Good golly Miss Molly!

I have to say, my pupils are very polite; I currently have three different pupils who call me 'Sir'(!). And they are all so restrained. I struggle to think of any pupil that swears. Actually, there is one. On the face of it, she is very polite and restrained but, if anyone steps out in front of her, or doesn't give way when they should, she lets fly with language which would make Chubby Brown blush. But she is very much the exception.
Funnily enough, the boys don't swear at all. If they do something wrong (or if another road user does something wrong), they tend to quietly grumble, at worst. Mostly they just don't react, emotionally.
The girls do tend to be more vocal with their thoughts about other drivers/cyclists/pedestrians, or their own mistakes. But very rarely is it anything stronger than 'Crap!' or 'Bugger!'
I have one pupil whose language really tickles me. She is only 17 but she uses such old-fashioned language. She will say 'Crikey!', 'Blimey!' 'Gosh!' and, best of all, 'Oh my giddy aunt!'; language that even my grandparents would have found old-fashioned. But, strangely, it sounds very natural when she says these things, it doesn't sound even slightly false. Sadly (from a very selfish point of view), she passed her test last week, so I am now denied the pleasure of her language. But, very well done Jodie. I have rarely seen anyone as shocked at passing their test (and at the first attempt) as you, but I will miss your exclamations. Congratulations also, to Conner and Robbie, who passed their tests on the same day. It was an almost identical day to the previous day: 5 tests, 3 passes and 8 driver errors between them.

When thing go wrong, either a mistake my pupil has made, or another road user has made, we talk about the consequences of such an error and, if it is our fault, we discuss how to remedy it so that it doesn't happen again. I like other drivers doing stupid things because it gives us a chance to analyse these real situations, rather than just in theory. But, after 7 years of instructing, I finally lost my temper the other day...

Take a close look at the road in this photo. It is Castle Terrace in Ullapool. If you look carefully you will see that is only wide enough for one car - the parked cars are actually parked on the pavement. I was with a relatively new pupil, doing some basic junction work. Castle Terrace is only 200 -250m long and has a bend in it that, because of the  narrow width of the road, should be approached at no more than jogging speed. She negotiated the bend nicely then a black Ford Focus, with German plates, appeared close behind us. She started bring her speed up, but no point in accelerating too much with the end of the road only 100m away. The German tourist behind us couldn't wait a matter of 15 - 20 seconds and, to my horror and incredulity, I saw that he was trying to overtake us by going on to the pavement. Ok, it is a dipped curb, and there were no pedestrians, but it is probably the most utterly stupid piece of driving I have ever seen (and that is saying something!). I immediately took the wheel, because there must have been mere centimetres between us, and braked to a stop - I didn't want him cutting too sharply back in front of us. My temper finally snapped and I gave a long, long blast on the horn.
I apologised to my pupil. I explained that I should not have used the horn like that but I just wanted the other driver to know that he was a complete...... That he was in the wrong. My knowledge of German is rubbish. I can say "That is my stick of chalk", or "That is an umbrella" in German, but I don't know how to say "Excuse me, my good man, do you know what 'adequate clearance' means?"
I wonder what Jodie would have said? I don't think "Crikey!" would have sufficed.

Silly season

I know. I'm sorry. I've been busy. What can I say?
Almost a month since my last post. Must try harder.
Often, I'll be driving along, and I'll think of something that I want to write about. Then I'll get busy with lessons or something and I'll forget what it was that was. Other times, I will start typing, save it, then, when I return to finish the post, I'll think 'No, I don't think I'll bother with that.'
So, my May resolution is to get here a bit more regularly. "Little and often" as one of my (pub) customers used to be fond of saying.

As we approach the end of April, I hope I am safe in saying that we were lucky with the weather this winter. We had some snow, but nothing like the previous two years. In fact, there has been fresh snow this week, but, a month ago, we had temperatures up to 23 - 24C. There has been many a day when, in one lesson, we'll have the car windows down and shades on, but in the next, the heater will be on with the windscreen wipers pinging backwards and forwards.
But, whatever the weather, silly season is approaching... sorry, I meant 'tourist season'.

We have these things by the side of the road called 'pavements' (or 'sidewalks' if you prefer). They are usually quite flat and ideal for walking on (unless you live in Xi'an in Northern China  - see video). Then we have these other things, called 'roads', which lie inbetween the pavements, and are useful for driving or cycling on. Sometimes people get confused. Sometimes people cycle on the pavements, sometimes I have the occasional pupil who seems to want to drive on the pavement, and often, pedestrians walk on the roads.

The 2012 tourist season has only just started, but I have already lost count of the number of times we have had to slow down, or stop, because pedestrians are walking in the road (despite there being a perfectly good pavement just a few inches away). Not only that, but it seems that many people are now using cameras without a zoom. Let's take the Fowler Memorial Clock in Ullapool as an example. It is situated on the (nice, safe) pavement, at the Argyle Street/Quay Street crossroads. It is a very nice clock. So nice, that people like take photographs of it. But rather than stand anywhere on the pavement (or even on the other side of the road and use the zoom on their camera), people do seem to like standing in THE MIDDLE OF THE CROSSROADS to take the picture.
Last summer, during a lesson, my pupil was driving along Shore Street, towards the ferry. Ahead, we could see a group of 5-6 people, standing in the middle of a crossroads having a chat. We checked our rear mirror and gradually slowed, waiting for them to step a couple of metres to the side. Nothing. We had now slowed to 2 or 3mph, but trying to keep moving to make our intentions clear. Eventually we had to stop. They had looked at us and resumed their conversation. "What planet are you from?!"  I wanted to yell at them. But we politely smiled and waved as we slowly passed them, once they had finally stepped aside. Ok, Ullapool does not have the same traffic density as say London, Bangkok or even Little Piddleton-in-the-sticks, but motorists (and cyclists) do like to use the roads to get from A to B, and they prefer not to be delayed by photographers or chinwaggers.
Last week, one of my pupils (who hasn't got the best grasp of the English language) was having a lesson. We were approaching a group of three men who, for some reason know only to them, were walking in the middle of the road, when there was an empty pavement next to them. Again, I instructed my pupil to slow down, hold back, and give them time to realise that we were there and step out of the road. They didn't seem to be in any rush to move, so I was just about to suggest that he looked for a safe opportunity to drive around them when BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!! He had given them a long blast on the horn before I could stop him! I have just had my logo put on my car (see photos), so there was absolutely no mistaking who we were. The three men gave us very dirty looks as we drove past and I gave them a very embarrassed wave of apology. I asked my pupil to pull over and tried to explain that, yes, the horn can be used to warn others of our presence, but sometimes we just need to be a little more patient.

It never rains......

Loopallu has been and gone, more of my lessons include the use of headlights and X Factor and  Strictly... are beginning to dominate the television schedules. These are the modern indicators of Autumn; it would be impossible to tell from the weather because it is just as wet and windy as the Summer.
I feel sorry for the tourists this year - they have not seen the Highlands at its finest. In Ullapool this morning the weather was atrocious and tourists sat huddled in hotels and cafes wondering why they decided to come here in the first place. It is bin day in Ullapool and the empty wheelie-bins being blown over only added to the miserable scene. But never mind the tourists, I have my pupils to think about.
Unusually, I only have one pupil on test today (lots of pupils waiting for tests though). If you read my previous post, you may remember that I tempted fate by saying I was 99.9999% sure he would pass. As his test began the weather was worsening. It was bad enough in the relative shelter of Ullapool, but, as they drove out to Ardmair bay, the mass of rain in the wind made for awful driving conditions. So, extra credit to Alexander O'Neil (no, not that one - much to my wife's disappointment) for passing with 3 driving faults. And extra relief for me because I was beginning to regret my last post.
Not much else to report at the moment. I had a quick check on my stats for this blog and for my 'professional' website. I have bored you with this before, but it is sometimes puzzling what search terms people use to find my sites. After mentioning Jedward in a previous post I received dozens of hits from people searching for talentless twosome. Inshes roundabout always generates lots of views, it is obviously of concern to Inverness drivers (and not just learners). Someone had come to my blog after searching for 'L1pps on plenty of fish' ????? No, I have no idea what they were really after. Someone from Russia decided my blog was THE place to read about 'розовая машина' (I wish I knew). And, most bizarrely, yesterday someone clicked on this blog after Googling 'dogging grantown tonight'. I'm not sure whether I am relieved or disappointed that I was 29th in the list of results. But dogging in Grantown? Haven't they seen the weather out there?!

Putting the theory into practice

When I was a teenager riots had proper soundtracks (Ghost Town by the Specials, as opposed to Nero, or whatever was No.1 at the time), the most sophisticated piece of mobile technology was the Sony Walkman and there was no theory test.
Instead, the examiner would, at the end of the driving test, ask a few questions about the Highway Code. I have no idea how this worked. If you had driven badly were you saved by knowing your road signs? And, if you had driven perfectly, could you still fail if you didn’t know what shape the sign for a roundabout was?
I can’t remember if I have written about this before but, at the end of my driving test I was so convinced I had failed (because I had stalled three times) that I didn’t see the point of the examiner asking me the Highway Code questions. Couldn’t he just get on with it and put me out of my misery? As he turned out, he must have been satisfied with my driving because I don’t think I convinced with my answers to the questions. I vividly remember the last question:
Examiner: “When should you check your mirrors?”
Me: “Um…..” (I had no idea) “Um…..” (I’ll take a guess) “…Every ten seconds.”
Examiner: (Sits there looking at his watch for ten seconds) “That’s quite a long time.”
Me: “Oh…..um…. Every five seconds?”
Examiner: (Looks at his watch for five seconds - it still seemed a long time)
Me: Um… quite often.
I didn’t know whether “quite often” was the precise answer he was looking for, but a few seconds later he was telling me I had passed.

So we had it easy compared to anyone who has had to go through the stress of sitting the Theory Test. These days they are expected to know how many centimetres to compress the chest when trying to resuscitate the victim of a traffic accident (4 -5 cm) and how many compressions per minute (100). They are expected to know where to send their appeal if they think their driving test was conducted unfairly. And they are expected to know exactly what to do if, while driving through a tunnel, they realised their vehicle was on fire. Admittedly, it is quite important that you do DO SOMETHING if your vehicle is a 60mph fireball underground and there are no Fire Stations handy, but I doubt that many people have their plan all worked out in advance.
Although it doesn’t cause as much nervousness as the driving part, I have had many pupils who have been very anxious about the theory test.  I guess this is mainly because tests/exams in general tend to make people nervous, but it could be partly because this is the hurdle they need to overcome before they can apply for their test. I have had quite a spate of pupils taking their theory recently. I saw one of my pupils, Seumas, on Facebook, saying that he was nervous about his theory test the next day. One of my former pupils, Andy, gave him some valuable advice about driving 'Make sure you always drive on the left'. (Although I may sometimes be a bit of a pedant, I did restrain myself from pointing out that this does not necessarily always apply). But maybe Andy's advice helped because Seumas passed the next day. Congratulations also to Emma, Jorine, Judith, Julie, Karen and Lawrence on passing within the last week.

The second part of the Theory Test is Hazard Perception. I have to confess, I thought this was a bit of a gimmick when they first introduced it, I don't anymore. To a brand new learner driver, the idea that cars could pull out in front of you, oncoming vehicles could stray onto your side of the road, pedestrians could walk out in front of you and cars could stop dead in front of you with no warning, it all seems a bit far-fetched and exaggerated. This week, in particular, we have seen pedestrians and drivers doing such STUPID things, that I am wondering whether they have been filming a whole new batch of hazard perception clips here.
This morning, Jorine, was driving along Shore St, by Ullapool harbour, and ahead of us, we could see five people having a nice chat IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROSSROADS. I asked her to check her mirror and gradually slow the car as we approached. That would give them time to realise that perhaps they should move. She brought her speed down nice and slow, 2nd gear.....1st gear.... clutch down..... holding the brakes..... still no recognition from the people in the road (it must have been a fascinating conversation they were having).
"Should I toot the horn?" She asked.
"Yes, possibly, but just give them a few seconds." I was sure they would finally realise that they should move.
After another five seconds, with a car approaching us from behind, my patience evaporated and I gave sharp toot on the horn, They just stood there looking at us before finally moving to the pavement.
And it has been like that all week! Twice I have cars approaching us on our side of the road. The first one was (almost) understandable - some Italian tourists turned right out of a petrol station towards us, but forgot that they should be driving on the left (they obviously hadn't see Andy's advice on Facebook). The second car, some Dutch tourists, were heading towards us on the wrong side of a long, straight road - with no junctions for some time previous, it is scary to wonder how long they had been driving like that.
On Wednesday, just as my pupil was about to turn in to Ullapool 'test centre' for her driving test, another Dutch car approached a 'Give way' on our left. The driver saw us (we were maybe three car lengths from the junction) and STILL pulled out in front of us! At least it gave my pupil a chance to practice her emergency stop before the test.
The worse one was on the same road as the chatting pedestrians. My pupil was approaching the Ullapool - Stornaway ferry terminal. Cars waiting to board/exit the ferry have to give way at a crossroads, but usually a policeman directs traffic. As we approached the policeman was giving us a hand signal to stop. We were still a short distance away, so my pupil was just slowing down to a comfortable slow jogging speed. The policeman then clearly gave a 'stop' signal to the cars waiting to board the ferry and waved us on. Just as my pupil went back on the accelerator a (British) car, waiting to board the ferry, ignored the policeman and the 'give way' line and tried to quickly pull out in front of us. Yet another impromptu emergency stop! The policeman yelled at the other car, complimented my pupil on her stop, then returned to the other driver to give him a bollocking. I like a bit of excitement every now and then, but, this week, I think I have had too much.

And all that was before the tests!
Wednesday saw the return of driving tests to Ullapool after, for some reason, having a break in July. It is disappointing that they had only scheduled six tests for the day. Government cut-backs are obviously now extending to DSA examiner overtime. Anyway, I had four pupils on test and, with an extra month to polish their driving to super-shiny perfection, I was very confident in them all passing.
Congratulations to Kyle Menzies on passing, first time, with four driving faults. He had the 8.40am test and asked if I could sit in 'just in case it goes wrong'. Being a slightly damp, very still morning, there were quite a few midges about and, as we all got in the car, about 28 midges joined us. When I accompany a pupil on test I have to sit quiet in the back and not do anything that could be construed as help. But when midges are buzzing around your face, it is very difficult to remain completely still.

13 of the midges remainined in the car by the time Eilidh's MacFarlane's began her test. But I had got used to their company by then, so I did not mind when she also asked me to sit in on her test. A wee bit wizzy round some of the twisting turns on the Ardmair road, but not wizzy enough to worry the examiner, who passed her with just three driving faults. Very well deserved Eilidh. I know how disappointed you were not to pass last time, but I hope you now think it has all been worth it.

Alas, my third pupil did not pass. She will not get another chance for a while as she is returning to university, but I hope she re-books for her next holidays. You were very close yesterday...... Next time.

I have been teaching two sisters from Achiltibuie for the last few months, one in Ullapool and the other in Inverness. There had been some friendly rivalry to see who would pass first. Yesterday it was Tricia MacLennan, who beat her sister to a full licence. Despite your apparent conviction that you wouldn't pass (you are just like your sister), you proved yourself wrong and passed first time. So very well-done Tricia.

To all of you who passed yesterday, don't forget, drive on the left.