum for discussing all aspects of our profession, asking/giving advice and having the odd moan. And there are other, independent, driving instructor forums which can be illuminating at times. But what has entertained me at times over this enforced break is the forums that follow a newspaper column or review. Around this time of year the media is filled with 'The Best Films/Albums/TV (etc) Of The Year' (and, no, I don't know why each word is capitalised). Obviously I am not alone in finding them entertaining, especially when they sometimes unearth the odd gem of an album, or film, that I had missed. Increasingly, these lists, when published online, are followed by forums so that we may have 'our say'.
What tickles me is how some people seem to take them so seriously. One 'Top 20 films of the Noughties' review (which contained a slightly safe list, containing only one non-English language film - Amelie) provoked a furore of rabid, blood-spitting posts. One respondent then provided his own top 20, none of which had heard. Ok, it may well be my loss that I have not seen any of his films, but I sensed that it more likely to be 'cleverer-than-thou' snobbery. A 'TV review of the year' briefly mentioned 'reality tv' and 'celebrity tv' in it's lengthy review. The forum that followed was then peppered with anti-reality/celebrity television posts, of which the following is perhaps my favourite:
Who is gripped by this purile rubbish? I have only seen brief glimpses of reality TV shows and must admit that I'm not gripped at all. I know very few people who do watch them. Advertisers beware: the people who watch this rubbish are too thick to earn decent money and can't afford to buy your products. Alistair Scott.
Don't you wish you could be like Alistair? Earning 'decent money' (unlike you) and far too superior to deign to watch such common programmes. Unfortunately, not superior enough to spell 'puerile' correctly.
 
I know I have moaned before about News priorities in the media, but New Year's Day took the biscuit. Not content with bombarding us with David Tennant over Christmas, the BBC 1 News actually devoted several minutes of its running time to the 'news' that the tenth incarnation of Dr Who would die that night IN A FICTIONAL TELEVISION PROGRAMME. You can forget the Afghan war, the Credit Crunch, world poverty and global warming, it seems that the television news editors believe it is far more important that we learn whether Dev is going to raise the price of his Peach Slices in Coronation Street, or whether The Chippendales are going to make a surprise appearance in Cranford.
 
I am so glad I have finally got some lessons tomorrow. For a minute there I was beginning to sound like dear Alistair.

You say you want a resolution

Another day, another duller. The combination of the weather and half my Ullapool pupils being away on a school skiing holiday means another day without work. Or, if I'm looking on the bright side, another holiday.
Jane and I have a Nissan Navara as our other car. We bought this brute of a 4x4 because we wanted something which would easily tow Jane's two ponies in a trailer and our Toyota RAV-4 was too puny. Since moving from Glen Urquhart to near Forres a couple of years ago, Jane's ponies, Dave and Lachie, have been settled near Culbin forest - a vast forest on the Moray coast, which is superb for hacking out - so we have not had the need to take them elsewhere in the trailer. As a result, we have often considered selling the Navara for something smaller (and easier for Jane to park). But I always resist. It is great for the dogs; they jump up into the back of the truck and, it doesn't matter how mucky they get, the cab stays clean (no wet-dog smell) and the truck is easily cleaned with a broom or, when it's really filthy, a hosepipe. Not only that, but it also comes into its own whenever we, or our daughters, move house, need stuff taken to the tip, or have bought bulky objects that would never fit in a normal car.
With this weather, we.... or rather, our car..... has become very popular. On the farm, where Jane keeps Lachie and Dave, she has often been asked to ferry items around areas where the farmer has been unable to go (without a tractor). She has also been able to help people whose cars have become stranded in the snow. Yesterday, a relative of Irene, our lovely neighbour, was having a spot of bother with his brand new BMW in the snow. The big, fat tyres meant that he was slipping and sliding all over the place. Male pride means that you must overcome these adversities yourself. Asking for help is an absolute last resort. So, I made myself a cup of tea while he revved, dug snow, gritted beneath his wheels, revved some more, slipped and spun to no avail. I finished my tea, then went and towed him out onto the main road. Not wanting to dent his pride any further I carefully asked him if he had tried using 2nd gear (instead of 1st) to try and move off (he hadn't). the reason for this is that it supplies less torque to the wheels, so they are less likely to spin, but you have to be careful with the clutch. Further advice for driving in snow can be found here http://www.breakdowncover.co.uk/faq/driving-in-snow.html .

I'm not usually one for New Year's resolutions, but there is one I wanted to make this year. It has not gone unnoticed by me that Jane has made one or two (hundred) little comments about my stomach recently. It is Newton's little-known 4th law that states that, with no opposing forces, stomach size is proportional to age (no, you won't find it on Google).
A couple of years ago I took a break from being a driving instructor to become Operations Manager at The Newton Hotel, in Nairn. Within a couple of months, my weight had dropped from 86kg to 77kg - a loss of about a stone and a half - purely from being much more physically active. Since returning to driving, my weight has crept back up to 87kg, the heaviest I have ever been. It's not too surprising, some days, if I don't get to walk the dogs, the most exercise I get is walking from the driver's door to the passenger door (and I sometimes even bypass that in heavy rain or freezing temperatures).
I haven't quite worked out my plan of action yet. I enjoy cooking (and, of course, eating) food, so it will have to be more exercise. I can just see Jane rolling her eyes when she reads this. Now I have published this, I will have to keep to it. First, I have to set a target. So, nothing too silly. Let's say...... 80kg. Sound reasonable?
Right, I'm off to walk the dogs...... (after I have had a Ginger biscuit).

Whiteout wipeout

As Donna Summer once said, enough is enough. This snow stuff was great for the first day (or two), but I have decided it is a new year (Happy New Year, by the way) and it is time for the snow to go.
Jane and I were trying to think when it started. Jane had to drive her school minibus up in the glens, in snow, on Friday 18th December. I didn't encounter it until early the next morning, when I drove over to Ullapool. Although the A835 had been gritted, it had had little effect between Garve and the Braemore junction, which made for an exciting drive over the hills. The snow had not settled in Ullapool but my pupil, Kim, was concerned that, with a lot more snow forecast, they would close the A835, leaving me with a possible 100-mile detour to get home. I had already resigned myself to missing the Strictly...  Final, but to miss Match of the Day as well! While the weather remained snow-free in Ullapool I decided to stay, but, by 4 o'clock, big flakes began tumbling from the sky, so I headed carefully home to find that the snowfall now stretched across the whole of the Highlands.
Of course, we certainly weren't the only area. A few inches of snow (particularly in England) is headline news. All other news about soldiers being killed in Afghanistan, world leaders failing in Copenhagen and even the race for the Christmas No.1 was pushed down the priorities as snow hampered last-minute Christmas shoppers. In some parts of Bedfordshire it was so bad that some of my friends had to postpone their game of golf. I shouldn't be glib, thousands of people had to abandon cars, or even spend the night in them. But, no-one died. Around the same time, over twenty people died as a result of severe snow storms in central parts of the USA, but our media thought it more important to focus on people who took 3 hours to get out of a Tesco's car park.
The Tuesday before Christmas I returned to Ullapool. I have to say, the gritters and snowploughs had performed minor miracles to keep the main roads clear and, in Elgin (in particular) even the most minor road was clear of snow and ice. So, although I set off in plenty of time to deal with icy roads, I enjoyed a clear drive and reached Ullapool almost an hour early. Unfortunately, Ullapool's side roads were not clear of snow. I had four pupils, Eilidh, Kim, Mascha and Jayanne, all scheduled for tests on the Wednesday. Although I was still able to give lessons in the snow (in fact, I believe it is an unmissable opportunity to gain such experience), I had strong doubts about the tests going ahead.
Mascha actually lives in Surrey, but, having failed her first attempt in Reigate, she had booked a test in Ullapool because she was staying with family there over Christmas. Kim is moving to France early in January, so would only get one shot at the test. Eilidh's test was paid for by her parents as part of her Christmas present. And Jayanne had been increasing her lessons recently in the run-up to this test.
Because Ullapool is only a temporary Test Centre, the examiner has to drive over from Inverness to conduct the tests. The senior examiner called me to ask what the roads were like in Ullapool. With my pupils wanting so much to take their tests the following day, it was with some reluctance that I had to tell him the roads were not suitable. One criterion was that the curbs must be visible (especially for the reversing manoeuvres), but that certainly was not the case on many of the roads. As a result, not only were all the tests cancelled, but, understandably, all four pupils preferred to cancel their lessons too. Disappointing for me to drive all the way to Ullapool for four, instead of fifteen, hours work, but even more disappointing for those that were unable to take their tests.
I then had four hours of lessons cancelled on Christmas Eve and, since Christmas, I have had another eleven hours of lessons cancelled due to the snow/ice; some of them by me (when I was concerned that the pupils' skills may not have been up to the conditions), some of them by the pupil.
Worse still, I have two more pupils hoping to take their test, in Elgin, next week and there seems to be no respite from the snow. With so many tests being cancelled there will be a huge backlog of tests in the region.

As I said, I liked it when the snow first arrived, it meant that I could have snowball fights with my grandchildren and it made the scenery was even more spectacular. But, with blue skies and white snow giving way to white/grey skies and white/grey icy snow, it is now like looking at a never-ending Joy Division album cover.
The snow stopped for a few hours this afternoon, but more is forecast later tonight. According to the Met office website, the temperatures over the next five days are not going anywhere near the -12C we had a few days ago, but they don't look high enough for anything like a thaw.

I have decided  it is Andy's fault (my pupil in Aviemore). Back in the Autumn, he said that the spectacular abundance of berries on the Rowan trees meant that we were in for a lot of snow in the winter. I quietly dismissed that as bumpkin nonsense and optimism on his part (he is a keen snowboarder). I still think it was bumpkin nonsense, but it is always nice to have someone to blame.