If Carlsberg ran driving test centres.....

Picture the scene; four ageing driving instructors are sat in Inverness driving test centre. The year is 2041 and driving test centres have changed. The four instructors sit in plush, comfy chairs with their feet immersed in basins while Hepatitis-free fish give them pedicures. Waiting staff bring them a choice of drinks and a selection of tasty food on demand. The sweet vintage sounds of The Pixies, White Stripes, The Clash et al play on the MP7 player, while a 2 metre 3D television plays sport, comedy or films of their choice.


1st Instructor: "Ahh... Very passable this, very passable."
2nd Instructor: "Nothing like a good cup of cappuccino, eh?"
3rd Instructor: "You're right there."
4th Instructor: "Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking the finest Italian cappuccino?"
1st Instructor: "Aye. In them days we'd a' been glad to have instant coffee from a vending machine."
2nd Instructor: "A cup of cold  coffee."
3rd Instructor: "Without milk or sugar."
4th instructor: "Or coffee!"
1st Instructor: "In a filthy, plastic cup."
2nd Instructor: "We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up What Car magazine."
3rd Instructor: "The best WE could manage was to suck the coffee granules that were stuck to the spoon."
4th Instructor: "But you know, we were happy in those days, though the DSA were poor."
1st Instructor: "BECAUSE they were poor. Old David Cameron used to say to us, "Money doesn't buy you happiness. We need to make more cuts."
2nd Instructor: 'E was right. I was happier then and the DSA had NOTHIN'. This test centre used to be a dreary, overheated room with blue, metal chairs and a bathroom where the light only came on when you were leaving."
3rd Instructor: "Bathroom? You were lucky to have a BATHROOM! At Elgin test centre we used to have a tiny, dark room, with no vending machine, just a kettle. And you had to walk next door to the Community Centre if you needed the bathroom."
4th Instructor: You were LUCKY to have a Community Centre. At Grantown test centre there was no room, no bathroom and nowhere nearby if you needed the toilet; you would have to find a plastic bottle."
1st Instructor: "Ohh, we used to DREAM of finding a plastic bottle. At Gailoch test centre, if you needed the toilet, the only way you could get privacy was to wander into a field and squat down in the middle of a flock of sheep. Bathroom? Hhmmph!"
2nd Instructor: "Well, when I say a 'bathroom' it was only an adjoining wall of a building people referred to as the 'test centre', but it were a test centre to us."
3rd instructor: "We were evicted from our test centre. In Ullapool, we had to meet at the Pottery Centre car park, then stand around in the rain, snow and gales, peering through the window, pretending to be interested in pottery for 45 minutes."
4th Instructor: "You were lucky to have a car park! In Gairloch we had to park up on a narrow country lane, stand there in the howling Atlantic weather because the cafe was shut. Then, when you were just about to die from frostbite, you would have to wait even longer because your pupil's test had been held up by a farmer herding his sheep through the village."
1st Instructor: "Frostbite you say?"
4th Instructor: "Aye."
1st Instructor: "You were lucky. At Alness test centre we would have dreamed of dying from frostbite. The few magazines left scattered on the table were so old that you died of boredom before your pupil returned from their test."
2nd Instructor: "Well we had it tough. At Elgin test centre we had to arrive 4 hours early, carry the examiner on our shoulders to the car. Then, if the pupil failed their test, the examiner would leap out of the car and slice us in two with a bread knife."
3rd Instructor: "RIGHT. At Ullapool test centre, we had to arrive 2 days early, walk in front of the examiner, licking the ground clean for him as he walked towards the car. Stand in a blizzard for 3 weeks because our pupil had got buried in a snow drift Then, when the examiner failed the pupil, he would kill us both and dance around on our graves singing "Hallelujah!"
4th Instructor: "But you try and tell the young instructors today that and they won't believe ya."

Putting the theory into practice

When I was a teenager riots had proper soundtracks (Ghost Town by the Specials, as opposed to Nero, or whatever was No.1 at the time), the most sophisticated piece of mobile technology was the Sony Walkman and there was no theory test.
Instead, the examiner would, at the end of the driving test, ask a few questions about the Highway Code. I have no idea how this worked. If you had driven badly were you saved by knowing your road signs? And, if you had driven perfectly, could you still fail if you didn’t know what shape the sign for a roundabout was?
I can’t remember if I have written about this before but, at the end of my driving test I was so convinced I had failed (because I had stalled three times) that I didn’t see the point of the examiner asking me the Highway Code questions. Couldn’t he just get on with it and put me out of my misery? As he turned out, he must have been satisfied with my driving because I don’t think I convinced with my answers to the questions. I vividly remember the last question:
Examiner: “When should you check your mirrors?”
Me: “Um…..” (I had no idea) “Um…..” (I’ll take a guess) “…Every ten seconds.”
Examiner: (Sits there looking at his watch for ten seconds) “That’s quite a long time.”
Me: “Oh…..um…. Every five seconds?”
Examiner: (Looks at his watch for five seconds - it still seemed a long time)
Me: Um… quite often.
I didn’t know whether “quite often” was the precise answer he was looking for, but a few seconds later he was telling me I had passed.

So we had it easy compared to anyone who has had to go through the stress of sitting the Theory Test. These days they are expected to know how many centimetres to compress the chest when trying to resuscitate the victim of a traffic accident (4 -5 cm) and how many compressions per minute (100). They are expected to know where to send their appeal if they think their driving test was conducted unfairly. And they are expected to know exactly what to do if, while driving through a tunnel, they realised their vehicle was on fire. Admittedly, it is quite important that you do DO SOMETHING if your vehicle is a 60mph fireball underground and there are no Fire Stations handy, but I doubt that many people have their plan all worked out in advance.
Although it doesn’t cause as much nervousness as the driving part, I have had many pupils who have been very anxious about the theory test.  I guess this is mainly because tests/exams in general tend to make people nervous, but it could be partly because this is the hurdle they need to overcome before they can apply for their test. I have had quite a spate of pupils taking their theory recently. I saw one of my pupils, Seumas, on Facebook, saying that he was nervous about his theory test the next day. One of my former pupils, Andy, gave him some valuable advice about driving 'Make sure you always drive on the left'. (Although I may sometimes be a bit of a pedant, I did restrain myself from pointing out that this does not necessarily always apply). But maybe Andy's advice helped because Seumas passed the next day. Congratulations also to Emma, Jorine, Judith, Julie, Karen and Lawrence on passing within the last week.

The second part of the Theory Test is Hazard Perception. I have to confess, I thought this was a bit of a gimmick when they first introduced it, I don't anymore. To a brand new learner driver, the idea that cars could pull out in front of you, oncoming vehicles could stray onto your side of the road, pedestrians could walk out in front of you and cars could stop dead in front of you with no warning, it all seems a bit far-fetched and exaggerated. This week, in particular, we have seen pedestrians and drivers doing such STUPID things, that I am wondering whether they have been filming a whole new batch of hazard perception clips here.
This morning, Jorine, was driving along Shore St, by Ullapool harbour, and ahead of us, we could see five people having a nice chat IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROSSROADS. I asked her to check her mirror and gradually slow the car as we approached. That would give them time to realise that perhaps they should move. She brought her speed down nice and slow, 2nd gear.....1st gear.... clutch down..... holding the brakes..... still no recognition from the people in the road (it must have been a fascinating conversation they were having).
"Should I toot the horn?" She asked.
"Yes, possibly, but just give them a few seconds." I was sure they would finally realise that they should move.
After another five seconds, with a car approaching us from behind, my patience evaporated and I gave sharp toot on the horn, They just stood there looking at us before finally moving to the pavement.
And it has been like that all week! Twice I have cars approaching us on our side of the road. The first one was (almost) understandable - some Italian tourists turned right out of a petrol station towards us, but forgot that they should be driving on the left (they obviously hadn't see Andy's advice on Facebook). The second car, some Dutch tourists, were heading towards us on the wrong side of a long, straight road - with no junctions for some time previous, it is scary to wonder how long they had been driving like that.
On Wednesday, just as my pupil was about to turn in to Ullapool 'test centre' for her driving test, another Dutch car approached a 'Give way' on our left. The driver saw us (we were maybe three car lengths from the junction) and STILL pulled out in front of us! At least it gave my pupil a chance to practice her emergency stop before the test.
The worse one was on the same road as the chatting pedestrians. My pupil was approaching the Ullapool - Stornaway ferry terminal. Cars waiting to board/exit the ferry have to give way at a crossroads, but usually a policeman directs traffic. As we approached the policeman was giving us a hand signal to stop. We were still a short distance away, so my pupil was just slowing down to a comfortable slow jogging speed. The policeman then clearly gave a 'stop' signal to the cars waiting to board the ferry and waved us on. Just as my pupil went back on the accelerator a (British) car, waiting to board the ferry, ignored the policeman and the 'give way' line and tried to quickly pull out in front of us. Yet another impromptu emergency stop! The policeman yelled at the other car, complimented my pupil on her stop, then returned to the other driver to give him a bollocking. I like a bit of excitement every now and then, but, this week, I think I have had too much.

And all that was before the tests!
Wednesday saw the return of driving tests to Ullapool after, for some reason, having a break in July. It is disappointing that they had only scheduled six tests for the day. Government cut-backs are obviously now extending to DSA examiner overtime. Anyway, I had four pupils on test and, with an extra month to polish their driving to super-shiny perfection, I was very confident in them all passing.
Congratulations to Kyle Menzies on passing, first time, with four driving faults. He had the 8.40am test and asked if I could sit in 'just in case it goes wrong'. Being a slightly damp, very still morning, there were quite a few midges about and, as we all got in the car, about 28 midges joined us. When I accompany a pupil on test I have to sit quiet in the back and not do anything that could be construed as help. But when midges are buzzing around your face, it is very difficult to remain completely still.

13 of the midges remainined in the car by the time Eilidh's MacFarlane's began her test. But I had got used to their company by then, so I did not mind when she also asked me to sit in on her test. A wee bit wizzy round some of the twisting turns on the Ardmair road, but not wizzy enough to worry the examiner, who passed her with just three driving faults. Very well deserved Eilidh. I know how disappointed you were not to pass last time, but I hope you now think it has all been worth it.

Alas, my third pupil did not pass. She will not get another chance for a while as she is returning to university, but I hope she re-books for her next holidays. You were very close yesterday...... Next time.

I have been teaching two sisters from Achiltibuie for the last few months, one in Ullapool and the other in Inverness. There had been some friendly rivalry to see who would pass first. Yesterday it was Tricia MacLennan, who beat her sister to a full licence. Despite your apparent conviction that you wouldn't pass (you are just like your sister), you proved yourself wrong and passed first time. So very well-done Tricia.

To all of you who passed yesterday, don't forget, drive on the left.

Anarchy and alliteration

In the light of recent events, I am keeping a watchful eye for any signs of agitation and anarchy in Auldearn, disturbance and disorder in Dyke, or upheaval and unrest in Ullapool. In truth, it is hardly likely.... it just isn't the weather for riots and rampaging. All the Highland hoodies are sensibly at home, only causing chaos and carnage on their Playstations.
In fact, the only signs of anti-establishment behaviour are coming from parents of my pupils. I'm exaggerating of course - my pupils' parents are all wonderful people (who just so happen to pay me money) - but one or two of them have dared to question my methods...

Last week, at the end of a lesson, one of my pupil's mum arranged to pay for a block of lessons in the remaining weeks before his test. "And you're teaching him all the test routes, aren't you?" she asked.
Until last year, the DSA published the test routes for each driving test centre. Consequently, many instructors seemed to teach almost exclusively on these routes. You could almost guarantee that a particular road would have 2 or 3 learner drivers practicing their 3-point turns (alright, 'turn-in-the-roads'), and certain junctions would always have someone practicing their left-reverse (I don't think I have ever seen anyone practicing a right reverse). Then someone at the DSA said 'Hold on a minute. This isn't right. If someone is capable of passing their test they should be capable of driving anywhere.' Quite right, too. So, now, the DSA no longer publish their test routes. They still have them, and driving instructors still use them (they get to know them from sitting in on tests), but at least there has been a slight shift away from repetition of test routes.
So I politely replied "There are no set test routes anymore" and explained that I would make sure her son would be competent and confident wherever they took him on test. It simply wasn't worth getting on my soapbox about it.
Perhaps I should have told her the truth. The truth is I am not a nice person, at least not to my pupils. As they progress I will make things increasingly difficult for them. I will take them to the nastiest junctions, ask them to do a reversing manoeuvre in busy roads, and, in short, try to make their lessons as tough as I can. The idea being that, if they can cope with that, then the test should be comparatively easy. After all, once they have passed their test then they will often be on their own, so they need to be able to deal with the tough stuff.

A couple of days later, one of my pupils said that her dad would like to sit in on one of her lessons and would I mind? "Of course I don't mind.... as long as you don't." (it is her lesson, after all). I am always willing to have a pupil's parent/boyfriend/wife/whatever sit in on lessons if they want. But this was the first time in years it has happened. It was only an hour lesson, in Inverness, and I wanted to cover as much as possible to give her dad things to work on in their private practice. Her driving is coming along nicely, so I wanted to concentrate on her weaknesses and made sure that her dad could hear and see all my instruction. At the end of the lesson I turned to her dad to discuss the lesson and what they could work on when practicing.
"Can you tell me the test routes?" was his first question.

A matter of life or death

Some people think the driving test is a matter of life or death. Some of my pupils assure me it's much more important than that.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about one such pupil who was SO desperate to pass his test. He contacted me months before his 17th birthday to arrange an intensive course of lessons, practised regularly with his parents, passed his theory and had his driving test booked for only a couple of weeks after his 17th birthday. His lessons were going so well that, not only was I convinced he was going to pass, but it was hard to imagine he would even pick up a minor fault. As you may have previously read, his test went very well (I sat in the back) until, 20 seconds from the end of the test, he misjudged the intentions of an oncoming learner driver and crossed in front of him. Result - serious fault and a failed test. I have seen pupils upset after a test, but I don't think I have ever seen anyone as shocked by a fail. There is no explaining it; I can think of several pupils who, over the years, have been almost faultless in their lessons, but just do something inexplicable on the day of the test.
Anyway, Friday was his second attempt. In the lesson beforehand his driving was good, but not quite as good as it usually is. Difficult for me to put my finger on what it was, maybe just a fraction rushed. I was surprised when he asked if I would sit in the back of the test again, but I was happy to agree. Whereas, in his first test, I had been relatively relaxed (until the last 20 seconds), I wasn't so relaxed this time. Especially when it came to his reversing manoeuvre. The examiner asked him to do a parallel park - something he could do with ease. But, he just rushed it and I could see we had to gone too far round and was heading for the curb. No problem, just stop the car and pull forward to correct his position. He did not stop. He slowed right down, slow enough so that he didn't actually 'bump' the curb with any force, but I could see the shock on his face. The rest of the drive was 'ok' - a bit shabby by his usual standards, but nothing serious.
At the end of his test, the examiner totted up the faults (7) and my pupil hung his head. It was hard to say whether he was more shocked last time, learning that he had failed, or this time, hearing that he had passed. Afterward the examiner had left, he was still slightly phased and babbled about how he was sure he had failed after his parallel parking. I explained that the examiner had decided that the manoeuvre had been completed 'under control' (but I wasn't entirely convinced, and nor was Andrew).
So, well done Andrew. Your determination and eagerness paid off in the end.

Out with the old and in with the new, as my next lesson was with a brand new pupil. She has set me a bit of a challenge: She passed her theory test back in mid-May 2009, with the intention of taking lessons then. But moving house and getting married delayed that plan and she recently realised that, unless she passed her driving test within two years of passing the theory test, she would have to sit the test again. So she has set me a deadline of less than 7 weeks to get her through her test - from scratch. I like a challenge.

My final pupil of the day was one who, back in December, had begun to lose her interest in driving. She had had lessons with another instructor prior to me and she had got it in her head that it was too long since her very first driving lesson. Was it worth the effort? she wondered. At the time I had suggested booking her driving test for a few months time so that she had a goal to aim for. Unfortunately, her progress had not been as good as we would have hoped and, with her test scheduled for next week, I did not think she was quite ready. I had to break the news.
"But I really want to pass. It's been so long since I started driving." She said. (It hasn't really.... many people take much more than a year from their first lesson to passing.)
I had to persuade her that it was in her best interests and that, no matter how disappointed she may feel about my advice, she would be more disappointed at failing her test. The killer question was "Do you think you can drive around the town without ever needing my help?" "No." was her honest reply.
She agreed to postpone her test. Later that evening, however, I was concerned when she text me to say that she could not get another date until June. I was anxious that she wouldn't wait that long and decide not to change her test date, but, to her credit, she did postpone it and has arranged immediate lessons.

As much as I agree with the DSA's motto, Safe driving for life, it is very rare to have a pupil who's main aim is to learn to be a very good driver, however long it takes. The large majority just want to get their licence to drive as quickly and cheaply as possible. But rushing the process is likely to be a false economy as driving tests cost two-and-a-half to three times as much as driving lessons, so you don't really want to take too many, even if you 'just want to give it a go'.

My final pupil of the night was even more detemined to succeed. Jordan, my 10 year-old grandson was at our house and he enjoys his computer games. I only have a few Playstation 2 games and his favourite is Gran Turismo. He is so determined to beat me (I won't let him win - I'm a bad grandad) and, over the last year, he has reached the point where he is at least equal to me. Suspecting that, one day, he will trash me, I suggested playing Tekken 5 instead. Unfortunately, this was not the best idea as the previous night I had got careless slicing up some ginger for a stir-fry and had lost the tip of my thumb. Despite being bandaged, the rigours of defending my Tekken  credibility opened up the wound and I had to lose real blood in order to beat Jordan. You see, I can be just as determined as anyone else, even if it is only to beat up my grandson.

Room with a view

It feels quite a while. It’s only been two months, but it seems longer than that since we had any driving tests in Ullapool. Not sure why. December’s tests went ahead as scheduled, but, for some reason, there didn’t seem to be any tests at all in January. Maybe after last winter the DSA thought it best not to risk cancellations due to the weather but, as it turned out, mid-January was fine in Ullapool.

Anyway, I have four pupils taking their test today; two first-timers and two on their second attempt. First up, at 8.40am was Jason. Although he lives in Ullapool, he had his first attempt in Inverness last Summer. On that occasion he gave me the wrong test time and I actually had someone else out on test at a time that clashed with his. My daughter, Rachel, came to the rescue with her boyfriend’s souped-up turbo Astra, which made Jason’s eyes light up at the prospect of driving it, but, of all the things to fail on (considering the power he had beneath his right foot), he failed for hesitation at a roundabout. Since then, he has been working down in Perth and has waited before returning home to take his test. Yesterday he had a two-hour lesson and I made it as tough as possible for him - parallel parking in the busiest road, 3-point turns (sorry, ‘turn-in-the-road’) in a narrow street and every junction from every direction. Hopefully, his test could only be a piece of cake in comparison. It paid off and he has just passed with 3 minors. A very good result (but one minor fault more than he picked up in the whole of yesterday’s lesson).

The 9.37am test was not so successful. She stalled at a crossroads, something she NEVER usually does, and lost confidence after that. I didn’t sit in the back, so I can’t be sure, but sometimes, for some unknown reason, pupils drive differently in tests to how they do in lessons. Who knows. At the moment it’s not too bad, we only have to wait until April for another attempt.

No time to muck about because the next test was at 10.44am. This meant Seonag only had about five minutes to drive round a few junctions and do one parallel park before returning to the test centre. The relative rush didn’t seem to phase her though and she passed well; again with three minor faults.

My last test of the day was another first-timer. Lisa has been very conscientious and, rather than just trying to get through her test in Ullapool, has also taken lessons in (much busier) Inverness. My 2nd floor corner room at the Caledonian Hotel overlooked the village and gave me a great view of many junctions - I felt a bit like Ed Harris' character in The Truman Show. As she drove by I could see the examiner recording a fault, but could not make out whether it was a driver (minor) fault or a serious fault. It must have been one of her six driver faults because she had no serious faults and passed. A good thing too, as she had told everyone when her test was and now she could look forward to breaking the news at The Seaforth Inn.

That was only half the day done as I still had four more lessons in Ullapool. 3 passes out of 4 tests isn’t bad, but I’ll keep trying for that 100% test day. Next month I have potentially eight pupils taking their test on the same day, so 100% then would be fantastic.