And I ask myself "How did I get here?"

Yuck. Wednesday morning in Ullapool. Frost covers my car, sleet is falling steadily and it is the monthly driving test day. I have four pupils taking their test but, unusually, they all have the later test times, meaning I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast at the hotel. After breakfast, I went back up the stairs to my room, then stopped…….. Where was I going? I had gone in completely the wrong direction.

Since I began staying at this hotel, they have invariably put me in a room on one side of the hotel. Last night they put me in a room on the other side. Consequently, after breakfast, my feet simply went where they usually go. My brain had switched off.
Is this an early warning sign of dementia? Will I need to start carrying a satnav just to get me around hotels? I can reassure myself that this is far from being a rare event. Everyone does this from time to time, even when they are driving.
My friend, Bearde, and I both passed our driving test soon after turning 17 and would drive around everywhere, enjoying the freedom that driving provides. I remember numerous times, when Bearde was driving, that we were so engrossed in our conversation that he would start driving somewhere completely different to where we had intended to go. On realising this, I would immediately question his direction, then immediately regret doing so because it would have been fun to see where we ended up.
Today is the first day ‘independent driving’ will be included in a test in Ullapool. But independent driving is nothing new…. Bearde and I were doing it years ago. Except, in our case, our driving was independent of our brains.

(Later, the same day….)

Of my four pupils, three of them passed. So congratulations to Kyle, Taylor and Kim on three nice drives, with only a few minor faults each. A big surprise that my other pupil did not pass - the examiner wasn’t completely satisfied with his observations on the parallel park, but, not being there, I can’t comment.

Ullapool does not have much in the way of road direction signs, so the independent driving section was very straightforward - three sequences of consecutive junctions. Two of my pupils asked me to sit on their tests and both of them were sensible enough to ask for confirmation of the directions when they weren’t sure. Just as they will have to do now they have passed their test, I advised them to know where they are going at each junction in plenty of time.

One of them did have me a little worried immediately before their test. They were going over how to switch between side-lights, dipped headlights, full-beam and fog lights (somewhat unnecessarily, I thought, as they knew all this, but I guess it was just nerves).
“So turning it away from me switches to side-lights, then dipped lights, and if I want full-beam I pull it towards me?”
“Yes.” I confirmed.
“Ok. So what happens if I click the switch up or down?”
I looked at them incredulously, waiting for the penny to drop…… it didn’t.
“Try it and see what happens.” I suggested.
They clicked the switch and immediately flushed with embarrassment as they realised it was the indicator switch.
“I can’t believe I just asked you that?” They apologised.
We’ll discreetly overlook that little ‘blip’ and I wish all three of you happy and safe driving.

I see no ships (or cars or cyclists or furry animals)

Not the best of days. We awoke to see the first fall of snow on the hills; only a dusting on the tops of the highest hills, but an early reminder of the horrors of last winter. However, even the months of snow and ice last year were nothing compared to the sledgehammer-blow Cameron inflicted on our neighbouring town of Forres today by announcing the closure of RAF Kinloss. So many local businesses will suffer as a result and, even worse, there are still rumours about nearby RAF Lossiemouth facing closure, which would be absolutely catastrophic for Elgin and the surrounding area. Cheers David, thanks for that, you #@%#!


They say bad things come in threes and it was so nearly the case today. My pupil had just turned the car around in a very quiet no-through road. We were passing a road on the left when a car came straight out of the road without even a glance our way. I had to slam on the brakes just as they did the same and we both stopped with a matter of inches between the cars. What had fallen as snow on the hills was just rain at sea level, but if the temperature had been just five degrees colder the roads would have been icy and we would never have stopped in time. Why did the other driver emerge from the junction without looking? I suspect it was because, being such a quiet road, he simply assumed that there would be nothing coming from his right.

A while ago I read a post from a driving instructor about one of his pupils who tried to enter a roundabout when a cyclist was coming round. He asked her why she didn’t see the cyclist and she explained “I didn’t expect there to be a cyclist.” This is not as lame as it first sounds. The pupil was so conditioned to looking for oncoming cars that, although her eyes may have seen the cyclist, it didn’t register in her brain.

Don’t believe me? Ok, time for a little experiment then. Do you think you are capable of counting the number of times a group of people pass a basketball between themselves for a short time? Sounds easy doesn’t it? Click on this link and follow the instructions.

Subterranean Homesick News

There are some very strange people out there. This morning I was driving to Ullapool, enjoying Radio 5Live’s coverage of the amazing Chilean mine rescue. After a while the presenter began reading texts from listeners complaining that there was too much coverage of the event. “Are we going to have our regular programmes interrupted for the next two days, every time a complete stranger is brought out of the mine?” was one such text.

What is wrong with you people?! Thirty-three men were buried, presumed dead for seventeen days, living in fear of death by starvation. Then they are found, all alive and well. And today they are rescued and reunited with their families. What would you rather was on the radio/television? More job losses? More soldiers killed in Afghanistan? More reports of child cruelty/paedophilia? It was so cheering to hear of every single rescue that even the most idiotic driving could not wipe my smile today..… since when did it become ok to drive through a red light because there were no pedestrians crossing? It happened twice today.

And then… more good news! The courts ruled (twice... or was it three times?) that Hicks and Gillette could no longer keep their grubby mitts on Liverpool FC - they were like a pair of rotting octopi desperate to keep their tentacles wrapped around the club. I don’t want to get too carried away by this news; there is no guarantee that any future owner(s) will run the club any better. And then, even if the new owner proves to be the best football club owner ever, it still doesn’t mean the team’s results will improve. Personally, I would rather sacrifice a couple of seasons of mid-table mediocrity (or even non-relegation mediocrity) if the manager (and the club) used that time to develop and promote the younger players.

It rounded off a great 24 hours because, on Tuesday, my pupil, Sarah, passed her driving test with only two minor faults. It was actually her eighth test, but her first with me as her instructor. I can’t take the credit for her driving, she and previous instructors, had already done the hard work there. But she was terrified of the test and I hope that I contributed simply by giving her (justified) confidence in her own abilities. Anyway, very well done Sarah and you must be thrilled that you no longer have to walk four miles to visit your friends (or take another driving test).

Independent driving and squashed frogs

Last Monday the media was full of reports about the changes to the driving test …. cue several pupils calling me with concerns that their test would now be mission impossible. “Is it true that we are going to have to drive where we want for ten minutes; what happens if I don’t know where I want to go?” one of my pupils asked me.
The power of the media. If I ask a pupil in Elgin, for example, to drive to Lossiemouth they’ll do it without me giving directions. Usually, at the end of a lesson, I will ask my pupil to head home. They all do this without having to ask me which way to go. Now, after Monday’s news reports, it has suddenly become a problem.
“What happens if I forget which way to go?” has been a common question. I like to scare them by thinking up outrageous consequences of forgetting the directions. They usually twig that I am joking, but sometimes I have to reassure them that they can ask the examiner to repeat the directions if they are unsure.
I haven’t had any pupils on test this week, so I can only base my advice on information the DSA has provided, but I would assume that the examiner would intervene if he/she saw a test candidate about to indicate the wrong way. If anyone knows different feel free to correct me.
The DSA have provided this video for information, but this video may be more realistic (or not).

Finally, my pupils ask me lots of unusual questions, but one question today was possibly the most strange: “Is it illegal to run over a frog?”
I gravely informed her that, if caught, it would mean a minimum of three years in prison. She gave me a long sideways look.
I was curious, “Why do you ask?”
“Oh, it’s my dad. He’s always running them over.”
So there you are. If you know of any frogs in the west Highlands, tell them to be careful out there.

Profanity and professionalism

This summer I taught a very bright young girl who attended an expensive private school. She was great company, very polite and the lessons were going well. One day she made a mistake (I can’t remember what) causing her to exclaim “OH F#@K!!”. Now, that’s a word that has lost its impact through ubiquity, but, coming from her mouth, it was a minor shock, so I told her I couldn’t possibly accept such language in my car - she was smart enough to realise that I was not being serious. The following week I was talking to her mum on the phone and she said that her daughter had ‘confessed’ her sin. “So much for all that education!” she laughed.

She was not the only one. It is far from rare to have pupils who seem quiet and polite, then something happens and triggers a torrent of expletives to erupt from their mouths. On the whole, they are very polite and often apologise afterwards. We then have a little chat and I explain that other drivers and pedestrians are not perfect and may make the odd mistake from time to time. And if it is their own mistake that has caused the outburst I reassure them that they are learning to drive and these mistakes will diminish. The best thing is to accept mistakes; accept that drivers will get far too close behind us, accept that pedestrians will step out in front of them, accept that buses will pull out THEN indicate, accept that cars will pull out dangerously in front of us for fear of being stuck behind a learner driver, and accept that, for the rest of their driving life, they will make mistakes. Once they realise that, the actions of others are easier to anticipate and driving becomes a lot less stressful.

“HYPOCRITE!” you may think, if you have read my previous post. Fair enough, I never said I was perfect.

Actually, it was my previous post that caused me to write this. A few days ago a lady called me and asked if I would teach her daughter to drive. After discussing the basic details she asked if it was possible to pay by card. Well, until a couple of weeks ago, it wasn’t. Cash, cheques, gold, bed & breakfast, malt whisky, even buckets of mushrooms I would accept, but plastic I couldn’t. However, now I have a website with the facility to buy lessons online I was happy to tell her that she could go to www.farledrivingschool.co.uk and pay for her daughter’s lessons by card. The next day I received an email informing me that she had bought a block of lessons for her daughter. I then went to the statistical website that analyses who is looking at my own website (and this blog). Amongst the information it provides is which website they were previously looking at (such as which search engine) and which website they went to next. From this I saw that this lady, this customer, had read my last post where I made it clear what I thought of the chap who led me to think he was going one way, then went the other. Oops! She has entrusted me to teach her daughter how to drive and how to react to other drivers and then she reads that.

So perhaps I should be a bit more careful, a bit more professional about what I write here. After all, I have provided a link from my ‘professional’ website to this blog, so I have to expect that pupils and customers may sometimes read these pages.
I hope you understand. Driving tuition is my business and I must be professional. So, if that means this blog is more sanitised, more bland, then that’s the way it has to be.

Right, I’m off now to see how many goals my mighty Liverpool have put past little Blackpool.

OH, FOR F#@K’S SAKE!!!