Ray and Frank

When I had the Cross Keys pub in Totternhoe, there was one couple I looked forward to seeing probably more than any other. Ray & Carol were just the most perfect customers any publican could wish for. They were polite, friendly, interesting and funny. Often, when they came for a meal I would go to take their order and they would simply say "We'll let you choose for us". Then they would let me choose the wine for them. Then, at the end of the night, Ray never asked for the bill, he would just give me a blank cheque and let me fill it in. Not that they were rich or showing off, they just trusted me to look after them.
Many people assumed they were married, but they didn't actually get married until Ray was in his late 70s. Everyone knew they were going on holiday to the U S A. When they came back from their holiday Carol came in the pub. "Hello Carol...." I began, but before I could continue, she (jokingly) said "It's 'Mrs Foster' to you." Possibly the most original way of announcing that they had got married.
They has got married in a registry office in Las Vegas and spoke so highly of the way they were treated that Jane & I decided to get married there ourselves - if it was good enough for Ray and Carol, it was good enough for anyone.
Everyone always wanted Ray to join their quiz team and I always thought that, if I ever went on 'Who wants to be a millionaire' Ray would definitely be my 'phone a friend'.
So I was very saddened to learn that Ray had passed away over Christmas. I guess he must have been in his late 80s, but I never thought of him as being anywhere near that age.
Heartfelt sympathies to Carol.
It was only a few weeks before that I had learned of the death of another friend from The Cross Keys, Frank Pulay. He had come to Britain from Hungary after the revolution and, perhaps because of his accent, was the only person who could get away with swearing in my pub. He used to say it was 'Shakespeare English' whenever I pulled him up on it, but I'm sure such words didn't crop up in any Shakespeare I read.
His gift to me was that I now know how to call people some quite obscene things in Hungarian. Useful.
Frank and Ray were both tremendous characters and I will always have many treasured memories of them both. R.I.P.

Bugger Bodmas

Well I enjoyed that. Possibly the most relaxing Christmas & New Year break I can remember. Jane & I had already done lots of prep, so Christmas dinner was a doddle, and after that it was lots of fun and games.... A far remove from our times in the hotel and pub industry, when we would work ourselves into the ground by January 1st.
Apart from one or two lessons sprinkled around New Year, I didn't really start back to work until last week, when I kicked off with Kim's Pass Plus. She passed her test with me last summer and had talked about doing the Pass Plus course, but it was only when a friend was in an accident after losing control in the snow that she decided learning how to properly control the car in such conditions would be a good idea. So it was bad luck then that the two days over which she had booked her course were so mild that almost all the snow had gone. I thought our best bet would be to drive to the ski resort on the Lecht, in the north Cairngorms. But even at that altitude the snow had almost gone. Never mind, I did what I could to make the course as challenging as possible and she made me very proud with her driving (apart from some 'unusual' steering techniques she seems to have picked up).
The trouble with taking time off, is that it is not always easy to spring back into the routine. I always used to be much more of a night owl than an early bird. From the age of about 12 I used to stay up late, listening to John Peel on my headphones. Then I stupidly went and got a part-time job delivering newspapers. I found it such a struggle getting up in time.i  had a really vicious Binatone radio/ alarm clock that would easily wake me, but I would just switch it off and fall back to sleep. I ended up going to the rather alarming extremes of putting the alarm on the far side of the room, then tying my ankle to the bed with some string. The theory was that, by the time I had undone the knot and had switched off the alarm, I would be fully awake.
Since becoming a driving instructor, my internal clock had shifted a few hours earlier and I have no problem getting up early these days, I even enjoy it. But I was reminded of my morning struggles yesterday morning:
Sometime, soon after getting this phone, I must have had too much time on my hands, because I tailored the alarm clock on it to a ridiculous extreme - I set a different mp3 as the alarm each day. So Sundays I am woken nice and gently by The Velvet Underground's 'Sunday morning'. Mondays are almost as gentle with The Mamas & The Papas 'Monday Monday'. Tuesday it's 'Ruby Tuesday' by The Rolling Stones. Wednesday it's The Undertones and 'Wednesday week'. Then David Bowie wakes me with 'Thursdays child' and, on Friday, I get 'Friday I'm in love' by The Cure. Finally, Saturday is a bit of a raucous awakening with Elton John's 'Saturday night's alright for fighting'. Now I instantly know what day it is when I wake up - genius!
But, typical of me, I couldn't simply leave it like that. Over Christmas, on a few days, I had regressed to my old habit of turning the alarm off and going back to sleep. So the other day I discovered another option on the phone's alarm where the alarm could not be switched off until I had solved a mathematical puzzle... A slightly more sensible challenge than trying to untie myself from the bed. At least, I thought it would be...
Do you know B O D M A S? This is an acronym to tell you in which order the different functions of an equation should be completed: Brackets, Of, Division, Multiplication, Addition, Subtraction. So yesterday's puzzle to switch off the alarm was '7 + 5 x 6 = ?'. Easy. Using Bodmas, I should do the multiplication before the addition. So, 7 + 30 = 37. Nothing. Mick Jagger kept singing (Ruby Tuesday). I entered my answer, '37', again but the alarm kept going. The Stones were well into the chorus by now and I still couldn't turn the thing off. I even tried 12 x 6 = 72, but it didn't like that answer either. Jane seemed to find it very funny that I couldn't switch my #*@&ing alarm off and I had to resort to switching the phone off completely before I could get silence.
I didn't think Jane would continue to find it amusing if it happened every morning, so I switched the option off last night.
Tomorrow morning I will give it another try, but if David Bowie manages to get to the chorus before I solve the puzzle, I will not be held responsible for my actions.

Christmas rapping

You lot are rubbish. I give you something nice and simple to do; just find me some interesting and invigorating new music and the few recommendations I did get were just….. not very good. In fact - and I can't believe that I'm saying this - possibly the freshest thing I've heard for a while is Getting ready for Christmas by Paul Simon (and I'm not a massive fan of Paul Simon or Christmas songs) Probably a good thing that I have struggled to find decent new music, it’s all too easy to load up my Amazon basket and then wonder where the money has gone.
I’ve just finished my last lesson before taking a few days off to eat, drink and be merry. I’ve got to pick up the rib of beef from the butcher then I’m just about there. We tried the potted duck the other day and that proved to be a success, so Sunday I’m subjecting my unfortunate relatives to the following experimental Christmas menu:

Potted confit of duck with Earl Grey-soaked prunes
**********************
Prime rib of beef with celeriac and horseradish puree
Parsnip gratin
Brussels sprouts with shallots and caraway seeds
Roast beetroot and carrots
Yorkshire pudding
Roast tatties
**********************
Christmas Pudding
Jane’s Lemon meringue ice-cream
Martin’s boozy Tiramisu

I don’t suspect for one moment that you are interested in this, but I thought that if I put it in this blog then I would know what to avoid next year (apart from Jane’s ice-cream, of course).

Mysterious goings on at The Argyll quiz on Thursday nights: As I had previously noted, the passing of the quizmaster baton from Bob to Noel had been seamless (apart from the lack of success for our team). A couple of weeks ago Noel had been stuck up in Scrabster, so had asked me if I could take his place for the evening. No problem, in fact, I secretly enjoyed it. Then yesterday, Franner, the landlady, asked me if I could run the quiz for the next couple of months because Noel wouldn’t be available. Who knows why? Perhaps he has incurred an 8 week suspension for saying something to a Man Utd player. I shouldn’t joke; obviously I’m disappointed that Suarez (such a vital player this season) has received an 8 match ban, but I would be even more disappointed if what he said to Patrice Evra really was intended as a racial slur. Anyway, Franna obviously didn’t know (or had forgotten) about my roundabout sign question shame (I’m too embarrassed to repeat it), or else she is just scraping the barrel when it comes to finding a quizmaster.. So I’m just letting you know, if you are looking for a fun night out in Ullapool on a Thursday night, but you can’t find one, come to my quiz at The Argyll. I say ‘my quiz’, but it’s not. When I had my own pubs I used to spend ages devising increasingly devious weekly quizzes. At The Argyll they buy the quizzes in from a company called Black Tooth, or something. Actually I don’t think it’s Black tooth, that doesn’t sound very enticing. Maybe it’s Red Tooth - but that doesn’t sound particularly attractive either. Whatever colour tooth it is that supplies the quizzes, they are quite entertaining; quite a good variety of questions for all ages and knowledge levels. I particularly like the 'wipeout' round at the end - Ten questions; A point for every correct answer, with 5 bonus points if you get all ten correct. But.... get one wrong and you score zilch for the round. So, if you aren't sure you leave it blank and play safe, but, especially if you are a few points behind, it is sometimes worth a gamble and going for the bonus points. I'll have to have a rummage through various boxes to see if I can find any of my old quizzes to slip into the quiz here and there. Perhaps I'll try some of them out on here...... you lucky people.

Pleased to report that temperatures have risen from -8C last Sunday to +14C yesterday. Not only that, but, as of yesterday, the nights are now getting shorter. This far north, we enjoy very long days during the Summer, but the downside is that, at the moment, sunrise is at 8.43am and sunset is at 3.12pm; just over 6 hours of daylight.

Right, no more procrastination, I've got to get to the butchers. Very best wishes for the festive season, hope it's a good one.

Never mind the ballads

Slowly, but surely, everything is getting more bland and sugary. It seems that almost every other song on telly or the radio is a boring ballad. Or else they take a once great song (by The Smiths or Blondie, for example) and water it down to make a 'pleasant' soundtrack to some tv ad. And don't even get me started on The X Factor.... To describe it as 'bland, boring, overblown, commercial crap' would be harsh on all other bland, boring, overblown, commercial crap.
I've written similar stuff before, but finding some old home-compilation cds in a box in the loft the other day, I came across such gems as Magazine's Shot by both sides, and The Slits Typical Girls, amongst others, and it really emphasised how much we need a similar injection of energy into music again. I will be eternally grateful if anyone can point me in the direction of any new music that is at least half as exciting.
Mini-rant over.
Last Thursday brought an end to a good run of driving test passes. I was as confident as it was possible to be that my pupil would pass. Recent lessons have been trying to take his driving to an advanced standard. So I was very surprised when he didn't pass. Whilst driving at 60mph towards Lossiemouth, he was asked to take the next left, but left his signal too late. He was possibly distracted by the car behind, which was too close, but this should have meant all the more reason for signalling early.
Previously, I had had 8 consecutive pupils passing. Last week Jonathan passed in Inverness. Jonathan is a music teacher at Gordonstoun school, but has recently accepted a position on the island of Montserrat, in the West Indies. He had already passed his driving test in an automatic, but the company car he is being offered in his new job is a manual. He had some lessons with J-Drive in Elgin, but, being unable to get a test before his flight, had no choice but to take his test in Inverness. Many thanks to Jason, from J-Drive, for recommending me to Jonathan (as Jason doesn't cover Inverness). So, a little bit of pressure because he wouldn't have had time for a second attempt before his flight, but he passed well with just three driver faults.
A few days earlier Liam became one of my youngest pupils to pass (also with 3 driver faults), just a few weeks after his 17th birthday. In May this year he had already become the youngest player to make his debut for Inverness Caledonian Thistle, so this capped a very good year for him.
 Saturday I took a whole day off and spent most of it experimenting in the kitchen, trying out different ideas for Christmas dinner. The peanut butter and cherry parfait wasn't too bad, but I have yet to try the potted confit duck and Earl Grey-soaked prunes. If they don't work out we may have to resort to Anna's choice - prawn cocktail.
A bit of a thaw is forecast, which is welcome. Yesterday, snow, ice and temperatures dropping to -8C did nothing to enhance my driving pleasure (although an Iggy Pop cd did). While I'm on the subject of weather, I would like to praise and thank my pupils for their attitude towards their lessons. I have had more test cancellations than lesson cancellations due to the weather. This attitude was typified by Sophie yesterday morning, who made a 3 hour round trip in the snow, from Kinlochbervie, for a one hour lesson.

Finally, I am beginning to wonder if I really exist. I have just spent an hour trying to arrange insurance renewal for Jane's Nissan Navara. Sorting out insurance is not the most exciting pastime - even less so when it is classed as a commercial vehicle. On Direct Line's website it asked for my occupation, then gave me a massive list to choose from (it wouldn't let me type in 'Driving Instructor'). Occupations on this list include Archpriest, Axeman, Bacon Curer, Busker, Embalmer, Foam converter, Lampshade maker, Pearl stringer, Whaler and (honestly) Spiderman! But NO DRIVING INSTRUCTOR!?!? I have seen the damage done to a bus when the bus driver drove into the back of me, so I know I exist, but apparently not where insurance companies are concerned.

I wonder where I apply for the job of Spiderman?

Frozen planet

December in the North-West Highlands and the weak winter sun remains low above the mountains surrounding  Ullapool, even at midday.
The herds of tourists that populate the village during the summer months have long since made the journey back South, in search of central heating, traffic and shopping centres. Small flocks of hillwalkers and climbers can still sometimes be seen but, in general, the colder weather keeps people away.
Today though, there is a nervousness amongst some of the population. Today is the day when a lone Lesser-spotted Examiner is expected to make an appearance.
This is a mixed blessing for some of the population. For many weeks the local Pale Learners have been seen, moving around the area. During these formative weeks the Pale Learners have progressed from stumbling jerkily around car parks and quieter roads to galloping around the wider area. It is during these crucial formative times that they are constantly accompanied by various species of Instructor. The Instructor doesn't let them out of sight. Initially the Pale Learners are happy with this symbiotic arrangement; the Instructor helps build their confidence and the Pale Learner helps keep the Instructor fed. But this situation cannot last; there will be a new Pale Learners coming soon, vying for the Instructor's attention, and, besides, the Pale Learners want to shed their red markings and begin the transformation into fully-fledged Drivers.
Before they can do this, they have to undertake a ritual known as the 'driving test'. By the time their turn arrives they should be competent enough to complete this with ease. They feel confident that they can do this, and so should their Instructor, but it is only under the watchful eye of the Lesser-spotted Examiners that they can demonstrate their skills. Consequently, the thought of an Examiner approaching usually causes quite a stir.
One of the Instructors seems anxious. He has been watching the skies. The weather is deteriorating and, if the conditions are not good enough then it is possible that the Examiner will not show.
Disaster strikes. Sunday morning brings the first significant snow of the Winter. This is too much for even some of the more experienced 'Drivers', whose small brains cannot cope with the change in conditions. This time they are lucky. They may be injured and their pride damaged, but, this time at least, they live to drive another day.
The Instructor paces fretfully. He has to hope that the temperature will increase and bring a thaw, or else his Pale Learners will have to wait for another opportunity to take their driving test. But the signs are not good. Monday morning he awakes to find 4 - 5 inches of snow. With only 24 hours to go it seems the fate of the Learners is out of his hands. The Pale Learners show their displeasure. Some of them venture out into the snow - it is experience that will stand them in good stead over the next few months - but many of them prefer to hide inside in the warmth, hoping that the snow will not last long.

The next day brings a thaw. The snow is melting and the Instructor peers curiously from his lair. Three of his Pale Learners are expecting to take their test today. There is nothing at the moment to suggest that the Examiner will not appear. The Instructor and the Learner move around the village, galloping, trotting and crawling, sometimes even demonstrating bizarre backwards movements. They have done all they can now. They just have to wait.
The Instructor scans the horizon, looking for any sign of a prowling Examiner.

Finally, they accept defeat. It seems as though the conditions are too much for the Examiner. Although most of the snow has gone, and although the conditions are far from harsh, it appears that the Pale Learner will have to wait another month, maybe two, before they can free themselves from the watchful eye of the Instructor and venture out alone into the wild.

More tests, Morris Dancing, mad weather and a little bit of luck

After my less than comfortable excursion to Gairloch, it was a welcome relief to get back to my own pupils in Ullapool. It was like putting an Aretha Frankin CD on after spending the morning listening to X Factor auditions.
The next day I had four pupils taking their test:
We started at 7.30am. My first pupil first had driving lessons twenty odd years ago, but had been put off driving until one of her colleagues recommended me to her. I think she had reached the stage where she assumed she would never drive. As a result, she seemed in deep shock when she passed, first time, with just four driver faults. Very well-done Karen. Have fun with your new Suzuki and thank you very much for the bottle of Laphroaig.
Lawrence had the 9.37am test and also passed at his first attempt. Surprising how easy driving is when you give yourself time.
A wee bit of pressure on me for the 10.44am test. A few months ago Effie, one of our crack quiz team, said that her son's girlfriend had booked her test and could I help her out? Well I would be delighted to help, but would it affect our quiz team dynamic if we weren't successful?
I eased the pressure by going to The Tea Store for a Big Hot Roll and a pot of tea. The manageress and I chatted about learning to drive and it transpired that she had learned to drive near where I grew up. When the conversation came around to my pub, The Cross Keys in Totternhoe, she said "I used to dance there!" She then went on to explain that she was one of the founder members of Caddington Blues, a Morris Dancing troupe.
"You should found a Morris Dancing troupe here." I suggested.
"Hmmm. Maybe we could do something for the Ullapool dance festival next year? So I can count on your participation?"
I hadn't expected that, "Er..... er....... Sure. Yes. Count me in."
We shall see. Meanwhile, if anyone else fancies jigging about with sticks, bells, funny hats and hankies, then make yourself known at The Tea Store.
Tea and Big Hot Roll polished off, I walked back to find that Julia had also passed with just four driver faults. Very well done Julia, good luck with your interview (which you can now drive to.
At the start of October I got an email from someone asking if they could have a semi-intensive course with me in Ullapool. She would be moving back to Glasgow in January and hoped to pass her test before then. She confessed that she had initially approached another instructor in Ullapool but he only offered her lessons on the very days she said she couldn't do. Good for me though. She put the time and effort in but, unfortunately, she couldn't get a test in Ullapool, so she booked her test in Inverness. We drove to Inverness (only her third lesson there) and, despite going a different direction to that which the examiner asked, passed well with 5 driver faults. Very well deserved Zoe. See you in two weeks for your Pass Plus.
A very successful day then; four tests and four passes AND an invitation to become a Morris Dancer!

The transition from Bob to Noel at the Argyll quiz was seamless. It was as though Noel had been doing it for years. However, we have been on a bit of a winning run recently and, with one round to go, we were half a point behind. The last round is the Wipeout round. You get points for every correct answer, but if you don't know an answer you should leave it blank because one wrong answer wipes out your score for that round. The temptation though is that, if you answer all ten correctly, you get five bonus points. We were pretty confident about 8 of the 10, but we decided to gamble on going for the whole lot. Which company has a black 'M' in a white circle as their logo? We put Morrisons, but it turned out to be Motorola. We therefore wiped out and finished fourth. FOURTH?!?!? 'Bring back Bob' I say!

Now I can normally sleep through anything. Many years ago, when I was running a pub, I had such a bad hangover one day that I  was convinced I was going to die. Unfortunately, the door to my flat was blocked by a table of people in the restaurant, so I couldn't go and die in the comfort of my bed. I staggered through to the lovely cool cellar and the only space I could find to lie down was on top of a chest freezer. I thankfully fell asleep and the staff and my mother took great pleasure in showing the pub regulars me sleeping on the freezer. Thursday night however, not even I could sleep through the howling wind, rain, thunder and lightning in Ullapool. The next day it continued. In addition, we also had snow down to low hill levels, bright sunshine, sleet and thick hail. Sometimes it was so loud we could not hear ourselves talk in the car. Winter was on its way. But it was reassuring to see the snowploughs already out.

Saturday morning I had my fifth test of the week, ok, sixth, I was trying to forget the one in Gairloch. This one also in Inverness, and another first-timer. My pupil asked the examiner if I could sit in the back during his test. A bit of a nervous start, but no errors. We were coming downhill on Tower Road, down to the T-junction with Barn Church Road. It's a bit of an unusual junction; turning right is controlled by traffic lights, but turning left is a give-way. My pupil was asked to turn left. The traffic lights (for turning right) were red, but I could see that it was safe for him to proceed at the junction. He began slowing to a stop. "Noooo!" I thought. Luckily, there was nothing behind us or he would certainly have incurred a serious fault. He realised, just in time, that he should be ignoring the lights, and only picked up a driver (minor) fault for 'planning'. He only had one other driver fault and thus passed with just two faults. So, apart from those couple of seconds where you had me squirming, it was a very good drive. Congratulations Robert, enjoy all that extra time you will have now you don't have to rely on public transport.

It's always a bit strange when you spend time with people such as Robert, Zoe, Julia, Lawrence and Karen, and then go on to pupils who are still struggling with aspects of their driving. The thing is to treat each person as an individual. Solutions for one pupil may not work for another, that is where the core competencies are so vital (for those of you doing Pt 3 training). It may take a matter of weeks (such as in Zoe's case), or it may take months, but they all get there in the end.

Aural torture

The other day I was driving home, listening to the radio, when I heard a fantastic track. I didn't catch the title, but it was by Etta James. I love her version of 'I would rather go blind' and am now kicking myself for not catching the song title - it has been ages since I have heard something that had such an impact on me.
Amazingly, the next night, another track also had a big impact on me. Unfortunately, not in a good way. We were watching BBC's Children in need and they introduced 'The Collective' performing the 2011 Children in need single, Teardrop. My jaw dropped as 'The Collective' proceeded to massacre Massive Attack's song. Ok, I may be a tad biased, as Elisabeth Fraser was the vocalist on the original, but Tulisa's vocal was unbelievably bad in comparison. The next morning I was waiting at a garage when the same track came on the radio. On the single Tulisa's voice was slightly improved by autotune, but I was almost hopping round in anguish, being forced to listen to it.
Saturday night was apparently 'movies night' on The X Factor. One of them sang a cover of Aretha Franklin's Think, from The Blues Brothers (and also, apparently, from Bridget Jones' diary). Tulisa, now in her role as 'singing judge' declared that it was "a bad song choice" because 'she had never heard that track' causing my jaw to drop for the second consecutive night. It was a bit like a film critic saying they had never heard of Jaws. 


Wednesday night saw the end of an era when Bob hosted his last ever quiz at The Argyll in Ullapool. He is moving to Edinburgh in the pursuit of true love and we wish him well. Apparently Noel will take over the mic, I wonder whether he will continue the actress/bishop 'jokes' and the abuse of teams with unimaginative names.

Monday afternoon I received a text enquiry from someone asking if I gave lessons in Gairloch. The short answer is 'no, I don't.' Gairloch is 92 miles (over 2 hours) from me and 56 miles (an hour and a quarter) from Ullapool. I have taken pupils for test there when they have been unable to get a test in Ullapool, but I have to charge them for every hour, so it's not a cheap option. The person then called me and said that he had seen on this blog that I have taken pupils for test in Gairloch. I explained the logistics and he said that he would be willing to pay for my time because 'his test was the next morning'! I politely declined and suggested he call Kenny, the only instructor I knew of that covered Gairloch.
A while later he called back and said that Kenny could not help. I did not have to be in Ullapool until 12pm, so, with his test being at 9.37am, it was just possible to get over to Gairloch, let him take his test, and get to Ullapool in time for my afternoon lessons, but it would mean setting off at 6am, so I calculated what it would cost him. But, before we agreed, I needed to know if he was ready for his test. So I quizzed him on his experience.
"I have had over 30 hours of lessons in London and I have taken one test, but I failed because I didn't cancel my indicator. And now I am in Gairloch."
Now, I have plenty of experience of driving in London and some experience of driving in Gairloch. I thought that, if he had been close to passing his test in London, he should be ok to take his test in Gairloch.
"Ok," I agreed, "I should be in Gairloch about 8.15 - 8.30, giving us a good hour to have a look at anything you're not sure about."
"I'm staying in Inverness tonight. Can you pick me up there?"
"That's fine," Inverness is on the way to Gairloch from where I stay, "I'll be there at 7am."
So, 7 o'clock Tuesday morning, I arrive at the address in Inverness, check his licence and tell him that he can drive, to give him a chance to get used to the car. We set off and..... something's not quite right.....
He can't drive...... Ok, an exaggeration. He can drive a bit, but not well. And certainly not well enough to pass his test. Do I refuse to take him and waste my entire morning? Or do I carry on, give him as much instruction as I can in the next two hours? It is too late now to question him further on his previous driving experience, I just have to teach him what I can.
"So what brought you to Gairloch from London?" I ask.
"To take my driving test."
"Yes, but why did you move to Gairloch?"
"No, I live in London. But I see that Gairloch has the highest test pass rate in the country, so I decide to take my test there."
I wanted to bang my head on a wall. He had come all the way to the Highlands to take his test (in an area he had never even seen before), purely because he had learned Gairloch had a high pass rate. He had not considered that it might be because Kenny might be a very good instructor. Kenny gets sick of other instructors bringing their pupils to Gairloch for a supposedly easier test, and I don't blame him. Yet, here I was, conned into doing the same.

Gairloch coos 

As we neared Gairloch, the hills became steeper and he couldn't cope with it. He couldn't hear the engine struggling in 5th gear and reacted far too slow to my instruction to change down. We came to a stalling stop - on a 60 mph road.
I'll cut the story short: We got to Gairloch. I had done my best, but his driving was still poor. I shouldn't present someone for test unless I am confident they are going to be safe and in control without me. It's a waste of everyone's time and not a pleasant situation for the examiner (even if my car does have dual controls - the examiner does not want to use them). I was kicking myself for agreeing to let him take his test without an assessment of his driving. I did the only thing I could do. I hid. I took my ADI licence out of the window and removed my signage. We drove to the narrow lane where the test starts from. I told him to go into the fire-station to meet the examiner and I would return at the end of the test. So, while the poor examiner was presumably subjected to 40 minutes of buttock-clenching discomfort, I sat in the cosy Mountain Coffee cafe, enjoying a fine coffee and a delicious (and substantial) ginger and date scone (I had hoped for one of their excellent marmalade scones, but they had sold out).
Eventually, I watched my car return and I trudged up the hill to see how he had got on. 'You never know', I thought, 'he may have pulled it all together'. I was deluded. Although he seemed quite happy that he had 'Only got 11 driving faults. That's less than last time', he had 3 serious faults (steering, gears and approach speed to junctions - poor examiner).
I told him where he could catch the bus back to Inverness but he asked if he could go with me to Ullapool. I had no immediate reason to refuse. Damn. Big mistake.
His initial acceptance of the test result soon changed to one of anger.
"I can't believe he failed me."
I try to be diplomatic, "Perhaps you didn't quite convince him that you will be fine on the roads?" I suggested, imagining white terror on the examiner's face.
"But how can he fail me in Gairloch? It has a 70% pass rate."
I tried to explain that that meant 30% of people fail, but I didn't add that most of those are probably much better drivers than him. But I am glad he failed. Coming all the way to Inverness and Gairloch (plus my fee) would not have been cheap. He obviously thought it would be a cheap way of obtaining his licence, which backfired badly. However, I admit that I was wrong to take him without assessing his driving first and I apologise to the examiner.
The drive from Gairloch to Ullapool is breathtaking. It was a beautiful clear day and the drive should have been a real pleasure. Unfortunately, he spent most of the journey ignoring the scenery and telling me how wrong the examiner was and how it didn't matter anyway because he had friends who could get him a dodgy Zimbabwean driving licence which would be valid in the UK. I am not au fait with Zimbabwe/UK licence matters so I didn't comment - I'm sure he would not have listened to any alternative I may have suggested, such as 'take more driving lessons and get your licence legally'.
Thankfully, he started to fall asleep after an hour, so I tried to drive ultra carefully so as to not wake him and listen to more rubbish. I had already heard enough rubbish this week, whether from deluded learner drivers or X Factor judges.