2014: Fun, floods and facial hair.

Yet another year flies into history at a somewhat scary pace. A year when I have been very neglectful with this blog (again).
Personally, there wasn't too much drama. No births, no deaths, no marriages. I grew an experimental beard for a few weeks when we were invited to a medieval banquet. But it's not something I shall be eager to do again. And, if ever you notice that I'm slightly unshaven, would you be so kind as to remind me of these words.

As you know, I did my first bungee jump and absolutely loved it. But, apart from Liverpool ripping up the Premiership for five thrilling months, any other 'excitement' has been in lessons.
We had Shauna's intensive course in Fort William. My first time instructing there and it coincided with the most rain I have seen fall in a three day period. But not even floods and landslides were going to stop Shauna passing her test at the first attempt.

The only two times we have ever had an accident in lessons were the fault of other drivers (both when vehicles went into the back of us). This year I had a pupil leave the road, not in a lesson, but in a test! Fortunately, no-one was hurt and the only damage was to my two nearside tyres, which both burst.
But I am pleased to report that almost all other drama has been positive, with a record number of my pupils passing their tests. Last year I was thrilled to have 79 pupils pass their driving tests. I was hoping that we might have over eighty this year, but that didn't look likely early on in the year. However, the last few months have gone a bit mad and I ended up with no less than 98 pupils passing their tests in 2014. Congratulations to (deep breath)..... Abbie, Adele, Aimee, Alan, Alex, Alexander, Alice C, Alice Mac, Alice Mash, Allen, Andrea, Andrew, Angus M, Angus U, Becky N, Becky R, Ben, Bethany, Calum, Cameron, Catrina, Chantelle, Charles, Charlotte, Chloe, Conor, Craig, Craig M, Darren, Donald, Donna, Eilean, Eilidh, Elizabeth, Emma, Euan Mac, Euan Mc, Gemma, Geoff, Gregor, Hally, Hamish, Hannah, Harriet, Holly, Humzah, Ian, Innes, Jack B, Jack G, Jamie, Jeanette, Jock, Joe, Joshua, Kacey, Kate, Katie S, Katie W, Katy, Kayleigh, Keirra, Kenneth, Kieran, Lasha, Lauren, Liam, Lilleth, Mark D, Mark V, Mary D, Mary M, Matthew, Michael H, Michael M, Michael O, Michelle, Oliver, Paisley, Patrick, Rachel, Rory M, Rory R, Ruari, Ruairidh, Ryan, Scott M, Scott S, Seumas, Shauna, Sigi, Sophie, Stephen, Stuart, Tess, Tony, Tylar and Vicky. I think that's everyone, but apologies if I have missed anyone.
I am proud of every one of those, but, looking back, the ones that meant slightly more were generally the people who had been with me longer. Angus was one such pupil. He had been unsuccessful in a few tests, arguably slightly unlucky in two of them. But, the puzzling thing was that I had no worries about his driving at all during lessons. I guess it was just that nerves got the better of him on tests. In November he asked me if I would sit in on his test. I am always happy to do so, but explained to him that I cannot say or do anything throughout the duration of the test. He has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and in tests, and even in lessons, he often found it helpful to talk himself through situations. Before the test started I simply advised him to drive exactly as he usually does and, if he wanted to, to talk himself through each situation. The test was going fine, although I would suggest that he was holding back a bit more than was necessary. He did get slightly alarmed when, at the start of his parallel park, I ducked down in the back seat to allow him more visibility. The examiner reassured him not to worry about me. As the test progressed I had counted a few minor errors, but nothing serious. As each junction and each situation was dealt with I heard a voice in my head urging him on. "Come on Angus." The test was almost over, just a few more junctions to negotiate. Come on Angus. An awkward situation with parked cars on both sides of the road, but he patiently held back and waited until it was clear, Come on Angus. A pedestrian with her back to us started walking towards the curb. He checked his mirrors and watched what she was doing. Come on Angus. The last junction coming up. He took it slightly wide. Come on Angus. The examiner asked him to pull up and switch off the engine. As far as I could tell, it was a pass, but how would the examiner interpret his slight lack of making progress when the road was clear? "I am happy to tell you that you have passed." COME ON ANGUS!!! YES!
Sometimes, this can be a frustrating job. Pupils cancel lessons and don't drive to their best ability. Other drivers tailgate and do all sorts of stupid (and dangerous) things. But all of these niggles fade away when people like Angus pass their test. And, hopefully, many more people will do so next year. Let's break the 100 barrier!

How NOT to take a driving test

I've had a few tests recently which have not gone exactly as I would have liked.
The first one wasn't her fault. She had a 9:37am test and, the night before, I went to pick her up for her last lesson.
"I've got a bit of a problem ” she said, as she got in the car. " I can't find my purse, and it's got my licence in it. "
That's not "a bit of a problem", that's a major disaster.
" I had my purse at school this afternoon, but it's not in my bag now. "
Whether it was stolen, or simply fell out of her bag we shall never know (although when she did get her purse back, money had gone from it). She reported it stolen and planned to go to the school first thing in the morning, in the hope that she might find it.
I met her at school in the morning. "The cleaners haven't come across it" she said.
"It's OK", I lied, " we have plenty of time. "
Her school was 25 minutes from the test centre and, if she didn't find it in the next half an hour, we wouldn't get there in time.
Luckily, with about fifteen minutes to spare, she came running out, clutching her purse and licence.
Very rarely does anyone go to their test completely relaxed, but finding your licence with minutes to spare certainly doesn't help.

A few days later I had another Inverness test. He hadn't been too happy about his first test: In slow moving traffic, he had held back to keep a junction on the left clear. The correct thing to do, but in the examiner's opinion, he had held back too much and possibly irritated the drivers behind. So, this time, he asked me if I would sit in the back.
All was going fine. I was completely relaxed and enjoying the drive. The examiner asked him to pull over and explained that he would like him to complete a reverse (parallel) park, using the parked car ahead. When I sit in on tests, I duck down on the back seat when they are reversing, so that I do not impede their view. This means that I can't see how the manoeuvre is going, but I had every confidence in his ability to successfully complete the parking.
At one point he braked a touch sharply and the brakes squeaked. I saw him secure the car, sit bolt upright and exclaim "OH MY GOD!!! HAVE I HIT THAT CAR?!!!"
”No, you're fine. It's just the brakes. " explained the examiner.
He successfully completed the manoeuvre and passed his test but, as the examiner pointed out to him at the end, he should have known exactly how close/far from that car he was. Shouting "OH MY GOD!!! HAVE I HIT THAT CAR?!!!" is not likely to fill the examiner with confidence.

That same week I had six pupils taking their test in Ullapool. Typically, the examiners take them out on the A835, a twisting, hilly, 60mph road, to Ardmair, a few miles north of the village. While my last test of the day was taking place I was happily enjoying a coffee. My pupil had been out for about half an hour, so it was time to finish my coffee and walk back to (hopefully) congratulate him on passing his test. Just as I was doing that my phone rang. It was the examiner. My heart sank. It couldn't be good news.
"Hello Martin. We've had a bit of an incident." It definitely wasn't good news.
Although his driving had been absolutely fine in his lessons, for some unimaginable reason he had decided to show the examiner that he was Lewis Hamilton. He took a bend too fast, left the road and burst my two nearside tyres. Thankfully, no-one was hurt, although, with hindsight, I would have liked my pupil to have suffered a little. At least he had to suffer the embarrassment of having to walk a mile or so back to the test centre with the examiner. I can't imagine it would have been the most hilarious conversation between them.
My pupil mumbled a quiet "sorry Martin" then disappeared (not that I was in the mood to discuss his next test with him !) and the examiner hurried off to his next test. That left me to rely on the ever helpful Rod Houldsworth at Ullapool garage to rescue my car and transport it 55 miles to the nearest garage that had replacement tyres in stock.
Later, once I had calmed down, I was left wondering exactly what had happened. Nothing like it has ever happened in a lesson, but I guess the examiners try to leave the pupil to it. I just hope nothing like it ever happens again.

I was writing this while Michael was successfully taking his test in Ullapool. Although he passed with just three driver errors, he didn't make it easy for himself. Ullapool tests don't have a test centre, we just park up near the Fire Station. Whilst we were waiting for the examiner Michael asked me where the nearest toilet was because he was desperate to go. There is no nearby toilet. Not even a convenient bush. We didn't have time to drive to the nearest toilet.
"We don't have time. Can you hold on?"
"I'll have to."
I wandered off whilst he took his test. A few minutes later I saw Michael drive past and do an emergency stop..... Not what you want when you need the toilet ! Not only that, but, at the end of his test he told me he had "a bit on an incident" on the road to Ardmair. "Oh no !" I thought, "what now?" He explained that, just as he went round the corner where the aforementioned pupil had gone off the road, a family of ducks had waddled across the road and he had to do a second emergency stop.

An hour later: My last test of the day. Two out of two so far and every confidence in my third pupil passing easily. Except..... Can't fault his control, can't fault his judgement, can't fault his awareness, can't fault his manoeuvres, BUT...... His mirror checks are just a bit..... random. I have explained that he should check his mirrors before any change in speed or direction, before signalling, before overtaking, before changing lanes (not that this applies in Ullapool), etc, but still I have to regularly prompt him. I have explained the consequences of not checking mirrors but, for some unknown reason, he still misses mirror checks. In the lesson before his test we analysed his driving and I stressed that his only weakness was his use of mirrors. However, I felt confident that he would put it right on his test. Result, fail for not checking mirrors. I didn't need to say  ”I told you so ", the look on his face told me he knew.

So, to summarise: Keep both parts of your licence safe, make sure you don't need the toilet before your test, listen to what your instructor says, don't ask the examiner if you have hit something and, most importantly, try to keep the car on the road....... Easy.

The one that got away

Ultimately, it is the ability to be able to drive where you want, when you want, that starts people out on the journey of driving lessons/theory tests/driving tests. So I always take pleasure from seeing ex-pupils driving around. I still remember the real sense of satisfaction when Hannah passed: She was my very first pupil, back in my BSM days, to pass without having done any other driving with anyone else. I had others pass before her, but they had had previous lessons, or practice with friends or family. When Hannah passed I could legitimately think 'I did that'.
I even get satisfaction from the handful of pupils who have had lessons with me, but then move away before they pass. It is always nice when, unexpectedly, I get a text, call or email from a former pupil, letting me know that they have finally passed their test in Norfolk, Edinburgh, the USA, or wherever.

The other side of the coin are the pupils that start lessons but, for various reasons, have not yet passed, or even sat, their driving test. For me there is a sense of a job not done. A loose end.
Usually it is because they start their lessons, but move away to university before taking their test. Perfectly understandable, and many continue their lessons during the holidays. But there was one pupil this week, who had probably his last ever lesson with me, leaving me feeling particularly........ Not 'disappointed', that is not the right word. Just a slightly sad sense that I will probably not be there when he passes his test.
He was not my most 'natural' driver. And, although not the oldest pupil I have taught, he was at that end of the age scale. Add to that a less than perfect grasp of English, and, well..... it has been a struggle.
He actually took his first test before I met him, though heaven knows why his previous instructor thought he was ready. Although, to be fair, I'm not even sure he had a previous instructor, such was the difficulty in understanding each other. So most instruction was done by me drawing diagrams or, occasionally, by demonstration. I'm not going to beat about the bush, it was hard work. Because of the language problem I was often unconvinced that he fully understood what I was trying to teach. Other times, I knew he understood, but he just seemed unable to carry it out. Then, just when I thought we had finally cracked it, older faults would sneak back into his driving.
He took other tests. I sat in on one. Despite his assurances that he understood what the examiner was saying, I am pretty sure that he didn't. His first test (with me) was postponed due to snow; one of the very few of my tests cancelled last winter due to snow. He then spent time away, setting up a new business, before returning last Autumn. He resumed lessons and we booked a test for Wednesday 5th December. He bought several blocks of lessons and, the week of his test, he was driving without fault. I was convinced that he was finally going to be rewarded for his time, effort and money. A good thing too, because his theory test was only valid until 8th December, so this would be his only chance before having to re-sit his theory.
Late on Tuesday 4th December it snowed. I had five pupils with tests booked the next day; the pupil I have been talking about had the penultimate test of the day, at 1.33pm. On the Wednesday morning I looked out of the window and could immediately see that the first test or two would have to be postponed.
We turned up for the 8.40am test and the examiner confirmed that the first two tests would have to be postponed. But, to his credit, he said that he would have a drive around at 10.15am before making a decision about the 10.44 and 11.41am tests. The weak December morning sun did little to melt the snow, so it was no surprise when he postponed those two tests too. He again decided to delay his decision on the last two tests until 1.00pm. By 1.00pm the sun had actually melted most of the snow. Unfortunately, there were a couple of junctions which, I had to agree, were just a bit too slippy for a test to be conducted fairly.
It was horrible driving to pick up my pupil, who was waiting, very smartly dressed, and with all his documents neatly presented in a folder, only for me to tell him that his test would not be going ahead and that he would have to sit his theory test again.
The other four pupils, Alison, Beccy, Darren and Euan, all passed their tests, all at the first attempt, when they were re-scheduled for February. Unfortunately, my other pupil did not get a re-scheduled date because his theory test certificate was no longer valid. He re-sat and passed his theory test but, when he went to re-book his driving test, he found that the earliest available tests were not until May.
"It's only a couple of months." I tried to reassure him. But the trouble now, was that his new business, on Skye, was almost ready and he would be leaving Ullapool in early April. I considered all options, but there were no tests available within a reasonable distance before he would be leaving Ullapool.
He still bought another block of five lessons, even though I suggested that he didn't really need them, and that he would be better off taking a few lessons in Skye, before his test (which would have to be booked there). Then, last Saturday, at the end of his 4th lesson from the block of the five he had bought, I asked him when he would like his next lesson.
"No lesson." He replied. "This, my last lesson." I thought, perhaps, that he did not realise that he still had one lesson in credit. But it was simply that he did not need another lesson. He was right; he could drive around Ullapool, the surrounding area, and carry out all the reversing manoeuvres without any help from me. I would  look out for difficult situations and try to get him into them, but he was capable of dealing with whatever I threw at him.
He refused my offer of refunding the unused hour, saying that it was for me because 'I had been a good teacher and a gentleman'. I valued his comments more than the money (which I will spend in his restaurant the next time I am in Skye), but, as I drove away, I felt quite deflated that we had both worked so hard to get him to this standard, yet I will not be there to shake his hand when the examiner presents him with his pass certificate.

The drugs don't work

Whilst I'm not exactly Brad Pitt, I am not usually concerned about showing my face in public. Not this morning though; I could do with a big paper bag to put over my head before I venture out in public. I am hideous.
A few days ago I felt a painful twinge as I bit into a ginger nut (nothing to do with Prince Harry in Vegas). My usual reaction to any bodily imperfection is just to ignore it. This twinge turned out to be an abscess that is currently growing to the size of an orange. Consequently, the left side of my face now looks like an unholy contortion of Timothy Spall, Marlon Brando in 'The Godfather', Monty Python's Mr. Creosote and a puffer fish. In my teens I could never have been a Goth because I couldn't suck my cheeks in enough, but at the moment I just look ridiculous.
I'm all for telling Jane to see a doctor if she is not well but, hypocritically, I won't take such advice myself.
Over the past few days my pupils have looked at me anxiously as my face continued to swell, and I have abstained from ginger biscuits. My personal philosophy is to 'grin and bear it'. Unfortunately, it has got to the point where, even if I could grin, I would probably look like some grotesque Halloween pumpkin and, last night, it got to the point where I could no longer bear it.
At the Argyll Quiz last night a member of our team looked me over.
"Looks nasty. Is it painful?"
"It's OK," (I'm such a martyr) "I've got some painkillers."
"Are they working?"
"No."
She looked around the room, "Here," she whispered, "try some of these." and she handed me a strip of pills.
"What are they?" I asked.
"They'll take away the pain." she answered vaguely.
Another member of the team went to the bar and came back with a whisky.
"Sloosh it around your mouth." she suggested.
"Can't I drink it?"
"Yes, but sloosh it first."
The whisky tasted very nice, the pills were disgusting. Neither did anything to take the pain away.
So, after grimacing my way through the first lesson, I was straight on the phone to the NHS dental hotline. I would like to have called a vet and asked them to put me down, but I was fairly sure they wouldn't oblige.
"Can you get to Lochinver?" they asked. I could, but it was nearly an hour further north, meaning I would be 2½ hours away from my afternoon lessons. There is no alternative. I will have to go.

(Later in the day) So I drove to the dentist at Lochinver. And very good they were too. I don't know what they injected me with, but it must have been pretty strong. I was aware of him applying considerable force to pull my tooth out, but I couldn't feel even the slightest twinge of pain..
..until the drive home.
The Assynt scenery between Lochinver and Ullapool is surely amongst the finest in the world. The sky was pure blue, the sun was shining brightly. I was as happy as could be, relieved that my toothache had gone. Then the numbing effect of the injections began to fade. JESUS! THE PAIN!!! I don't ever remember pain like it. The pain gradually increased until I was seriously wanting to turn around, go back to the dentist, and ask him to put the tooth back in... Anything to take away the agony. I stopped the car, I just couldn't concentrate on driving. I popped two of my painkillers and two of the pills that I had been given last night. I just wanted to curl up in the back of my car and sleep until the pain went. But I had lessons to get to. The sensible thing would have been to cancel the afternoon's lessons, but two of them were brand new pupils, so I really didn't want to.
Fortunately, as I neared Forres, the pills were finally kicking in. I explained to my new pupils that I don't normally look like this, but I didn't care what they thought I looked like, I was just relieved that I was able to concentrate on the lessons.
Never again. I'm not religious, but I'll believe in any god you like if it means I never have to go through that again. Either that or I find a quiz team with some decent drugs.

Ironing out the wrinkles

Bugger. You would think that, in mid-July, I would be quite comfortable in a short-sleeved shirt. Having said that, you would think that I had the sense to keep a fleece or light waterproof in the car 'just in case'. 
It's not particularly cold or wet, but, compared to the tourists in their coats, fleeces and goretex jackets, I feel very under-dressed. 
No test centre in Ullapool so, once again, I go for a walk, or find a cafe, when my pupils are out on test - and I have six consecutive tests today. 
It is quite a unique situation in these remote test centres. In Inverness and Elgin I occasionally get 2, or even 3, tests on the same day. It is unlikely that test candidates will know the other pupils talking their test and they nearly always get an hour's lesson prior to their test. In Ullapool however, the only pupils I can guarantee an hour's lesson before their test are the ones that book the first test of the day, or the one immediately after lunch. For the others, as is the case today, they have to meet me at the Fire Station (where the test begins and ends) and, if we are lucky, they will get a ten/fifteen minute 'warm-up' drive before their test. Then, after their test, they are often left to make their own way home as I will invariably have another pupil waiting for their warm up drive. Sometimes test days can feel a bit like a conveyor belt.

The other thing is that most of my Ullapool pupils know each other so, not only do they get anxious about their own tests, but they can sometimes worry about their friends' too. Last month, a pupil taking the last test of the day asked "How has everyone else got on today?"

"Would it help if I told you they all passed or they all failed?" I replied.

"No, you're right. I don't want to know."

Another thing is that, as much as I am confident that they should all pass, it is natural that I will be more confident in some rather than others. And it is often down to how much they have put into it themselves. As much as I try to make them as good a driver as possible, you can often get pupils who reach a good standard in relatively few hours. The problem with that is that I have less time to see how they deal with various situations. If then, during the test (or worse, after they have passed their test), a situation arises that they don't know how to deal with, then they could be in trouble. In theory, if they apply their knowledge to any situation, they should be fine, but you just never know for certain. I have had pupils who, on their test, have had to drive along a pavement to get around a lorry that was unloading. Or have had to reverse back along a narrow road from a T-junction because a lorry had blindly swung into the junction without checking into the road first. Both pupils passed, but nothing like that ever occurred during their lessons.

So, as a pupil approaches their test, I like to try to engineer situations that are going to be difficult for them. My philosophy is that, if they can deal with really difficult junctions/situations, then 99.9% of driving (and, hopefully, the driving test) will be really easy in comparison. I am trying to iron out all possible wrinkles, or polish them to perfection.

Unfortunately, sometimes a wrinkle unexpectedly occurs. My first test pupil of the day was someone who I struggled to find any fault in her driving. The photo on the right is of West Terrace, Ullapool. The 'pavement' is the area between the wall/fence and the white line. For the purpose of a turn in the road, the examiner is quite happy for the pupil to cross the white line, but, otherwise, it should be considered as a pavement. In her test, my pupil was driving on the other side of the road (towards us, as far as this photo is concerned), with numerous parked cars on her side. Another car, approaching her from ahead, had already starting encroaching on the 'pavement', to give both cars as much room as possible. My pupil should have pulled in to the left slightly and waited behind a parked car, to enable to the oncoming car to return to the correct side of the white line. But, because the oncoming car had already made room for her, she continued. And failed as a result. The ironic thing, as far as she is concerned, is that her awareness of 'meeting traffic' situations is usually perfect, so it was the last thing I would have expected her to fail on.

Later in the day, I had a pupil who had got through her teens and early twenties without learning to drive. It was only when one of her younger sisters (who had passed with me last year) bought her a voucher for driving lessons, that she decided to take the plunge. Her lessons have been quite concentrated, over a period of a few weeks and I think it was the short time span that made her doubt her ability to drive. After all, it was only a couple of months ago that she had not driven at all. So, in the run up to her test, she was having lessons almost every day. To try to eliminate her doubts I tried to work on any problem that occurred, making the 'wrinkles' smaller and fewer, until, a week before her test, it got to the point where I struggled to find a single fault in her driving. And this is by far the best way to combat pre-test nerves. Some people try various (legal) drugs, one person even tried hypnotism, but the best way is to develop your driving to the point where you KNOW you can drive, and can drive well. 

She became one of those pupils who, last week, I thought could be my first pupil to pass with no minor faults. I have now had several pass with just one minor fault/driver error, but the perfect pass had so far eluded us. Apparently, less than one in ten thousand pass with zero faults, but I do get pupils who I think "They could be 'the one'." As it turned out, she did pick up 3 minor faults, but, in a test situation, that is fantastic. So, very well done Catherine - you and Alasdair (her boyfriend, who passed with me in Inverness last month) can now have a private contest to see who is the better driver.

The rest of the tests went equally well. Piotr had failed a couple of times with a previous instructor, which didn't help the nerves, but also passed with 3 minor errors. Bethany, Erin and Olivia were all taking their test for the first time and made me very proud by all passing with just 3 - 5 minor errors. Congratulations to all five of you.

A few days earlier, Aaron took his driving test in Inverness. He had booked a block of twenty hours and his parents helped by giving him extra practice. In the latter lessons we worked hard on any weakness in his driving. He had developed his control of the car early on, but we needed to work on awareness and planning. By the day of his test I was very confident for him and was slightly surprised when he asked if I could sit in on the test. As the test progressed I couldn't find anything I could fault him for - so far. I was unusually relaxed - sitting in on a test is not usually a relaxing experience - and, as we approached Inverness test centre, I was thinking of what a good drive it had been. I knew he had passed, and the examiner confirmed it when he praised him on such a nice drive. But it still caught me by surprise when he said "I'm pleased to tell you that you have passed - and with no driver errors." !!!! We had done it! Or, more correctly, Aaron had done it. Aaron had joined that very exclusive club of a faultless drive in a test. 

I won't stop there. I'll try to get every pupil passing with 0 driver faults. It won't happen, of course, but it is a good target to aim for.

It is not just a target for me. Passing the driving test is really just the minimum standard. Everyone should always try to think of ways of improving their driving. Aaron has already asked about taking the Pass Plus course, and Catherine has already booked her Pass Plus course for next week. If they are looking to improve their driving, despite only having 3 minor errors between them, then it should serve as a lesson for everyone else.

Good golly Miss Molly!

I have to say, my pupils are very polite; I currently have three different pupils who call me 'Sir'(!). And they are all so restrained. I struggle to think of any pupil that swears. Actually, there is one. On the face of it, she is very polite and restrained but, if anyone steps out in front of her, or doesn't give way when they should, she lets fly with language which would make Chubby Brown blush. But she is very much the exception.
Funnily enough, the boys don't swear at all. If they do something wrong (or if another road user does something wrong), they tend to quietly grumble, at worst. Mostly they just don't react, emotionally.
The girls do tend to be more vocal with their thoughts about other drivers/cyclists/pedestrians, or their own mistakes. But very rarely is it anything stronger than 'Crap!' or 'Bugger!'
I have one pupil whose language really tickles me. She is only 17 but she uses such old-fashioned language. She will say 'Crikey!', 'Blimey!' 'Gosh!' and, best of all, 'Oh my giddy aunt!'; language that even my grandparents would have found old-fashioned. But, strangely, it sounds very natural when she says these things, it doesn't sound even slightly false. Sadly (from a very selfish point of view), she passed her test last week, so I am now denied the pleasure of her language. But, very well done Jodie. I have rarely seen anyone as shocked at passing their test (and at the first attempt) as you, but I will miss your exclamations. Congratulations also, to Conner and Robbie, who passed their tests on the same day. It was an almost identical day to the previous day: 5 tests, 3 passes and 8 driver errors between them.

When thing go wrong, either a mistake my pupil has made, or another road user has made, we talk about the consequences of such an error and, if it is our fault, we discuss how to remedy it so that it doesn't happen again. I like other drivers doing stupid things because it gives us a chance to analyse these real situations, rather than just in theory. But, after 7 years of instructing, I finally lost my temper the other day...

Take a close look at the road in this photo. It is Castle Terrace in Ullapool. If you look carefully you will see that is only wide enough for one car - the parked cars are actually parked on the pavement. I was with a relatively new pupil, doing some basic junction work. Castle Terrace is only 200 -250m long and has a bend in it that, because of the  narrow width of the road, should be approached at no more than jogging speed. She negotiated the bend nicely then a black Ford Focus, with German plates, appeared close behind us. She started bring her speed up, but no point in accelerating too much with the end of the road only 100m away. The German tourist behind us couldn't wait a matter of 15 - 20 seconds and, to my horror and incredulity, I saw that he was trying to overtake us by going on to the pavement. Ok, it is a dipped curb, and there were no pedestrians, but it is probably the most utterly stupid piece of driving I have ever seen (and that is saying something!). I immediately took the wheel, because there must have been mere centimetres between us, and braked to a stop - I didn't want him cutting too sharply back in front of us. My temper finally snapped and I gave a long, long blast on the horn.
I apologised to my pupil. I explained that I should not have used the horn like that but I just wanted the other driver to know that he was a complete...... That he was in the wrong. My knowledge of German is rubbish. I can say "That is my stick of chalk", or "That is an umbrella" in German, but I don't know how to say "Excuse me, my good man, do you know what 'adequate clearance' means?"
I wonder what Jodie would have said? I don't think "Crikey!" would have sufficed.

The longest day

According to my calendar the longest day of the year is next week. I love this time of year. It is now nearly midnight and there is still plenty of light in the sky.
According to my diary however, today was definitely the longest day..... Ever... No less than 5 tests, plus 7½ hours of other lessons in Ullapool.
Ross, Lauren and Paul did themselves (and me) proud by all passing, with a respectable eight driver errors between the three of them. Sadly, my other two tests weren't as successful, but we'll put it right next time.
A slightly strange feeling having all those tests then, at 3.30pm, realising I still have five more lessons to go. When I finally finished, at nearly 9.30pm - 13½ hours after my day started - I was really looking forward to a pint. But the best moment of the day came when, as I parked my car, Paul pulled up alongside. In the ten hours since passing his test he had bought himself a car and taken his girlfriend out for a day out in Inverness. His expression was a combination of relief, delight and, most of all, achievement.... It made my day.
Tomorrow won't be quite as demanding: Only (another) five tests and five other lessons. But, if it is half as rewarding as today, I will be the happiest instructor in Scotland.

Red, white & bloom

I caught some of the (slightly excessive) coverage of the Jubilee. I'm not the most patriotic person, but I'm always in favour of seeing hundreds of thousands of people enjoying themselves. Just a shame that the weather made everything look reddish-grey, grey and greyish-blue.
As far as the weather was concerned, it was the opposite here. And this coincided with the Highlands at perhaps their most colourful. In addition to the usual blues and greens, the scenery is awash with splashes of almost every other colour imaginable.
The trouble is, I am useless at remembering plant names. I know that the yellows are Gorse, Broom and Laburnum, and I think lots of the mauve stuff is Rhododendron, or is it Azalea? And the green bits are definitely grass.
No, botany is not my bag. Jane knows it. She puts loads of time and effort into our garden and tries to educate me in these matters, but, for some reason, I find it hard to absorb all this knowledge she has. Ask me what was the b-side of Tommy Gun by The Clash? In which geological period was Portland stone formed? Which 1975 film won the 5 major Oscars? What is the formula for calculating the volume of a sphere? What is the capital of Bhutan? Who scored the winning goal in the 1971 FA Cup final? Twin Peaks centered on whose murder? And (hopefully) which is the only circular British road sign with three arrows on it? I could answer all of these for you. But ask me what a Begonia looks like and I wouldn't have a clue.
I often join one of the teams in the weekly quiz at The Argyll, Ullapool, where, fortunately, there are very few gardening questions. In the last couple of months the quiz has had an extra frisson of competitiveness because, in addition to the usual prize (a pizza), the top team over a period of 8 weeks will go forth to some quiz final in Edinburgh in August. We had a sticky couple of weeks, where The Pact, a team of schoolteachers, beat us, but, overall, we, Way out West, qualified to represent Ullapool in the capital. I shall keep you informed of our progress.
Many locals pretend to eschew the Queen and the Jubilee but, in last night's quiz, the highest scoring round for most teams was...... The Jubilee. I did have one panicky moment when the questionmaster asked 'Who has recently appointed as the manager of Liverpool FC?' Everyone on the team turned to me (Liverpool are my team), but I had a mental block and I couldn't think! Luckily, it came to me before the end of the round. At the moment, the name Brendan Rogers doesn't have the same resonance as Shankly, Paisley, Dalglish, or even Benitez, so perhaps I could be forgiven.

Silly season

I know. I'm sorry. I've been busy. What can I say?
Almost a month since my last post. Must try harder.
Often, I'll be driving along, and I'll think of something that I want to write about. Then I'll get busy with lessons or something and I'll forget what it was that was. Other times, I will start typing, save it, then, when I return to finish the post, I'll think 'No, I don't think I'll bother with that.'
So, my May resolution is to get here a bit more regularly. "Little and often" as one of my (pub) customers used to be fond of saying.

As we approach the end of April, I hope I am safe in saying that we were lucky with the weather this winter. We had some snow, but nothing like the previous two years. In fact, there has been fresh snow this week, but, a month ago, we had temperatures up to 23 - 24C. There has been many a day when, in one lesson, we'll have the car windows down and shades on, but in the next, the heater will be on with the windscreen wipers pinging backwards and forwards.
But, whatever the weather, silly season is approaching... sorry, I meant 'tourist season'.

We have these things by the side of the road called 'pavements' (or 'sidewalks' if you prefer). They are usually quite flat and ideal for walking on (unless you live in Xi'an in Northern China  - see video). Then we have these other things, called 'roads', which lie inbetween the pavements, and are useful for driving or cycling on. Sometimes people get confused. Sometimes people cycle on the pavements, sometimes I have the occasional pupil who seems to want to drive on the pavement, and often, pedestrians walk on the roads.

The 2012 tourist season has only just started, but I have already lost count of the number of times we have had to slow down, or stop, because pedestrians are walking in the road (despite there being a perfectly good pavement just a few inches away). Not only that, but it seems that many people are now using cameras without a zoom. Let's take the Fowler Memorial Clock in Ullapool as an example. It is situated on the (nice, safe) pavement, at the Argyle Street/Quay Street crossroads. It is a very nice clock. So nice, that people like take photographs of it. But rather than stand anywhere on the pavement (or even on the other side of the road and use the zoom on their camera), people do seem to like standing in THE MIDDLE OF THE CROSSROADS to take the picture.
Last summer, during a lesson, my pupil was driving along Shore Street, towards the ferry. Ahead, we could see a group of 5-6 people, standing in the middle of a crossroads having a chat. We checked our rear mirror and gradually slowed, waiting for them to step a couple of metres to the side. Nothing. We had now slowed to 2 or 3mph, but trying to keep moving to make our intentions clear. Eventually we had to stop. They had looked at us and resumed their conversation. "What planet are you from?!"  I wanted to yell at them. But we politely smiled and waved as we slowly passed them, once they had finally stepped aside. Ok, Ullapool does not have the same traffic density as say London, Bangkok or even Little Piddleton-in-the-sticks, but motorists (and cyclists) do like to use the roads to get from A to B, and they prefer not to be delayed by photographers or chinwaggers.
Last week, one of my pupils (who hasn't got the best grasp of the English language) was having a lesson. We were approaching a group of three men who, for some reason know only to them, were walking in the middle of the road, when there was an empty pavement next to them. Again, I instructed my pupil to slow down, hold back, and give them time to realise that we were there and step out of the road. They didn't seem to be in any rush to move, so I was just about to suggest that he looked for a safe opportunity to drive around them when BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!! He had given them a long blast on the horn before I could stop him! I have just had my logo put on my car (see photos), so there was absolutely no mistaking who we were. The three men gave us very dirty looks as we drove past and I gave them a very embarrassed wave of apology. I asked my pupil to pull over and tried to explain that, yes, the horn can be used to warn others of our presence, but sometimes we just need to be a little more patient.

Mum's the word.

After the temporary (I hope) blip with those two tests on the previous Tuesday, normal service was resumed the following day (and not even a hint of sandstorms).

Kerry was taking her test - her first attempt - and Inverness was enjoying beautiful blue sky and very pleasant temperatures. Although you can never be absolutely certain, I am always confident that my pupils should pass, I wouldn't be letting them take their test otherwise. With Kerry I just knew. The hour lesson before was so comfortable, perfect weather, windows open and a relaxing drive - I even had the radio on quietly, something I do very rarely in lessons.
Kerry obviously kept the standard up during her test, passing with just a couple of driver errors. Very proud of you Kerry.
Kerry had held firm against pressure from her friends who had been badgering her to reveal the date of her test. I would always recommend this course of action, it takes some of the pressure off. However, as soon as she passed, she couldn't wait to tell her friends and family by phone and Facebook.

Tuesday brought another test. When one of my pupil passes I usually add to their congratulation messages on Facebook and I often mention it on this blog. They passed easily but, afterwards, they asked me if I could not mention it on Facebook.
"Of course." I replied, and I assume they don't want me to mention their name here either. I didn't ask why, but I would never ignore such a request.
I was curious though. Had they been offered a job as Getaway driver for a gang of Bank robbers? Or maybe they were worried that all their friends were going to pester them for lifts? Possibly they just wanted to keep it secret for a few days before surprising someone. Over the years I have had several customers who have taken their lessons in secret, so that they could surprise their husband/girlfriend/parents etc when they passed.
A couple of years ago another driving instructor, Daniel, who also has a blog, asked how my customers/ pupils felt about being named. I have to confess, I had mentioned pupils by name many times, even when it was not always congratulatory, and had perhaps not given it as much thought as I should have. After Daniel's query I reconsidered mentioning people unless it is complimentary or I know they are happy about it (or even request it).

No such thing as Facebook, or even texting, when I passed my driving test. And, although I don't remember going around telling loads of people, I was keen to tell my family and friends.
The very next day I had more tests, this time in Ullapool. Congratulations to Oonagh White and Sandy Urquhart - two excellent passes, with just five driver errors between them. Within the hour they had posted on Facebook, saying how pleased and excited they were to have passed
I have never forgotten my reaction to passing my test, and I see that same reaction (sometimes even more excited) on almost every pupil when they pass their test. If I was 17 and having to go through it all again I am sure I would be straight onto Facebook after passing (or maybe after a cheeky solo drive first), but I'll always respect anyone's request for privacy.

Frozen planet

December in the North-West Highlands and the weak winter sun remains low above the mountains surrounding  Ullapool, even at midday.
The herds of tourists that populate the village during the summer months have long since made the journey back South, in search of central heating, traffic and shopping centres. Small flocks of hillwalkers and climbers can still sometimes be seen but, in general, the colder weather keeps people away.
Today though, there is a nervousness amongst some of the population. Today is the day when a lone Lesser-spotted Examiner is expected to make an appearance.
This is a mixed blessing for some of the population. For many weeks the local Pale Learners have been seen, moving around the area. During these formative weeks the Pale Learners have progressed from stumbling jerkily around car parks and quieter roads to galloping around the wider area. It is during these crucial formative times that they are constantly accompanied by various species of Instructor. The Instructor doesn't let them out of sight. Initially the Pale Learners are happy with this symbiotic arrangement; the Instructor helps build their confidence and the Pale Learner helps keep the Instructor fed. But this situation cannot last; there will be a new Pale Learners coming soon, vying for the Instructor's attention, and, besides, the Pale Learners want to shed their red markings and begin the transformation into fully-fledged Drivers.
Before they can do this, they have to undertake a ritual known as the 'driving test'. By the time their turn arrives they should be competent enough to complete this with ease. They feel confident that they can do this, and so should their Instructor, but it is only under the watchful eye of the Lesser-spotted Examiners that they can demonstrate their skills. Consequently, the thought of an Examiner approaching usually causes quite a stir.
One of the Instructors seems anxious. He has been watching the skies. The weather is deteriorating and, if the conditions are not good enough then it is possible that the Examiner will not show.
Disaster strikes. Sunday morning brings the first significant snow of the Winter. This is too much for even some of the more experienced 'Drivers', whose small brains cannot cope with the change in conditions. This time they are lucky. They may be injured and their pride damaged, but, this time at least, they live to drive another day.
The Instructor paces fretfully. He has to hope that the temperature will increase and bring a thaw, or else his Pale Learners will have to wait for another opportunity to take their driving test. But the signs are not good. Monday morning he awakes to find 4 - 5 inches of snow. With only 24 hours to go it seems the fate of the Learners is out of his hands. The Pale Learners show their displeasure. Some of them venture out into the snow - it is experience that will stand them in good stead over the next few months - but many of them prefer to hide inside in the warmth, hoping that the snow will not last long.

The next day brings a thaw. The snow is melting and the Instructor peers curiously from his lair. Three of his Pale Learners are expecting to take their test today. There is nothing at the moment to suggest that the Examiner will not appear. The Instructor and the Learner move around the village, galloping, trotting and crawling, sometimes even demonstrating bizarre backwards movements. They have done all they can now. They just have to wait.
The Instructor scans the horizon, looking for any sign of a prowling Examiner.

Finally, they accept defeat. It seems as though the conditions are too much for the Examiner. Although most of the snow has gone, and although the conditions are far from harsh, it appears that the Pale Learner will have to wait another month, maybe two, before they can free themselves from the watchful eye of the Instructor and venture out alone into the wild.

More tests, Morris Dancing, mad weather and a little bit of luck

After my less than comfortable excursion to Gairloch, it was a welcome relief to get back to my own pupils in Ullapool. It was like putting an Aretha Frankin CD on after spending the morning listening to X Factor auditions.
The next day I had four pupils taking their test:
We started at 7.30am. My first pupil first had driving lessons twenty odd years ago, but had been put off driving until one of her colleagues recommended me to her. I think she had reached the stage where she assumed she would never drive. As a result, she seemed in deep shock when she passed, first time, with just four driver faults. Very well-done Karen. Have fun with your new Suzuki and thank you very much for the bottle of Laphroaig.
Lawrence had the 9.37am test and also passed at his first attempt. Surprising how easy driving is when you give yourself time.
A wee bit of pressure on me for the 10.44am test. A few months ago Effie, one of our crack quiz team, said that her son's girlfriend had booked her test and could I help her out? Well I would be delighted to help, but would it affect our quiz team dynamic if we weren't successful?
I eased the pressure by going to The Tea Store for a Big Hot Roll and a pot of tea. The manageress and I chatted about learning to drive and it transpired that she had learned to drive near where I grew up. When the conversation came around to my pub, The Cross Keys in Totternhoe, she said "I used to dance there!" She then went on to explain that she was one of the founder members of Caddington Blues, a Morris Dancing troupe.
"You should found a Morris Dancing troupe here." I suggested.
"Hmmm. Maybe we could do something for the Ullapool dance festival next year? So I can count on your participation?"
I hadn't expected that, "Er..... er....... Sure. Yes. Count me in."
We shall see. Meanwhile, if anyone else fancies jigging about with sticks, bells, funny hats and hankies, then make yourself known at The Tea Store.
Tea and Big Hot Roll polished off, I walked back to find that Julia had also passed with just four driver faults. Very well done Julia, good luck with your interview (which you can now drive to.
At the start of October I got an email from someone asking if they could have a semi-intensive course with me in Ullapool. She would be moving back to Glasgow in January and hoped to pass her test before then. She confessed that she had initially approached another instructor in Ullapool but he only offered her lessons on the very days she said she couldn't do. Good for me though. She put the time and effort in but, unfortunately, she couldn't get a test in Ullapool, so she booked her test in Inverness. We drove to Inverness (only her third lesson there) and, despite going a different direction to that which the examiner asked, passed well with 5 driver faults. Very well deserved Zoe. See you in two weeks for your Pass Plus.
A very successful day then; four tests and four passes AND an invitation to become a Morris Dancer!

The transition from Bob to Noel at the Argyll quiz was seamless. It was as though Noel had been doing it for years. However, we have been on a bit of a winning run recently and, with one round to go, we were half a point behind. The last round is the Wipeout round. You get points for every correct answer, but if you don't know an answer you should leave it blank because one wrong answer wipes out your score for that round. The temptation though is that, if you answer all ten correctly, you get five bonus points. We were pretty confident about 8 of the 10, but we decided to gamble on going for the whole lot. Which company has a black 'M' in a white circle as their logo? We put Morrisons, but it turned out to be Motorola. We therefore wiped out and finished fourth. FOURTH?!?!? 'Bring back Bob' I say!

Now I can normally sleep through anything. Many years ago, when I was running a pub, I had such a bad hangover one day that I  was convinced I was going to die. Unfortunately, the door to my flat was blocked by a table of people in the restaurant, so I couldn't go and die in the comfort of my bed. I staggered through to the lovely cool cellar and the only space I could find to lie down was on top of a chest freezer. I thankfully fell asleep and the staff and my mother took great pleasure in showing the pub regulars me sleeping on the freezer. Thursday night however, not even I could sleep through the howling wind, rain, thunder and lightning in Ullapool. The next day it continued. In addition, we also had snow down to low hill levels, bright sunshine, sleet and thick hail. Sometimes it was so loud we could not hear ourselves talk in the car. Winter was on its way. But it was reassuring to see the snowploughs already out.

Saturday morning I had my fifth test of the week, ok, sixth, I was trying to forget the one in Gairloch. This one also in Inverness, and another first-timer. My pupil asked the examiner if I could sit in the back during his test. A bit of a nervous start, but no errors. We were coming downhill on Tower Road, down to the T-junction with Barn Church Road. It's a bit of an unusual junction; turning right is controlled by traffic lights, but turning left is a give-way. My pupil was asked to turn left. The traffic lights (for turning right) were red, but I could see that it was safe for him to proceed at the junction. He began slowing to a stop. "Noooo!" I thought. Luckily, there was nothing behind us or he would certainly have incurred a serious fault. He realised, just in time, that he should be ignoring the lights, and only picked up a driver (minor) fault for 'planning'. He only had one other driver fault and thus passed with just two faults. So, apart from those couple of seconds where you had me squirming, it was a very good drive. Congratulations Robert, enjoy all that extra time you will have now you don't have to rely on public transport.

It's always a bit strange when you spend time with people such as Robert, Zoe, Julia, Lawrence and Karen, and then go on to pupils who are still struggling with aspects of their driving. The thing is to treat each person as an individual. Solutions for one pupil may not work for another, that is where the core competencies are so vital (for those of you doing Pt 3 training). It may take a matter of weeks (such as in Zoe's case), or it may take months, but they all get there in the end.

Aural torture

The other day I was driving home, listening to the radio, when I heard a fantastic track. I didn't catch the title, but it was by Etta James. I love her version of 'I would rather go blind' and am now kicking myself for not catching the song title - it has been ages since I have heard something that had such an impact on me.
Amazingly, the next night, another track also had a big impact on me. Unfortunately, not in a good way. We were watching BBC's Children in need and they introduced 'The Collective' performing the 2011 Children in need single, Teardrop. My jaw dropped as 'The Collective' proceeded to massacre Massive Attack's song. Ok, I may be a tad biased, as Elisabeth Fraser was the vocalist on the original, but Tulisa's vocal was unbelievably bad in comparison. The next morning I was waiting at a garage when the same track came on the radio. On the single Tulisa's voice was slightly improved by autotune, but I was almost hopping round in anguish, being forced to listen to it.
Saturday night was apparently 'movies night' on The X Factor. One of them sang a cover of Aretha Franklin's Think, from The Blues Brothers (and also, apparently, from Bridget Jones' diary). Tulisa, now in her role as 'singing judge' declared that it was "a bad song choice" because 'she had never heard that track' causing my jaw to drop for the second consecutive night. It was a bit like a film critic saying they had never heard of Jaws. 


Wednesday night saw the end of an era when Bob hosted his last ever quiz at The Argyll in Ullapool. He is moving to Edinburgh in the pursuit of true love and we wish him well. Apparently Noel will take over the mic, I wonder whether he will continue the actress/bishop 'jokes' and the abuse of teams with unimaginative names.

Monday afternoon I received a text enquiry from someone asking if I gave lessons in Gairloch. The short answer is 'no, I don't.' Gairloch is 92 miles (over 2 hours) from me and 56 miles (an hour and a quarter) from Ullapool. I have taken pupils for test there when they have been unable to get a test in Ullapool, but I have to charge them for every hour, so it's not a cheap option. The person then called me and said that he had seen on this blog that I have taken pupils for test in Gairloch. I explained the logistics and he said that he would be willing to pay for my time because 'his test was the next morning'! I politely declined and suggested he call Kenny, the only instructor I knew of that covered Gairloch.
A while later he called back and said that Kenny could not help. I did not have to be in Ullapool until 12pm, so, with his test being at 9.37am, it was just possible to get over to Gairloch, let him take his test, and get to Ullapool in time for my afternoon lessons, but it would mean setting off at 6am, so I calculated what it would cost him. But, before we agreed, I needed to know if he was ready for his test. So I quizzed him on his experience.
"I have had over 30 hours of lessons in London and I have taken one test, but I failed because I didn't cancel my indicator. And now I am in Gairloch."
Now, I have plenty of experience of driving in London and some experience of driving in Gairloch. I thought that, if he had been close to passing his test in London, he should be ok to take his test in Gairloch.
"Ok," I agreed, "I should be in Gairloch about 8.15 - 8.30, giving us a good hour to have a look at anything you're not sure about."
"I'm staying in Inverness tonight. Can you pick me up there?"
"That's fine," Inverness is on the way to Gairloch from where I stay, "I'll be there at 7am."
So, 7 o'clock Tuesday morning, I arrive at the address in Inverness, check his licence and tell him that he can drive, to give him a chance to get used to the car. We set off and..... something's not quite right.....
He can't drive...... Ok, an exaggeration. He can drive a bit, but not well. And certainly not well enough to pass his test. Do I refuse to take him and waste my entire morning? Or do I carry on, give him as much instruction as I can in the next two hours? It is too late now to question him further on his previous driving experience, I just have to teach him what I can.
"So what brought you to Gairloch from London?" I ask.
"To take my driving test."
"Yes, but why did you move to Gairloch?"
"No, I live in London. But I see that Gairloch has the highest test pass rate in the country, so I decide to take my test there."
I wanted to bang my head on a wall. He had come all the way to the Highlands to take his test (in an area he had never even seen before), purely because he had learned Gairloch had a high pass rate. He had not considered that it might be because Kenny might be a very good instructor. Kenny gets sick of other instructors bringing their pupils to Gairloch for a supposedly easier test, and I don't blame him. Yet, here I was, conned into doing the same.

Gairloch coos 

As we neared Gairloch, the hills became steeper and he couldn't cope with it. He couldn't hear the engine struggling in 5th gear and reacted far too slow to my instruction to change down. We came to a stalling stop - on a 60 mph road.
I'll cut the story short: We got to Gairloch. I had done my best, but his driving was still poor. I shouldn't present someone for test unless I am confident they are going to be safe and in control without me. It's a waste of everyone's time and not a pleasant situation for the examiner (even if my car does have dual controls - the examiner does not want to use them). I was kicking myself for agreeing to let him take his test without an assessment of his driving. I did the only thing I could do. I hid. I took my ADI licence out of the window and removed my signage. We drove to the narrow lane where the test starts from. I told him to go into the fire-station to meet the examiner and I would return at the end of the test. So, while the poor examiner was presumably subjected to 40 minutes of buttock-clenching discomfort, I sat in the cosy Mountain Coffee cafe, enjoying a fine coffee and a delicious (and substantial) ginger and date scone (I had hoped for one of their excellent marmalade scones, but they had sold out).
Eventually, I watched my car return and I trudged up the hill to see how he had got on. 'You never know', I thought, 'he may have pulled it all together'. I was deluded. Although he seemed quite happy that he had 'Only got 11 driving faults. That's less than last time', he had 3 serious faults (steering, gears and approach speed to junctions - poor examiner).
I told him where he could catch the bus back to Inverness but he asked if he could go with me to Ullapool. I had no immediate reason to refuse. Damn. Big mistake.
His initial acceptance of the test result soon changed to one of anger.
"I can't believe he failed me."
I try to be diplomatic, "Perhaps you didn't quite convince him that you will be fine on the roads?" I suggested, imagining white terror on the examiner's face.
"But how can he fail me in Gairloch? It has a 70% pass rate."
I tried to explain that that meant 30% of people fail, but I didn't add that most of those are probably much better drivers than him. But I am glad he failed. Coming all the way to Inverness and Gairloch (plus my fee) would not have been cheap. He obviously thought it would be a cheap way of obtaining his licence, which backfired badly. However, I admit that I was wrong to take him without assessing his driving first and I apologise to the examiner.
The drive from Gairloch to Ullapool is breathtaking. It was a beautiful clear day and the drive should have been a real pleasure. Unfortunately, he spent most of the journey ignoring the scenery and telling me how wrong the examiner was and how it didn't matter anyway because he had friends who could get him a dodgy Zimbabwean driving licence which would be valid in the UK. I am not au fait with Zimbabwe/UK licence matters so I didn't comment - I'm sure he would not have listened to any alternative I may have suggested, such as 'take more driving lessons and get your licence legally'.
Thankfully, he started to fall asleep after an hour, so I tried to drive ultra carefully so as to not wake him and listen to more rubbish. I had already heard enough rubbish this week, whether from deluded learner drivers or X Factor judges.

If Carlsberg ran driving test centres.....

Picture the scene; four ageing driving instructors are sat in Inverness driving test centre. The year is 2041 and driving test centres have changed. The four instructors sit in plush, comfy chairs with their feet immersed in basins while Hepatitis-free fish give them pedicures. Waiting staff bring them a choice of drinks and a selection of tasty food on demand. The sweet vintage sounds of The Pixies, White Stripes, The Clash et al play on the MP7 player, while a 2 metre 3D television plays sport, comedy or films of their choice.


1st Instructor: "Ahh... Very passable this, very passable."
2nd Instructor: "Nothing like a good cup of cappuccino, eh?"
3rd Instructor: "You're right there."
4th Instructor: "Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking the finest Italian cappuccino?"
1st Instructor: "Aye. In them days we'd a' been glad to have instant coffee from a vending machine."
2nd Instructor: "A cup of cold  coffee."
3rd Instructor: "Without milk or sugar."
4th instructor: "Or coffee!"
1st Instructor: "In a filthy, plastic cup."
2nd Instructor: "We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up What Car magazine."
3rd Instructor: "The best WE could manage was to suck the coffee granules that were stuck to the spoon."
4th Instructor: "But you know, we were happy in those days, though the DSA were poor."
1st Instructor: "BECAUSE they were poor. Old David Cameron used to say to us, "Money doesn't buy you happiness. We need to make more cuts."
2nd Instructor: 'E was right. I was happier then and the DSA had NOTHIN'. This test centre used to be a dreary, overheated room with blue, metal chairs and a bathroom where the light only came on when you were leaving."
3rd Instructor: "Bathroom? You were lucky to have a BATHROOM! At Elgin test centre we used to have a tiny, dark room, with no vending machine, just a kettle. And you had to walk next door to the Community Centre if you needed the bathroom."
4th Instructor: You were LUCKY to have a Community Centre. At Grantown test centre there was no room, no bathroom and nowhere nearby if you needed the toilet; you would have to find a plastic bottle."
1st Instructor: "Ohh, we used to DREAM of finding a plastic bottle. At Gailoch test centre, if you needed the toilet, the only way you could get privacy was to wander into a field and squat down in the middle of a flock of sheep. Bathroom? Hhmmph!"
2nd Instructor: "Well, when I say a 'bathroom' it was only an adjoining wall of a building people referred to as the 'test centre', but it were a test centre to us."
3rd instructor: "We were evicted from our test centre. In Ullapool, we had to meet at the Pottery Centre car park, then stand around in the rain, snow and gales, peering through the window, pretending to be interested in pottery for 45 minutes."
4th Instructor: "You were lucky to have a car park! In Gairloch we had to park up on a narrow country lane, stand there in the howling Atlantic weather because the cafe was shut. Then, when you were just about to die from frostbite, you would have to wait even longer because your pupil's test had been held up by a farmer herding his sheep through the village."
1st Instructor: "Frostbite you say?"
4th Instructor: "Aye."
1st Instructor: "You were lucky. At Alness test centre we would have dreamed of dying from frostbite. The few magazines left scattered on the table were so old that you died of boredom before your pupil returned from their test."
2nd Instructor: "Well we had it tough. At Elgin test centre we had to arrive 4 hours early, carry the examiner on our shoulders to the car. Then, if the pupil failed their test, the examiner would leap out of the car and slice us in two with a bread knife."
3rd Instructor: "RIGHT. At Ullapool test centre, we had to arrive 2 days early, walk in front of the examiner, licking the ground clean for him as he walked towards the car. Stand in a blizzard for 3 weeks because our pupil had got buried in a snow drift Then, when the examiner failed the pupil, he would kill us both and dance around on our graves singing "Hallelujah!"
4th Instructor: "But you try and tell the young instructors today that and they won't believe ya."

It never rains......

Loopallu has been and gone, more of my lessons include the use of headlights and X Factor and  Strictly... are beginning to dominate the television schedules. These are the modern indicators of Autumn; it would be impossible to tell from the weather because it is just as wet and windy as the Summer.
I feel sorry for the tourists this year - they have not seen the Highlands at its finest. In Ullapool this morning the weather was atrocious and tourists sat huddled in hotels and cafes wondering why they decided to come here in the first place. It is bin day in Ullapool and the empty wheelie-bins being blown over only added to the miserable scene. But never mind the tourists, I have my pupils to think about.
Unusually, I only have one pupil on test today (lots of pupils waiting for tests though). If you read my previous post, you may remember that I tempted fate by saying I was 99.9999% sure he would pass. As his test began the weather was worsening. It was bad enough in the relative shelter of Ullapool, but, as they drove out to Ardmair bay, the mass of rain in the wind made for awful driving conditions. So, extra credit to Alexander O'Neil (no, not that one - much to my wife's disappointment) for passing with 3 driving faults. And extra relief for me because I was beginning to regret my last post.
Not much else to report at the moment. I had a quick check on my stats for this blog and for my 'professional' website. I have bored you with this before, but it is sometimes puzzling what search terms people use to find my sites. After mentioning Jedward in a previous post I received dozens of hits from people searching for talentless twosome. Inshes roundabout always generates lots of views, it is obviously of concern to Inverness drivers (and not just learners). Someone had come to my blog after searching for 'L1pps on plenty of fish' ????? No, I have no idea what they were really after. Someone from Russia decided my blog was THE place to read about 'розовая машина' (I wish I knew). And, most bizarrely, yesterday someone clicked on this blog after Googling 'dogging grantown tonight'. I'm not sure whether I am relieved or disappointed that I was 29th in the list of results. But dogging in Grantown? Haven't they seen the weather out there?!

Anarchy and alliteration

In the light of recent events, I am keeping a watchful eye for any signs of agitation and anarchy in Auldearn, disturbance and disorder in Dyke, or upheaval and unrest in Ullapool. In truth, it is hardly likely.... it just isn't the weather for riots and rampaging. All the Highland hoodies are sensibly at home, only causing chaos and carnage on their Playstations.
In fact, the only signs of anti-establishment behaviour are coming from parents of my pupils. I'm exaggerating of course - my pupils' parents are all wonderful people (who just so happen to pay me money) - but one or two of them have dared to question my methods...

Last week, at the end of a lesson, one of my pupil's mum arranged to pay for a block of lessons in the remaining weeks before his test. "And you're teaching him all the test routes, aren't you?" she asked.
Until last year, the DSA published the test routes for each driving test centre. Consequently, many instructors seemed to teach almost exclusively on these routes. You could almost guarantee that a particular road would have 2 or 3 learner drivers practicing their 3-point turns (alright, 'turn-in-the-roads'), and certain junctions would always have someone practicing their left-reverse (I don't think I have ever seen anyone practicing a right reverse). Then someone at the DSA said 'Hold on a minute. This isn't right. If someone is capable of passing their test they should be capable of driving anywhere.' Quite right, too. So, now, the DSA no longer publish their test routes. They still have them, and driving instructors still use them (they get to know them from sitting in on tests), but at least there has been a slight shift away from repetition of test routes.
So I politely replied "There are no set test routes anymore" and explained that I would make sure her son would be competent and confident wherever they took him on test. It simply wasn't worth getting on my soapbox about it.
Perhaps I should have told her the truth. The truth is I am not a nice person, at least not to my pupils. As they progress I will make things increasingly difficult for them. I will take them to the nastiest junctions, ask them to do a reversing manoeuvre in busy roads, and, in short, try to make their lessons as tough as I can. The idea being that, if they can cope with that, then the test should be comparatively easy. After all, once they have passed their test then they will often be on their own, so they need to be able to deal with the tough stuff.

A couple of days later, one of my pupils said that her dad would like to sit in on one of her lessons and would I mind? "Of course I don't mind.... as long as you don't." (it is her lesson, after all). I am always willing to have a pupil's parent/boyfriend/wife/whatever sit in on lessons if they want. But this was the first time in years it has happened. It was only an hour lesson, in Inverness, and I wanted to cover as much as possible to give her dad things to work on in their private practice. Her driving is coming along nicely, so I wanted to concentrate on her weaknesses and made sure that her dad could hear and see all my instruction. At the end of the lesson I turned to her dad to discuss the lesson and what they could work on when practicing.
"Can you tell me the test routes?" was his first question.

Ullapool Tall Ships Festival

The Ullapool Tall Ships festival was great fun. Nice to take a few 'proper' days off and, judging by how busy the village got, driving lessons would not have been too productive. The weather forecast was not good, but, although not exactly 'July' weather, it wasn't too bad. Around Friday lunchtime it was actually quite hot and, even when it did drizzle, it did nothing to dampen the festival atmosphere.
There was talk of trying to beat the world record for the most people taking part in a 'Strip the Willow' dance. About 500 people took part (pictured), some way short of the record, but, even if they had have taken the record, it would have beaten by 2000 people in Oban, just an hour later.
Perhaps it was because Loch Broom is so sheltered, but it was a little disappointing that the Tall Ships did not come into Ullapool under sail. I have to admit, I was expecting a few more ships, but the ones that did dock were very impressive. Jane and I enjoyed the hospitality of Sarah and Sandy Mackenzie, in their B&B overlooking the harbour. The first evening Sandy took us out in his boat to take a closer look at the ships. After that he got his fishing rod out and, in complete contrast to my most recent fishing experiences, caught two pollack and a mackerel within just a few minutes. Now that kind of fishing I can understand.
There was live music on the pier each night. We went the first night, where The Vatersay Boys kept the whole crowd dancing. Afterwards, it was refreshing that, when you heard the thump-thump-thump of an approaching car's sound system, it was Ceilidh music that was being belted out. There was plenty of choice for live music in the pubs and bars on Saturday night, so we passed on The Saw Doctors, but it didn't really matter who had been playing because everyone was just out to have a good time.

Parking was very much at a premium, in fact, a park & ride system was in operation, and sadistic fun was had watching people trying to squeeze into impossible gaps before giving up and driving off. Campervans are not the easiest vehicles to manoeuvre, but I hope that almost all my pupils could have done a better job of parking  than the driver of this vehicle... Why use one bay when you can take up four?!

Sitting on the dock of the bay

What do you think? Should I be blogging regularly - say, every 3 or 4 days - or just when the mood takes me? The reason I ask is because I haven't been too prolific of late, but I see from my Statcounter thingy that various people seem to check this site daily.
Unfortunately, the sad truth is that nothing too dramatic has been happening recently. A couple of new pupils since I last wrote, one test and no buses ramming me.
The test was disappointing. It was her second attempt and recent lessons had given her much more confidence compared to her first attempt. It is always a good sign when they can drive around and I almost forget they are a learner. However, a momentary lapse in her control during the manoeuvre cost her her test and, with only a handful of driving faults, the examiner actually apologised for the result, saying what a nice drive it had been. That was good for her to hear and I'm pleased that she is being so positive and has immediately rescheduled another test and a series of lessons. Too often pupils become a bit sporadic in their lessons after a fail.

I have begun using alternative routes to get around my area, especially Nairn and Inverness. A sudden explosion in the number of new traffic lights in Nairn, plus the building of a Sainsburys (their first branch within over 100 miles of here) has led to a series of roadworks. I don't usually mind this, but it gives me a good reason for taking the scenic route through Cawdor and Croy. This weekend was worse on the A96 (Inverness - Aberdeen) due to the Scottish Golf open at the new Castle Stuart course, a few miles east of Inverness. A lovely course and it was a shame that it coincided with the worst weather for months - it is not often that a premier golf tournament is disrupted by landslides.

At this precise moment, I am sat on a bench at Ullapool harbour, overlooking Loch Broom, enjoying the early morning sunshine while the village slowly wakes. Just when I thought it couldn't get much better, a pupil who stopped her lessons last summer to go travelling in Asia has just walked up to me and paid me for her last lesson (almost a year ago), as well as arranging more lessons now she is back in the village.

The village may be very tranquil at the moment, but I am sure that will all change over the next 24 hours. Not only is it the weekend of the Hebridean Celtic Festival (with Ullapool being the ferry terminal to get to the Hebrides), but the village has been chosen as a guest port for the 2011 Cruise in Company Tall Ships race .
Ullapool is only a small village, with a population of approx 1,400, and, during the winter, it is an easy place to drive around. That starts to change through the Summer when tourists swell the numbers and driving becomes a little more challenging. But with the number of people expected in the village this weekend I don't think conditions will be conducive to productive driving lessons. Conditions will be much more suited to me and Jane taking the weekend off and enjoying all that the Tall Ships Festival has to offer.

(Later in the day). The last of the day's lessons ended just in time. By the time my last lesson today started, the village was getting quite busy and people were just parking anywhere. Approaching an uphill T-junction, we could see cars parked right on the junction, making it very difficult to see when it was clear to emerge. My pupil, Mairead, is quite competent, but this was a real challenge. She slowed right down, selected 1st gear, brought the clutch back up to the bite, allowing her to very slowly creep up the incline at a speed that allowed her to determine whether or not it was clear - perfect. Some prat in a grey VW was getting stupidly close behind her, so she could not afford to roll back. But when she saw an approaching car she dipped the clutch slightly too much, felt the car beginning to roll back and, instead of braking and securing the car with the handbrake, she tried to find the bite too quickly and stalled. A common scenario. No panic, she just started the car and prepared to move off again. The prat behind then thought it would be helpful to toot his horn. What made him think this would help, I have no idea. Consequently, passers-by and people sat in the garden of a cafe turned to look at us, which did even less to help. Mairead managed the clutch perfectly to complete the emerge, but she was, understandably, a little flustered after that. For those of you who may be unsure, the red 'L'-plates on my car mean that it is being driven by a LEARNER driver. At the end of the day, my car and my actions promote my business, so the best thing was to calmly help Mairead move on from the situation..... despite the fact that the devil on my shoulder was urging me to put the car in reverse, just to see the look on his face.

Public image limited

I burnt my wrist whilst doing some experimental cookery the other day. I didn't think too much about it at the time but, this morning, as I was drawing a diagram for my pupil I noticed the unsightly burns and became quite self-conscious about it. Nothing I could do, as I was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, and it was ridiculous to consider that my pupil may have been bothered by it... she probably didn't even notice it.
Last Summer I was enjoying a day off when one of my pupils called and asked if she could try and fit in an extra lesson before her test. The only possible time was that afternoon and, having nothing special planned, I agreed to give up a couple of hours of my afternoon to try and boost her confidence. Being my day off, I was wearing knee-length shorts and a T-shirt, with flip-flop things on my feet. I usually don't give the slightest consideration to my appearance, as my wife will testify, except when I am working. As soon as I picked my pupil up I became quite embarrassed about the fact that I was not dressed for work.
Ever since I started as an instructor I have always worn a shirt and trousers (or smart jeans) and I usually wear a tie (unless it is too warm). I feel much more comfortable in old jeans and a T-shirt, but, when teaching, I am trying to portray a professional appearance. I am sure that many of my pupils probably don't even notice what I wear, but even if only one does, then it is worth the effort.
It is not just clothes. There are all sorts of factors which may change the perception a customer (or potential customer) may have of me as an instructor. 
Are my hands clean? It may sound silly, but they have to touch the same controls that I have been touching (and I keep anti-bacterial wipes in my car for when the odd pupil doesn't look to have the cleanest of hands).
Is my car clean inside and out? There have been some weeks when I have cleaned my car four times, but it doesn't look good if my car is dirty. And, with the exception of my diary, my laptop, an A4 notebook and some carefully chosen CDs , I try to keep the interior of my car as clear as possible.
Of course my driving has to be exemplary too. I have seen other instructors speeding, smoking in their car, parking in inappropriate places and even using their mobiles while driving. But, if I noticed it, then it is possible that a potential customer noticed it too. When I was with BSM there was a junction near to the Inverness office with a road sign indicating 'No right turn', but in small letters beneath it said 'For vehicles over 3 tonnes'. People used to call Eddie, the office manager at BSM, and complain that they had seen an instructor turning right into that road. And it wasn't the only time that someone would call and comment on something that they had seen a BSM car do. Of course, I'm sure their own driving was completely without fault.
Last Thursday afternoon, I was driving between lessons in Ullapool, listening to the women's semi-final at Wimbledon on radio 5live. Maria Sharapova was beating Sabine Lisicki and, being a pleasant warm day, I had the windows open. I was slowing down to approach a cross-roads when Sharapova gave her most enthusiastic grunt. Instantly, every pedestrian within earshot turned to look at my car. I was hoping that she would do another so that everyone would (hopefully) realise it was the tennis, but she had won the point with that shot, so I drove away from the area with all those people probably wondering what on earth was going on in my car. Orgasmic shrieks are not really what you want to hear from the windows of a driving instructors car.