A Partly Political Broadcast

So we’ve got the General Election this Thursday and, like millions of people, I still don’t really know who I am going to vote for. The trouble is - and I usually think this - I tend to end up voting for someone who I believe is not quite as crap as the others.

The LibDems are probably more credible than they have been for a long time, but I’m not convinced by Nick Clegg. I think it is his name. Up here, a Clegg is a particularly spiteful little flying beastie, like a horsefly, which gives a nasty bite when it tries to suck your blood. Also, in some parts of the country, a ‘clegg’ (or ‘cleggnut’) is the term for a piece of excrement that sticks to fur (specifically sheep) or anal hair (humans).

Deep down I believe that Gordon Brown is the lesser of the three evils, but he just looks knackered and crumpled, almost as though he would welcome being put out of his misery.

And don’t even get me started on Cameron.

So is there any alternative? Well, yes. Whatever you do, get off your backside and vote this week. ‘Not voting’ is no protest, it is just lazy, and an insult to the billions of people around the world who do not enjoy the privilege. Even a spoiled paper is a more meaningful protest than not voting. But there are plenty of alternatives to the ‘Big 3’ (the ‘Big 4’ if you live outside of England):

Usual suspects, The Monster Raving Loony Party (officially, the Monster Raving William Hill Loony Party at the moment - they have sponsorship) have candidates in many constituencies. Now, is it me, or are the MRWHL policies more mainstream than they used to be? Some of their policies include ‘Making it illegal for superheroes to use their powers for evil’, ‘Introducing a ‘99p’ coin to save on change’, ‘Adding the Loch Ness Monster to the endangered species list’, ‘All socks to be sold in packs of 3 as a precaution against losing one’ and ‘Banning all terrorists from having beards as they look too scary’.

If that doesn’t convince you, how about The Church of Militant Elvis and Bus-pass Elvis Party. The pick of their policies is probably ‘Building moats around houses to keep out randy footballers.

CURE, the Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality Party, are keen to promote their message that “Zombies, like students, are people too, so we should fight for their rights to politically party”. If they get into power, they plan to ‘Increase the minimum statutory retirement age to beyond death’ and ‘Make cemeteries more comfortable for their inhabitants’.

Captain Beany, leader of The New Millennium Bean Party, has been a parliamentary candidate at several elections but, for some reason, has always lost his deposit. Some of his policies sound quite reasonable to me: ‘Public officials convicted of abuse of office will have their pictures printed on toilet roll packaging’ (although on the toilets rolls themselves may have been a better idea), ‘Chewing gum collected from scraping the pavements is to be used to fill in potholes in the roads’ and ‘Convicted drink drivers are to have their cars painted bright orange for five years after their driving ban is lifted’.

It is good to read that some parties do have the motorists’ concerns close to their heart. I am sure that there are plenty of other policies that would be sure-fire vote winners. How about...

‘Banning those ridiculous yellow diamond signs (or, even worse, the mini T-shirts) which say things like “Small Dude on board”, “Cheeky Monkey on board” or “Little Princess on board”.’ What are the point of those? Is it because you are concerned that someone will ram you unless you are displaying a warning? Or do you want following vehicles to get really close to you so that they can read about the nature of your offspring? If you are so concerned with the safety of your passengers, why do you perform dangerous overtaking manoeuvres and travel well in excess of the speed limit? And why do you obscure your view of the road, thus reducing your safety? A sign saying “Warning: Partially-sighted person on board” or “Warning: The driver of this car has no idea how close you are” would be more accurate.

Maybe a law forcing motor manufacturers to somehow link the indicators to the brakes should be introduced. Then, when an Audi driver (and, to be fair, other drivers as well) approaches a junction, they will not be able to brake until they have indicated to let everyone else know what the hell they are doing. Yes, yes, there are times when it is necessary to brake without turning, but it wouldn’t be the first time a policy has been suggested without thinking it through.
I could go on…. and on…. and on, but I’m not a politician, so I won’t.

Don’t forget - USE YOUR VOTE.