Look! No hands!

Have you tuned in to 6Music yet? Well, while you are sat here, with possibly no music to accompany your browsing, click on http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/console/6music/ and enjoy.
Is there anyone here who can HONESTLY say that they have never used a mobile phone while driving? You are telling me that your phone has rung and you have thought 'I'm on a straight road and no-one's around, but I'm still not going to answer my mobile because it is a dangerous and selfish thing to do. I will stop in a suitable place and return the call,' ?? Melton Mowbray springs to mind.
If it is likely that your mobile will ring while you are driving, have you considered spending a few quid on a hands-free solution? You could ignore what you will look like and buy a Bluetooth headset, or you could spend a little more and have a more discreet hands-free car unit.
The Fiat 500 comes with 'Blue and Me', it's built-in hands-free Bluetooth unit. I simply paired my ancient Nokia to the system and that was it: Not only can I safely make/answer calls, keeping both hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road, but it will also read out text messages. I haven't explored the options in detail yet, so there have been occasions when it has read out a text message during a lesson. I guess the simple answer is to switch my phone off during lessons (which is what we should all do). First impressions are that the female voice (sounding a bit like the automated BT one, rather than the softer TomTom one) has a degree of intelligence: If Jane puts an 'X' at the end of a message, the voice - let's call her Morag - reads it out as 'kisses', isn't that nice.
Unfortunately, my initial attraction to 'Morag' has quickly faded. At first I would give her instructions in a pleasant and friendly voice, hoping that 'she' would respond to my good nature. Who knows, maybe if she thought I was particularly nice she would hold my calls, sort my diary, remember my wife's birthday and bring me a cup of tea (and some ginger biscuits). It was too much to hope for. As nice as I was to her, her initial display of intelligence was just a facade - she is, as Jilted John would say, a moron.
The other day I was driving to Inverness and I needed to discuss some matters with Eddie, in the BSM (Inverness) office. In a clear, amiable voice I instructed "Call BSM".
"Call BSM Aberdeen now?" Morag enquired.
(?) "No....." (Where did she get the 'Aberdeen' bit from?) ".....Um.....Call BSM." I repeated.
"Call BSM Aberdeen now?"
"NO....... Call BSM." (It's not listed as 'BSM Inverness', so there was no point adding the 'Inverness' bit).
"Call BSM Aberdeen now?"
"Nooooooooo....." This was getting frustrating. Asssuming that Morag is a super-intelligent voice-recognition system, the fault must lie with me. Was I too quiet? Was I slurring?
"CALL BEEE ESSS EMMM NOW."
"Call BSM Aberdeen now?"
"Oh F.F.S! NOOOO!!!!" I decided to try a different tact. Perhaps I was being too deliberate. Perhaps I should just speak normally. "Call BSM now." I instructed, in as normal voice as I could muster.
"Call Anna now?"
!?!?!?!?!?!?!?..................................
Morag then took my puzzled silence as aquiescence and proceeded to dial Anna (my step-daughter). After a few seconds I could hear her phone ringing. Help! How do I end the call? Damn! I knew I should have read the instruction manual first.
"Stop."
"STOP."
(Anna's phone continued to ring)
"END CALL. END CALL."
By now, Anna's phone had gone to voicemail and I didn't want to leave my helpless instructions to Morag as a message on her phone. Unfortunately, my phone had slipped under my laptop case, so I couldn't end the call manually.
"End call...............END CALL...............OH  F*** OFF!! STUPID F***ING THING!!........" I interrupted myself mid-expletive and, ignoring road safety, I dived my hand under the laptop case, found the phone and disconnected the call.
Now I know what Anna is like when disgruntled - I have seen her in the mornings - so I know that she is familiar with the words I used. However, I still felt uncomfortable that she now had a voicememail from her step-dad with these words recorded. As a consequence, as soon as I found a lay-by on the A96, I pulled over and sent her a text asking her to ignore the message and apologising for my filthy language. She later replied with a text saying "Hello. That was a very funny message u left me. Av never heard u swear b4 but u r excused!...."

I was tempted to call Fiat and tell them that Morag's three-week probationary period had not been satisfactory and could they find me a new 'Blue and Me' secretary. But I have decided to give her another chance. Our relationship is a bit rocky at the moment, I find myself replying sarcastically when she gets an instruction hopelessly wrong. To her credit she never raises her voice or starts crying, but she has switched herself off on a few occasions.
We'll get through this rough patch. We just have to put more effort into it and, maybe one day, our relationship will be as solid and as cordial as I hoped it would be at the start. I don't hold out much hope for the tea and biscuits though.




(I hear that bookies are offering odds of 11-10 that Wayne Bridge won't shake hands with John Terry this afternoon. Isn't that the most pointless bet?)